BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters
Maybe it's just me, but it sure feels like there are a bunch of overly fantastic JFO or other posts by people who post a few times and then just disappear. I do understand they may not be ready to hear the advice given or feel they are not getting the support they want and leave, but at least to me, many of these posts have story lines that just don't add up and I find it sad that we as a community spend time on these high drama posts that have some likelihood of being fabricated.
I'm not certain how you vet a post because it seems to actually give them support we have to just taking a leap of faith and take them at their word. Which I do believe is the correct thing to do. Just musing after reading a couple specific posts in JFO.
25 comments posted: Monday, March 14th, 2022
When is enough enough?
For some context. My youngest choose to take a gap year after high school which in our state disqualifies her from receiving child support (not a full time student). I said I would not pay for that year, but would continuing to pay after she was no longer eligible so she would not miss out on any support. Both her and her mother were upset that I would not pay, because how was she going to pay her mother rent for that year? I did cover her medical insurance for that year.
We are now in the period where she no long qualifies for support, but I am still paying it along with providing medical insurance. I received an email from her mother asking me to also pay all her medical deductibles. It’s not that I can’t afford them, but it’s the fact my daughter did not reach out and that her mother, as far as I know, does not support her at all. The email specifically did not request that her mother and I split the deductibles. One of the interesting loop holes in my state is that the custodial parent has no legal obligation or requirement to pay any support and her mother has taken advantage of this. I’ll also add I set up a significant trust when my daughters were younger to support them for school and getting started in life, but because it was not specifically a collage trust it is unfortunately not factored into the child support calculation.
I told both daughters when they got to this point I would continue to pay for their medical insurance, but they were now responsible for all their deductibles. Part of becoming an adult. I have also always chosen the most expensive plans available so they have excellent insurance with minimal deductibles and low individual out of pocket limits. My oldest is already bemoaning next year when she is no longer eligible and has to switch to her own insurance.
I feel like just ignoring my ex, because unless I do exactly as she wants there will be drama. Of course if I do ignore her she will tell my daughter I’m abusive and ignoring her and saying no will also be spun into me not supporting my daughter.
ETA: My normal response to this would be "I am already providing insurance and support so maybe this is something you can take care of for her if you believe it is necessary."
27 comments posted: Saturday, February 26th, 2022
I noticed the other day I'm coming up on my 10th antiversary in a few months. For the last few years I have had no reaction to that time of year and if it was not in my signature I think I would have forgotten the exact date by now. The whole don't feed the beast tactic did eventually work.
I think for those going the reconciliation route the antiversary is probably a great time for the WS to provide extra support and reassurance that taking that path was a good choice.
That then leaves those of use who divorced and the ones who are just stuck. I would imagine for the later this is still painful and triggering. I think a few years ago I would have wanted to reply with something along the lines of "Thank you for the gift you gave me 10 years ago. At the time I did not realize what a wonderful gift it would turn out to be, but over the years the true value has been exposed." And while all this is completely true I don't see how any comment serves a useful purpose. I think for me the beast is dead and no longer stinks. It still has a recognizable form, but in time will just become random particles on the ground indistinguishable from the rest of the detritus of life.
2 comments posted: Monday, February 7th, 2022
I am blessed to live in a home that has a spectacular view and large picture windows to enjoy the view indoors. The one in the kitchen is over the sink so it needs regular cleaning on the inside, but once the inside is clean you tend to notice the spots on the outside so you go out and clean the outside only to notice a few you missed on the inside. After a few cycles of this you are left with the blemishes in the window, damage from prior inappropriate cleaning and anything that your current cleaning regiment can’t take care of. Yesterday while doing this I started thinking how this is a bit like relationships.
We each sit on opposite sides of a window and if we are investing in the relationship we are cleaning our side of the window so it’s easy to see and communicate with the other person. If we don’t tend to the relationship the window tends to become opaque over time. We can damage the window with improper care and it can take significant work or may not even be possible to repair the damage. Certain residue may not respond to our normal cleaning methods so requires special techniques or the help of a professional to deal with. You can also end up with opacity problems when only one side of the windows is being cleaned. You need to be able to determine which side has the problem because incessantly tying to clean a dirty spot is wasted effort if you are cleaning the wrong side of the window and could actually create permanent damage. Often this determination requires you to step back or look at it from a different perspective or even better both sides working cooperatively to clean that part of the window.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, January 26th, 2022
Ex in your contacts list
I have always kept my ex under her real name and no special song, etc. in my contacts, though at times I certainly have been tempted. As I get closer to the point where I will legally never have to interact with her again I'm trying to decide should I just delete/block her number or put it under a special name (e.g. giving a French flair Voldemorte => "She who shall not be named").
Part of the reason for this is she is next to my sister and I have twice almost called her when trying to call my sister. Unlikely to accidentally dial Voldemorte . Thoughts?
28 comments posted: Friday, July 16th, 2021
Dating a WS?
Given the prevalence of cheating it seems that sooner or later we will find a WS sitting across the table from us trying to start a relationship. I think I would be okay if they were remorseful and had done the IC needed to become a safe partner, but their BS just couldn’t live with what they had done or if they came to this place after divorcing. What terrifies me is having someone like my ex sitting across the table who has no problem rewriting their history. The type of person who has no issue with outright lies to get what they want.
The first problem is how do you detect them? As many of us know an unrepentant WS can be very accomplished at deception and lying.
And second how do you get out of the relationship without teaching them how to deceive better in the future?
I appreciate honesty and want to be honest in return, but if my honesty allows them to learn to deceive better that’s also a really bad outcome. At times it makes me want to just be single the rest of my life.
26 comments posted: Monday, June 28th, 2021