1 year after finding out about his second life
I was the 46 yr old woman who's bf of 8 yrs was cheating with a 23 yr old meth addict. I wanted to update and say after a year he went back to drugs now too. He lost his high stake job, his rental, his health. to the day of finding out he cheated, he was evicted. He had not paid his bills in nearly 2 yrs. He and the young gf have been on and off. His whole family now knows he is an addict, and a screw up. on moving day he had only his old dad to help him. no friends, no gf (who I guess is a stripper for the past yr and likely they are on and off as well)
While it does make me happy to see karma showed up in full swing to the day he made my world crumble, I am also saddened that a person I cared for will likely die of an overdose soon. He looks terrible. I have seen him several times in passing and last week he was 6 ft in front of me.
I on the other hand, was devestated, pregnant when he left me and traumatized me beyond all belief, I am still healing but feeling really clear. I lost our baby, which was for the best clearly. I am working in a job I love, flourishing in my travels and sight seeing, I am making double to triple what I was before and I am happy because I am not taking care of him or constantly worrying where he was or why he wasn't with me.
I had a trauma bond with a covert narcissist. I've known him since I was 14 and he is the only person I have fully trusted and loved so deeply. It's a tragic love story really. He was a good person more often then not but I see when drugs got involved, he lost it all.
He lost his whole life and the few things he excelled at. He has nothing to him name.
His last line to me in person was: You deserve better. and I said I absolutely do.
and that's the whole lesson. He did me a favor by doing the 2 things I would never forgive- he cheated and he lied about my character. His family that I lost, was my only family. Im still mourning that... but were ok. My kids that grew with him had to mourn too. I'm angry for them but its better. we are ok.
I wanted you to know, if you are going thru this and you can't imagine living, you will. You may even flourish as I have. In my case, my ex knew I deserved better and he couldn't give it me. He fought demons constantly and gave into them and he didn't want me or my kids to see it. I still love him for what we had but he has died in my mind. Bad things happen... if you can get in nature, counseling, travel to see that there is so much more out there, you will thrive again too.
7 comments posted: Sunday, May 1st, 2022
i found out the whole truth finally- update
I haven't been on in while but wanted to update. In March I found out my on and off bf of 7.5 yrs who I was fully on with was cheating with a girl younger then my kids, half our age and had many drug records, as had he years prior. He had been clean so I thought... I found out the whole story in April when his other woman decided to call me on his cell and all hell broke loose. she was also being cheated on but was stalking me and I had to go into court against her where I won.
They were on for sometime. and then broke up cause 1, they are addicts. 2. she has severe mental issues and 3. because there relationship was built on lies and cheating. they are back on again.
It took me about 2 months to shake my head clear. I was like an addict coming out of a cycle and I still feel it at times... me trying to break the routine of normal with him. (I have never drank much or used drugs so I have no clue what being an addict is like) but I know our yo yo life of me trying to let go only to have him love bomb me again and I go back to his future faking lies.
Shes in his grip doing the same thing now. its comical in some ways to see someone else fall for it so easy. she had repeated to me much of what I have said to others about him but she is young and vulnerable. I was a parent and way wiser to still fall for him. We sometimes do this when we dont have signs of abuse or verbal abuse but I had to see he was indeed abusing me by lying, avoiding, silent treatment, hiding from his responsibilities, leaving his family, telling his parents it was my fault when they were also my family and I relied on them. all that HURT coming out of it. I lost alot.
He cheated so many times now that I had time to look back. he had emotional affairs for years. he would hide texts, delete them... be out w an ex or see her and boast about it but know I could care less cause I never felt threatened. The issue was, he used that to get away with it. and he is cheating on the girl now. He has talked terrible about her and she would not believe it when I told her this months back. He called her nuts and told me about her mental issue and meds which she agreed she had. she told me about her addictions them distributing drugs, one being to my daughter. The DEA was called many times yes. why he is not in jail yet is beyond me. and the issue w that is, he walks around like he got away with all this... like he is even better then before. But I see him. he is not happy. He is weak, and so heavy set. He is poisoning himself and trying to boast about his girl by posting pics of her at 3am, where they just shagged and she looks awful. she was always awful looking and very heavy set too. looks like she got hit with an iron pan in the face.
My point is, you can be here and just find out and be devestated and now even sure you will make it. I was there. I had my major ups and downs. I didnt know if I would live. But when I could clear my head, get away on a vacation I almost didnt take... it allowed me to be free of him. free of the hell he put me and the kids thru. free of the story I was in and start over. and I had to do it again. I took another trip for my birthday to celebrate in a place I love and not be triggered by him (since he works very close to my house and I see both of their cars every week) I could laugh and be celebrated and bask in the sun and have women support me and my growth. I never thought I would come out or trust or date or even sleep w someone again. I did all that. and it was FABULOUS.
