Respectful dialogue about Covid
There have been LOTS of topics written about Covid on here. We could go on and on about all of this. What we NEED is to have a respectful dialogue to HELP each other.
I'll start . I take Zinc and extra doses of Vitamin D. I have found by doing this that the sinus issues I normally have during this time of year because of it being sugar cane harvesting time...has not happened. Big PLUS for me !
Also...because sunlight kills Covid...I take a shopping cart from outside that has been in the sunlight...before going into the store. I used to wipe it down as well...but then the wipes started to run out. I still take them from outside though.
I also have wet wipes that my H has poured alcohol into...since alcohol kills Covid. I use those wipes a LOT!! I have been teased for YEARS about my obsessive handwashing...so washing my hands regularly is not a big deal. I am also LOVING the extra hand sanitizing stations everywhere now . We are told that this is an airborne virus...but masks obviously don't work for it. For ME...keeping my hands clean and away from my nose and mouth have worked well with other viruses in the past...and seem to be working well now.
I feel it is not a matter of IF I will get the virus...it is a matter of WHEN. However...I am in my 60's and have never had the flu. I very rarely had the cold either...and have not had one since my children are grown. So either my immune system is doing very well...or my mitigation efforts are working. I feel it is probably a combination of both. I am also a SAHW...so I am not in a work environment with a lot of people. Even when I did work though...I was pretty healthy. Also...I get out and go into the grocery store...pharmacy...department stores...etc. It is much easier to avoid contact though when I am not in an enclosed environment with several people for hours. This was how most of the people I know who have had Covid contracted it.
Is there anyone else who would like to have a respectful dialogue about this?
367 comments posted: Thursday, January 6th, 2022
Lizard brain antics
I had a revelation that I wanted to share...only I can't share everything so I hope this will make sense !!
Hurricane Ida really did a number in our Parish...or County for the rest of you non-Louisianians . We are still not back to "normal"...but for the industry that my H is in...this has become a very BUSY time for him. His working hours are long...and they just keep getting longer.
Toward the end of last week...I was feeling anxious...but I didn't understand WHY . There have been some issues these last few months with Ida of course...as well as Covid that the whole world has been having to deal with. On top of all this...I ended up having to go to the doctor a few days ago and get antibiotics for a sinus infection that popped up at the most inconvenient time !!
With all that has been happening...my H and I have been EXHAUSTED. I mean...we are falling asleep watching TV shows we LOVE to watch...during early times in the evening...not too long after supper !!! By the time we get into bed...we are asleep almost as soon as our heads hit the pillow! Our sex life has been kind of LOW on the list of things we are doing lately.
Needless to say...there have been "issues" in our day to day life right now...so I wasn't sure WHICH issue was causing the anxiety...or maybe a combination of all of them were. But...the thing is...this FEELING seemed to stem from something to do with my H's A . I couldn't put my finger on what ANY of these issues we are dealing with had to do with his A though .
I was messaging with a DEAR friend on here and letting them know all this...when I typed the TIME that my H was now working. All of a sudden my stomach DROPPED . AHA!!! I never logically put it together until I saw it written out...but my limbic system did!! The time he is now working is EXACTLY the time he was working during his A!!! Also...I was with him when he first started working in Holland...and our sex life was pretty much NIL at that point too. We talked about it then...and he told me he was in a new country...new job...new boss...new culture...and LONG hours. He assured me that he just needed a little more time to acclimate himself to everything. So I did what a loving spouse does...and sacrificed MY desires for HIS needs. Only...just EIGHT DAYS after I left Holland...he met with the adultery co-conspirator for the first time...and stayed at the sushi restaurant WELL PAST the time he EVER stayed up while I was there . I would have LOVED to have had even HALF of that time with him while I was there...not to mention even half the sex .
Even though this happened over 7 years ago...my lizard brain was experiencing something similar...and was "warning" me...in its lizard brain way !! I would have never thought my H working THOSE hours would cause anxiety...but that is exactly when the anxiety started!! I let a few other friends and family members on here know...as well as my H. It amazes me just WHAT our limbic system keeps track of...things we normally don't pick up on. But I learned early on that I shouldn't just let that feeling pass...I ALWAYS trust my GUT now . Thankfully...what happened THEN...is not happening NOW. My anxiety is gone now and my GUT is calm again...so mystery solved !!
