We finally had our 3rd talk in 33 years, I’m guessing averaging 1 talk per 11 years probably isn’t good lol. Our first talk was when I triggered 2 years ago and our second talk was last February.
My history is on the "Been lurking for 2 years thread!" In this General Forum.
I told my wife I would like to talk about her affair and that I had some questions. She was agreeable so we sat down and talked for about an hour. Here are the questions I asked (not in any particular order) and her answers. I said I would post this on SI once we talked so here goes;
What did you tell the AP about our relationship? There’s no honor in sleeping with another man’s wife unless you told him we were separating or divorcing!
She said he knew we were married but she didn’t tell him anything about our marriage. She said they were at a coworkers house partying (same situation for both times!) drinking and smoking pot and they ended up in one of the bedrooms.
Was there a moment you realized things had gone too far but continued anyway?
She said yes.
Did you have feelings for AP or was it just physical?
She said just physical, no attachment whatsoever.
Do you accept 100% responsibility for cheating?
She said yes, she said she felt I pushed her in that direction by not spending enough time with her but she accepts full responsibility for her actions.
Do you realize how absolutely hateful it was to "punish" me like this?
She said yes, she said back then she relied on me for her happiness and it took her years to figure out that she is the only one responsible for her happiness. Then she said this - the sex wasn’t to punish me, the sex was to numb her pain like the drugs and alcohol but telling me about it was how she punished me, she "wanted to see the pain in my eyes when she told me".
If you were that unhappy why didn’t you divorce me?
She said she never wanted to divorce me, she said she didn’t feel like she was number one in my life but she wanted badly to feel that way.
Did you ever think I’d divorce you for your betrayal?
She said she thought having sex with another man would maybe make me jealous and want her more. I actually laughed and told her it definitely could have the opposite effect.
What would you have done if I had done this to you?
She thought about it and said she would’ve stayed if I’d cheated on her but this is a difficult question based on our points of view as BH and WW.
Did you ever respect me?
She thought about this for about 20 seconds and said she didn’t at that time but she eventually did.
Did you feel guilty?
She said of course and that she’s hurt about what she did to me every single day for 33 years.
How did you justify the cheating to yourself? She said she didn’t justify it she just did it!
Did you ever consider how this would impact me emotionally?
She said she knew it would hurt me but she was in pain and wanted me to be in pain too.
Did you have unprotected sex?
She said yes, she had unprotected sex and being drunk and stoned messed up her judgement. BTW she’s unable to get pregnant, I was wondering about STD’s.
When you said if I ever told our family about your affair you wanted a chance to tell your side of the story. What could you possibly say that would justify adultery?
She said she would want them to understand why she did it, I told her to the vast majority of people you have absolutely no excuse to betray your spouse and that her family would 100% not understand!
It was a very good discussion. Very cordial, no defensiveness from her. She was very open to all my questions and said she would give me completely honest answers even if it was painful to me.
It’s a big relief to be having more questions answered but she’s concerned that bringing it up only causes both of us more pain but after reading the book about helping your spouse heal from an affair she understands that I might need to talk about it more down the road. I told her if I needed to talk I’d let her know, she said she would sit down with me and talk anytime I needed to if that’s what I need to heal.
She also said she knows she will carry the guilt and I will carry the pain for the rest of our lives but hopefully both will diminish as we work on our relationship and treat each other with love and respect.
As I’ve said on here before, she’s definitely not the same person she was 33 years ago.
