Last DDay-2012 (several month EA/PA)
Married 20+ years
I'm posting because I know I need help and think that it will give me an ounce of relief to not have all of this to myself. And that the relief will give me a bit of a window to take some needed steps. I'm also hopeful that others will have insights on what worked for them and that some of those paths might be helpful for me as well.
In short, I'm a stressed, depressed, lonely mess and that all has deep roots in self-image and, as a key part of that, codependency.
The depression is what is most noticeable -- my brain is foggy and I'm exhausted during the day leading me to struggle to function well with work. The thoughts of ending it all are an unwelcome guest as well (I had those after the last Dday and they run back into parts of my childhood). Work has been piling on stress for a while -- I exited my last job after having to constantly deal with a narcissist only to escape a handful of months ago to another job where the transition brings "normal" stress of changing jobs, but that is compounded by working for a micromanager. That leads to struggling to sleep well as my mind races and/or I have nightmares. While R has progressed and things are going better, it has been a slow road. My ex serial cheater/WW has made a TON of progress, but when I need empathy and understanding the most, that is the area, while better, that still isn't very attuned and the conversations can end up being more frustrating for me than helpful. All of this is reinforcing a sense of loneliness and my self-image is spiraling downward as well.
What I've tried in the past...
1. Meds. I've learned that I tend to consistently get the side effects of pretty much any medication and, often, those can be worse than the cure. I stuck with some anti-depressants (ADs) for 6 months a while after the last Dday which was enough to get me through the worst of it. (It took several tries to get the right med and the right dose before sticking with that med)
2. Counseling. So far, many ICs haven't been that helpful. Including the one that would fall asleep on me (really helpful for my self-image, you know?). EMDR was really good for me though. My WW has had a couple ICs that have been great for her, so my opinion is that good ICs are out there, but are hard to find. I'm currently not seeing one.
What I'm starting to try now...
1. Calling my doctor. I'm willing to go on meds to just get through things for a bit.
2. Adjusting my diet -- reading up on how some are more susceptible to brain/mood issues if diet isn't right.
3. Getting outside. Covid has me inside all the time -- a bit of exercise, even just walking, along with some sunshine can't hurt.
Thanks for reading. Just writing it out already makes me feel a bit better. Any thoughts/insights are more than welcome.
9 comments posted: Monday, February 22nd, 2021