But wait...there's MORE !! As I was figuring this out...another issue happened . Something that is going to cost more money and time!! My H and I discussed it...and I went online to go shopping for what we need...like I really needed to do all of this in the middle of all of the OTHER stuff I am doing around this time of year!!
My H called later in the afternoon...saying he was coming home . I just ASSUMED he was coming home early so that we could go and look for the things we now needed to buy. I assumed incorrectly . Yes...even I make mistakes !!! As we were heading to our destination that I had established we needed to go to from my online shopping...I brought up my revelation from earlier. I asked my H if he even had much time to think about it since I knew how busy he is right now. He told me that he sure did...and that was why he took off when he did . He didn't want the time he worked here to correlate with the time he worked in Holland...because he didn't want me to be triggered by that anymore . I tell you...hearing him say that brought so much COMFORT to me . That man amazes me more and more...and I feel so BLESSED to have him as my H...warts and all !
Needless to say...we were again exhausted by the time we went to bed after having to go and take care of the issue that popped up during the day yesterday. But THIS time...well...we made sure to put things in the proper priority . From what research has shown...in order to retrain my lizard brain...I have to have POSITIVE experiences to combat the negative ones. So...we were following the science !!
5 comments posted: Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
Another year...another Christmas present You can give Me!!!
It's that time of year again...when I make a SHAMELESS plea for MY Christmas present . I WANT to see the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the TOP of this Forum get to page 28!! It really isn't all that hard to give it to me this year...only THREE positive stories and that page will turn .
I know all the excuses..."I don't feel we are fully reconciled yet". "I may jinx my reconciliation by posting about it". "No one will want to read MY positive story". "If I post a story then Want2BHappyAgain will never stop bugging me again".
Those excuses are all valid ! But WHAT IF just ONE person in this world would be HELPED by YOUR story??? Would it be worth it then??? I can honestly tell you that YES...it would definitely be worth it . How do I know??? Because people have messaged ME telling me how one of my positive stories DID help them . Heck...those stories helped ME when I first came on here so many years ago!!! This site if FILLED with people who really want to HELP others survive infidelity. This is a PERFECT opportunity to reach out and HELP .
So get those thoughts going...think of something POSITIVE that has happened in YOUR R...and write a post about it . BS...WS...MH...it doesn't matter...SOMEONE will be HELPED by YOUR story...I gar-on-tee!!! If THREE stories are posted...it will help ME get my Christmas present !!
THANK YOU ALL in advance !!!
14 comments posted: Thursday, December 9th, 2021
So much has changed!!
Seven years ago yesterday I joined SI . I had been lurking for a while...trying to understand all the danged abbreviations . (If you click on "The Healing Library" you will see a list of the abbreviations). I was a little over two months past Dday when I joined...and in desperate need of some HELP. Since no one else in our family or friend circle knew about my H's A...the ONLY person I could talk to about it was the person who put me in infidelity HELL .
One day...when I was having suicidal thoughts...I was researching how to survive infidelity...and this site came up . What a Godsend!!! My life slowly but surely started getting more sane...and I give ALL the credit to the wonderful ANGELS on here who sent me encouragement and HOPE . God was speaking to me through THEM...and their words were like water for my parched soul...I soaked everything in!
I looked at my profile today...and what I wrote way back then differs somewhat from how I feel now. I cringed when I saw the word "mistake" in there! I learned very quickly on here that my H did not make a mistake when he had his A. He made a CHOICE to look for NSA sex while working alone overseas. The mistake he made was in thinking he could keep this secret from me!
Also...I had read other articles that said some marriages get stronger after affairs. I took it to mean that the affair can make a marriage stronger...and I wrote that also in my profile. NO! There is NOTHING about my H's affair that made our marriage anything but OVER. I have come to realize that EVERY affair is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. The M we had was NEVER going to come back to where it was. However...we COULD make a new deal . There were new parameters...new goals...new perspectives to this new deal. WE worked HARD at what I like to call our Mv2.0..and from THAT...our M became stronger .
