Am I being unreasonable
Ok, I read frequently on here, but rarely post anymore. My fWW and I have managed to cobble together a much better existence that what I would have imagined after surviving her infidelity.
I'm over 10 years out from original infidelity. Brief summary is that my fWW went on a work trip to California, met up with an ex boyfriend, violated dozens of boundaries, ended up having sex with him 1 time. This was exactly 11 years ago this month, she disclosed the infidelity in July of that same year. I can discuss the details of the situation should they become pertinent to my current dilemma.
She's done the work as much as anyone has. She spent years and years working hard in therapy to work through all the abuse and trauma of her childhood. Theoretically she also claims that she is much stronger, has very clear boundaries now and has as close to zero chance of ever doing something like this ever again. I say theoretical simply because hard boundaries were also put in place by her and I to reduce if not eliminate any opportunities for those boundaries to really be tested.
Which leads me to the current situation. She's really turned herself around and has grown in so many ways. She used this horror to rebuild herself. Literally a springboard for improving herself so much so that she has become fairly successful professionally and has launched herself into a very well regarded, sought after employee. I myself have struggled with just keeping my head above water at times. I had a solid business going up until the Covid pandemic response locked everyone down and I lost over 1/2 of my income. So while my wife's career is getting stronger, mine has stalled for about 3 years.
About 15 months ago, she was tapped to take over the chief of staff duties for a very well connected and powerful Executive. Because she is so competent, she was handed a lot of additional responsibility and probably will continue to climb the ladder to higher jobs. Unfortunately, a large portion of her new job includes running these national events that now require her to travel a great deal. And almost all of it on weekends. 19 out of 52 weekends she is on the road. And it's pretty glamorous too. 5 star hotels, private planes, expensive meals, rubbing elbows with celebrities and sports stars, etc. She loves it...
When she originally took the job for this Exec, she was told it would require no travel. I also made it clear that travel, especially for business alone would not be OK. And now all of that has changed and she's traveling a lot. To make matters worse, all of our kids are out of the house and it's just the 2 of us. Time for us to travel, do things together, be just the 2 of us. And instead, I find myself at home on weekends with little to do while she's out having an awesome time. And it's pretty upsetting. Just the travel along causes me to be anxious the entire time she's gone. If you add in the fact that I'm also just stuck at home on my own and as you can imagine it's causing me a lot pain. It's also causing a lot of conflict now between us. I'm upset, which causes me to feel needy and she's upset because this job is so awesome for her.
I have gone with her several times, but it's not conceivable that I make every trip. I'm just tagging along while she works and attends these events where she has to be "on" and so I end up feeling left out. The 3rd wheel so to speak. When she does go on her own,she does keeps me posted of her every move, calls, texts and facetime's me, makes it a point to not travel alone in a car when it's just her and a man. Basically, she's doing everything right but it's just not enough. If I travel with her, we also incur my flight and food costs. And she's not making any MORE money to do this extra part of her job than she was for the original job.
What am I to do?
I feel like this is not something we ever imagined for our lives. Even without the added infidelity baggage it doesn't fit in to what I thought were our goals, dreams and lives. But she loves it and I am sure that she would do this for as long as she could if it were up to just her. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm getting hosed here. I'm worried that if I demand her to find a way out of this she'll be resentful of me OR worse might even chose this over me? I don't think she would, but at the very least it's going to make her angry for fighting her on it. But, I also can't just sit there all weekend trying to find things to fill the void, missing out on trips WE could be making together, and just being a miserable mess worrying about her.
18 comments posted: Tuesday, March 28th, 2023