If you are new here and stuck, frozen, paralyzed, broken, crying till there is nothing left, I want you to know this is not the end. I was not going to leave my guy fully till he did the absolute worst and when he did, a switch came over me. I never looked back other then to process it. he was not worthy of me and he showed me all this over and over thru the years. I just was too stubborn and committed to let go. If someone shows you how awful they can be, believe them! there are wonderful people out there that will love you properly. and maybe you choose to be single. thats perfect too.
I am not the sad debilitated person I was in April. I am flourishing and happy. I am still figuring it out and Im so happy Im not with him. exercise was a major must for me to get out tension and steam. to clear my mind. I highly suggest a power walk or something at least a few times a week. I also chose to write about this and have several chapters done on the book about infidelity. (I am an author already)
I'm still waiting for Karma bus to hit them but overall I am getting more done and mentally feeling stable vs constantly worried what he was doing or not doing.
I wish you healing and power to move forward one day at a time.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
I'm feeling healed
I cannot find my old past with the new website update. I had them all bookmarked but it wont go to them.
I was the girl in a 7.5 yr on and off. he cheated after we got back together, with a meth addict and he is using and selling drugs. I was pregnant and his family blamed me and wont talk to me. the new gf continues to drive by my house. he refuses to talk to me or check in on me so he has no clue if I am well or not. the point is, he doesnt care nor is he taking care of his responsibilities so that was answer enough.
I had to go on meds for stds due to these irresponsible idiots. My kids were hurt and lost their second family because of him. I see his car constantly and its triggering me less. I feel way less. I see the relationshit was just that. crumbs and nothingness.
I had a debilitating fear of being intimate with anyone else for decades yet I was on a trip and someone pursued me and I went for it. I felt pretty much cured from that passionate night, I saw him again on the next trip (he flew to see me) and although I may not continue something with him in the future, he instilled this feeling over me which was butterflies, confidence, sexy, feeling free and alive again. he has a special place in this transition of growth. I realized I was just a mama and taking care of this cheating grown man for 7.5 yr and not really being fun like I truly am cause I was raising him. lol. Digusting actually.
I had gone on a few dates with the fittest hot guys I could ask for! and some I just had fun and no physical anything but there is another person I hit it off with and had no clue anything would happen and I was quite surprised when it did. and enjoyed it thoroughly. Im in my prime and realizing I was not getting it enough and I quite enjoy my sexuality when I can. I thought I was only for this one guy from highschool and I was wrong. so this is a new territory for me and I love it.
the healing happened because in this amount of time of sleeping with the 1st guy till now, I have not thought about my ex more then a few times (including one dream) and I have not cried or dwelled on it. not read one book about infidelity or the bs i had to go thru. I can eat, and laugh and dance a ton and truly enjoy my life right now.
in April I wanted to die. I didnt want to feel pain of cheating or a loss again. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never see light again. today my business is thriving and sustaining us, I am traveling again, I am dating and I am so happy. I see he was not the person for me. He was lazy and fat and so unhealthy. he put me down and never got me gifts even on bdays or holidays. he made excuses and slept till 1-3pm. he rarely helped with the kids and never w the house. I was glamourizing the past years with him and hoping he'd return to that. I truly loved him in all his bad habits back then. yet I would not live with him till he showed me he was responsible. in that time I found out he has tons of debt and more charges against him on his record. Dea is still investigating him for drug selling and guns he owns when he cannot. He is a dick and he is not going anywhere and he chose another who is less of a person so that he can get away w all this crap. so yeah I deserve better as he said and Im getting that.
My goal is to not date several for long because I want something serious w one person but Im learning this process right now and I really like it. too see so many men really trying and being themselves with more thought and responsibilities then my ex is awesome and Im so excited. I know there is a good guy out there for me.
I just wanted to update because I was in such despair back in March and never thought I would make it. well I did. and this side is shining so much brighter! I hope it doesnt end.
3 comments posted: Monday, September 6th, 2021
2months since DD
I went from shocked and angry to super sad and paralyzed in some ways. I dont feel good at all. I feel lifeless and could care less about the future now.
Its just too much. Cant see my counselor for a month cause she is booked out.
I leave for a vacation tomorrow but dont even want to go. I worry I will die there. Im absolutely heartbroken knowing my ex is a cheater and a liar.
26 comments posted: Monday, July 5th, 2021
do any of you feel like you cant trust your instincts?
when moving forward and then maybe wanting to talk with people or date again, do any of you worry so much about not being able to see the red flags or listen to your intuition to not get another WS?
I already see that a few I chatted with were people my kids knew! My adult daughter said omg, that guy dated my friends mom, stole from her and is a coke addict.
(wtf, gah, I liked him!)
so now I worry since I never dated from an app, that I cant trust anything. and the people I have dated in the past were friends of friends who all had some shady ass past or abusive. this is why I stayed with the bf for 7 yrs. he was the safest bet, until he was cheating... with people my kids age :( eww
I have no close friends in my area. all have kids and super busy. so Im sorta on my own. I dont go out much and never ever to bars. Im not a drinker.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 11:21 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]
28 comments posted: Wednesday, May 26th, 2021