Newest Member: Definedbygrace

Zugzwang

"Nothing in this world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty." Teddy Roosevelt D-day 9-4-12 Me;WS

cake eating cheaters

I just realized this in response to several cake eating cheaters...it seems we have had a number of male cake eaters that have dug deep know their whys...shared them....know how and why they are fucked up...yet stop there. I am not going to name any of them. All of them have had their wives leave them. You have to follow this insight up with real change. ACTIONS. The only thing I can say is that you don't want this for yourself. I would also say they don't love their BS enough to even want the real change. I would bet the BS is still a feeder of object love. I still believe you have to be at that point that you are so disgusted with yourself that you can't stand sitting in the same room with yourself in your own skin. Some seem to get there, but for some reason just stop. Say, they will change. Yet keep coming back saying how they are still trying. Where do you stop. Why aren't you getting over the hill? What is stopping you from committing to real change? The only thing I can really think of that got me over is that I wanted so desperately to love myself. It is frustrating to see the few we have had or still do and know that life can be so fulfilling if they just start actually doing the change. Yet not knowing where the hang up is. I guess I am just posting this to say...I am still rooting for you. Push through it and commit. Even if your BS has left. You can still have a future.

20 comments posted: Friday, May 22nd, 2020

mod request

nevermind. figured it out. A question about news articles. Thanks though.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 12:10 AM, May 9th (Saturday)]

0 comment posted: Friday, May 8th, 2020

The whys, a whole different reason

So, for me...my whys really are rooted in a lack of self love for my affairs. Low self confidence and low self esteem. Attention seeking to fill that black hole. For most it always seemed the same.

Recently I have seen another why. Boredom. I really don't think this stems from a lack of what I was a lacking. I don't know because I didn't suffer from this. I had seen it before but nothing to really say...heh...that makes sense. I know it is touched upon in the books about using the marriage and partner a scapegoat by blaming them. When the real truth is...a person gets to that point that they don't know themselves because they never fostered their own identity. That to me isn't really the same of what many others suffer from. I guess in some form it might... maybe more a lack of self care by being a selfless person. Focusing on others, family, and such and not filling their own bucket. Not the same as selfish driven selflessness, yet true selflessness that leaves them void. In turn they are suddenly bored without the other diversions in life and don't realize that the real issue is they don't know themselves and are lacking their own identity. I guess it is not really just boredom pushing it but confusion as well. Just suddenly maybe being lost? Blameshifting to the nearest thing for being unhappy when it is more about being unhappy with oneself. Anyone identify with this? Hiking out? When I think of this avenue I think more about you and what you have described.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, May 6th, 2020

trust and reconciliation

Just thought this might give some insight to new WS.

1. A stranger on the street is more of a friend than you are. Remember that. They haven't hurt them. They haven't proven they would choose to hurt them in order to get a leg up and feel better about themselves. A stranger is safer than their own spouse.

2. You don't trust yourself. Why in the Hell would they trust you or feel safe? You want them to open up to you. There is no reason why they would. It requires them to be vulnerable with someone that has prove to hurt them by choice and that doesn't even trust or love themselves. It makes no absolute sense for them to trust you. So, stop expecting it and do your best with work on yourself to earn it. It will take a long long time. Never if you never work on you and your whys. Never if you never learn to be enough for yourself.

3. You aren't picking up where you chose to leave off in the marriage. It is gone. It is actually worse than gone. There is now poison where you want to rebuild. The foundation doesn't even exist for them.

So many new WS just don't see that. For good reason. They are too self absorbed in regret. It is nice though to remind yourself of this and hopefully with some work you will begin to move from how this is inconvenient for you to how you really did hurt other people intentionally to feel good about yourself and become more remorseful.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, April 28th, 2020

The plain of lethal flatness.

Just had some introspection lately.

How many of you that "got it" "owned it" needed that Plain of Lethal Flatness your BS went through to stop doing damage control and look inward? I know I did. Don't get me wrong. I still did the stuff any normal husband should have been doing to begin with and beyond. Yet, it was a sudden death that made me focus inward more because there was really nothing left for me to do but that. It changed everything and I have to wonder if that is just a natural progression for WS that choose change.

5 comments posted: Friday, April 17th, 2020

This virus may bring a huge influx of infidelity

I was just thinking as we got another new wayward here today...if your area is anything like ours, many people aren't working and many places are mandatory closed. This virus is going to bring to light many affairs as waywards can't see their APs so easily and spouses will be spending more time together.

17 comments posted: Thursday, March 19th, 2020

Cleaning out the who we were

I was posting on another thread and thought this would be a good topic.

Many times I have said that we jump back into our marriage (particularly us cake eaters) like we can pick up where we left off. That obviously doesn't work and for good reason. Though most new WS don't realize they are doing this. Just a chance for new waywards to take a breather and a step back and focus on the reality of it all.

The thing with us is that we think we can pick up where we left off. We know who and what we were. We know what happened and how it all went down. We want to focus on fixing it right away if we want to keep our BS. Not happening. New WS need to remember that at this time you are a proven enemy of the BS. A stranger on the street is better than you at this point. Safer than you. Take that in. A stranger has done less harm. You are picking up without a foundation and sinking in quicksand. Not where you chose to leave off in the marriage.

The BS however, are still in shock and need us to clean out who we became. Not just focus on who we can become. You have to reconcile what happened. You need to validate their experience and become vulnerable to move forward. I know it is a lot to do at one time. Juggling what comes first. This is it. Changing you and cleaning out the wound. Focusing on the marriage and trying to "win" your BS and healing them are not the first steps.

Of course this step is for those that have reached a more remorseful stage and are less regretful.

You will NEVER get the old marriage back. You really shouldn't anyhow. You were toxic in that marriage. You can possibly earn a new one.

14 comments posted: Tuesday, March 17th, 2020

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