All of this took TIME...which the vets on here said was needed. I couldn't fathom back then that it would take this much time!! But these wise people kept letting me know that this was a marathon...not a sprint . I am a little slower than most in my healing...but I saw that there was progress...and that kept encouraging me .
There were also times when I felt this was all so UNFAIR!! I would get exhausted trying to get through the minefield of triggers without setting them off. WHY did this happen to ME ???!!! Yes...I wallowed in that self pity pit for WAY too long...until I realized that wasn't going to get me anywhere. I HAD to learn what I needed to do to HEAL. Failure was NOT an option. So I got myself out of that muck and started working on ME. Ahhhhhh...that was when things started getting better .
I am now to the point that I finally get what I have read others say on here...My H's A was NOT about ME. Now THAT bit of advice was very hard for me to swallow at first. OF COURSE it was about ME!!! How could it NOT be about ME???!!! I was the one who was DESTROYED...BROKEN...never to be WHOLE again while THEY were able to relive memories of THEIR fabulous time "playing house". The whole time THEY were together...they were LAUGHING at me for my gullible way of believing and trusting my H when he told me I was being silly for feeling that something was OFF between us . THEY PLAYED ME...and I was too stupid to realize how THEY were manipulating me. I could go on and on with this. It HAUNTED me for months.
This year something changed though . I went through A season without much pain...looking at it through an analytical lens. I have finite times...not estimates...of when THEY were together because of my H being overseas. He had to keep detailed records for his expenses...hours he worked...etc. in order to get paid. I looked at the evidence I had gathered years ago...reviewed it as if looking at a stranger's profile. A whole new picture appeared in my head of THEM during this time. THEY didn't play ME...THEY PLAYED EACH OTHER !!! I could see the manipulation from each of them in the places they went...the time they spent together...even where they had sex. Even though it was torture years ago to "see" their A through all the time stamped receipts...phone calls...emails...etc...it was quite fascinating to really LOOK at these dates and times without the emotional pain involved. THEIR "relationship" was all FAKE!!!
I saw what I was doing back then as well . There was NOTHING fake about ME . I was a loving wife who was giving her husband TRUST. I haven't changed my core! I was NOT destroyed...just battered. I was NOT broken...just bent. I never lost ANY piece of ME!! I couldn't see it then because of all the PAIN but I sure can see it so clearly now ! My battered psyche has healed . I straightened that bent part back up and I am standing TALL again! Well...as tall as someone a little over 5 feet can stand !!! I found the parts of me that I thought were gone forever...and I shined them back up to GLEAMING...better than ever !!
I can't speak as eloquently as some of the Angels who helped me on here...but I can say for certain that I SURVIVED infidelity...and THRIVED despite it . If I can do it...ANYONE can !!! THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me on this journey. I truly appreciate ALL that the wonderful people on SI have done!! Here's to another 7 years...of being HAPPY AGAIN !!!
12 comments posted: Sunday, October 3rd, 2021
Looks like 7 is the magic number for me!!!
When I first joined this site I read that it normally takes 2-5 years on average to heal from the trauma of infidelity HELL. Of course...this is a guideline...there really is no magical number. It took me a little longer...but I am finally there!
I couldn't fathom in the beginning that I could make it 2-5 months in the PAIN and DESPAIR that I was in...let alone 2-5 YEARS . The analogy that I had in my mind was of me treading water...at night...in the ocean. There were no lights to give me a bearing. I knew I had to swim or I would surely drown...but I had no idea WHERE to start . What if I started swimming in the wrong direction and I ended up going further OUT instead of finding land??? I had no where to turn to...no one to help me...and I was starting to sink .
Then I found THIS site . It was like dawn started to break...and I could see some type of path to take. People were throwing me lifelines left and right...some even coming into the water where I was just to let me know I wasn't alone . I HATED having to do this...AGAIN...but this time...I had others who were willing to help guide me through some of the most treacherous waters until I was able to get the strength to navigate on my own. I am FOREVER grateful to the kind and generous people who make up this AWESOME club that NO ONE ever wants to be a part of .
