SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the most toxic parts of reconciliation for me has been ambiguity. I do not mean ambiguity about motives or uncertainty about whether the marriage will survive. I mean the simple question of if I actually know all the secrets.

I have always had a strong "let them" mentality. If someone wants to leave, let them leave. If someone wants someone else, let them choose that. I am not interested in controlling another person, convincing them to stay with me, desire me, or behaving a certain way because I am monitoring them closely enough. I am no ones jailer

"Let them" can create a lot of peace, but only if reality is available. Someone can choose whatever they want if they can be trusted to disclose what they are choosing. I can accept an ugly truth. I can make decisions based on painful information. I cannot peacefully live inside a version of reality that may be incomplete while the person who knows the rest decides whether I am allowed to have it.

That is where ambiguity becomes toxic.

I believe she has given me all of the facts. That is just it though… I do not KNOW that she has. After infidelity, every withheld fact has a second effect beyond the fact itself. Uncertainty is a given. There may be more. Something remembered later may change the meaning of what came before. A detail that was denied may eventually be admitted. An answer that is "I do not remember" today may become something much more specific six months from now.

Recovery is sometimes framed as learning not to obsess over details, not to control, not to monitor, and not to keep asking questions. I agree with the goal. I do not want to live that way either. Peace becomes impossible, though, if I am being asked to stop checking reality while reality itself is still unreliable.

"Let them" only works when the other person is honest enough that they do not have to be investigated.

If my wife wants something different, I can deal with that. If she no longer wants the marriage, I can deal with that. If she wants another person, I can deal with that. If something happens/happened that is painful, or difficult to hear, I can deal with that too. What I cannot deal with peacefully is not knowing whether I have been given enough truth to make my own decisions.

[This message edited by LittleMonk at 4:42 PM, Thursday, November 5th]

LM

This is exactly what haunts me every day. I believe the details he's given me, but I don't believe it's complete.

The reason I say this is because his actions and his words don't match up. Granted his A (the only thing he's admitted to) took place 44 yrs ago and he waited 41 yrs to tell me about it, I have NO way to hold him accountable. I have No way to prove anything he says. I am asked to eat the narrative he serves me. A tidy little serving. You would have thought after 42 yrs to think about it, he would have presented a whole meal. A table full of details to explain why he chose to lie, cheat, steal and deceive his "best friend and partner". The best he could do was give me a nibble and a lot of I don't knows.

After infidelity, every withheld fact has a second effect beyond the fact itself. Uncertainty is a given. There may be more. Something remembered later may change the meaning of what came before. A detail that was denied may eventually be admitted. An answer that is "I do not remember" today may become something much more specific six months from now.

Oh, how I wished he'd offer me more. I can tell he's scared. I've asked him over and over to please not hesitate to share a memory or thought, but shame keeps him silent. I guess when you know you hold all the cards you keep them close to your chest.

I cannot peacefully live inside a version of reality that may be incomplete while the person who knows the rest decides whether I am allowed to have it.

This^