Newest Member: MamaTo7


Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

Am I the one, or the one left?

Quick recap-FWW had year long affair in 1998. OBS finds out, and OM ends affair. My DD is 2 weeks later. Go to MC for a year-ends as I realized she loved him, and not sorry about the A, just sorry she got caught and sorry she hurt me. While the marriage survives, it survives so I can raise my kids, not some deep love between us.
Kids leave home, but I stay on. Nice home, good finances-a beautiful gilded cage-but still a cage. I am not a saint, as there were times I would see the love of my life, and think "this is it", only to be disappointed as her coldness would return.
We entered an almost sexless existence for several years, and I was starving for a woman’s love, physically and emotionally. Don’t think I was some puppy dog, I had completely given up on anything with FWW. Dead limbo.
She retired in December, and she suddenly starts making sexual moves on me. First time is WTF? Then a couple of more times. Wow-endorphins go off like crazy. I have slowly opened my self up to her. So far so good.
I asked her why now, and she said she loves me, and missed sex with me. That is an ego boost on both fronts.
A couple of times when making love I asked if I was safe. She says "you’re always safe with me baby."
This has reawakened me good and bad. Long buried feelings are back, along with long buried fears. For instance a call came in from New York-OM home state. I saw it and was suddenly panicked. She picked up her messages, and it was just spam. There has been NC for over 20 years, and I suddenly think he is back-crazy right?

I told her I am looking forward to the future, and am happier than I have been in years. Her reply was "oh, the sex". I told her that was part of it, but what I really wanted was to spend time with her, and us have adventures together.

I love the pre A wife. She is the love of my life. The A and post A wife (for the most part) is a cold bitch I would not give the time of day to. Most days since December, I have the love of my life, and I am re discovering her.

The problem? I want to be the love of her life. I am not sure i am. She does love me. She would say of course I am the love of her life-but I don’t know. Sometimes (a lot) I feel like OM is her love of her life, but since he was gone, she settled for me.

I want her to love me wholly. I want to be loved physically, but more than that, I want to be loved emotionally. I want my faults to be accepted, for her to be proud of me. I am not perfect, but I am a great person, and I deserve for someone (hopefully her) to accept and love that.

Be with me because you want to be with me, not because I am your default choice.

How do I ask that? Should I ever ask that? Have I watched too many Hallmark movies?

I have forgiven her for the A, and for loving him. I have forgiven her shitty treatment of me. This is more insecurity than holding it against her.

21 comments posted: Friday, April 14th, 2023

Got great advice today-and I needed it

I have started doing boot camp at the gym. I am supposed to do 25 reps of a lot of exercises, but I can’t finish the push ups.
I talked to a friend who is a retired coach- he said push-up are hard. You have to do as many as you can, but when your body says stop, stop. He also said not to wimp out and stop too soon, or you don’t get results.

I have thought about this all day in many ways.

As I am moving in R, there are some days I get panicked. I am consciously deciding to love someone who hurt me worse than anyone else ever has. I have a lot of hope, but a lot of fear too. Some days the fear takes over (especially if she is irritated or dismissive of me). I thought making it one day after another after Dday took a lot of courage, but this is taking more courage than that-because, in opening my heart to her, I know how selfish and cruel she can be.

So, on those days, I just need to stop. When my brain is on overload with fear, I need to go get a coke, or to the gym, or take a nap.

At the same time, on days I feel defeated on small things, I need to push forward. Because I also know how loving and kind she can be as well.

Am I getting the balancing act right?

1 comment posted: Saturday, March 25th, 2023

BS-did you contact AP spouse? How did it go?

Here is my question

After DD, did you contact AP spouse or significant other? How did it go?

I will start. APS discovered A about 2 weeks before me. She gave the NC ultimatum. I uncovered everything right afterward. Originally I was to never know(how generous of everyone rolleyes ).

NC was broken via email, and I found it. I called APS (on Valentines Day) and told her. She was so mad, I am pretty sure he did not get any that day laugh .

A month later, we had a real call. About 1/2 hour-she was a nice lady. We compared stories, filling in blanks for each other. We cried together. We exchanged all phone numbers, and promised to call if we ever caught them again. Happily, we never had to call again.

FWW A was internet A that became real and PA. OM was many states away, so controlling physical access was easier, as APS never let him come to my state again.

