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First things first: I started the divorce process.
My WH and I went to our last couples therapy session on friday. I shared all the information I collected from his various friends about the true scope of the affair - including things like:
1. WH and the OW did stop communicating….but it was so hard for them that they came up with a code word that they would share with each other to let the other person know that they were thinking of each other.
2. WH was away in mid september and wrote her a postcard from his location. (When confronted with this he said: ‘I didn’t actually send it’).
3. His biggest fear, that he expressed to his friends, is that the OW said that he had to "get his life together," and she won’t wait for him to figure it out.
4. Apparently made his friends read these long, elaborate messages they sent back and forth about how in love they are.
5. He told them is was because our libidos are different and he wanted to live life different. And I kid you know, he said: "like going camping."
Since then, I’ve also found out that he’s only sharing partial truths with a lot of his close friends, and as i’ve revealed more information about the past year to them (particularly about the time he tried to solicit sex online and got scammed), there’s this sense that no one knew this was happening. Many of his friends have commented that my WH has been acting distant and off with them for a few years now.
I’m also learning that things he’s told me aren’t actually the full truth….and he’s spoken about our relationship to others and then told them "not to tell." It’s like he’s trying to control the narrative of who he is without ever being fully honest with people.
He made a comment about the OW, and how they’re very similar, and developing feelings for her was like realizing how people could love him. And it’s like…what I have been doing for the past 15 years?
I know I have to stop information seeking. It’s not actually doing good for me or my body. I know I just want to make sense of it so badly. But the reality is…maybe he does just like her more and that’s all there is to it.
