Ugh I can't seem to break the cycle. I found out about the affair on AP's social media as she plastered it on there and I had my suspicions.
Since March last year I've checked her social media daily. It became my safe space for reassurance that nothing was happening (AP didn't know H was still with me and left him when he found out) It's become a really unhealthy obsession that I'm not proud of. Every time she changes her profile picture, I look for faults instantly to try and make myself feel better but honestly, it's like a kick in the teeth every time. However the woman is gorgeous - has a baby face, is mid 20s, blonde and skinny. Me on the other hand I'm in my 30s, carry baby weight and I'm so insecure about myself - all of this certainly hasn't helped.
This isn't healthy and I'm certainly not proud of it, however I've recognised it needs to stop. I've tried blocking her but then I get massive waves of anxiety that something may be happening that I'm not aware of, and I unblock her - then the cycle starts again.
I'm so ashamed of this.
Our sex life has gone down the pan. He can no longer 'perform' and there's always an excuse. Yet with her, he would do it in a public car park cramped up in her car with every distraction going. I break down everytime it happens and it hurts badly for weeks.
I compare myself daily to her and I am obsessed with losing weight, I feel so ugly when I look in the mirror and I break down. I even brush my teeth in the dark as the wounds from all of this are so deep.
How do I get myself out of this cycle? This has destroyed my life, I can't tell anybody about it as I'm so ashamed, I will always in my head be second best as he went running after her when it all came out, then came back a month later when she wasn't interested. He reassures me in every way he can but nothing he ever says will make this go away.
[This message edited by hyperactivepineapple at 6:50 PM, Tuesday, August 18th]
