SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feelings of the day… who can relate ?

You would think that maybe after the first time, you would feel better equipped to handle it the next time. You think , you’ve adjusted your expectations and know that the person you’re spending your life with is capable of hurting you in such a way.

*There’s no way this can break me … he already cheated on me and I made it through! We made up and I am starting to trust him again …

*If it happens again I will be prepared because I know what to expect…

*He clearly felt so bad last time to see how he hurt me , right ? ….

None of this matters. It seems the more d days there are , the worse and worse it gets. The more your boundaries are pushed. First it was just messages. The next time he dared to kiss someone. Now he knows you’re not leaving, so this time he can have sexual activity. The boundary gets pushed further and further … *if that wasn’t her limit , then surely I can get away with this too? *

The trauma is heavier . Not because you weren’t disappointed the first time(s). But because maybe you convince yourself he is going to change, he is working on himself. You have moments of happiness after the initial d day. You start to feel like you can trust him again. Just to be traumatized all over again in a worse way than you imagined possible. Somehow, you still imagined your partner as a good person who would see how badly they hurt you and choose to make better choices .

The self judgement continues to get worse. The first time , you were just a compassionate person giving somebody you love and care about a fair chance. Now …

*How much am I willing to put up with ?
*what kind of idiot stays with someone after they’ve done this multiple times? There must be something wrong with me ?
*I must be weak in communicating my boundaries and expectations, otherwise this wouldn’t have happened to me.
*my friends and family have no idea how much I’ve been living a lie for years . I can no longer pretend everything is OK.
*I can’t believe I’ve wasted this much time.
*when does it get better ? Will I ever love again? Heck, will I ever love myself again ???

There are different versions of multiple d days. I think what you're talking about are repeated violations with either the same person or a different affair partner. Separate instances of infidelity across a period of time?

Another type of d day is more about discovering facts about a single instance of infidelity that weren't originally revealed or were flat out lied about that change the shape of the story you thought you understood as true and complete.

Examples would be discovering there was romantic involvement instead of "just sex," or that there was full blown sex instead of just kissing, or it had been going on for 2 years instead of 2 months. Discovering new facts like that can also be considered additional d days.

I'm assuming you're talking about the first example?

I am so sorry you have been dealing with this. I understand the shame and self judgement.

There are some things to underline here as you move forward, to regain your self compassion and self confidence.

First, the things you are questioning about yourself speaks to your innocence and own trustworthiness. We don’t see the things we are not sometimes. Not everyone has the same good heart as you.

So your goal of you can do it is celebrate those good qualities but perhaps put some guardrails around it. You can have those qualities and not project them on others. Thats an area of growth, not a condemnation of "what kind of person am I?" You are a good person and that’s why it was so hard for you to see that he would keep progressing it.

But he also knew it and exploited that. So the question is really—what kind of person is he? I think it’s safe to say he is extremely flawed and selfish.

I would recommend reflecting over time whether there were red flags outside of this that you ignored. I wouldn’t judge yourself in that, but that reflection may help you identify if there were aspects of your instincts or intuition you pushed away and help you get in better tune with your gut feelings sooner and take action for yourself as a result sooner. I totally get how that happens, it happens to everyone at some point.

What I think I am trying to say without belaboring while you are still in grief is:

1. This is his fault, not yours.

2. Be gentle with yourself.

3. As you decompress and unwind the situation, figure out if there are things you missed. Not to berate yourself but to learn and grow and be in a better position to protect yourself sooner.

You are a wonderful person who did not deserve this. The best overall solution is to take time to improve your relationship with yourself—-and that’s something we all should be doing. Prayers for healing and peace.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:54 PM, Wednesday, September 30th]