This is my conclusion after 10 years of heavy thinking (INTJ with heavy T!) and a successful recovery. I haven’t seen the need to change this conclusion in over 5 year but I’m open to feedback.
Successful reconciliation requires that you run a stronger motor, however you can’t just install a supercharger. Your car and motor need other complimenting and supporting components. More importantly, you can’t just take your car off line to make major upgrades all at once, you need to keep driving your car everyday day. Basically you incrementally transition, not jump to it, and the process takes time. The length of time depends on your starting point and how much power you need.
Here is my conclusion:
You can sort reconciliation actions (power upgrades) into six components: Some actions provide rapid relief but are temporary, while other actions provide in-depth long-lasting relief but require more work through time. Basically you get what you pay for. Naturally, reconciliation is only worthwhile when your WS is remorseful and willing to perform their own work and support you.
1) Learn to Control the WS: Passwords, emails, cell phones, bank accounts, gps, checking, checking again, tracking, confirming. No brainer stuff. Just go do it. Provides rapid relief. Requires energy. Can generate false positives. Your anxiety still flares and lingers. Degrades self confidence. Technologic. Temporary relief. Band aide. Assists you with surviving, but not the way you want to live permanently. Starting fluid.
2) Learn to Control Yourself: Establish expectations, express disappointments, exhibit appropriate anger, discipline, consequences, consistency, following through, boundaries, communication. These acts will influence a WS but you must also learn to identify when your actions are falling on deaf ears. You need some degree of trust and strength (below) to apply these actions. The WS needs to listen, reflect, change their beliefs, and learn. These actions cannot be excessive, cannot be COD. This is maintaining your integrity. This is finding ways to appropriately and intrinsically motivate the WS. This is a long term fix.
3) Learn to Trust the WS. Checking, following, spying, more energy, maintenance. No brainer stuff. Testing. Validating, Results can generate false positives. Your anxiety still flares and lingers. Degrades self-confidence. More Technologic. Temporary relief. Band aide. Assists you with surviving, but is not the way you want to live permanently. Trust must be earned by the WS not pursued by you.
4) Learn to Trust Yourself: Learn to see true changes in WS beliefs, understanding what motivates them. Is the WS self-controlling (a dry drunk) or is the WS actually living by a new set of beliefs? Can you see them slipping? Are red flags obvious now? Does the WS have increased self confidence. Increase your understanding of the WS's point of view, learning why the WS had an affair, and why having an affair likely doesn't apply anymore. This action is a long term fix.
5) Build your External Defense: Harder shell. Bitterness. Anger. Resentment. Carpet sweep. Avoid. Minimize. Tiring. Guarded. Draining. These actions do not provide happiness. They do not allow you to express your positive emotion. It's living in a bubble. Less confidence, more anxiety, and less peace. Temporary relief. Band aide. Assists you with surviving, but is not the way you want to live permanently.
6) Build your Internal Strength: Increase your understanding of love, forgiveness, respect, integrity, legacy, what drives you. Reflect. Change your beliefs. Gain confidence. Are you willing to loose your marriage in order to save it? This is about being able to stand on your own two feet and not using others to survive. It's about growing the capacity to forgive, being strong, and screening away pain. It's about being humble and free. It's about agreeing you still could be wrong at any moment and you reserve the right to learn. It's peace. This is a long term fix.
You will never forget what your WS did to you. Memory is the burden. Reconciliation is about building your capacity to carry this burden. Finding a good IC can help you. You must gather new information, consider it, confirm it, and then become a believer in new ideas that help you. It's building your mind, heart, and gut in unison, your logic, resistance, and wisdom. It's building a new collective strength derived from inside. The goal is to reduce strain and anxiety.
SL
[This message edited by still-living at 1:34 PM, Sunday, September 6th]
