I need some objective advice on how to process new information that completely changes the timeline of my husband’s infidelity.
Up until recently, I believed his cheating was a single, isolated incident. I caught him cheating on June 21st of this year, when he used a travel excuse to meet up with a woman he found on a chat app. I thought that was the extent of it.
However, a fake phishing email (about a declined subscription payment) prompted me to audit our accounts. I logged into his AI assistant account and found his chat logs from October and November of last year. These logs prove he was actively hunting for women long before the June incident.
Here are the facts of what I found in the AI logs:
1. He explicitly used the AI as a "wingman" to generate scripts on how to approach women online and break the ice.
2. He asked the AI for specific lines to convince a woman to come out for a late-night date (a second date).
3. To persuade this specific woman to meet him, he offered to give her a foot massage. This is a specific, intimate act of service he regularly provides to me, which he weaponized to try and get another woman into bed.
4. The AI logs show a systematic, calculated effort to pursue other women, proving the June incident was just the one time he got caught, not the only time he tried.
The woman in the November logs eventually rejected him, but the intent and the long-term pattern of him actively searching for affair partners are clear.
I am deeply shocked, and it makes me rethink everything he said when I caught him in June. Back then, he claimed that he doesn't love anybody and that the woman meant absolutely nothing to him. But if that's true, why does he have this desperate need to hunt like this? He suffers from insomnia and never sleeps early, while I can't stay up late. It turns out that he spends all those lonely nights just hunting for women online.
For context, he cannot speak Chinese and has been living here for three years. He is almost completely isolated and lonely, relying entirely on me and my social connections. I really want to understand the psychological reasons behind this behavior. I noticed from the chat logs that he doesn't push too hard if the women aren't "easy." The one he traveled to see in June was "easy" enough to let him stay at her home for several days.
Suddenly, I just feel like he is a loser in some ways. It is so pathetic that he is this desperate to gain confidence and validation from anyone willing to give him the time of day. He always likes to talk endlessly when he is with me, trying to get my attention, but sometimes I am genuinely just too busy to entertain him.
Ironically, I find myself not even caring that much about the woman from June anymore. Right now, my main focus is trying to understand him, and the entire dynamic of our relationship, from a psychological perspective. Has anyone dealt with a spouse like this? What is the psychology behind this pathetic need for validation, the constant talking, and this specific hunting behavior when he feels ignored or sleepless?
