Gosh where to start?!
DD was last January when I received a text out of the blue fron the OW informing me she had had an affair with my husband. Later found out from my WH and OBS it was 12 years ago for two years mainly sexting with 6 hookups.
Since then we have both done therapy and I am just finishing up with EMDR. My husband has never blamed me, admitted all the sordid details within a couple of days and has tried his best at reconciliation as have I.
Things are generally good and I can see he has changed for the better. I understand why it happened and accept that it happened but I still struggle to accept that this is now my life if that makes sense.
I have recently been diagnosed AuDHD which makes complete sense and I struggle so much with black and white thinking and justice sensitivity. On DD my husband, my mother and my teenage sons all said I would never get over this and I think they are right.
Every 2 weeks or so the injustice of it all bubbles up and whilst I don't throw nasty words at my husband anymore, I do still push him to admit he was weak, selfish etc even though he has admitted that a thousand times. It's like I'm stuck on a loop. I also have a push pull dynamic with my husband where one minute I want him close and the next minute I struggle to kiss/hug him without cringing internally.
I think therapy has helped me understand the how and why, accept it was not my fault and know my worth but in a way that just makes me more angry that I am living a life I didn't choose because my of my husband's weakness!
Is it time to admit that reconciliation is going against every moral fibre in my body and I am going to constantly be stuck with cognitive dissonance if I stay with my husband?
But if I leave I lose the man I love, my best friend and my support partner. The one who helps me regulate after a bad day at work, who takes on the admin and household chores to prevent me burning out and my sole support system. I worry I won't cope without him, that I will dwell on what could have been and that I would be going against my core beliefs of forgiveness, second chances and reconciliation.
I really feel stuck between a rick and a hard place and sometimes feel the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I have to live for my boys so I don't add more trauma to their lives 😔
Any advice welcome.
[This message edited by Evio at 10:33 AM, Monday, August 31st]
