SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

... To see where they're at? Whether life's been kind to them, or if they've suffered from their choices? If they've made any moral movement, or have any regrets about how things went down, and what they would do differently, if anything? If they've changed?

I was an AP for many married men when I was 17-19. Sometimes I think about them and wonder if they're at least as sorry about their infidelity as I am for participating in it. I wonder whether they reconciled, got divorced, or if they were ever even found out. If they had more affairs after me, or if they stopped cheating. I wonder how their kids are. (Well, probably most other people's histories aren't quite as full of infidelity in its various forms...)

Several months ago I'd gotten an email from a (previously?) married man I had started dating while I was still in high school, just a reach-out-and-see type of email. My only response was "It's been 9 years," trying to say like, "dude. it's over. move tf on already." But he was like "It has! How time flies... How are you?" and I face-palmed and blocked him. Obviously that one has no ragrets.

Sometimes I think about my AP, and wonder about him. During the A, he admitted he got off on "stealing" me from my H, which was sickening. He didn't own up to anything I suspected he'd lied about, or any details I questioned because they didn't make sense. A few days after DDay, with H's permission, I gave him an earful over text about how wrong what we did was and how much it had hurt my husband, and hurt me to see him like that. The AP apologized for hurting me. That was the last time we spoke. Periodically over the next several months, he would just send a "hey" text, until I finally felt certain enough that he wouldn't blackmail me at work (and disrespected enough!) to block him... It feels weird to think about how much regret I feel for what I did, and how much work I've put in to try and change, and to think that he very well could be out in the world conducting himself in the exact same way he had been a bit over a year ago, soliciting married women.

Anyone else?

Do you feel like maybe you should reach out to the wives, and warn them their health may be at risk?

I don't think I would be able to find them, at this point. I don't remember many of the men's first names, let alone their last, nor their addresses or places of employment or anything that might be helpful in locating them.

There was one guy I slept with a few times in high school while he was dating his now-wife. I follow her her on instagram, so I could contact her if I chose... Apparently he lost his virginity to me; I don't know whether that might have been important to her or not, or if she would want to know, or if she already does and reaching out to her would just be a painful reminder... It's was such a long time ago, too. Surely he's a different person than he was at 17?

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 12:32 AM, Saturday, October 3rd]

It's an interesting question. I don't know. Gosh I wish sexuality was not fraught with such emotional pain.

Is this about you thinking of contacting these men or them contacting you? I have a very short dating history. Two total since adolescence--the first of whom was a little crazy, so I've never felt any desire to contact her. (Besides, I can no longer even recall what was her surname, which might well since have changed.) But, from what I gather, it's not uncommon to contact an ex-lover. I wouldn't necessarily find "contact" to be problematic, but I suppose my question would be: what would engaging in "contact" mean... for you? Like: let's suppose you participate in "contact"... a year from now, what potential differences could be meaningful and desirable for you, arising from the contact? Is "contact" fundamentally about a desire to reconnect with the men, with yourself from that epoch of your life, or both? Though other posts of yours and this one, I gather that you've acquired a completely different set of guiding principles and character than perhaps you had during the window you referenced. I can imagine someone who has matured emotionally as much as you have since that period wanting to "knock some sense" into yourself at 17-19 years old, but where I would be careful is in contemplating whether "contact" with these men who--if I'm being candid--inappropriately took advantage of you at such a tender age (even if you offered yourself or threw yourself at them at the time) would really afford you the satisfaction you might be wanting. If you are able to define an authentic good that could emerge from "contact" with a specific former lover, I would endorse the contact. If "contact" is purely a whim for you, I'd remind you of what curiosity "did to the cat" and encourage you to leave the past in the past. Good luck!

[This message edited by Unconventional at 7:18 PM, Sunday, October 4th]

Hi Morbs,

Sorry to threadjack… but I was having (still having) an awful day today and just reading something from you comforted me (something like: oh look, your fellow Morbs has posted. This day feels a little less lonely now).

I will reply to your question later at some point.