SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 10 weeks since D day (just counted and wow I can’t believe it’s been that much time). Most of the time I am 90% sure I want to end the relationship. Rather - I’m 90% sure that it’s not working for me and that he’s not going to make any changes to himself. Yes he is not actively cheating right now - but he also did not go to IC or quit smoking/ drinking as I requested for our terms of continuing the relationship. We have not done anything physical - no kisses or intimacy etc since that day. We are living uncomfortably (for me) in the same space , sharing the same bed. He is being really nice to me. It’s hard because it reminds me of the person I like and that I fell in love with. However, to me it’s like rug sweeping. I know I’m not willing to go through another d day with him. Logically I want to move on. It’s like my heart hasn’t caught up. Nothing is fine but we are pretending everything is fine every day. But when I think about saying "you should leave we should break up" the words get caught in my throat. Idk what’s holding me back ? I can’t find my anger … it’s like, I forgive him. I don’t feel any bad feelings toward him right now. Which is probably what made it easy for him to cheat on me in the first place. He cheated on me before and instead of getting real consequence , it’s like he knew he could do it again because the boundary had moved. I want to love myself so fiercely that I don’t accept this happening to me. Why do I feel bad about hurting him ? It feels ridiculous even to me. But it’s how I feel. I am realizing how much of a care taker personality I have been taking on with him. (He’s a capable and healthy adult). I feel some sense of responsibility to him. It’s like , but what did he ever really do for me? Will I just wake up one day and be able to say "ok let’s break up"? Why is it so hard ? Help ! It’s exhausting me , I realize I am grinding my teeth with anxiety throughout the day. How can I lessen my anxiety about this, know for sure it’s the right choice, and make it easier on myself ?