Long term recovery, a rant, and some relief
I haven't shared in a while, but I need to vent about recent events.
The affair occurred well over a decade ago. I made a lot of mistakes back then with the 'pick-me' dance. I believed the gaslighting, and accepted the rugsweeping and trickle truth. Some major rugsweeping prevented me from asking anything for 3 years (hence my username). By that time, I reached a point where I just accept that this is my life, and it seems silly to hold my partner accountable now for the mistakes of 3+ years ago.
But every few months, or every few years, I wonder what she didn't tell me; why was it so important to keep stuff hidden that long. It eats at you and doesn't go away.
This has been my summer. I had questions about what occurred; fWW thought I need to forget about it, it was the past and I need to move forward. I had reached a point where I realized I DO deserve to know. I kept asking all summer; she resisted all summer. I asked nicely, I demanded, I provided detailed questions so she could be comfortable responding, and I provided tons of reasons why these were important to me. I filled in the narrative myself since she wasn't answering, and received zero validation. I have not, since DDay, received any documentation of what happened. fWW just was not going to tell me. We discussed it with MC, who also challenged me on why I needed to know..."you got the girl, move forward." (W.T.F.?) For years, I had been given tid-bits of information, and had to accept it. More recently, fWW is claiming she doesn't even remember. Yet I know there is stuff she is not telling me; and knowing she is keeping secrets means she is still protecting the relationship.
I'm a pretty balanced, low-key guy. I like MC, and I usually feel good after a session. I was again challenged as to why I need to know more, what it will get me. I pointed out that, as important as this is for me to know, it is more important for her to hide it. But after months of trying and failing to get answers, and being told by both MC and fWW that more detailed information will not help me...I had a meltdown. I know I deserve the information, and was appalled that they both think I have enough.
Well, on the way home, I asked some questions of WW, and got some useful answers.
Later in the day, I tried to ask more questions, but was met with resistance. I had a major meltdown/blowup and left.
Later in the evening, I tried again, was again met with initial resistance, then she finally agreed to give some answers.
And lo-and-behold, the answers were useful. They made me feel better about myself, WW and the nature of her relationship with AP. The way WW answered questions, she sounded honest rather than looking for what she thought I wanted to hear. WW sounded like she had regrets beyond getting caught. Honestly, the relationship sounded boring, made me feel like I'm glad I'm not that guy. Weirdly, if that is what fWW wants, have at it (and I could see how maybe sometimes she does want that.)
There is plenty more that I learned. I feel a bit vindicated. MC and WW thought they knew better than I did what is good for me...they didn't. I shared some of this via a note to MC, in part to have actual documentation, and in part to point out why this information was useful to me. I suspect MC didn't realize how many gaps there were in my knowledge. I hope WW and MC understand that I didn't even know what I didn't know, so there was no way to justify needing to know it.
What am I going to do with this new information? The good news is it made me feel good about myself; I am still livid that it takes sooooo much effort to get it. If and when there is another MC session, I WILL make sure they know I was right and they were wrong. Petty? Maybe, but IDGAF.
8 comments posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2022
Hope after 14 years. Finally unstuck?
I haven't initiated a post in a while. I'm not even sure what I want to accomplish, other then vent.
D-Day was in 2007. There was some Industrial-Grade Rug Sweeping that occurred. WW and AP had fights; I had to push the affair aside to keep WW out of jail...meanwhile the affair continued. Events were also hidden from me "for my own protection."
In 2008, the affair ended. While I was certain nothing would happen again, underlying issues were never addressed. I continued to feel blamed for the A.
I stayed for the family, and bottled up most of my issues. Our relationship became bearable. Every few years I would try to address the affair, maybe get a few tidbits after fighting for it.
Around 2018, we started couples therapy, something I also had to fight for; and much of it for issues that did not directly involve the A. Even in therapy, the affair was often avoided. We would do a lot of work on me, my communication difficulties, my problems. The therapist even cautioned me about getting too much information about the affair.
Breakthrough
A few weeks ago, I was discussing how anxious I was, how little control I had over things (not A related). I ended up making some good arguments about how much the affair impacted me, but I still don't even know what occurred.
The therapist agreed this time, telling fWW I am not going to move past this while things stay hidden.
We had multiple sessions over a few days. I think it was the first time I really got to state my side of the story. I think WW had not really realized just how much was a mystery to me, and how much effort I put into saving her and the marriage with no reward. I suspect our therapist, after fully hearing my side of the story, was also surprised at how much was unjustly hidden from me.
We started with the events of Dday, all the legal stuff that I saved WW from even though I didn't know what was happening.
Something I learned about WW (with help from therapist): The AP manipulated and weaponized Words of Affirmation. Words of Affirmation now mean less than nothing for WW; she doesn't trust them and she refuses to use them...so I don't get affirmations.
WW confessed how ashamed she was for being the naive one (something she accused me of). She also confessed how ashamed she was for falling for lunacy, whereas I know who to avoid and am strong enough to do so. WW apologized for not crediting me for my efforts. These are all new things.
In the days after, I had some honest conversations with fWW. fWW was more transparent than in the past; she still pushed back on answering some of the sex questions, but she provided far more than before.
She did complain that I am never going to get past this. I pointed out that she has been the one who controlled all the information, and was setting the terms for my healing.
At this point, I don't know that there are any other questions I need answered...and that is progress. The hiding seems to be over.
I was a little disheartened by the answers to the sex questions...but I think I can deal with it because now I actually know what I am dealing with. fWW treated me like an adult, allowed me to make my own judgements, and is in less control over my healing.
I do feel bit emasculated, but thanks to this site, and recommendations of No More Mr Nice Guy, I can take charge of my healing.
For years, I have felt like sex was done as a marital favor to me. I flipped that last week. I gave her some requirements in order to have sex with me...and she complied. I still have plenty of work to do to on my self confidence but this was a good start.
While I am pleased that progress has been made, I do resent that it took 14 f'n years to get to this point.
I am not happy, but at this point I don't see myself as stuck either.
Edit: I did not require her to have sex with me. I demanded some requirements be met if she wanted to have sex with me.
[This message edited by 3yrwait at 1:12 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]
33 comments posted: Wednesday, July 21st, 2021
