Aren't we all a work in progress?

Why is the pain of infidelity so much worse than anything else?

Why is the pain of infidelity so different from any other experience for the BS?

I usually come back to LS when there's a trigger - something that throws you into some element of that emotional torture chamber brought on by the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. The trigger for me this time happened while I was going back through photos for a video memorial for my dog who died two days ago. I started realizing that my ability to remember what pictures might be found on certain dates revolved around D-day and related events. Then, I came across a label for a group of pictures that I'd put on a group of pictures taken about a month after D-day. And there it was, making me groan with deep pain that I can feel on my skin, in my gut, my whole body really. And I knew that pain. It was in the forefront and background of every moment for the next year following D-day and to some extent for the next five years - deep, agonizing pain that brings you to your knees and stops thought. I didn't fall to my knees or need to lie down this time as I always did back then, but it was amazingly debilitating for a while and made me realize that this injury is like no other in life. No death or loss comes close.

So my real question is why? Why is this pain so much worse than any other? It is physically and mentally disabling. It is insupportable, and no one understands it but those who have been surprised by infidelity. WSs sometimes say it's retribution. Affair partners make fun of it. And many expect you to "move on," "get over it," and forgive. Saying any of those three tells me the person has never been cheated on. But I get that now. I totally get why they don't understand. I don't think I would either had it not happened to me. I don't really care any more and don't think they can get it.

But I want to understand better. Why is it like PTSD? I understand it reminds me that my spouse (in this order) flagrantly lied to you over time that he felt and expressed loyalty and affection to someone else instead. But is that all there is to it? It's just a destroyed ego? I totally get that I'm extra vulnerable because of the loss of my beloved pet of ten years, that I'm already opened up emotionally and so that trigger can go deeper, more quickly. Why is it so extreme?

I guess I should add that we have worked through a lot and come a long way. That's why I put this in Reconciliation and not Just Found Out. We've realized the reasons they were vulnerable at that time. He and I have worked on developing a better, more fulfilling relationship than the one we had before the affair. I don't need to understand all that. I want to understand why the hell betrayal is so awful in the first place. It seems to be universally the most horrific, devastating experience in life. I'm not unique. I was on another forum for years and read the same experience, different details, over and over.

17 comments posted: Friday, December 17th, 2021