My A season is 68 days...from the 1st day they met...until the day the adultery co-conspirator drove my H to the airport in her country on the day he came home to me. For the first several years...time STOPPED on those 68 days...and I was brought back to the time during my H's A. I would go over EVERY DAY...reliving it like it was just happening...it was pure HELL . I finally decided that this was only hindering my healing...so around year 4 I stopped. It DID help !!
THIS A season though...it was different...in a GOOD way . My H and I have proactively replaced the BAD memories of some of the worst times during A season...with some very GOOD memories of US and what we call our marriage...version 2.0...or Mv2.0 . These GOOD memories have HELPED me take back...or OWN the A season! THOSE 68 days during A season are NOTHING compared to the other SEVEN different 68 days we have had since then .
I am a SAHW...and I am blessed to be able to do volunteer work. Being able to GIVE to others helps me feel grateful for what I have in my life . Sometimes I travel...and that is the case for me now . This travel started a little over a week past my 7th A season. My H and I were separated for almost 3 weeks before he was able to come to where I am. We had an awesome time together...seeing the sights...and wonders of this place . But...after being apart for 20 days...we were like lovestruck teenagers . We couldn't keep our hands off each other !!! He kept holding me close to him...and I kept breathing him in...I LOVE his smell !!!
This wasn't the first time we had been apart since Dday. But it was the first time when there were no qualms...no questions...no doubts . I KNEW my H was being faithful...sort of like having that blind trust again! I have said I would never have it again...and I am sure that part won't ever come back. But THIS time...yes...I have to say...there was trust there. And it felt GOOD .
I'm healed . It took me a little longer perhaps...but I am there . It was a gradual healing...the pain after the first year was not nearly as bad as Dday. But there was still this ACHE...this sadness that I would feel...especially after a particularly GOOD day. It made me sad because I knew that it COULD have been a GREAT day...if infidelity had not entered my marriage . I don't feel that anymore though...which really surprises me...in a GOOD way . There were so MANY things that...at first...I KNEW I would never be able to get back. Slowly but surely...I have pretty much gotten back a LOT!
To those who are just starting on this journey OUT of infidelity HELL...things DO get better . You WILL heal! Your marriage may not survive...my 1st marriage didn't. But YOU WILL . My time was a little longer...and that is perfectly FINE. We will ALL heal at different times...in different ways.
11 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021
sassylee and sunwillshine
I MISS y'all!!
My last PM's to these lovely ladies have gone unread for over 6 months now . I know several other BW's I have been PMing with have left this site because they are happily in R and don't need SI anymore...but I don't think that is the case for these two wonderful ladies.
With Covid causing so much destruction last year...I am worried that something terrible happened. I PRAY that is not the case...but with each passing day it seems to be the case .
9 comments posted: Friday, July 23rd, 2021
Another turn around the sun!!!
Well y'all...I MADE IT !! Today is my 7th antiversary. I could NEVER have imagined that I would be looking forward to this day...yet here I am...all giddy and stuff !!
Y'all can read about my original Dday for some background on it in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread...on page 13 . Skan starts off that page with a positive story of her own...may she Rest In Peace .
THIS A season was very unexpected for me because it didn't have the pain that the previous A seasons had . That was a very NICE surprise! There were a few things that happened this year that may have contributed. First...Covid shut down so MUCH last year...and it felt GOOD to get back to some sense of normalcy this year . My Dad passed away...which gave LIFE a nuanced meaning. A good friend of mine passed away as well...and he and his wife were married about the same time as when my 1st Dday hit. Seeing her GRIEF at the funeral...knowing her husband is gone from this Earth...it made me even more grateful that my husband is still here.
I don't know which event made more significance. It was probably a little of ALL of the events that happened leading up to and during my A season that may have been significant. I won't underestimate the path I have taken toward MY healing as well. I FOUGHT...for ME...and I've WON . I have had some GREAT friends and family on this site who have continued to show their support and LOVE through MY journey OUT of infidelity...and I THANK each and every one of YOU for being here for me . Last...but certainly not least...my FAITH has returned and God has been so GOOD to US !!! Whatever it was...THIS A season was...well...not that big of a deal...and that says a LOT !!!
