Newest Member: KMS60087

Gottagetthrough

Reselling clothes as the designer?

I have a friend who wants to be a fashion designer. They have enough money to start the business with a fancy website, social media plat forms, and travel to various large cities around the US for pop up shops.

They buy a sweatshirt, use a curicuit (spelled right?) machine and iron on a patch thats a design of theirs. Sometimes its just a heart. But others its a more intricate design.

I had never seen the maker if the sweatshirt until i looked on social media last night. They have a Polo sweatshirt that they ironed a designed patch on to and sold it as "Suzi’s sweatshirt"

This rubbed me the wrong way. Is there an implied understanding that Polo is making these sweatshirts if she uses their shirt with the tag still on it (the sweatshirt i saw looks like Polo is in white ink directly on it, and wouldn’t be able to be taken off easily.)

I was surprised that she would do this, as it looks like shes trying to capitalize on the Polo brand without actually working for them. Is this legal?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 18th, 2022

Blame myself for in law estrangement

In laws were passive aggressively mean for years. Finally when they decided to take a trip together during our proposed visit (we told them our plans months before.. they spring this a few days before we were to travel..)

Wh owns his business so taking time off is hard. There was a lot of planning on our end. We also had not seen them in 3 years, and they had never met our 2 year old

Mil and Sils have NEVER met their grandson / nephew

I spoke up told Mil off… Sils and mil freak out say im crazy , "attacked" mil, etc. they would call the cops if we showed up at Mils house.

(I never cursed or said anything false. I called her weak, amoral, said the fam didn’t treat my kids well)

Intellectually i know i stood up for my family. It was mils choice to flip out and call me crazy, it was sil choice to threaten to call the cops on us if we tried to visit. They could have just as easily said woah, we had no idea you felt this way! How can we work this out? The fact that they didnt is very telling.

They are using me as a scapegoat. They never wanted us there. Me "attacking mil" is the perfect excuse to cut us out

But i cant help wishing my kids got that big family for the holidays. It sounds stupid typing it out. But i feel like i shoukd have tried harder, taken more, troed to hid the in laws favoritism from my kids more.

I just feel guilty


Im mourning the fact the kids wont get the big family i want…. Which is ok…

But i need to realize not everyone CARES about a big family. Solid loving relationships are what matter to kids and i took some shitty people out of their life.

I think I accidentally journaled my feelings and came to a healthy realization on off topic 😂

13 comments posted: Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

Skiing tips

In my quest to do more for me, i am taking flying lessons (YAY!) and have an itch to try skiing.

I tried to ski a few years ago. Was AWFUL

Would like to try again.

Any tips?? I will be getting a private lesson

17 comments posted: Friday, December 17th, 2021

Reconnecting w family after falling out

Let me preface this with I dont hope for a reconciliation with the family. I think its great we havent spoken or seen them in a long time

Wh hasnt seen his family in 3 years (Thanksgiving 2018) and hasnt spoken to any of them in going on 5 mos now.

He didnt call his mom on her birthday or anyone at Thanksgiving. He told our oldest kid (who has a phone) to text grandma happy birthday but that is it

I am LOVING not having to chose where to go at then holidays. The fact we dont talk to ils is awesome.

For those of you who have seen stuff like this (family falling out) how likely is it that they pick back up?

His sister #2 has not spoken to us in 2 years (she was mad we got our newborn baptized at home rather than drive up to the inlaws state and do it there for MIL)

Can i do a happy dance that they are out of my life forever yet?

9 comments posted: Friday, December 10th, 2021

Medical peoples- torn ligament in ankle question

Kido 1 hurt her ankle in September. (At the end of the month) So we are going on 2.5 months of pain.

Been to the er, (the day of injury), orthopedist a few days after, orthopedist a few weeks after when it still hurt badly, mri nov 29, and ortho called last week with news that, "you need to come in, surgery is on the table and We need to talk.

Guy we have been seeing is a nurse practitioner. He is good but doesnt do the surgery. We dont know the surgeon. We live in a small town with a small hospital.

I take kid to the big hospital 1.5 hrs away. I know they are the best. Teaching hospital, top med school , etc.

The doc there is ivy league educated. I am thinking hes the best.

Saw him and he suggested three mos of PT and to see him after that. I said Dd is in a lot of pain, does she need crutches, he says if she needs crutches she needs surgery. To take advil… um, yeah, shes doubling advil and tylenol…

Keeps talking about PT… but my kid needs some sort of immediate relief.

The diagnosis is 1 completely torn ligament, 2 partially torn ligaments and an inflamed tendon.

Kiddo is 16 and very smart and is away at school. Her dorm is on the 3rd floor. So i am not with her every day to make sure she is elevating and rice and all that stuff.

Are we right to think ivy league dr is not doing enough? We want surgery for this to be over, but maybe we are just non docs who don’t understand how hard surgery will be?

I just cant see her suffering for another 3 mos.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Walking up walls as a kid (or adult!)

When I was a kid I used to climb up the walls. You put one foot on a wall and then Sort of push yourself up and then walk up the walls from there.

My son with ADHD does this (and actually way better than me, and in more places… hes done it in a strip mall where they had a decorative brick arch on the walkway…)

My oldest never did this. She does not have adhd

Wondering if you all did this?

Have a dr friend who was talking about adhd. Said, "I saw a kid with adhd who was literally climbing the walls once!" I said, "wait, doesnt everyone climb the walls as a kid? laugh

3 comments posted: Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

12 yr old boy

I know NOTHING about boys. Have all sisters.

Is 12 1/2 normal to stop going outside to play? My DD was about 11.

There are younger kids on our street (10-11) but they have been for the most part in doors this fall.

I get anxiety about my kid playing outside bc of our neighbors who have been crappy to him (daughter said he was bullying her, parents said they didnt see it but she wouldnt lie, i started staying outside and watching and she did lie. Parents are neglectful and like to blame others for their kids issues)

I just dont want to NOT encourage play outside bc of the neighbors. My son says he wants to play video games. Hes in 7th grade. He also goes to a different school than the rest of the neighbors (private school).

I jusy have such immense anxiety and guilt over every parenting decision. I feel like a failure at every turn.

DD is 16 and was in every club at that age, tons of friends etc. DS doesnt want to do scouts, sports, etc. His teachers say he is very well liked at school. They email pictures home (its a day and boarding school and some of his friends are boarders). He’s always with the group and they have a club house etc etc…

But his school is 30 min away. Some friends board. Some live close to an hour from us (30 min the other way). So he doesnt usually get together with his friends outside of school.

He is at school 7:30 am- 5 pm most days.

Is telling him go out and play like telling ME, hey, you just came home from 9-10 hours at work, but go ride your bike now?

14 comments posted: Friday, November 12th, 2021

Revenge? =O

So sorry to post. It had some stuff that was a little too identifying in it so I am rewriting and being much more vague.

If you know a person who is not a good person, shitty morals, and you find out they are a Catholic school teacher.

Is it bad to call the diocese and tell them what you know about them?

I do not like this person and at first thought, oh, youre just vengeful, dont call.

The more i think about this, i would want to know that the person teaching at the school is like this, so that i can keep an eye out and if she is unfair to a kid, i will catch it early.

6 comments posted: Saturday, November 6th, 2021

When you’re too old to have more kiddos…

Im going to be 43 in a few weeks. My last pregnancy (at 40, had baby a few weeks before i turned 41) was tough in that i got diabetes and i was soooo scared about what could happen. I have had 5 miscarriages- 4 alone were from 2015-2018

I also had a uterine window (thin spot in my uterus from repeat c sections). I have horrible diastasis recti.

Not to mention i dont really have anyone to have a baby with laugh

I am very fortunate to have three beautiful kids. I would love to have (have had) more, but i am content with 3.

It feels sad though! Like, Im old? But Im not old! I have the emotional age of a 12 year old! (My 12 year old so says that!! Its usually after I burp in his face and laugh or giggle if someone tells a poop joke laugh )

I know Im not the only one! Its sad but im content with my 3 sweet kids. I would not be able to care for another. But its still sad.

9 comments posted: Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

The hurt of a PA and EA

Its so strange. Wh has had a PA (and then slept with 5 women while we were separated, so in effect cheating on his mistress) and in 2019 -2020 had an EA with a married coworker

The PA with OW 1 that hurt is one thing

The sex with 5 women while we were separated is another type of hurt

And the EA is a third type of hurt

They all hurt. But they all feel different. The EA is the worst for me because he gaslights me on that one.

I guess… the PA is a blow to me physically and how I look

The EA is a blow to my personality and if he thinks Im worth spending time with

And the 5 women during the separation… well hell. I dont know if I should be hurt or laughing bc he cheated on OW1. At first I was laughing and it felt good to find out that she wasn’t some goddess. But now it feels very gross and dirty and I dont know what.

Infidelity is the worst

3 comments posted: Friday, October 29th, 2021

Am i in the wrong? In law stuff

I have therapy today and i usually go over what i am going to try to get help on in my head a few days before i see her

Sooo. I took my wh’s phone and looked at texts his sister and he shared before july when i found out MIL hd planned to go with my SILs on vacation during our visit to their city. (We hadnt seen the in laws in 2.5 years)

First, i got dates wrong. I thought our trip was July 31-aug. 9. Wh told SIL it was aug 1- aug 8. Not huge but a mistake in my memory of events.

Mil decided to go with SILs on vacation August 5-11, so our visit would only be cut 4 days short instead of 5.


Sil seemed nice in the texts. She invited "you all" to visit her rental house in the Hamptons when she rented the house, and said it was an open invitation. Asked do u think u can come up soon?

But when we did make plans to visit MIL in her hometown (MIL lives a few hours from the Hamptons, while SIL is in NYC) and tell her and MIL, they decided to take a vacation halfway through our planned visit. The vacation was with SIL 2 and her family- SIL2 has not talked to WH in 2 years. I think she hot upset that we had a small baptism for our youngest and said we should be ashamed for what we did, which I think was not invite MIL. However I had told MIL we were having it in our town, and would bring baby to their town and have a big party to celebrate and meet extended family later. Before that, SIL 2 never contacted us during my pregnancy in 2019, and since 2015 has not really spoken to me. It was a joke between me and WH, wed visit the ILS and I would say Hi, SIL and she would walk away from me. She woukd talk to me to tell me, "Theres nothing here for you to eat" when we would go to her house for family dinners. (Im a life long vegetarian and she would put meat in everything, including the salad)

I used to call my MIL or email when wh was going off the rails. He would have an episode where he would scream and either kick a hole in a door or hide the phones and take our only car (we had 1 car at the beginning of our marriage). They would say what do you want us to do and tell him that We should divorce if we fought so much. But it wasnt a fight, it was a mentally ill person who could function sometimes having an episode. I didnt say it explicitly, but i needed help. I thought they would help him.

I just dont know. Im so confused. Yhey act like Im horrible (they say i attacked… yes, ATTACKED, MIL and pick on her. When i said just be nice to my kids because you arent always, and the i did say you are weak and have no morals for things she has done in the past. I gave very specific examples. I did not yell or curse.

I feel a little crazy, like i have done something wrong but Im not quite sure what it is (in years past… i do know they hate me for calling MIL out two mos ago)

This is narcissistic behavior, right? They arent nice even if they act nice sometimes. If we stay at a hotel and everyone is at the lake house, they invite my Dd to stay over but not my son. They planned a vacation during our planned visit to see them. The last Christmas we attended at their house, everyone exchanged gifts and I sat there and received nothing. We go for family dinner to SIL and I walk in the door and am told, I dont think there is anything you can eat here.

