Me: BS H: WS4 kidsDD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."
I feel like porn killed our marriage
I feel like I’ve processed the affair and can truly see H for what he is. It’s just taken me a long time😞
I feel that the root of the problem is porn. I understand that as a teenager he looked at magazines. That was a typical teen thing to do, right? The thing is that after we were married porn continued to play as big of a part in his life. I just didn’t realize it.
So while I was busy making a home for us, having a family and keeping everything comfortable, H had his porn which I feel desensitized him so he didn’t feel remorse for charging AP for years. Them his porn came to life when she finally had sex with him.
That desensitization allowed him to carry on an A and compartmentalize, putting A in one box and married life in another. Fast forward to discovery and me trying to stay for the kids and feeling ashamed for people knowing he had A, plus the fears of going it alone. Now here we are 13 years later and I basically feel dead inside. He’s killed the romantic love I felt for him with his need for porn. We don’t make love, for me it’s just a sex. He literally does not see that him having to view porn daily and thinking he’s hiding it has been a death blow to the gift of R.
So here I am trying to decide if I want to D. Do I live the rest of my life without love and just caring for him because we’ve been together for so long? Do I make a life alone? I’m 53 now. It’s more of just a comfortable coexistence for me. Financially we’re secure, even with the looming recession. I wouldn’t have that security alone.
The chances of me healing from this and starting a new life with someone at this point in my life are slim. It makes me so sad that I can finally clearly see now what has been in front of my face the whole time. H took the pure and innocent love I gave as a young girl and abused it. In one way or another, either with A or porn, he has never been faithful to me during our whole M. That’s a devastating realization. I wish I could go back in time and tell the young me to run as fast as I could and never look back.
12 comments posted: Sunday, June 26th, 2022
So now ED has reared its head
I honestly am not even sure where to start. I just know I need to vent somewhere where somebody can possibly understand. H is suffering from ED. He’s been tested and testosterone is very low. He started getting biweekly shots. I’m not sure how long before we see the effects of the shots. This week was the second shot. We decided to "try". It was a failure, in the midst of the act the erection was lost.I know there’s a medical issue but it’s so hard not to feel like it’s me that’s not attractive enough. It’s also hard to still feel any kind of desirable. We talked about what was happening, that things are better, just not good yet. I miss sex. I miss the act, I miss the closeness, I miss the feelings. I know people will say you can do other things. For me it is not the same. I’m just feeling so low today, it’s been on my mind all day. I’m not ready to give up sex but what if the shots don’t work? It literally seems like our life has been one thing after another and I look back and can’t seem to find the happy times, just the regrets 
11 comments posted: Friday, February 4th, 2022
Autism mom
I don’t have anywhere else to post this but here. My twin 24 yr old sons have moderate autism. One is very OCD and the other has a lot of anxiety which causes him to rip things up. The second one is in a group AFC home and the other is going to be moving into a supervised apartment when this school year is finished.
I AM SO TIRED. 😫 We also have two daughters who are 28 & 30. I have parented hard for 30 years. I want a life. It’s not that I don’t live our boys I’m just so tired and emotionally spent because of them. I’m 52 & my husband is 55. When do we get to enjoy life? When do we get to have our time?
I feel so selfish for saying this😭
3 comments posted: Sunday, October 10th, 2021