By the time my 1st antiversary rolled around...my H and I had constructed a pretty decent timeline...so EACH DAY of those 68 days of his A from the previous year...I pored over the information we had. I relived what HE was doing as well as what I was...and the feelings were so overwhelming .
The 2nd antiversary...you can read all about it on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread .
The 3rd antiversary was a turning point in my HEALING . By this time I was fairly convinced that we were going to stay together...and that I was going to have the loving and faithful spouse that I wanted in order to be in this happy and healthy M . Those words in italics...I came up with that as a PLAN for MY life not too long after Dday. I told my H what my PLAN was...and said that IF he wanted it too...GREAT. If he didn't...I would find someone who WOULD!! My H agreed wholeheartedly with this PLAN...and we started working on it TOGETHER .
By my 3rd antiversary...I knew that reliving those 68 days over and over in my head was only going to create a rut in my neuropathways that I didn't need to have. I KNEW what happened...it was in the PAST...and I was ready to move FORWARD again to live out my fairytale M and have my "happily ever after" . NO...it isn't rugsweeping...it is moving on .
Sometime around or after the 3rd antiversary...I found out about the Google timeline from a post someone did on here. MOST of our original timeline was spot on...but some of the dates...like when he first went to her house...were off. My H could remember what THEY did...he just couldn't remember what particular day they did these things. We tweaked our timeline to reflect what the Google timeline showed...and I was able to get more of the pieces to FIT in that affair puzzle.
So...as a present to ME...I forced myself to NOT look at the calendars...timeline...emails...etc...that I had all the information on during my 4th A season. It didn't work out that well though . I would panic at a certain date during A season...wondering what REALLY happened...and I just HAD to look . Once I saw what happened on a particular date...it calmed me down...but then it made me sad because I felt I had let myself down .
On my 5th A season...I didn't force anything . If I felt the NEED to look...I looked. Somehow...THIS helped me to NOT look . My 6th A season...Covid...I don't need to say any more because we ALL know what THAT was like.
Now we come to THIS A season . I actually LOOKED at the calendars and the timeline...but not with emotion...it was more like a detective looking at a cold case...out of curiosity. Because my H was working overseas during his A...I have finite times with time stamped restaurant and event receipts. I have a LOT of trivial information such as gas receipts...ATM receipts...phone store receipts...that are all time stamped...so I can practically tell how long THEY were together.
Believe it or not...I SAW things that happened...that were there all the time...but the emotions got in the way of doing a clinical analysis so to speak. They didn't amount to much in the grand scheme of things...but I could glean stuff to show the reason for WHY certain things happened. It was sort of FUN to put more pieces together. YES...I said that right...FUN .
I didn't KNOW what my reality actually was during my H's A. By putting this stuff together...I could tell that THEY didn't know what THEIR reality actually was either . My H and his adultery co-conspirator each had their own perspective of WHAT this affair was...and it did NOT align with the other's perspective. They USED each other...and ended up causing FAR worse things to happen to THEM than they ever did to ME . I am a pretty decent person who came out WAY BETTER than either of THEM did. YES...I am decent...even if I was cussing like a sailor when I first got on here !!
I've healed . Those first years though...DANG!!! Besides the constant cussing...I remember the warts on my hands...EIGHTEEN of them...just popping up all over the place . They are all gone now . My teeth were breaking too...THAT was surprising! My dentist asked if I was under stress...because sometimes people grind their teeth at night if they are stressed. AHA!! After I told my H what the dentist said...he told me that sometimes I was waking him up at night because I was grinding my teeth so LOUD !! It has now been several years that I have had that happen though . The "zoning out" has ended too...woohoo!!! My poor family had no idea what was going on when I was in this phase. I bet it was scary! I saw that video of Beyonce at a basketball game once...with JayZ. The reason I saw it was because people were making fun of it...saying that her body must have been inhabited by aliens because of her blank stare and the rocking back and forth that she did. When I saw that video though...I KNEW WHY she was doing that . Worst of all for me was the shaking . Oh gosh...my body would just start shaking and I could NOT control it! I couldn't understand what was happening...and feared that it was causing some kind of reaction to my central nervous system that was going to be permanent .
