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Okay. So I've noticed that whenever something comes up that reminds BH of the infidelity (DDay antiversary, me getting ready to travel, me sacrificing sleep to prioritize something else, etc.) my H acts out towards me and our conflict level spikes.

Intellectually, I understand why this happens-- he is hurting. I caused a tremendous amount of that hurt, and I think I have a responsibility to respond to it with empathy.

But I also don't feel like I "deserve" to be treated that way, and I think that he has a responsibility to at least *attempt* self-regulation.

The question becomes: where is the line between empathy/understanding/forgiveness, and codependency? How do I demonstrate that empathy while also protecting myself from mistreatment, and feeling like I'm self-abandoning again?

I feel very fragile right now. Like the New Me is some newborn fawn attempting to walk on wobbly legs, and I'm proudly standing overtop of her with my antlers held out menacingly, ready to fuck up anyone who gets in her way. (That's probably me splitting again, isn't it?)

Hi Morbs,

What you described is similar to what happens between me and my BS.

I don't have a solution or particular wisdom to share. I am learning to detach during these triggers: not in the sense that I don't have empathy or don't care about my BS' feelings, but in the sense that I don't take his reaction as a personal attack to me. I engage very little with the conflict and I focus on listening while I mentally remember why he is triggered. Truth to be told, sometimes I mainly focus on thinking why he is triggered so I can stop myself from reacting or feeling too crushed.

This is how I usually manage the "regular" triggers.

I am not saying it's easy, sometimes I feel like a pressure cooker, the pressure always going up and I am a split-second away from exploding. Don't.

Occasionally, I am feel that in that specific moment I don't deserve the harsh words, because I wasn't doing anything wrong (in the present). But I focus on the fact that those reactions come from my past behaviour. It's still very hard though.

Like you, I also feel like I am building a "new self". I don't know if the following will resonate with you, if not, ignore me!
You described your new self like a newborn fawn learning to walk on her wobbly legs. And that you want to protect her. What about if this newborn fawn was actually able to deal with all of this? She doesn't need protection from your old self, she is the protector, she is the best version of you, what you actually need to be to navigate this and become who you want to be. She is an active actor. When shit gets hard, she doesn't need to be protected or to escape.

(Obviously this doesn't mean undertaking all sort of abuse. I am talking on the assumption your BS' reactions are in the range of a BS reactions. Which can still be feel extremely raw and rough).

Hugs

Thanks for sharing your internal process. I think possibly taking a moment to recognize, sort of detach/depersonalize, and employ curiosity about his internal state and what he could be wanting underneath the behavior would be helpful... I just have to remember to do it in the moment when I'm emotionally activated too!

The New Me fawn is the person I want to be. She has so much potential, but she is also vulnerable to crippling injury or death right now. Eventually she will grow to be able to protect herself and she won't need... I'm just going to call the protector part "Big Deer..." She won't need Big Deer to fend off attackers, whether internal or external. But that will take time.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 11:11 AM, Tuesday, August 18th]

I think possibly taking a moment to recognize, sort of detach/depersonalize, and employ curiosity about his internal state and what he could be wanting underneath the behavior would be helpful... I just have to remember to do it in the moment when I'm emotionally activated too!

I totally understand, sometimes I am so emotionally activated too that the only thing I can focus on is "keeping my mouth shut". Like my mind is screaming but I keep mentally saying "keep your mouth shut". This usually happens when the situation gets really intense or it has been ongoing for some time.

But yes, I think generally detaching a bit helps, although it doesn't make the situation less painful.

In my case, after the storm passed, sometimes my BS actually acknowledged that I wasn't defensive or I didn't get all reactive (in my case this is also an actual change in my behaviour that intertwined with other toxic patterns).

I have read on several posts here, that sometimes BSs were (involuntarily) going heavy on their WS to test them.
While I am not sure this is what is going on with my BS, when I navigate the roughest moments in a non-reactive way, and with more listening and just accepting things, I do perceive a small shift from him.

I'm glad to hear that he recognizes your efforts

I am practicing roleplaying with AI so I can build up some muscle memory for when I'm activated.

I think for me, the problem isn't that he starts in about the infidelity. It's that he'll start in extra hard on some other marital dissatisfaction he has (like if I prioritize one thing over another, and he wants me to pivot to soothe his immediate feelings about the deprioritized thing), and I don't know if it's because he's just upset about the deprioritized thing or if it's also that he's triggering over the infidelity. The Fawn wants to ignore the demand to pivot and keep on faithfully with the prioritized thing, without sacrificing my personal needs and plans in favor of his. She's vulnerable to continual pressure from him and fight-picking until the conversation has become so emotionally costly that she gives in out of exhaustion. Big Deers role should be less "attack with antlers in order to defend Fawn. Tell him to go fuck himself!" and more "Hey Fawn, this is a snare. Let's reassert the boundary, ask if this is really about the deprioritized thing or if there's something deeper going on, and see if there's something else we can do for him without breaking the boundary."