Im not the bad guy right? You all would tell me, right? The whole family is fucked up bc MIL is a narcissist and they cater to her, so they are in her good graces, but we moved away and dont offer her anything (SIL 1 offers money and SIL2 offers services , like her hubby mows MIl lawn and acts as handy man). WH was told by SIL 1 that he needs to send MIL money each month two months after we moved into a home my famiky member bought and let us live in rent free. She said "you were given a house and so you can help mom" MiL has declared bankruptcy 2x, and refuses to budget. After getting 40,000 when her dad died, she turned around and spent it ALL on SIL 2’s wedding the next year.

And when FIL was dying, MIL told hin he couldnt come home from the hospital, that he had to go to hospice, because she couldnt take him dying in her house. It would be too hard on her.

When he was dying SIL 1 was pregnant and had some high risk complications and her doc said dont travel too much- you can make the trip to see your dad one time, but dont go back and forth. MIL said, dont come now (when FIL was still alive) come when he dies, I will need you then. So she didnt see her dying father, she went to the funeral instead to support her mom.

I am not the asshole, right? I called a narcissist on their bad behavior and am getting slammed. But Im not the asshole right?

15 comments posted: Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Ever feel so betrayed it takes your breath away

Sometimes i cant believe what my STBX did. Wow.

And twice.

It literally takes my breath away. I am dumbfounded.

I rug swept a lot after 2011 when he dumped ow1. I wanted to make it work so badly. I blamed his actions on bipolar.

Im just discovering true raw feelings now that im trying to move on. This is the why. This is the reason we are divorcing.

I have therapy next week grin

12 comments posted: Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Language learning online?

I want to learn a language- i was intermediate level in college but am now probably "rusty beginner"

I would ideally like to facetime with a native speaker and just talk and have them correct me as we go.

I found a program and i can do it for a month (2 45 min lessons a week) for something like 600$

I was about to sign up when i read online that there are better programs, and that the tutors are inly paid a fraction of your fee.

Should i care about that? Im guessing people might like to have the flexibility that a job like this would offer, and $15 an hour would be ok to them. plus the company has expenses, which my $600 would also have to go towards. I dont know if a disgruntled employee wrote that review?

Just dont want to pick the wrong place.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

In laws who encouraged the affair?

Question about cutting kids off from in laws that encouraged the affair

My inlaws suck. They were friends w OW, talked shit about me to her (like, "Gotta isnt worth getting upset over, OW. You have been such a help to our son, I really cant thank you enough"

OW is a nurse. She got WH hooked on benzos, while with her he got fired from two jobs (they would do pills and sleep from Thursday - Tuesday AM and he’d call in "sick" every Monday and Friday.

SHE WAS NOT A GOOD INFLUENCE OR PERSON

Ils are a huge, fun family so even though i was pissed at them for supporting wh’s relationship with OW, i wanted my kids to have a relationship with the many cousins, great aunts and uncles, great grandma, etc, who had nothing to do with this and are good people.

We had not seen the in laws for 3 years. (Nov 2018). We were supposed to go in August, but when talking to MIL i found out she and my SILs and their families were all going on a family vacation 1/2 way through our planned trip up there. They had just been on a family vacation together to SIL’s lakehouse July 4, and were now going on another week long vacation together. One month later. Our week and a half long visit would now be 3 days.

I asked if they could push their vaca back a few days, if we could join them, etc. Nope.

We would have had 3 days to visit. After a 3 year absence, new baby no one has met, and an 8ish hour drive.

Long story short, i ended up telling mil that the family treats my kids differently than the other grands, and that she is weak and amoral as she invited OW on vacation and to her home.

SIL 2 immediately texted WH that if he showed up at MILs house she would call the cops. (Wh had no idea i had spoken to Mil). Wh sent that text to his mom and other sister and said whats this? Fine, if you all feel like that my family wont bother you again.

MIL texted back "good, did you see what your wife told your mother? She is a nut"

MIL said “Good.” When her son said he would not bother her again. I cant imagine how hurtful that was to WH. Good.

I didnt yell curse or say profanity. I am not a nut. The truth has upset MIL.

SIL 1 also called ne and left a voice mail taht said,"You are not invited to my moms or my house. We love WH and the kids and they can come, but not you" WH is not going to drive 500 miles with the kids, alone. laugh

I never want to have contact with them again. They do not treat my kids equal to the other grandkids.

Wh blocked them from his phone, they do call in to his office. There have been about 7 calls in 2 months to his office. From both his mom and SIL1.

My question. I will not talk to them again. WH, its his decision to talk to them. I dont think he will right now, if just because he is slammed with work and . Eventually we will divorce (i have some unrelated stuff going on where i need him right now so we live in the same house but in separate rooms) so this is not an issue we have to discuss because we will not be married.

My kids- the younger two dont care about mil. But my oldest (almost 16 yrs), remembers pre-affair when we all got along.

She also has a phone (younger kids dont) so MIL and her aunts and cousins can text her. MIL texts about once a month. Oldest cousin has texted a few times, and the cousin her age told her in 2018 when she tried to text her “why are you texting me? Its not like we are friends. We were close when we were little but not anymore". DD was shocked and doesnt text her anymore.

Do I tell dd to stop all contact? Or… Do i keep it at this; I told her a few weeks ago that she is an amazing person and should never be #2 In anyones book. That enough people will think shes great and she wont have to beg to be included in things, and focus on those people, dont waste time on people like the in laws (dont play the "pick me!" Game). I also said i know shes very respectful and family is important to her, and if she chooses to stay in contact with ILS, thats her choice and I support her.

DD has said that I am in the right for what I said to MIL, and that she would have said it earlier.

30 comments posted: Sunday, September 26th, 2021

“Shes crazy”- discounting viewpoints by saying shes crazy

I know there are people who know about mental health and why people do what the do.

Why do people discount others by flippantly saying "youre crazy" when they dont have an actual come back in a heated discussion?

3 comments posted: Friday, September 24th, 2021

Why was Ex nice to others and not spouse

I bet a lot of us have had this happen. Ex was super supportive of OW and even others in their lives, but constantly put you, the spouse, down.

I was VERY supportive of WH. My family helped us financially. I am a generally nice person. I am relatively attractive.

Friends have asked WH, "How did you land her?" Our daughter has even asked this.

So why did WH tell his family to be nice and accept his OW? Make her come on vacation with them? Why didnt he tell them i was important? To Be nice to me?

Why did he stick up for OW2 and tearfully tell me, shes like a sister since my family has rejected me. But I will give up a friend relationship with her if thats what u want.

As a former adulterer, he should have dropped contact with his "friend" immediately when I asked. Instead he went to bat for her.

Ow 1, he paraded around his family. So much so MIL told me, "its a shame about ow1, she had such a great career" when she heard that she was on mental health leave. She told WH she was answering Ow1’s calls after he dumped her bc "that poor girl needs someone to talk to"

Its like i was living in Bizarro World! WH and his family treated ME like I was the unreasonable and unstable OW and treated OW like family.

And honestly, the teal question i should be asking is Why did you stay so long, Gotta? There are a lot of reasons for that. Family, finances, the thrill when he did treat me nicely.

I just cant imagine WH having a great wife like me, loyal to a fault! and not cherishing us our marriage our family and our kids?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Any academics?

Life sucks. Instead of doing nothing i am looking into phd programs. I worked in museum education pre-kids. I have also taught English, and volunteered at a school for at risk youth, creating games for teachers to use in the classroom.

I would like to work in museum ed again. Or generally in museums. I have an MA in history and an additional graduate degree in museum studies.

I am wondering if a PhD/ EdD in education or history would be my best route.

Hubby makes fun if me because he says, "you just want the piece of paper". And to a certain extent he is right. It’s something Ive always wanted to complete, and I was doing this when i got pregnant with #1.

Another reason I want to do this is i fucking love museums . I get goosebumps when I walk into one. If i get to work in one ALL DAY LONG i will freaking flip ill be so happy. Especially a large one where i can visit the exhibits on lunch breaks. The Louvre is my favorite.

Anyone in this field? Im a bit lost since its been 16 years since I worked in the field. I have read that keeping updated is good, as in attending conferences… which is something i can do

7 comments posted: Saturday, September 18th, 2021

My mom might have Alzheimers

I say might because I cant say she does.

My sister talked to the doctor a few days ago and said she was worried about her driving and the doc said yes, she should stop.

So my sister, instead of having a respectful conversation with her, rifled through her purse, took her keys and hid them. When my mom woke up to go get coffee and visit my dad at the cemetery early Sunday morning, she found them gone. She was crushed. My sister who took the keys had also told our middle sister who agreed. My mom was doubly crushed.

That was sunday. Monday i got in my car and drove 500 miles to her house and brought her to my house Tuesday. With a toddler. I told my sister who she lives with (sister has always lived at home. She has mental health issues… probably long term depression… and just never launched out of the house.)

Yesterday I got texts that said she needed to be back in a week to settle in for her doctors appointments. (I had been told be back by Sept. 16, now it was Sept 9.)

My mom told me with how they treated me, i might not be home until Christmas! Intexted my oldest sister that.

My middle sister texts me that i have kiddnapped mom, this is not what she wants, she made these appointments with our oldest sister. She called my a spoiled brat and said stop being a Disney dad and bring her home so she can go to the doctor.

My oldest sister who lives with her only leaves the house once a week to get groceries. She is obsessed with covid but is also very anti social. She will take our mother to get coffee through a drive thru and see the ducks at the park, but will not take her anywhere to go inside.

I have taken my mom, in the past two days, two breakfast at a restaurant, coffee at the coffee shop, the park where she slid down the slide with my toddler, we have driven my son to and from school, we have eaten good food that i made (my sister is a horrible eater and eats pre packaged meals, and thats what she buys. She will get apples and bananas and peanut butter and soups and bread… thats basically what my mom eats with her.

I dont want advice about this situation. It is too raw qnd i cant stabd to talk about it. What i am saying is that the universe hates me. I have tried so hard to have a family and It keeps sending crap sandwiches my way. Crazy neighbors who stress me out. (But who have backed off since i yelled at the husband early this year). Husband who is bipolar and not a partner at all. Inlaws that never were nice to me, and i told MIL off last month, and now they REALLY hate me. My husbands manic episode last year that ended in him resigning and being escorted from work. The stress of him starting a new business because of that. Lost friendships over that. Now this.

I feel like the world will never be a happy place for me. I try so hard and have no one. I have 3 wonderful children but no adults i can count on. No family to help me. 10 years ago, even 5, my sister and mom were huge helps. Now my sister hates me.

I literally feel like the universe hates me and is trying to be mean to me.

Oh! And i have diastasis recti from 3 big babies. So i am fat and look 6 months pregnant. And i am pre diabetic.

So yeah. I just dont know why my life sucks so much. It was not always this bad. 12 years ago, i had great neighbors, was sort of friends with the in Laws, and wh was not showing bipolar signs and he was helpful and a decent dad.

Im just so tired and weary from the constant gut punches life is throwing me. Can I ask everyone to throw out some prayers/ good vibes/ mojo to help me have some happiness in life? I need something good to happen. My mom is going to the doc on the 16th and he might pit her in a medical trial- if that helps, that would answer prayers.

