SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

I don't even know where to begin.

I am 45, he is 52. My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years, together for like 25. We have no children. We have not been physically intimate in quite awhile (maybe 8-9 years) but otherwise generally have a good relationship. He has been unemployed for over a year and has not been able to find a job other than working a couple nights a week at a local brewery his BIL is the manager at. He also has DM Type 2 which he does not manage very well.

D Day was Tuesday and every time I think things have started to settle, I find something else that sends me back into an emotional tailspin. I was able to get an urgent appointment with my therapist today. I am a strong person and I am already exhausted. I keep finding more things I want to confront my husband with and I am so fucking tired. I am also the only one working full time in our house currently and he is financially dependent on me. It has been so difficult for me to focus on work this week.

The thing that I am struggling with the most right now is my husband's adamant denial that he lied to me, and the minimization of his behaviors. Because he claims nothing physical ever happened, he doesn't think he cheated. He will admit that some of it was inappropriate (his contact with an ex-girlfriend of his for more than a decade unbeknownst to me, and messages between them from a few months ago where he talked about missing sex with her, missing her "friskiness," details about our sex life and lack of intimacy, and talking about how if she came to visit him at the bar that he currently is working at a few nights a week they would end up in a motel).

He is agreeable to going to MC (I demanded it). Our first appt is next week. I am also a therapist. He has had some negative experiences with therapists in the past (before we were ever together) and is convinced that they are not to be trusted. I think this is an easy excuse for him to avoid self-reflection. We tried going to MC previously and had maybe 3 or 4 sessions and then things did improve for a little while and we stopped. So I guess we will see how it goes. I am not very optimistic that he will actually take it seriously or engage in a genuine way. My husband is also very, very depressed and has been for a long time, but refuses to entertain things that would help him immensely like individual therapy or medication. I also live with MDD, GAD, and PTSD and have been on medication and in my own therapy for many years which is why I am still here.

The other thing that is weighing heavy on my mind is that I inherited my childhood home about 4 years ago after my mother died and we have been in the long process of rehabbing/renovating it so we can move there. It is a beautiful house in a great neighborhood and holds a lot of value both financially and psychologically (for me). I am deeply, deeply terrified that if things do not get better and I try to move forward with divorce he will try to take the house from me, even though he swears he would never do that. It is titled in both of our names. He swore a lot of other promises to me that he broke too, and I don't believe anything he says right now. I know what people are capable of.

My heart hurts. I feel like I have been gutted from the inside out. I miss my mom so much. She helped me get through being cheated on by my first love and first real relationship. I don't feel like eating. I have been forcing myself to do so. I am still sleeping ok (that has blessedly always been something solid and consistent in my life). I saw my best friend last night and spent some time with her. She is an amazing support. I have another friend who understands and is a support as well. I just feel lost, and angry, and very uncertain about the future.

Thanks for listening. <3

I am so sorry you’re going through this Betwixt.

There is not much you can do if he won’t admit to his affair or get any of the help he needs. All you can do is take care of yourself, which it sounds like you’re doing.

Sending suppport.

You are a therapist, so you know you can’t make him do anything. He has to want to and choose to. And he depends on your income as a therapist but doesn't trust them? Seriously?

You are scared of Divorce (D) and losing your home. The only way to combat that is knowledge. Knowledge is power. Go see a few lawyers and learn what D would actually look like in your state.

Why isn’t he working? gas stations are hiring, UPS is hiring - there is SOME job out there he can find if he really wants to. It may not be a great job, but it is something. Things are tough out there, but is he really looking hard for a job?

I think MC (marriage counseling) is premature. Your M may have problems, but he cheated. He is depressed. He is not working. He is not being honest. He need IC to figure out why he is doing this and stop. You need IC to understand why you are allowing him to take advantage of you and to decide what you really want. He needs to fix himself first and then you can see if the M can be saved. But he has to become a safe partner first, and you need to heal.

Recovery from infidelity is a multi-year process. So take a deep breath and realize it is going to take time whether you R or D.

some things to help
1) read in this forum and the healing library. Look for the posts with the bullseyes (may have to go a few pages back) as they are especially pertinent. Do not accept blame for his lying or cheating. He may be depressed or unhappy, but there are other ways to handle it that don’t involve PA or EA (emotional affairs).

2) take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, get some daily exercise, sleep when you can. These help your body, your mind and your emotions. Avoid drugs and alcohol. If you can’t eat or keep food down, sip on protein shakes during the day. If you can’t sleep talk to your doctor.

3) if there has been ANY intimate contact with your H, you need to get STI/STD tested. Cheaters lie and lie some more. So get tested just in case. Do not have unprotected sex with him until he has also been tested and shown you the results.

4) See a few lawyers. Knowledge is power. Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you from exploring all options. Talk to lawyers and see what a D can look like. You don’t have to file- this is just gathering knowledge. You don’t need to tell him you are doing this. There very well may be ways you can keep your home but split your retirement savings differently, for example. Learn the truth. Also inheritance can be handled differently - talk to a lawyer to find out your options.

5) Read up on the 180. It is a way to give your brain some space to think. Sleep in a different room if it helps you.
Get the space you need to not be triggered.

6) Who do you have IRL life to talk to?

7) Stop driving the bus on repairing this. He broke it - he needs to be figuring out how to fix it. He works part time so he has time to do the research, find a therapist, read books, etc. And you can’t recover from the A until you have the full truth. So unless he is going to be 100% truthful, you are pushing a rock uphill.

8) Read the book "How to help your spouse heal from infidelity" by Linda McDonald. It’s really short and will show you what you need to heal. Have him read it, too. And if he pushes back, drags his heels, or refuses, well that tells you something.

You will survive this. take care of yourself. Keep reading and keep posting.