SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm posting this purely because I need to talk and I don't know where else to say these things.

In case you've not seen any of my posts, here's a very quick recap:

We've been married for 24 years. My wife had an affair 16 years ago; it was awful and we rugswept. A couple of years ago, I realised I wasn't coping, so started a process of IC, which continues. In the last 18 months, I've had a couple of short conversations with my WW about how I feel; I chose my words very carefully and, though she listened, there wasn't any real impact.

My therapy has helped me gather strength to begin to understand the past, and to make some sort of plan for the future. I decided that my wife and I needed a much deeper conversation, which I believed she would find very difficult and painful, but I felt it was the only way forward, and I hoped that we would be better on the other side of this conversation, whilst recognising that it would be unlikely to fix other issues in our marriage (namely, her complete refusal to engage in a meaningful sex life.)

I was ready for this conversation, then my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. We don't yet know how serious it is, hopefully not very. There are other very significant and stressful family things going on.

There's no way I can initiate this conversation now. It's going to upset her and, at this moment, it would be too cruel. I have no choice, therefore, but to bottle up my feelings again, for who knows how long.

I don't know whether I can go on. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I don't think I am.

Eric,
I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s diagnosis, I truly am but at the same time I feel incredibly sad for you Eric, I don’t like that you feel you should stuff things down because life got in the way.
Most people here myself included have had to deal with other horrific issues alongside infidelity, it’s life.
You don’t get a free pass, a get out of jail for free card because of a diagnosis, it doesn’t work like that I’m afraid.

You never know, clearing things out and laying everything out on the table may well be something you both need right now.
Have your conversation Eric, no more sacrificing yourself.

The thing about stuff like this is there's always something. I agree that your wife suddenly being diagnosed with breast cancer is pretty big and out of left field, but there rarely is a good time for discussions like this. I think you're better off tackling it sooner than later. You've been stuffing it down for long enough.

Eric you’re not thinking of hurting yourself are you?

Eric, I’m probably the champion rugsweeper here, we didn’t talk for 31 years, yes 31! The only reason we talked at that time was I got hit with a huge trigger that was so intense I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

My wife’s affair was 33 years ago and when she told me I was in shock but I never sat her down to talk about it. This was a huge mistake because the longer I put it off the worse it got. I never went to counseling, never told a soul, I buried it deep down inside me and swallowed the pain year after year!

When I triggered 2 years ago I told myself I couldn’t wait another minute, we’re talking now because I couldn’t take any more of the pain, the mind games I made over 31 years were driving me crazy.

Please don’t be like me and wait any longer, this is for your sanity, there’s no perfect time to talk and something will always cause you to put it on the back burner.

Ease her into the conversation if you need to, I asked my wife to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". After she read it we talked and the book helped explain things to her that I couldn’t.