15 comments posted: Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Adhd in adults

Im trying to work on my mental health. My son has ADHD. His test scores and executive functioning scores were pretty low.

When hos teachers brought up adhd in 3 or 4th grade, i kept saying, noooo, hes just like me at that age! I had the same issues. He will be fine. Finally got him tested in 5th grade, and the psychologist said he was significantly impacted by adhd. As in, “How the *%#! did you not know your kid has this, lady?”

The more i learned the more i realized shit, i think i might have this too.

Have any adults here been tested and gotten on meds? My son went from almost being held back one year to getting on Meds and then deans list the next year. So i see how amazing proper treatment can be and what a difference it can make in your life.

I am a sahm now, but will need to re enter work force soon, so im thinking i shoukd get tested and a care plan in place to improve my functioning. I currently have symptoms like always late, forgetful (i pay bills several months in advance) rejection sensitive dysphoria (i cant take criticism) and if youve ever read a post of mine i go off on a lot of tangents

7 comments posted: Sunday, August 29th, 2021

Covid lonliness

Im feeling so darn lonley these days. I used to have lots of acquaintances pre covid that i no longer have. I still have my close friends who are far away, one is close by and another is sort of close and i see her some…


But those moms at sports that my kids aremt doing, or school, or friends of WH’s that he lost, and even friends who have passed away (i had two older family friends pass, not due to covid, in the past 2 years)

Add in that we arent seeing WH’s family, 6 is good but if was social interaction, even if it was toxic…

I just feel like a hole i. My life with the people Ive lost- either bu death, change of circumstances, or cutting out toxic people.

Just kinda bummed.

5 comments posted: Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Feel like i overshared with my kid

DD is 15, will be 16 later this year. Very mature for her age. Is more into current events and politics than crushes and instagram.

Sometimes she is so damn smart and mature that I forget shes a kid and I overshare. Last night, we were discussing the in laws. She is upset about that situation, and is the one who pointed out that her aunt and grandma did something. I jumped in and said yeah, "aunt sucks. When you skipped 8th grade, dad was bragging about you to her. Her response was, "well, i know shes smart, but you live in a rural area, could she do that where I live? (Manhatten)"

I immediately regretted telling her that. Dd said when did she say this and what did dad say? (Dad said something along the lines of her National test scores are 99% so shes being tested right against the NYC .. ie, YOUR… kids"

I apologized and said I should not have said that, and said you know you’re smart right? She said no, but then again my English teacher said i have imposter syndrome (when a smart person thinks they are not smart, but just have everyone fooled into thinking they are)

I added that aunt is mean to everyone, and made fun of her brother’s football picture. (I sent it to wh who sent it to his sisters and mom)

My son was about 9 and i swear looked like t actor Dominic West. Put the two pics (my son and West) side by side.

Wh sent that to his family and said wow, isnt Bobby handsome! Looks like Dominic West! his sister said, no, doesnt look like him at all. His face looks like hes constipated.

My youngest had a facial birthmark and i texted MIL a pic of him the day he was born. MIL Texted back and said, does ge have the same thing on gis face that your DD had? First text about my new baby and she is Talking about his birthmark! (Which was a "storkmark" and yes has gone away)

I said see, they are just mean to everyone in our family. Its not just you. Dont give it a second thought. I am sorry i shouldnt have told you.

Damnit!!! I feel awful. Why did I tell her that?!? She is processing the situation with her grandma and says if she doesnt get an apology from them for past behavior she is cutting them out at 18. So we have been talking about this a lot. I just flipping overshared that story about the aunt.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Delicate question

Ok. So my marriage is not salvageable. Sad but true. Im thinking to a new relationship.

Ive been embarrassed about this but want opinions.

A year or so ago, wh said that (omg this is WAY TMI.) wh said that during sex, i was "tight" when it started, very tight when i was about to orgasm, and after i orgasm relaxed and was not as tight. He said that after orgasm, he could not finish because i lost that tightness that I had before the big O.

So, i would not orgasm and let him finish. After he finished he would be flacid and go to sleep.

This has also made me self conscious about a new partner.

Im wondering if
1- this is a thing with all women? And men just deal with it?
2- he told me this to make me feel bad to keep me from wanting to pursue a new relationship

Just to add- wh is very well endowed, both length and girth. His meds and poor lifestyle (45, all junk food, no exercise) make him have trouble sustaining an erection though.

17 comments posted: Sunday, August 15th, 2021

In laws

Trying to keep this in OT. smile

After years of MIL and SILs being asshats, i told her what I thought of her about 2 1/2 weeks ago. I was respectful, no cursing, but i did say she was week and amoral. I also told her that she doesnt treat my kids as equally as she treats the other grandkids (she has 3 kids and each one has three kids, so 9 grandkids total.)

I wrote her off. After I told ger this (i told her because we were planning a visit and she was cutting it short because she and her other two kids and 6 grandkids were going on vacation for the second time this summer to a second rental property SIL 1 owns, and we were told they had to go by BIL2’s work schedule.

My WH owns his own business and its VERY hard to get away, and we have not seen them for three YEARS. They have never met our youngest child.

We threw out other options- can we tag along (beach house is in the Hamptons and is a 2.5 million dollar home. It has 5 bedrooms and multiple baths. It was "too small" ). Ok. Can you go a few days later to the Hamptons? No. SIL 1 asked me to join them. Can the whole party go a few days later? (SIL 1 has rented this house for a year.) No. We have to work around BIL2’s work schedule.

(SIL2 has not talked to WH in 2 years and SIL1 was not going to drive up to MILs while we were visiting… so we were only planning on seeing MIL and extended family cousins)


Ok. So we are going to drive 7 hours with a baby, kennel our dog, and then be expected to turn around and leave. This has happened so many times. My kids have said, "why cant we ever go with the other cousins? Why are we always left out"

I have offered to pay 1/3 for the rental, food etc.

So i told her, ok, just be nice to my kids. She was defensive and said we are always nice… etc. then i said thank goodness my kids have my sisters, you guys are a lot different than my family. She responded in a nasty tone, "well, your family is a lot different than ours"

I snapped and very calmly said, "you are right. My family has morals"

She immediately became defensive, i laughed a bit and said, "you are not a moral person. Please tell me one instance where you have shown announce of morality"

She said "I dont have to prove anything to you, Goodbye"

I felt a little badly after this… but as the weeks go on, I think, "i will never apologize for sticking up for my kids "
"This should have been said years ago"
"Her defensiveness and actions after show I am right"

She cried to SIL 1 and 2. SIL2 sent a text to
Wh saying I was a nut job, which I think is a classic psychological defense when you are angry and in the wrong. Accuse someone of being crazy. She texted that if we came on our trip she would call the sheriff if we stepped on MIL’s property.

Um. Ok? A bit excessive. But henceforth I will use this as reason not to go to my MIL’s . laugh

My SIL 1 called me and left voicemail. (This is all within 30 min of my call to MIL) she said there is room for WH and the kids, wed love to see them. But you, I dont need to see you. You are not invited to my home or MIL’s home. You and your husband can work out if you want to have your kids here with us"

Ahhh…. So the reason my kids have been on the outs for years is because… you dont like me! laugh Knew it. But its nice for this voice mail confirmation.

No, sweetheart. My husband and I will not discuss the kids. I have sole custody of our kids, have had it for a while, due to his severe mental health issues (which sometimes are fine but others he is not a safe parent). I dont discuss jack shit with him regarding the kids. Legally, I dont have to!

My oldest is a senior in high school. There are a lot of amazing schools within 3 hours of MIL and we were going to see them during our trip there. My kids also wanted to see a new baby cousin (who’s mom is not aware if the drama) and go to the lake where the ILS rent a lake house every summer and we have been but are asked to stay at a hotel 20 min away. And, of course, visit the collges.

I took my 3 kids on a week long, 1900 mile trip thru 9 states looking a colleges. Since we had the two younger kids, we stopped every 2 or so hours to eat, go to musuems, parks, etc. we ended the trip with a day at a fun tourist city and had a blast!!

I did NOT put pics on facebook, because I didnt want the drama from ILS. My DD put one pic of her at the lake on Visco. Her cousin saw. Yesterday, MIl, SIL1 called my husband’s answering service at work (he blocked them on his phone) and MIl texted dd. Cousin (21 years old) texted dd, asking point blank if shed gone to the lake.

Mil changed her Facebook pic to one of her, her daughters and sons in law, grandkids and 21 yr old granddaughter’s boyfriend (yep, he was invited to the Hamptons house laugh ) to her profile pic. I have three kids. I would never have a "family" pic and leave a kid out.

It just seems like they are trying to pull us back into their mess.

I will, and I have told DD to, IGNORE.

You couldn’t pay me to visit them. Had a ton of fun in their area without them.

Also- Dd didnt like the colleges nearest MIl. She liked the one farthest away , for reasons unrelated to the family drama.

4 comments posted: Friday, August 13th, 2021

The why

I worked so hard to create a family. I had fantasies about holidays in the future where our kids, their spouses and their kids would come visit. It would be huge and loud w lots of food.

Why would he destroy that twice?

And why would mil not want us in her family? Why was ow accepted and i wasnt? Mil was almost giddy when wh dumped me in 2010. I don’t understand. Really and truly.

I dont get why they dont like me. I have 2 graduate degrees, come from a nice family. My parents have been very generous to us during our marriage both emotionally and financially.

Why dont they care about the kids? My kids- mil’s grandkids- are all beautiful, smart, nice kids. The oldest is 15 and a senior in high school. She’s a 4 sport athlete and competed and won medals at state competition, and was invited to regionals in 2020, went to camps, etc… kiddo 2 was on deans list, and is involved in local sports and clubs and a cool kid.

And baby 3 is 1 and sweet and smart and cuddley.

Why would you give us away? We are great! I dont get it.

I need an answer.

16 comments posted: Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Question- going to in laws neck of the woods. Should kid visit

My 15 year old dd is super smart and a senior in high school. She is looking at colleges and the trip we were to take to inlaws we were also supposed to visit a tin of colleges (2 are two hrs away, 2 are in the in laws town, and 1 is 2 hours away, then there is a progression of colleges spotting the interstate for the next 4 hours that we want to see)

So. We obviously arent going to MiL house. As sil 2 who lives a few houses down said if we show up Saturday, she will call the sheriff. Ok. Um… thats a bit dramatic, maybe you want to stop watching Reality tv there, lady.

But. Darnit, my kid deserves to see her colleges. So im driving 6 hrs to the first one, we will visit, then an hour to the second, wenwill visit, etc etc.

Two colleges are in MIL town. Dd has said she wants to see grandma.

I told her I would drop her off for dinner or lunch at a restaurant in if she really wanted, but that one of her aunts might come “just incase Gotta starts trouble “

I only want my kids to have as many people who love and support them as possible. I dont want to fight w these people.

I told her to expect Aunt J to show up, and she doesnt like Aunt J (aunt J is the one who wouldnt give her a blanket when she stayed at the Lakehouse and proceeded to snuggle under her blanket and go to sleep.

