Nearly five years ago, my husband had an emotional affair (bordering on physical) with a work colleague. According to him, it lasted a few weeks and ended before I found out.
He eventually left that job and moved on to a new role. Because of his new shift patterns and our childcare needs, I had to leave my own job to support the move. I was happy to do it at the time because it was a great step forward for his career.
Recently, I discovered he has been having another affair with a colleague at this new job for just over nine months. It has been both emotional and physical (though he claims they haven't had sex).
It involved constant messaging, lingerie photos from her, selfies from him, and him lying about being at work so they could spend the day together, even getting a work friend to cover for him.
When I found out, I told him I needed time to decide what I wanted for our future. A few weeks later, he became very distant. When I asked why, he admitted he had "realised he loves her" and was hurting.
That was another massive blow, and it felt like any progress we were making reset to zero.
Despite saying he wants to stay and wants to be with me, his actions show the complete opposite:
• He broke no-contact: He started messaging her again and lied to me about it, claiming he was just checking in on a medical issue. I saw some of the messages, and they were not medical at all, he shouldn't know anything about her personal life when he is supposed to have cut contact while we figure things out.
• They still work together: Because they share a workplace, I know they are still talking every day. Though I asked him not too, they don't need to chat they don't work closely together.
• He avoids accountability: When I ask questions or try to set boundaries, he avoids them or gives me the silent treatment. Then, he turns around and asks me why I’m being so distant.
We have children, pets, and a house move coming up soon, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming.
I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting this.
I don't have anyone I can talk to in real life, and I guess writing it all out is helping me see the reality of the situation and what I need to do.
Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.