I knew I HAD to find a way to get control of all of this...for my HEALTH. I just didn't know HOW . Thank God I am a curious person by nature . My reaction to my H's confession on Dday...when I told him the M was over...with NO emotion whatsoever...that intrigued me. It was like my body took over and just REACTED. I am still proud to this day of how I reacted . That POPPED that affair fantasy bubble he was in so FAST!!! A WS wrote in the Wayward Forum about "limbic lag". When I looked that up...it became so CLEAR to me about WHY I reacted the way I did...because of the experience I had gone through with my 1st H...almost 30 years to the DAY earlier!! My "lizard brain" took over...and I was in flight response. I stayed in that response for a while...until my limbic system calmed down .
Another thing going for me...which some of you MIGHT have picked up on from these years I have been on here ...was that I have always had a POSITIVE personality . I KNOW my WORTH . I also KNOW that being POSITIVE has helped me maneuver through many of MY life's troubles. But THIS experience...I have to say...it destroyed me . Only...it didn't . I was still there...under ALL that CRAP...and I made it OUT of that HELL...into the LIGHT...and it FEELS...SOOOOOOO...GOOD!!! THANK YOU GOD !!!
My H and I are CELEBRATING our Mv2.0 tonight...just like we have since our 2nd antiversary...the one you can read about on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread at the TOP of this Forum . I gave him another chance to RISE to MY expectations of him...and he has far surpassed every expectation I had . Like Joseph in the Bible...what was meant to DESTROY me...God took it and made GOOD come out of it . I truly have the BEST M I've ever had...an M I always dreamed of...with a H who is so IN LOVE with me that he can't even fathom that he was ever THAT person he was before. He has helped ME heal...and I have helped HIM too . He WAS broken...I was just bent . We stand much straighter now...and we are doing it TOGETHER!! Like my tagline says...we were two IMPERFECT people...who have...TOGETHER...made this PERFECT marriage! I am LIVING PROOF that not only CAN you survive infidelity...you can THRIVE despite it !!! THANK YOU GOD...because with HIM...ALL things are possible !!!
5 comments posted: Monday, July 19th, 2021
All marriages end badly
I read an article once that stated that ALL marriages end badly. Either a couple divorce...or one...or both...of them dies. That made me sad when I started to read the article . Then it went on to say that LIFE ends badly because we ALL will die . Of course...then it added the point...it is what we do BEFORE this that makes our life...well...worth LIVING .
I happened to see a marriage that ended very suddenly...very badly...last week . A dear friend unexpectedly passed away . He and his wife were married about the same amount of time that my H and I were right before my H had his A. There was no reason to suspect that infidelity was involved in THEIR M. They were a very LOVING couple who seemed to absolutely ADORE each other. Then again...to anyone who knows us IRL...WE seem that way too.
His widow was in such despair...his sudden death was a shock to everyone...but it was devastating to her. It was heartwrenching to watch her at the wake...her PAIN was so raw . My friend was so FULL of life...and was just an overall KIND person. He will be sorely missed .
I have seen a few threads lately from some awesome people on here who are in R...but they are still feeling that DEEP ACHE from knowing that infidelity will NEVER fully go away. It is always going to be just under the surface...and even when happy times come...it won't EVER be as happy as it could have been if infidelity would have never become a part of their life . ALL of us on here know that feeling .
One of the advantages of being OLD is that I have experience with that feeling besides the infidelity. I know that EVERYONE is going to experience some type of trauma in their lifetime. SOMETHING is going to end BADLY for ALL of us. It is what we DO before that time that determines the QUALITY of our life .
I lost my beautiful Mama at a young age . Our relationship on Earth ended very suddenly...and very badly. It took me many years to realize that the PAIN I felt for her was because of the immense LOVE we had for one another. Not everybody gets to experience that in their life. THAT is the sad part . I will TAKE this pain I feel over my Mama's passing ANY DAY over NOT having that experience of pure...unconditional...LOVE.