DD is a little more hesitant to go knowing that aunt might be there to “protect” mil. (I say she might do this because she did when i asked to speak to mil after court when we were divorcing in 2010… aunt R came and stood next to mil so i wouldnt “be mean”

What say you, SI? Lunch or dinner with MIL (realizing she is not like me and wouldnt just have a nice meal with DD) or just let the dust clear and maybe let DD have lunch with her if/when she attends college up near MIl.

24 comments posted: Saturday, July 31st, 2021

I told my mother-in-law off yesterday

OK. So you guys know kind of a wimp about leaving WH. It’s been dragging on. Well we were supposed to see the in-laws in a few days. We have not seen them in three years. And they have never met our newest child who is not quite two.

WH has two sisters, their families, and mother-in-law and his sort of nuclear family. He also has some cousins and their families who are pretty close to him. They grew up together.

Mother-in-law and sisters in law go to a Lakehouse every summer for the past few years. We are not invited. I have asked if we can come, they say there’s no room. But even before they rented that Lakehouse we weren’t included in the times that they rented a hotel rooms in the resort area.

The last time we went up there, 2018, my daughter was invited to stay at the house with everybody, however my son was not. I let my daughter stay, she asked one of her aunts for a blanket, the aunt said oh it’s so hot you don’t need one. And snuggled up under her own blanket and went to sleep.

My kids have mentioned before how big kind of feel left out, or how grandma favors the other grandchildren.

Our trip up there was only going to be three days, because my sisters in law and their husbands decided to take another family trip. One month after the last family trip. I asked if we could go to that one, it’s my sister-in-law‘s Richard house in the Hamptons. It’s huge and it’s trying to be sold for $2.5 million. They said again there was no room. So in effect we are being kicked out after three days. My children have not seen their grandmother or cousins in three years, and they are going to leave three days and to our proposed visit.

I was calling mother-in-law to see you know what was up with that. Long story short I started laughing and I said you know I’m not gonna get in between my husband and his sisters I have my own sisters. This is what my family said where they said don’t marry that boy their families different than ours. Mother-in-law shot back well your family is a lot different than ours too.

21 years of being fucking pissed off and not saying anything came out. Nothing I said was a lie. I did not say anything wrong, I did not call names. I told the truth. When she said your family is a lot different than ours too. I said yes they have morals.

She said what does that mean we have morals to. I said no you don’t. If you had morals you would not have invited OW1 on vacation with you. She said that was the only way I got to see my grandkids if if she came. I said I don’t think that’s true. However if it is that’s your pretty weak. And I did say she was weak and had no morals. I also said I just want my kids to be treated with kindness by your family and in the past they had not.

She was upset that I said she had no morals. And she said I have morals. I said no you down I said tell me one time when you have shown an ounce of morality? She said I don’t have to prove anything to you. I said you don’t but you know I’m right. She said no you’re not goodbye.

My sister-in-law immediately texted WH and said your wife called mom a nut. When she is a nut. I told my husband I never said that, it’s not words that I use. I don’t tell people not to call them crazy. But not nuts and I never called your mom. She also said if we showed up Saturday on our planned trip that she would call the sheriff and have us removed from her mothers doorstep.

His other sister called me, I did not answer the phone, and she said when are you gonna learn to stop picking on my mother. We love my brother and the kids, they are welcome to at my house but you aren’t. You are not invited to my home and you’re not invited to my mothers home and you’re not to go there.

OK.

WH is livid he threw a piece of pizza at my head last night. He laughed and said congratulations on your baby. I am not pregnant, I have diet stasis adamant physical therapy for it. And it’s a very sore subject. He texted many of my friends and said can you believe with God I did? She’s a horrible person stop being her friend.

If what I said was not true, it would not hurt.

I don’t feel badly at all about saying what I did. I’m actually pretty proud, that I didn’t bring up that I found out some things about her family doing genealogy research. Example mother-in-law has given a cousin a very hard time about having a baby at wedlock recently. I found through genealogy that her grandparents got married in 1926. Her mother was born in 1921. I don’t believe she knows this. I also did not Curse or call her any expletives. I was very calm and said my family has morals and yours doesn’t. Which I stand by 150%.

I find it extremely ironic that she tolerated OW want to see the grandkids. However she won’t tolerate me to see the grandkids. I am a nice person. I do nice things for people, I am a good person. Part of why I stayed with WH so long, it’s because I’m a good person and I see the good in people. I was standing up for myself. I was not being unduly cool. I think it’s pretty shitty to plan a family vacation with two of your children and their families, not invite your third child and his family, and to say oh well we can only see you for three days because we’re going on a weeklong vacation to your sister‘s house that she has rented until October. They can change their dates, they can invite us, they could’ve done a lot of things to make this work, if they had wanted to. They did not.

I thought to myself yesterday a lot of people have exit affairs. I think I just had an exit telling my mother-in-law off. I talked to a police officer last night at 10:30 PM after my husband hit me in the head with a second slice of pizza. And asked him how I can get my husband out of the house. I have a name of a police officer that I have to talk to today. I am fucking paralyzed with fear. However I don’t see how I can stay in the same house with my husband anymore. With him screaming calling me names throwing food at me calling me names like pregnant and fat.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:57 AM, July 29th (Thursday)]

24 comments posted: Thursday, July 29th, 2021

I want to email OW2

I want to email her and in a very nice way tell her what a piece of shit she is (i used to teach english and have written for a living before so if i think hard enough i can come up with something good)

I would email it to her, and the boss (workplace affair). Possibly her husband.

Shes having an affair with a bailiff at work.

I would block all emails from responding after i hit send

I would include pics of text messages she sent my husband

Yeah or Nay

18 comments posted: Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Glen Ellyn, Illinois

Is this area drive able ? Theres a frida kahlo exhibit there and i would hate to drive all that way if its crazy traffic i cant navigate!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:41 PM, July 18th (Sunday)]

5 comments posted: Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Interesting things!

Im feeling down like I am the worlds most boring person.

Name something interesting you have done.

Extra points if I can do it (ie, a move to Sweden is interesting but not doable for me. Helicopter ride over the city is )

I will go first: for years I have wanted to ride in a hot air balloon. I am scared of heights but really wanted to do it! Last month I went on my first hot air balloon ride

21 comments posted: Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Lexington, Kentucky

Can I have some suggestions for fun things to do around Lexington, KY? I dont mind driving up to about 2 hours anyway from there. (Even more if its really cool! )

Coffee places, winery, museums, live music, restaurants, hikes, lakes, historical places, parks, gardens, bungee jumping, helicopter rides over the city…. ANYTHING fun and cool

12 comments posted: Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Mental health question regarding the affair

What would you do?

Im still processing the last affair. I need more therapy but i havent gone in about 9 mos- im taking care of 3 kids, doing PT for physical stuff related to last pregnancy, and i have a sick relative that i visit often who lives 7-9 hrs away . (7 hrs wo kids and dog, 9 -12 hrs when i bring kids and dog. And i always bring kids and dog )

Anyway. I usually rug sweep and bury the hurt, but today I was thinking. If ow2 and wh were Best Friends, what would you gave done in the situation.

Wh was inundating ow2 with texts about how she should not drive her Mil back to florida during the pandemic. Mil had been staying with ow2 and her husband and kids, after ow2 mother died several weeks before.

Ow 2 ‘s mil brought her 2 big dogs when ows son is allergic. My husband is also allergic to dogs and was upset that ow would force a kid to be around a pet hes allergic to, and just dose him with benadryl when needed.

Last straw was when they were all driving to a covid hotspot. Wh texted both ow and her husband many texts and info about covid, etc… and put in a text about how they need to think of their kids, as obviously they havent if theyve made their allergic 6 year old be in a house w 2 dogs the last 2 mos.

Ow was upset. Both block his texts. About 5 days later she calls in work and cries that she cant come in because wh was mean and telling her she was going to give the office covid, etc.

She told the boss that disliked wh first. A second boss came to wh and yelled at him for 30 minutes about what a shitty friend he was and its none of his business if ow goes to florida during covid. (Wh told her that he would allert the court system if she went, since no attorneys or other court officers were allowed to go to court for 2 weeks after travel back then)

Wh was manic. He quit his job and there is some other stuff that happened but ling and short- ow knew he has bipolar. He told her he has issues like this at times

If that were MY friend (haha… friend) i would have contacted the wife and said your husband is having issues, you need to come home (i was visiting family at the time)

I would not have gone into work and brought this there. The texts didnt happen during work time.

My dd baby sat her kids and when wh took dd to court (she is in highschool and was shadowing him for a week) ow 2 looked at her and ran away. Ow 2 used to text my dd (like an aunt… just stuff like your dad told me about your A! Congrats! )

This woman threw me a baby shower for baby 3. She had us to her home, we babysat her kids when she and her husband went out. We went to the lake together, etc. family friends.

I am not saying my wh isnt a complete jerk. But i feel like she went way overboard and did not handle this correctly.

BTW- shes messed up her career over this. She is given easy cases and has a boss with her sometimes (like a new attorney would). Other attorneys make fun of her (ive seen texts where they talk about her)

And to just ghost people you were supposedly friends with? I haven’t really lost a friend, but she considered me a friend (i know way more about her problems than she knew about mine..). And my DD. This is your old babysitter!

Also, rumor is she’s involved with a bailiff at work now. So she isnt making any good choices. But man. It still boggles my mind that she would destroy a “friend “ like that without notice to me at all. No - hey gotta, whats going on…

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:52 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

41 comments posted: Sunday, July 11th, 2021

In laws and my kids

Inlaws are jerks. They are a big family and like to say how close they are, but they leave wh and our kids out.

Since 2016 they have gone on a family trip together (mil, her 2 daughters and their husbands and kids). This started the year my wh had surgery over july 4 holiday, which is anslow time at work and he had time off. We had usually spent july 4 with these people.

The next year SIL 2 told me over group text that everyone would be gone July 4 because thats when we take our annual family vacation. I was surprised, as I had never heard of this, but then found out it started the year before. Asked if we could come, and for the next few years we were sortnof invited- they would make reservations but leave us out and then we would get a hotel away from the group. Two year of this- we realized we werent wanted. We didnt ask to go this year, but mil did ask wh when he was visiting and he said July- she quickly texted back, “We will be gone then, and there are no hotels left up there” (which is BS- I actually looked online and they are expensive but available). Wh texted back- i mean end of July. Which, isnt going to happen either, because he has not made any plans for the dog and i know hos work schedule…. But not my problem.

So. They are on their vacation at the lake house now. And the cousins (their kids) are all on social media. My oldest is 15 and seeing her cousins (these are her only first cousins, my siblings dont have kids) shes seeing them with MIl, her grandma, having fun and doing family stuff.

She is very hurt. Ive explained that its me they dont like- not her. She said its still painful. Ive said they are jerks and don’t deserve her time- she says that sucks because they are her biological family and i dont get it because they are only my in laws.

My family is small but loves my kids and spoils them. They are loved here (we are all in my family’s state on an extended vacation now).

My in laws have never seen my youngest- who will be 2 in a few months . TWO. No one wished my middle son a happy birthday a few days ago. Grandma was on vacation with her other grandkids on a trip mine were not invited on, and did not even call.

My kids (esp. DD) dont want to ever see them again. She is telling me i have tomput my foot down with WH and tell him they arent going. What would you do? Get involved? Knowing that wh will flake out, and the trip wont happen, not say anything?