I had a good experience with APS. She really helped on her side breaking things up. FWW and OM both knew we could contact each other, and, at least on our side, FWWs web of lies came crashing down.

20 comments posted: Saturday, February 4th, 2023

Questions and fears-for parents of grown children

Ok, this is for us folks that remember * no politics * big hair (at least).

Me: long term survivor-still messed up and second guessing -BH and marriage survived, relationship really did not.(but getting better lately).

Q1: I stayed for my kids 5 and 3 at the time. Today 30 and 27. They know nothing about the A or that it even happened. WW and I together decided to gaslight them their whole lives. If either of them should ever find themselves in this infidelity mess (either side) do we confess?

Q2: From reading this board, many (not all) WS were damaged people to start with-children of divorced parents, abuse survivors, substance abusers, etc. How do we protect our children? My DS married a girl from a home where a sibling died of substance abuse, so this is really scary for me. My own WW was from divorced parents because her father had 2 A (12 years apart). She only saw her father at Christmas and summers after age 12, and did not have much of a relationship with him.

Q3: I have zero sympathy for WS, because I know how BS feels first hand. My kids are already running into friends and associates who are cheating on their spouses. What do I say when asked? I know WS need love and support (I would be unable to give myself). Do I say love the sinner, hate the sin or run like hell and let them stew in their own juices.

Thanks team

9 comments posted: Saturday, December 17th, 2022

Confused and really scared

Ok, here is my messed up confusing life. I was a young dad with two DS at DD in early 1999. Went to see good therapist at the time. I was so immature at the time, I was pissed over the sex and missed some of the big picture. I was a workaholic and my wife was at home with a five year old a a three year old and lonely. I confused our sex with intimacy(we did not really have that much intimacy at the time). She found someone (OM-the bastard) to be intimate with and had sex with him. His wife discovered them, and my wife found out she felt more for him than he felt for her. (Ouch, that probably left a mark).

I (we) came to a compromise-not exactly reconciliation. I forgave her to the point I could, but not entirely. She would be faithful, not spend too much money, and concentrate on being a good mom. I decided it was better to stick it out for my kids, and I would leave when they did. I know I made mistakes as a husband, but I am a damn good dad-my boys mean the world to me. I looked at it as a 15 year prison sentence, and was depressed for years. My consolation was everyday I woke up, my boys were under the same roof. My hope is they saw enough of a normal marriage on the outside they are not damaged.

My time should have been up in June 2013, but I did not leave.
Now it is almost 2023-why am I still here? I have the financial resources to leave(not as great as if I stay, but still…) Kids are out of the house.

I am here because I still love the girl I married. She is the love of my life, and I will never have another like her. However, the post DD wife is not her most of the time. She is not hateful, or cruel to me, but it is not the 1989 version I fell for. For 8 years I knew a woman every way a man can know a woman, emotionally, intellectually, sexually-I had it all. I feel like DD destroyed the woman I loved, and left someone else behind.
At times, I still see her, and I hold on to her for as long as it lasts. The loss of my pre DD wife is what I am unable to forgive.

For the past couple of years, we have been basically sexless. After DD day, sex was up and down but my sex drive was always way higher than hers and I did a lot of begging. Eventually got tired of begging and just gave up, taking care of my own needs in that department by myself. I think I am a good lover (not that I have a universe to ask) so I think she just did not feel that sex was important in a relationship. She would be wrong on that one. grin

Sooo… a couple of days ago, out of the blue, she wakes me up by grabbing my penis and kissing me deeply. I had not showered after the gym the night before, but she still wanted me. WOW and WTF? We made love, and it was awesome. The girl I loved was there with me for a while. It was not a fuck like she was using me (been there , done that), it was really making love, and she enjoyed it ( grin as did I). She was actually really nice to me all weekend, and it made me so happy.

So guys-what now? I had resigned myself to a sexless marriage with a woman who was not the love of my life-and now this.
I don’t want to let my heart go, just to get crushed again. The first time I found out she did not give a shit about me and OM was everything to her hurt so bad.

I was in a safe place( still am I guess). What if this is just temporary? If I keep my heart safe, I may scare her away, and lose my last chance to be with my wife I love. If I really dive in, I could get crushed all over again-there were false starts and stop back in 1999 and 2000-I just can’t get crushed again.
I am confused and scared as hell!!

Any advice is helpful.

25 comments posted: Tuesday, December 13th, 2022

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