Maybe it is because I had the experience of losing my wonderful Mama like I did that I can feel the way I do about my M? I don't know. What I DO know is that my M didn't end badly...yet. WE are still here and THRIVING . YES...there is this huge ugly scar that keeps our M from looking perfect...but scars only form on the living . Scars form when we are HEALING . If we kept picking at the wound...it wouldn't have healed. We needed to CLEAN the wound...take out ALL of the poison...and no matter how BAD it hurt...we needed to scrub the crud OFF.
It took a lot of work...over several years...but the wound is HEALED...and the scar proves it . We know the scar is there...and it is never going to go away. But we survived infidelity and we REFUSE to let that scar stop US from enjoying the BEST M we have ever had...until it ends...badly .
8 comments posted: Tuesday, June 1st, 2021
Yesterday was an Awesome Day!!!
Disclaimer: ALL of us have our own unique way of coping with the trauma of an A. This is MY way. As with every thread on here...take what helps YOU...and leave the rest .
SEVEN years ago yesterday was when the adultery co-conspirator told my H over dinner that she decided she would be coming to his hotel that weekend so he could fuck her...after only meeting up twice in person before . I know that this night was a very intense and erotic night for my H...from what he told me they did after he walked her to her car . In fact...when he was telling me about THIS particular night...it was the only time he got hard when recollecting everything they did during the A.
On Dday I issued ultimatums that my H had to do in order for me to consider R. One of these ultimatums was that my H had to PLAN a FABULOUS vacation for ME the following year...that would coincide with some of their "firsts". When I found out what happened on THIS particular night...I knew he had to do something really OVER THE TOP to combat my trigger over what THEY did. He sure came through .
SIX years ago yesterday...we arrived in Chicago...our first time ever in that city . We went to the Willis Tower...formally known as the Sears Tower...another first! We went back to our hotel and rested for a bit before taking an evening river cruise...you guessed it...this was a first for us as well ! We had a wonderful meal at a local restaurant and then went back to our hotel room to cap off a very awesome day !!!
The only thing is...it wasn't very awesome during that time . Even though there were a few bright spots...I did a LOT of crying that first day...along with a lot of drinking. I knew it was going to be HARD...but I was determined that I was going to OWN...or take back...these dates...and that thought kept me going.
YESTERDAY...when I woke up...the thought of what THEY did on this day 7 years ago crossed my mind. It was immediately replaced by the memory of what WE did on this day 6 years ago . There were MANY things I did wrong during my healing...but OWNING triggers was one of the things I did RIGHT . I am now at a place where triggers are small blips on my radar...and OH MY GOSH...does it ever feel GOOD !!!
I learned about the Google timeline on here...around year 2 or 3 after Dday. I used to go through each day during A season by looking at the times that THEY were together . I was paralyzed...not wanting to do anything...until those times where the timeline showed that THEY weren't together anymore ended . EVERY year I felt like what they DID was happening in the PRESENT . I knew this wasn't healthy...so around year 5 I deliberately STOPPED looking at the timeline...until yesterday.
This time though...I looked at the Google timeline from 6 years ago . It was so cool to retrace the steps WE did during that day!! WHY didn't I think of that before???!!! I asked my H what it was he remembered about that day...and he said the train ride...and the little kindergartner .
Y'all know I can't write a post without giving thanks to God . He sure gave US a memory to let us know HE is always there for us! When we were at the Willis Tower...we had to stand in line to get to The Ledge...behind a class of kindergartners on a field trip. The group happily went on The Ledge that looked 103 stories DOWN to the street below...except for one little girl. She was PETRIFIED. Three of her friends were standing on the glass...and had their arms outstretched for her to take their hand. They were so encouraging...coaxing her to come on to the glass...to just take one step on. They were letting her know they were going to be right there with her . Ever so slowly...the young girl...with tears streaming down her face...made her way to her friends. When she stepped on to The Ledge her friends surrounded her...letting her know how awesome it was that she was with them . The young girl was CRYING...but you could tell she was very happy to be at that place with THEM . It was truly a beautiful thing to witness .