I used to go to the in laws bc my kids had fun with cousins, but now its been 3 years simce they have seen them, they dont know them anymore and say they feel like outsiders.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:49 AM, July 3rd (Saturday)]

12 comments posted: Saturday, July 3rd, 2021

Ow2 is having an affair with someone else at work

Recently found out that Ow 2 is having a PA with the guy who made some mean comments about my WH having mental issues to him.

(Small town. Big talk)

Theres kids involved

Its just sad all around.

3 comments posted: Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Road Trip! :-)

Scoping out colleges for the kid. Must see Vassar. All others are optional.

We will be driving up to Pougkipsie (Dont laugh i cant spell ) then on to Martha’s Vineyard to see a friend.

I will need to stop a lot because I have a toddler.

I love roadtrips and dont mind lots of stops. I am not a “get there fast gal”. Quite the opposite.

I CAN NOT drive thru NYC!

Tell me fun places along or sort of along the way!! Basically anything from stroudsburg PA to Marthas Vineyard….

17 comments posted: Monday, June 14th, 2021

Weight distribution???

I have 20-30 lbs to lose from being pregnant 2 years ago

I walk and my legs and butt look great. Literally, 20-30 extra lbs in my gut.

I have always been an hourglass shape. My mom is a pear and dad’s whole side (including grandma) are apple shaped

Can your weight distribution change as you get older? I have never been an apple, but now i am. Skinny legs big tummy like dad and grandma. When id always been bigger thighs and butt like mom.

10 comments posted: Sunday, June 6th, 2021

Family genealogy question

Back in the 1920s, not being married and living together or having kids together was pretty scandalous.

I have found a relative who just didnt give a damn! They were married in 1926 and had 4 kids (born 1920, twins in 1921, 1924). They lived in the same house and married in 1926, and there is a writeup in the newspaper about them, saying their respective addresses, which were the same address.

I have since found where the husband was arrested for illegal alcohol production, they found a still and an underground system of tunnels from several houses/buildings and the still.

This couple was never shunned in their city for not being married and living together. They however didnt tell their kids they were not married until 1926, so at some point they changed the story. In their obituaries it says married 1919… but in the September 1926 news paper it says marriage license requested and then a few days later there is another write up about the wedding.

Im wondering if the husband was such a big guy in town (running the illegal still) that he could get away with social behavior that others in the 1920s would have been shunned for?

Sounds like an interesting family story! And all of the people are long past away, those who remember him are retirement age and remember nice old man!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:51 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

2 comments posted: Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

Ow2 telling people Wh’s bipolar diagnosis

Ow2 and Wh both have mental health issues. That was why they bonded.

Wh is very tight lipped about telling people his bipolar diagnosis. ONLY family knew until he told ow2 about 18 mos ago.

Well, 11 mos ago shit hit the fan, ow 2 and wh had big blowup over covid (wh was manic and told her she was being stupid for traveling to a hotspot during covid)

Ow 2 told their boss, wh got in trouble and subsequently quit.

He still sees ow 2 through work.

Ow 2 now has another emotional affair

Wh was next to this man a few days ago and the man said under his breath, “mental issues “

I told wh when u lay with dogs you get fleas. I am not surprised that ow 2 has another paramour, and im not surprised that she has blabbed about wh’s mental health.

My worry is how that will effect his business - if it gets out that he has bipolar, will that make him lose work? And money? And child support.

Im pissed. But not surprised. And to blab something so personal about someone… what a snake. Why is she talking about WH? This is so highschool…. I need to not feed on the gossip.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:58 AM, May 30th (Sunday)]

12 comments posted: Saturday, May 29th, 2021

Feeling weird this summmer

Just at loose ends. Its beautiful weather here and when im inside i feel anxious about “wasting” a beautiful day spending it inside.

When im outside indont have fun. Its hot here and the mosquitoes are everywhere and i enjoy outside in early spring much better.

My kids are out of school as of today for the summer. I am so anxious about what to do. Sports and clubs that were cancelled last year are starting back up, but we havent started yet.

I guess im in a weird area of, no school, no sports and covid anxiety to do much more. But stuff is opening up, and others are getting out… last year it was ok in my mind tonstay home because NO ONE was doing ANYTHING.

I feel so… weird. Not enjoying life like I usually do. I usually LOVE summer break and have a million things that I want to do with the kids. Now Im just like, “is it bed time yet?”

Anyone else? Is this Covid fatigue/anxiety?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:29 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

4 comments posted: Friday, May 21st, 2021

Colon Cancer question

I am lying down with my sweet toddler who has just drifted off to sleep (yep, at 5 pm, because today was a no nap day ). And I saw a thread anout colorectal cancer screaning and thought, “Hey! I can ask my question here!”

BIL is 53. Never had a colonoscopy. Had blood in stool around the holidays. Found cancer, did surgery and remoned a foot of colon. He was at stage 2.

The oncologist said he recommended radiation and chemo.

BIL said no. He doesn’t want to go through that and he believes that chemo will just put the cancer cells in remission and eventually they will come back angry and worse.

He said he is opting to treat his cancer through dense nutrition.

From what i understand he is now trying to eat a vegan diet (he’s usually a rare meat and potatoes guy ) and he is “juicing”

He tries to eat whole foods most of the time.

He still drinks alcohol. He, from what I have seen, is a pretty big whisky and wine drinker.

Has anyone heard of this? Dense nutrition to cure cancer? Stage 2 sounds good, so im hopeful he will be ok… but hes going against doctor’s advice and said no to chemo and radiation.

10 comments posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Mean Neighbor Advice?

Hmm. Just had an interaction with mean neighbor. It was surprisingly cordial.

I saw they had put an ornamental thing on our yard (about a foot over the property line) Their fence is on the property line and ours is 1 ft in, and this thing goes between the two fences.

I saw it and walked to it, and was on the phone and said damnit, the neighbors put something on my yard!

I hear a voice from the window that says I am glad to move it if you want.

I walked to her window and said a few things about being concerned about property lines and she said her kids (who have autism) run between the fences and she thought it would would be good for safety.

I said say no more, of kids safety is at stake, its perfectly fine.

We chatted for another minute or two and i left.

I have been thinking about texting her and saying nice to talk the other day, i know we haven’t had the best relationship the last few years and maybe it was some misunderstandings, and i really appreciate you letting me know about the blocking thing to keep the kids safe. We all have ti work together to keep the kids safe and have a happy childhood

Or something like that.

Stbxh said that was bad, dont contact her.

My son who the family has been shitty towards said it was a nice idea and to text her

She is not nice, and neither is her husband. I do not want to be friends. But i also dont want to hate anyone and hopefully being nice will make them nicer towards us???

9 comments posted: Thursday, May 13th, 2021

New beginnings with out a partner ever again?

It’s been a process for me to untangle with Stbxwh.

I don’t think I can ever trust another person after this- and I really don’t look forward to dating or meeting someone new.

I’m 42. Can I live a happy life alone for the next 40 years? No sex for the next 40 years?

I’d love to hear from people who’s new beginnings don’t include a love interest! Because I have no interest in love!

36 comments posted: Friday, April 16th, 2021

British monarchy question

I heard that Zara, the Queen’s granddaughter say that even she curtsies to the Queen. I got the impression it was a quick respectful gesture then she was like a normal grandmother.

If the grandkids curtsy to the Queen, does that mean Prince Philip also curtsied to his wife?

Just curious.

13 comments posted: Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Bad neighbors- check my thoughts?

Neighbors that I’ve talked about here before, with two autistic kids, one that talks about killing people. The mother I have heard curse and scream at the kids for years, emotional abuse.

I have issues with thinking that people aren’t as bad as they really are. I make a lot of excuses for people.(One Example of this -my husband! ) . We were fairly friendly with this family waved hi even invited the kids to my sons birthday parties, because the mom would tell me that her kids don’t have any friends, just trying to be nice. Until the parents started saying really nasty things about my son. And saying he was doing things that I later found out he wasn’t doing it all. As in bullying his kids and telling them that he was going to get his dad‘s gun and kill their whole family. talk to my son several times about this, his story never wavered. The little girl was upset because he and his friends were ignoring her and didn’t wanna play with her and she said I’m gonna go get you in trouble now. The dad story continually changed though. From he had seen these things, too well I didn’t exactly see them but my six-year-old told me that they happened.

I go out with my kid now when he plays and noticed some really disturbing behaviors, like parents weren’t watching their kids who were 6 & 4 and autistic. I’ve seen the kids almost get hit by cars, they walk into strange neighbors homes... you get the idea. I called CPS 2x, don’t know what happened. Parents do stay outside with kids now though

Little boy is now 6. He has been violent to sister (8) kicked her in the throat, thrown a heavy basket ball thing (the big toddler kind) at her, etc. parents were not with them when these things happened.

I’ve heard him tell her he was going to kill her. Very flat, not upset or screaming. Just I’m going to Kill you. Mom did nothing. We have also heard him scream this. He calls people curse words, mom only reacts when he calls her a curse word.

Yesterday he told sister I’m going to stab you. Then he said it again, but added I’m going to stay you with xyz. Mom said now, skippy, let’s be nice.

Skippy was allowed to continue playing. He started to curse (said fu%#). Now skippy, don’t curse. Was moms response.

Check me on this. Skippy has been talking about killing people for over 2 years. This is the first time I’ve heard him say I’m going to stab you with xyz. That says progression to me. He’s going from a generic threat (I’m going to kill you) to a specific threat. (This is how I’m going to hurt you and with this item)

We don’t go near skippy or that family. Wh and I have yelled at them after several instances of them being nasty to our kid /me (sort of the big dog bark to stop the little dog yip yip at him). They haven’t bothered us since.

But skippy is troubled, right? This isn’t something he grows out of?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:16 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

2 comments posted: Sunday, April 11th, 2021

I Did It!

I emailed my divorce attorney and said I am ready to file

I had gobe to see family 7 hours away (8-9 with baby and stops for him). WH was ok sort of with that, but I was getting tests to come home soon, he didnt know if he could make it without me... whatever. He ALWAYS DOES THIS. I NEED YOU. ILL DIE WITHOUT YOU

Seriously. I was gone less than a week.

My DD stayed and I am to pick her up next weekend. (her school is virtual right now so no problems ) middle son is not virtual so I had top get him home.

WH FLIPPED when he heard I was driving back Easter weekend. He ended up locking my phone (so no maps on a long trip, which I know pretty well but they are nice if I need to find a gas station or something and get off the normal route. Also, no phone if I get in trouble or have a car issue)

We get home, and he is fairly nice, I told him to fix my phone and he said he was sorry, he didnt know I needed a password, that he had just locked it for a little while and it wasnt actually locked anymore-- i just didnt know the code

Im pissed, got a shitty call from my sister and my husband was like shes right and we start fighting

my husband goes from 0-60 in a minute and is telling me how bad a person i am, how lazy i am, LOOK AT THE HOUSE ITS A MESS (fucker- i just came home from a week trip!!!) he is saying i am lazy, "What have you done in the past 15 years other than raise kids... maybe you should talk to your friends about how to have a career, kids and clean the house"

it devolved from there. He left and went to another room. I was so pissed off and didnt know where to put that anger, so I grabbed a knife he had from eating by the bed, took it, went to the closet and shredded 4 of his suits. (He did not know I was doing this) I also threw my phone until it smashed the screen, which i had wanted to do all day after he locked it.

