SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is such a jarring feeling. D-day was 2 months ago and I was head over heels in love with my fiance for 6 years and so was he. Finding out he cheated has been such a rupture to my reality and I don't know what to do or how to help myself.

I never, ever, ever thought he would ever cross boundaries with any woman, let alone a friend of mine. He is doing his best to be there for me - we are in weekly couples therapy and he is in individual therapy. He listens to me, checks in with me, tries to recognize my triggers, reassures me, etc.

I just feel ice cold on the inside when he tells me he loves me or kisses me or cuddles me. We used to have the most secure and fun-loving relationship I could ever imagine and what we are experiencing now is hell. Every time he holds my hand or puts his hand on my thigh I feel her presence, every time we are intimate I picture them together, when he texts me sweet things I think about how he's using his charm on me now instead of her. I feel like everything is fake, what once was sacred and innocent can never be what it was anymore.

I am really afraid of losing feelings but I just cannot look at him with the warmth I used to look at him with. There is so much rage, resentment, anger and I just wonder how could someone love so deeply then look me in the eye and lie to me while she is also standing right beside me? I spent 6 years trusting an honest person and then he lied to my face in the worst way possible. It really scares me.

I am venting but also looking for advice I guess, I don't know. How do you get any warmth back? I want to be with an honest person and maybe deep down I won't be able to look past the fact that he wasn't, even if he is now and is for the rest of time... maybe I can't accept that he would go to the extent he did to deceive me.

Different folks have different perceptions/ideas/moral codes/integrity rules/ etc. that affect how they react to violation(s) of social codes. "Fiance" implies there is some social code and, for you, that code has been violated.

My suggestion - well two:

Sever the "fiance" relation - aka do a "friendzone" and go from there. If time passes and you can heal - then condsider a more binding relationship.

I really good thread by/about someone who had to deal with a violation of a social code:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/552588/thought-we-had-a-good-marriage/

Long thread and full of posts with different perspectives on the "social violation"

I vote you "stick a fork" in your current personal relationship.

suggest you look up:
"How the Japanese art of Kintsugi can help you deal with stressful situations"