It felt so damn good to destroy his suits (he has more, he probably wont notice these 4 are gone) and smash that phone

Then, I started cleaning up the house. The clothes on the floor (his), I just threw in the garbage. Calvin Klein dress shirts, ties, etc. Garbage.

I realized i was scared to come home to my own fucking house. And this wasnt the first time.

I emailed the attorney. Its time. I need to file, please advise. We have the separation agreement, I have sole custody, all I need is to start getting alimony and child support (those numbers are not in the agreement, as my WH was making less last year than he probably will in the future)

Nothing he can do for me is worth living like this. Stuff like doing the electronics for me- I can take my phone to get fixed. I can drive in a different country (we are going next year and this is a worry... how will I get around without him. Now-- fuck it., I'll figure it out)

There is 0 he can do to convince me to not divorce. Last night was the end.

"THIS HOUSE IS A MESS! MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER LIVE LIKE THIS!"

Loser- I have been GONE for a week!! (where I got the stomach flu, and was sick most of the week!) ITS YOUR MESS!!!

44 comments posted: Sunday, March 28th, 2021

Normal division of housework

Im a SAHM. Wh has a demanding job. He resigned summer 2020 due to a fight with OW2, and has branched out on his own. Hes working a lot but not the 90 hrs he says

Yesterday he had anxiety, crapped himself in bed, washed the sheets and spent the whole day ( until 6:30 pm) in bed

I took my kids to a party (it was Covid safe with masks, in a large open area and with people from school that my kids are around anyway... plus my kids get covid tests thru school)

Due to covid and finding an acceptable safe, space the party was an hour away. This meant i had to find something to do in a new city with my toddler (we walked and ate snacks )

Got home, showers, then worked on a diorama for one kid’s class. This kid has some learning disabilities so i has read the book with him over two weeks. I helped him on his project, made (a quick) dinner and took dog out. No help from wh

He comes in kitchen that is full of art supplies and dried clay on the floor. Complains about the state of the house. Texts me later that night basically saying im a failure at my “job” because the house is a mess. I told him my job was not to clean up after him (he takes off suits and literally leaves them crumpled on the flooor )

He said it is my job as a SAHM. At that point i blocked texts. We sleep in different rooms .

My question- my house is a mess. I love art and let my kids paint all the time. Im ok with couch forts and Lego projects in progress all over the house. All i ask is that they dont eat in their room and true messes be cleaned up (ie, food or clothes on the floor)

Wh and I both grew up in spotless homes. My mom is a type A personality who never goes to bed with dishes in the sink. She works her butt off.

MIL lived in a multi generational home with her grandma, mom, aunt, and family is down the street until about 3 years ago. (Aunt who owned the house died so Mil moved to a small home alone) So there was a ton of help, with many people to act as baby sitters, cooks, cleaners. Plus MIL hates mess and doesnt allow stuff like finger paint

I see why my house is cringy for wh, after growing up with a spotless home. HOWEVER- he doesnt help with the kids or mess. He could have babysat the toddler yesterday but did not. He doesnt get groceries, do dishes, etc. when j grocery shop, i have to take the toddler with me bc he refuses to babysit his own child.

How much do those of you who have had a SAH parent in the home do? Either you are the SAH parent OR you are the working parent

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:15 AM, March 15th (Monday)]

19 comments posted: Monday, March 15th, 2021

Umbilical hernia repair

Im seeing a surgeon at the end of april, but im just curious now.

If i get an umbilical hernia repaired, do they also repair the diastasis recti?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:19 PM, March 12th (Friday)]

6 comments posted: Friday, March 12th, 2021

Wh bad moods w bipolar 1

Wh says that he says mean things in the morning bc he hasnt taken his meds . Today its how im wrong for going to get grocery pick up at a store thats farther away than our closest, usual store.

The one father away could do groceries earlier. I need coffee. Its worth it to me.

Wh gave me a 30 second lecture about how, “wow, $70 grocery pick up and an hour and a half drive and all that wear and tear on the car. Okaaaayyyyyyyy”

(Closest store is a 30 min drive both ways, this is probably 1-1.5 hours both ways. We are in a rural area and i drive 2 hours every day to take my kids to and from school, so this is no biggie)

I said they had availability much earlier and i needed coffee.

He said you could go to the corner store for coffee (instant coffee i dont like)

I mean. Its effing 11 am. Hes just waking up. And picking on me how i get groceries

I dont want to fight. Im done, so i dont care if he “gets it”. I just want to say im sad and cant wait for his meds to kick in today so he isnt a shitty human. He wont even remember being a douche by 1 pm

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:06 AM, February 27th (Saturday)]

15 comments posted: Saturday, February 27th, 2021

Ramblings from an angry, tired mom

I am tired. Wh never helps

My house is a mess. Wh never helps

I am scared to start over. Scared that i cant live without his paycheck (where is that?) or without his help (that he never gives)

I take our son to school every day. I take the cars in for servicing and walk the baby in his stroller throughout the car lot, i dont have WH to pick me up and drive me home! Once I had to get a cab to and from from my daughter’s medical appointment because WH couldnt be bothered to take us home, and I didnt have a car due to a car accident.

Barcher144 said this is like the movie the matrix. Take the red pill and see what life can be, or take the blue pill and go back to life as you know it.

I am fat, depressed, tired. I dont have social interaction like i used to. Family members are sick with cancer. Life has thrown so many lemons.

How do i get out of this hole?! Ive got to start making decisions. Im just stagnant, waiting for life to happen.

Thank you for listening.

8 comments posted: Sunday, February 14th, 2021

Losing weight in one area

I had a baby a little over a year ago. I think I have pretty significant diastases recti. But I’m also at least 30 pounds overweight. I’m 5 feet tall and weigh 170. I look good at 140, and that is an easily sustainable wait for me. I look amazing at 135, but that’s a little harder to keep up. I need to do regular exercising to stay at that weight.

The 30 pounds I need to lose is all in my stomach. I’m not really sure why it’s all there, because I’m usually a pear-shaped body type. But after this last baby the fat in my stomach hasn’t gone away and I look pregnant still.

Any tips on how I can lose this weight? I just started doing sit ups and planks and a few other exercises to Target my belly.

The worst part of all this? I found my six week check up papers from lash year. I am 10 pounds heavier now than I was then! By six weeks postpartum I had actually lost 20 pounds! I’m not sure if it’s Covid weight or what but I’ve gained 10 pounds in the last year. It is possibly because I started taking Prozac about six months ago. I think I have gained a little bit of weight after starting that.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:54 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

8 comments posted: Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Little thing that made me feel good!

Wh takes care of anything computer related.

I bought something online in September , it never was delivered.

I couldnt figure out the return system for this since it was never delivered. Thetr was no customer service number that i could see easily (i had to dig in their website to look for it) I would try and then my toddler would need me and long story short i gave up every time id go online and try to read the rules and how to request a refund.

Today i asked wh for the 100th time to do it. He got shitty. I sat baby in my lap and took away the mouse and keyboard about 100 times and talked to the customer service rep with baby grabbing at tge phone, but I got my money refunded.

Feels great that i didnt need wh to do it for me and i got it checked off my to do list.

Its a small thing that made me feel great!!!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:58 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

2 comments posted: Monday, February 1st, 2021

Sex after divorce

I have only been with WH. We were college sweethearts. He had only been with me for sex until 2009 when he started his first affair. (had oral sex with other women in highschool/ first years of college before we met)

For years he has made fun of my body. I am 5 ft tall abd had a 10 lb baby; baby 1 was also very overdue. Therefore- huge belly, lots of stretch marks, hanging skin.

8 pregnancies, 3 big babies, over 40 years old...

I feel like i am not going to be desirable for anyone.

I can lose the baby weight, do exercises to close my diastasis recti (i currently look 5 mos pregnant bc my belly is huge) and look nice with clothes on... but i feel like once i have a new relationship, i dont want anyone to see my disgusting stomach.

I trusted my husband, father if my kids, and he has said i need surgery, im disgusting, i need 2 pews for my fat ass at church..

What would someone else say?

I hust want someone smart that i can talk to. Someone who thinks im great and will do things for me that make me happy. Id donthings to make him happy, too. Build each other up. Wh purposely does things to upset me.

I just feel like all men are like my wh. Selfish, abusive, skirt chasers. I have no relationship other than wh so i dont know that good men exist.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:14 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]

10 comments posted: Saturday, January 16th, 2021

Stupid vent- neighbors

Ugh. My neighbors suck. This isnt a big deal, and they have done some biggies... so i feel sort of stupid being pissed off but I think its because they ssuck. If it were any other neighbors i wouldnt have thought twice about it.

My dog is a 10 lb tiny dog. He was on our deck yesterday (weve been away for 2 months and so jackass neighbor hasnt had anything like us walking in our yard to complain about) and barked at a noise. Jackass Neighbor was unloading his groceries and after my dog barked at the noise, jackass neighbor proceeded to whistle while unloading groceries. Hes not a whistler, he wasnt whistling a tune, it was to rile my dog up.

Is it a big deal? Not really. However, given their history, i will say People who taunt animals worry me.

13 comments posted: Friday, January 8th, 2021

Call to mil at christmas

Wh and i spent both thanksgiving and Christmas separately. I took the kids and have been with family out of town since end of november .

Wh and i were getting along well over calls and texts. He has to work with ow 2 and was telling me gossip about that (she is not doing well professionally or personally and i admit it msde me happy to hear this gossip)

I was also working with my therapist and saying why do i care, its like its a soap opera, i just need to disentangle myself from wh’s mess.

So. Wh and i are friendly, im away from him and having a nice long visit with family, kids are running and playing in huge yard, etc.

Then wh texts he is upset our 15 yr old has blocked his texts for a month. I tell him she has good boundaries and he picks fights with her and she doesnt want that drama.

Wh flys off fhe handle and locks my phone (he has it set up where he can do that). He says im horrible and cruel, that im not a mother but treat our 15 yr old like a friend , and he will ounli k my phone after Christmas , maybe after new years.

Oh well. That’s wh. I was happy to be free from a phone for a few days because seriously, i hate my phone addiction and it was sort of nice.

On Christmas he unlocks it. Tells me he never locked it? That it was my password... i dont know. Gaslighting i guess.

So after he unlocks it, he starts texting about having the lids call his mom bc its Christmas

My dd has already texted her grandma merry christmas from all of the kids. Mil texts her back, etc.

I told wh its not the kids responsibility to call adult relatives. If they want to call the kids, ok. But dont put that responsibility of reaching out on the kids.

Mil is also an asshole who was friends with ow 1, gossiped about me to ow1, invited ow1 to her home and on vacation.... told wh to be nice to ow 1 after he left her because she was “great with the kids” (nope... my dd 15 is in therapy bc ow 1 started scaring her, telling her that she could live with her forever, and shes having flashbacks now. Dd also saw ow 1 and wh passed out from drugs, ya know, because judges think both parent should get visitation)

Was i wrong to say i was not going to have the kids call MIL? She knows dd’s phone number.

My wh texted me and emailed me that i was evil, a c u next Tuesday, was fat, have a beer belly (i have diastasis recti pretty bad from 3 large babies and its a real sticky point with me)... he said im not a good Christian and dont know the meaning of Christmas because i wouldnt have the kids call mil, and that dead relatives of mine were weaping in heavenbecause of how mean i am.

Should i have had the kids call ‘mil? If he had asked nicely, i might have. But he demanded it, then got nasty. Plus the fact shes not nice, and she should be calling them... i just didnt do it.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:49 AM, December 26th (Saturday)]

23 comments posted: Saturday, December 26th, 2020

College question

My kid is in 11th grade. She just took the PSAT and has good grades, and shes now getting emails from colleges about attending and telling her about merit scholarships she can apply for.

Is this how it is these days? When i was applying to college in the 90s you had to contact them.

19 comments posted: Sunday, December 20th, 2020

Math problem. And sharing a happy day

Hey all!!

Life’s been throwing lemons at me recently but recently had my son’s (severe ADHD and dysgraphia) parent teacher conference.

They all said he was great! Words like, “cool kid”. “Works well with others” “belongs to a great friend group” “at or above class knowledge of topic”

This from 5 teachers and the principal. There were a few constructive criticisms, that he was late on work a few times, but over all SO GOOD.

A few months ago he was in a special class with a dyslexia specialist as his teacher. One day she told him, “Why do you give me grief every day! Why cant you just learn!”

I took him out of those classes that day. He never went back to her class. I would drive my oldest to school, take my son out to a restaurant for the three hours of classes that he missed, homeschool him at Subway or a local cafe or Panera, and then drive him to school so he could get the last classes of the day. All this with a 4-5 month old who i was pumping milk for, in the back of my car

I was a little hesitant to say anything about his ADHD and dysgraphia. All the teachers were very understanding (they didn’t count him down because of handwriting, and most use computers anyway) The last teacher i spoke with noticed my nerves and said, “Dont worry at all. I have ADHD and dyslexia. I got this. Bobby will be absolutely fine”

Guys. I started tearing up. It was SO AMAZING to hear that after his teacher last year was the opposite of understanding.

Ok. On to the math question !!! Math teacher said ask Bobby about Box-W...... problems. I didnt write it down and have forgotten. My kid says he has no idea what im talking about.

Does anyone know a 6th grade / pre-algebra math thing that’s name starts of as “Box W...”

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:25 AM, December 12th (Saturday)]

8 comments posted: Saturday, December 12th, 2020

How do you start over

Im getting it thru my thick skull that there is 0 chance this marriage will ever make me happy. That wh will ever feel true remorse for his EA and the remorse for his PA is more because he realized what he gave up for a gross affair down.

He slept with other women while we were separated (he was living with OW 1 at the time telling me they were engaged) and he has no remorse for that. Just learned about those women this summer. I have very mixed feeling about the 4 women he was with then, as we were separated, and i myself had joined an online dating service towards the end of that year,. So its not as hurtful as the OW1 or OW2, but its still hurtful.... but then again its awesome to know he and ow1 werent happy at all (hes told me this many times but the admission that he cheated on her is more concrete proof)

Ok. Enough about him. How do i find my goals? For years my goal was HAPPY FAMILY. To get that meant keeping wh happy. That is no longer my goal. How do i switch and abandon THAT goal and create a new one just for me?

(And of course, HAPPY KIDS will always be my main goal, but im pretty good with that )

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:20 AM, December 10th (Thursday)]

15 comments posted: Thursday, December 10th, 2020

I miss wh

I miss the nice wh... the person he was about 30% of the time.

I want him to text or email me that he loves me and is sorry

Im at my family’s and have blocked his texts- if he really needs me he can call on the landline. But he has a habit if sending masses of cruel texts at night so ive blocked him.

I just want him to be nice and try to win me back.

But it doesnt seem like he cares.

He emailed me that he cant believe my mom let me come to her house without my “family” (i brought the kids and the dog). He said his mother would never let him come for thanksgiving without his family. It took all my willpower not to respond,”LOL! YOUR mom invited YOUR mistress to her house! So dont act like shes some bastion of morality and family values!”

Hes been radio silent since a flurry of mean emails two days ago.

Im sad. I miss the person i thought i was married to.

But i dont miss the put downs and the “thats stupid” everytime i suggested something or said something.

11 comments posted: Sunday, November 29th, 2020

So hard not to engage

I want to constantly yell at him for effing up every thing.

Hard not to

Gray rock gray rock gray rock

Its the time of year that i found out about BOTH affairs (day thanksgiving)

This is tough

10 comments posted: Monday, November 23rd, 2020

Covid and school- need another parent to weigh in

My kid is in private school. Small school, he loves it. About 100 kids in 6-8th grades

His school has been 5 day a week all year. Masks and social distancing mandatory. Covid testing at the beginning of the year. Its been ok until now. A staff member has tested positive. They havent been on campus all week. So my kid and all the kids are 7 days out from any exposure to this person.

My kid is begging to go to school. He loves it. I am keeping him home because even though he might not have covid now... one of the kids or other staff at the school might have it, not be showing symptoms yet, and give it to him.

Of course, he might have it and not be showing symptoms yet.

Or he might be at asymptomatic

Is my thinking right? Am i overreacting?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:51 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

9 comments posted: Friday, November 13th, 2020

At some point he loved me

We have been together for 22 years. We met at 21 and 19 years old. At some point he loved me. I think?

He transfered from our college without telling me after an intense 4 month love affair. I remember one saturday he was a little mad that id gone out all day with my Friends because he wanted to take me out. (He hadnt told me this). Not angry mad, just more like, what did you do that for.

He transfered back home mid semester, probably because if money or missing his family. But he didnt tell me this. I was devastated, i called him at home , thinkng id get his mom and ask when he left to come back tonscholly

. Thats when he told me he was not coming back. I said so what now, he said its over.

I kept calling and was upset, i said lets get married. He said really? And agreed, sent me roses, we had a long distance relationship for 1.5 years, and he was the one who said lets get married right after college... i had wanted to live together a few years, but he said, no, thats “disrespectful”. I thought how sweet, really old school..

Years later he told me he knew id leave him if we lived together before we got married so he wanted to get married first.

It feels like ive been chasing him for years.

I told him yesterday how hurt his emotional affair hurt me, and he just yelled that it wasnt an affair. I walked away.

There is absolutely no reconciliation with him. Hes done this too much. Im still confused how i feel about his sleeping with other women during our separation and active divorce case in 2010. It feels great that he cheated on ow 1... but why didnt he come to me and say i messed up? He continued to use ow 1 against me. She had access to my kids, to his email where shed email me as him (i knew it was her), hell, he was still taking her with him to his mom’s house, and mil and sils were welcoming her.

I know what happened- i wanted the family so much i overlooked and rug swept. But now my okder kids hate their father (dd calls him “your husband” and dd calls him by his first name). Wh doesnt value us, or the family. He doesnt want to go to the pumpkin patch or have family dinners. Im not really sure what he wants. Its not to grow a family.

When the kids leave the house, we will not have similar interests and do activities together. I like kayaking and Jane Austen books and going to museums. He likes texting women that he adores them at 2 am and sleeping around. And lying in bed all day talking about how depressed he is and how i don’t understand bipolar disorder and how mean i am.

10 comments posted: Friday, November 6th, 2020

Anyone get more depressed tasking antidepressants

I started a week ago, and i felt better for a few days (maybe the placebo effect) and the last few days ive felt so down. I have also wanted to talk to wh, who still lives in my house, about the affair. I asked him today if he knew that his DD wont talk to him, he lost his marriage, and he lost his job all over ow2. I said i just want him to admit that he had an emotional affair. He got angry when i said that and denied it. I asked how hed feel if i texted men what he texted ow2? He said thats different...

I just feel so invalidated. I feel like im screaming and no one can hear me.

I just need him to say he had an affair with ow2. That his actions were wrong and horrible and he left his family for tgis relationship. That it all blew up in his face. I dont need an apology. I need an admission. I want him to know what he lost and why. Its because of him.

20 comments posted: Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020

Really tough time regarding ow2

I never had met ow 1 before the affair.

Ow 2, id known for several years, had been to her parents house (they have a pool and id been to pool parties there)

At some point she and my wh started texting at 2 am

At some point they started sharing marital woes

At some point they shared i love yous (ONLY AS BROTHER AND SISTER! OF COURSE!)

She threw me a baby shower last year. My sister said, “why is this woman inserting herself into your life?”

My friends agreed it was weird.

I found out my wh told her he loved her more than a sibling and asked her about it. She said yes it happened, but she didnt remember what he said because he was just being an asshole and messing with her.

Why would you continue texting that man? Who says he adores you?

Dont you value YOUR marriage, even if you dont care about his?

My belief- why their “friendship” ended, is that her husband found out and flipped out. I dont think she ended the friendship on her own.

I had a dream about her last night, and found out they had a physical affair. I wasn’t surprised. I was hurt, but not surprised.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:47 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

3 comments posted: Monday, November 2nd, 2020

Psychology question about narcissism

I know that there are narcissists. And they like to have “feed“. Which my understanding is just people that make them feel good about themselves and feel like they are the great people that they think they are???

My question is, are there people who like to be that feed?

13 comments posted: Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

Confused. But took steps to get help

I came into this forum around February I’d guess. It was around the time I saw my old divorce attorney.

I’d post and people would give advice on divorce, and at first I thought, “I’m not really getting divorced. Wh will turn around, he won’t want to lose me. “

But he didn’t and I kept posting here. And there was a reason why. Subconsciously I’ve wanted to leave for a while. Probably ATLEAST since November 27 when Dday 2 happened.

I’ve thought long and hard. I do not want to reconcile. I do not want to put in the time and effort. WH never will put in the time and effort. I absolutely love him when he’s on his meds and being the funny smart guy I know. But that’s about 25% of the time now.

The other 75% he gets a “look” in his eye and will call me names, yell at me, tell me how stupid and fat and ugly I am. He will make fun of my mother, who is an amazing woman and has only helped us, if I ever bring up the fact that his mom was friends with OW1 and invited her to her home and told her that I wasn’t worth her getting upset over, and told me AFTER the affair was over that ow was a great woman with a fantastic career (I’m a SAHM)

There is too much hurt that he won’t address. He lost his job because of OW2. Don’t tell me it was an manic episode, you don’t quit and have a huge thing at work because of a “friend”... what happened was the end of an affair .be it an emotional affair, it was an AFFAIR

I called yesterday to get an appointment for anti depressants and to see my therapist. Hoping in the new year we can work on getting me over my fears of leaving (I’m sure being called fat and having him say how EVERYTHING I do is stupid for 20 years hasn’t been good for my self esteem)

Stupid things I’ve done:

Cloth diaper

Breast feed

Going to see friends far away (you’re driving 2 hours to see her? That’s so stupid!)

Grad school (you want a PhD? That’s stupid! You don’t need a piece of paper, you can just by books and read them. Ok.. go to class and have someone else tell you what to think after you read a book)

Homeschooling

Having my kids in sports that require lots of commitment (that the kids want to do)

I don’t think any of these are stupid. These are interests. We just don’t see eye to eye on anything and I want to have a family that focuses on raising great kids. He wants a narcissistic feed.

I told him yesterday that the kids and i are going to see my family for thanksgiving, then I added, and Christmas too. He asked if he could come. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:37 AM, October 24th (Saturday)]

7 comments posted: Saturday, October 24th, 2020

Wh won’t leave

He technically has until October 18 to leave but I know he won’t. I’ll have to go thru my lawyer, then possibly get police involved. I can’t handle that. I’m so tired. The baby is teething and I haven’t had a good nights sleep in 3 weeks.

I just want him to be an adult and freaking move out and leave me alone. But if he were an adult I guess we wouldn’t be in this spot .

I have no help. I am so tired. Wh just spends his days asleep or on his phone, all in his bedroom. Then he’ll go to work during the week, but back to the bedroom when he gets home. Doesn’t wash bottles. Doesn’t feed baby. Doesn’t get up at night. Doesn’t bathe baby. Doesn’t play with baby. Doesn’t take baby for walks. Doesn’t wash baby’s clothes.

38 comments posted: Sunday, October 11th, 2020

Favorite Dostoevsky book

I loved crime and punishment

I hear there is one book that’s *the* best

Can’t remember if it’s Brothers Karamazov or the idiot.

14 comments posted: Wednesday, October 7th, 2020

Why wasn’t I worth encouraging

WH’s 2nd affair was an EA

he worked with that ow

He would encourage her (you’re good at your job, I need your help, what would I do without you)

Why was I not worth that encouragement

I would like a husband who tells me you’re smart, ho back to school, what would I do without you?

22 comments posted: Friday, September 11th, 2020

Minimizing

Up early and thinking about how I could be in this situation AGAIN. Wh cheated in 2009-2010 and I took him back, now he’s cheated again.

It’s minimizing. It’s how I’ve gotten through this whole marriage.

It’s because I minimized the whole thing. Wh is a HORRIBLE person who never puts family first and is always out for himself.

I’m so done. 42 days until he’s out.

5 comments posted: Saturday, September 5th, 2020

Trying to explain my hurt does no good

Talking to Wh today. I tried to tell him why he hurt me. I don’t know why . I know he doesn’t get it.

He yelled and said this is why I was best friends with ow2. She doesn’t throw stuff back into my face.

October 18, he’s moving out!

5 comments posted: Friday, September 4th, 2020

Blinding rage at ow 2

Ow 2 got Wh to have to resign from his job. Wh hasn’t had income coming in for over 2 months and is living on retirement.

This morning I’m so fucking mad at this bitch. Wh had to go into private sector because of her... this COULD mean a ton more money (Atleast a 50% increase in salary, if not 100% increase). if he actually works. But it takes a few months to start making that dough.

He’s trying hard some times but he has mental health issues and some days (yesterday) just stays in bed all day.

This morning I’m so mad at ow 2 because she knew he has bipolar 1 and that he was acting off because he was having an episode. She didn’t tell their supervisor that, just that my Wh was upsetting her. Supervisor yelled at Wh for a half an hour, getting him more jacked up and manic and Wh resigned.

This bitch told my Wh about sexual positions she likes, they traded I love yous (JUST PLATONICALLY

) they were BFF 4 Life.

She is 36 and told another woman in their office that “I want to be you when I grow up” (the other woman is really good at her job). Um. Grow the fuck up bitch.

I hate this idiot so much. I’m so mad at her for not being a friend and telling the supervisor that Wh was having a mental health crisis. Instead she threw him under the bus, and you know what? That effects me because I relied on his paycheck.

I know my anger is misplaced. Wh is the one who invited her into our lives. It’s on HIM. But damnit I want to call hr and tell them the story . This ow2 is actually still taking about my Wh and refuses to do any work with him (now that he’s In the private sector). And when they are in the same building goes out of her way to avoid him to the point where others ask “what’s up with her and you”

Wh just wants to forget what happened, move on, but she’s making that hard . She even told a colleague she thought Wh was following her, which Wh laughed about and said, “I don’t have enough money for FOOD I’m not wasting gas to go follow her from work to home. I already know She doesn’t go anywhere.“. I can attest he’s not following her, it is hard to get his butt out of bed. He’s right here in my house.

So mad. So so so mad. I may call hr on this jerk. Bipolar is an ADA covered disability and she’s “scared” of him because of that.

1 comment posted: Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Stuck

I am stuck. I lived with relatives out of state this summer. It was great. During this time Wh had a breakdown and lost his job and ow 2 refuses to speak to him (lost the job bc of stuff with ow 2 actually)

I came home 1- because the house we live in is owned by my relative (so Wh needs to leave not me) and 2- my kids didn’t want to move. I broached the subject and they did not want to move (oldest is in 11th grade)

Wh is refusing to move out. We went to counseling and I told him that I want to separate and have him leave the house. He said no. The counselor said it’s not forever, it’s separation. Perhaps you two can work on things better if you’re out of the house. Wh said no. He has no place to go.

The relative that owns the house is older. To get him evicted I have to go through a process where they come here and go to court. I don’t want to put the relative through that especially during Covid. They would have to fly here. They have told me they would do it if I asked but I don’t want to ask.

The therapist talked to us about divorce. I told Wh it would not be like last time (we were actively divorcing for about a year, had custody and visitation, 3 court dates, etc). It was very nasty last time. I had a PI and everything.

I told him we’d separate and after a year get the divorce granted and it would be quiet and we’d move on. He told me and the therapist no. I’m going to make it nasty. Therapist told him “that’s stupid, why would you spend that time and money making it a difficult divirce”. (He got mad and said she wasn’t impartial)

I am also realizing how wrapped up my life has been with Wh. We spent so much time with his family who don’t like me. On his career, that frankly is floundering now, and on walking on egg shells so he didn’t go manic.

The world is my oyster now. How do I proceede? How do I make goals for myself? I think the divorce can go off in (less than) a year and we’d just say we had in house separation. Wh has signed papers that give me sole custody of the kids and separate our assets (basically, what’s mine is mine and I don’t have to pay his student loans)

The paperwork is DONE. All we have to do is wait out the year out state requires.

I know that being near him is clouding judgement. I was resolute when I was 500 miles from him. He needs to get out of my house.

15 comments posted: Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Bugs me

It bugs me that Wh had these infatuations with other women. Why?

Any one have an idea about what makes these guys throw it all away? Or neglect the great family at home to obsess about Suzy Q at work?

17 comments posted: Sunday, August 16th, 2020

Great day, then Wh starts texting me...

I am a phone addict. So today I said I’m going to try not to be in the phone. I wasn’t much, just to take pictures. One kid and I hiked 7 miles. All kids and I played outside for several hours. I made my kids and the family members we are staying with this summer tacos for lunch and spaghetti for dinner with strawberry shortcake for desert.

It was one of those full days where you go to bed sore and happy and tired.

Wh starts texting me that I was supposed to help him with this and that, that I’m lazy, my ideas are dumb, and he won’t do anything until I come home. Meaning- he’s staying in bed til I come hime. He wants me to come home MONDAY .

Um, no.

I put him on mute. I want to tell him sooo many things, but I just don’t care. I don’t want to go home to him. I don’t want to see him. I’m not lonely for him.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, July 29th, 2020

I was already alone!!

I’m so sorry for posting a ton but being away from stbx this summer has made me realize so much

I have been terrified of being alone. So scared.

I made a list of times wh refused to help me do things and I had to do stuff on my own.

Example- I went home for a week this summer bc ds 1 had an orthodontist appointment. Wh had no food in the house When we got home (after. 9 hour drive) . I asked him to go to the store because I didn’t want to have to take 8 month old ds 2 out in corona virus ... it would just be easier for Wh to go alone that me to get baby ready and cart him around the store.

Wh said, “no. Since you’re divorcing me, I don’t want to give you any help. You’ll need to learn how to do this stuff on your own because I won’t be there”

I made beans and rice for dinner and got grocery pickup the next morning.

I’m on page THREE of years and incidences where he flaked on me and the kids.

He missed our kid’s competition because he “needed rest”

He couldn’t go to this family event Because he MIGHT have something at work (he didn’t)

He thought going away with my friends for my 30th bday was stupid and I was being selfish (We did go but he yelled at me for days before)

I have wasted SO MUCH TIME on this person who is not worthy of my time!!!!

I am not sad like I was at the prospect of divorce... I feel so free and excited about what I will do with All. This. Time. that I’ve been putting into Stan Zbornack.

14 comments posted: Monday, July 27th, 2020

Stbx nicer to his ows

Now that I’ve really grasped the marriage is over, I’m looking back. I’m angry that stbx never supported me like he supported his ow s

Examples- he told me breastfeeding was stupid and why did I try so hard when I’m too old to make enough (I’ve been pumping for 9 months and he has snide comments still)

2- When I homeschooled the kids it was always they won’t have friends! They’ll be weird!

3- when I told him I wanted a third baby it was because I was too lazy to get a job

4- I want to go back to school and get a PhD. That’s stupid. How are you going to do that with the kids?

For his ows he was so supportive. Sent them little love messages over text and email (I adore you, you are so Special to me, I love you, I can’t wait to grow old with you and have the grandkids come over ... MY grandkids. Over at OW’s House... in about 30 years )

Why could he never be nice to ME. I was loving and loyal for 20 years. Ow 1 was a slut and the office whore. Ow 2 is mousy and Whiney and when he flipped out on her for going to a covid hotspot she went to HR and said he was upsetting her and he ended up leaving his job because if her.

I’ve always been there. Loyal. Supportive. Loving. The two ow’s literally ruined his career. (After ow 1 he rebuilt a career in a new town. Now he shit that away)

And he treats me like dirt. Why? I guess it’s something inside him. That’s sad. He’s lost me and his kids (my DD hates him and won’t call him Dad- she calls him “your husband”)

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:41 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

5 comments posted: Sunday, July 26th, 2020

My new beginning

I’ve been living away from stbx for 2 months.

Each day I realize more and more that I will not be lonely without Wh. I do not miss him. I do not miss the chaos of our relationship. Life feels calmer .

I want to go back to school to get a PhD. I want to go abroad to do 3 separate things pertaining to my degree. I don’t know how that will work with kids but I want to find out.

Wh was always supportive of the last OW (an EA). He was not of me.

I can do things. I’m smart! (Not dumb like everyone says! Sorry Godfather 2 joke)

But seriously. The whole world looks brighter. And calmer.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:42 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

11 comments posted: Sunday, July 26th, 2020

Find ow’s father

I won’t get into why I need to find him, just that a crime was committed by him and I need to report it to police

I know ow’s name, and her moms name ( mom died and was divorced from dad) I know siblings names. Just don’t know dad’s first name.

I’ve looked on ancestry and can’t find it, any other tips?

7 comments posted: Monday, May 18th, 2020

Intimacy question

Not quite ready for my new beginning yet... but have a question that’s on my mind.

I’ve only been with STBX.

What’s it like to be with another person- are you constantly comparing them? What if they aren’t as technically good as your Ex? Is it still good because you have feelings for them? I noticed when my STBX and I were intimate at the end of our relationship, it wasn’t as good- technically, yes, just as good, but there were no feelings or love there, so no emotions made sex not great.

Having a new relationship is a big thought these days, but being intimate with someone other than STBX is terrifying!

13 comments posted: Wednesday, May 13th, 2020

How do I check iPhone messages

Wh is very protective of his phone. I’d like to have his messages sent to me. Is this possible?

1 comment posted: Thursday, December 5th, 2019

History of China

My middle schooler really wants to study the history of China. I have no idea where to start- can anyone recommend books that would be good to start a study of China-- Ancient China and the Shang Dynasty in particular.

Thanks!

Darn- just realized this goes in Book Discussion! Sorry.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 11:29 AM, February 17th (Friday)]

4 comments posted: Friday, February 17th, 2017

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