That scenario really stuck with us throughout our vacation. God was showing us that things can be HARD...especially when our thoughts paralyze us. But we aren't alone in this life...all we have to do is reach out to be helped...as well as to help . This site has HELPED me more than I can ever say...and hopefully this post can offer a little help to someone who is new to betrayal. You aren't alone...we are ALL here to HELP .
Edited to add...I thought I had used the HAPPY face emoji...so please excuse the sad face one! I don't know how to change it!!
[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 5:49 PM, May 23rd (Sunday)]
6 comments posted: Sunday, May 23rd, 2021
The Positive Reconciliation Stories thread is closed .
Please open it back up or start another one that is pinned to the top .
2 comments posted: Saturday, May 22nd, 2021
This has literally shaped our marriage
I have often talked about the daily "One Thing" emails I get...and the title to today's "One Thing" by Kim Kimberling from the Awesome Marriage website really intrigued me . As I read it...I realized this was so TRUE for OUR marriage as well !!
I am sure that there are successfully reconciled marriages that do not have God guiding them. For US though...it wasn't until we "Let Go and Let God" that we saw a HUGE difference in not only OUR marriage...but in the way we saw LIFE in general . I used to think I was a faith filled Christian...but as we all know...hindsight is 20/20. I have talked about how WE were straying so far off of the faithful path with the decadent lifestyle we pursued...until my H ended up on the infidelity path that nearly destroyed EVERY path for US . God showed us the way back though...and WOW...it has truly been the BEST path WE have ever been on !!!
Today's email really moved us...and I thought I would share this with those of y'all who are on a similar path . Kim talks about praying with his wife, Nancy, often. Today he laid out a few examples...and as I read them...I realized this was also true for US . Here is an excerpt from the email this morning:
...Knowing how it has literally shaped our marriage, however, may influence your view on prayer. So here are some ways prayer has impacted us.
It has been a daily source of consistent connection.
It has kept us from going to bed angry at each other. (Almost always!)
It has helped us see each other through God’s eyes.
We have seen God answer prayer after prayer after prayer.
It has given us a place to take our deepest needs and hurts.
It has calmed our fears.
It has given us confidence in our decisions.
It has made us feel like we have a private audience with God.
My list could go on and on, but you get the idea. The bottom line is that if you and your spouse pray together, it will have an amazing impact on your marriage.
Right after Dday...I lost my faith in God . I truly was at a loss...not only from my precious marriage that died...but from the faith that died too . However...God wasn't going to let me go that easily . He allowed me to rant and rave at Him...knowing that my anger came from a place of deep HURT. Then He gently showed me the fallacy of my thoughts...He's kind of cool like that .
I got my faith back...and MORE . It also helped me to see that what I THOUGHT was gone forever...really wasn't. IF I could get my faith back...maybe my precious marriage wasn't completely lost either?
I knew my H would have to be willing to do the WORK as well though...and WE weren't ever a couple who prayed together regularly. My H assured me he was very willing...and we started doing a daily Bible Study...as well as praying together every morning and night. I have to say that the saying "Prayer Changes Things" never registered before like it does NOW !! Needless to say...OUR precious marriage is BETTER than EVER .
NO...I never got the blind trust back. NO...I am not free from the pain of betrayal. YES...there are times when the memory of what he did can bring me to my knees . But when I get there...I am in the position to PRAY .
NO traumatic event is erased from our memory...and we on this site have infidelity as part of the trauma in our life. EVERYONE goes through trauma...and on this site we have this experience. We can all share our experience in healing from this particular trauma...and help each other . MY experience isn't for everyone...but I hope this helps those who are going through the same experience I did in my faith .
YES...I trust my H. YES...I can look at my H with pride and respect. YES...we are totally...unashamedly...and head over heels IN LOVE with each other !!!
R is HARD...but if BOTH spouses are ALL IN...it is totally WORTH IT !!!
6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 19th, 2021
Monoclonal antibody infusion
I had gone to my doctor the other day and we were talking about therapeutics for Covid. My doctor told me about a monoclonal antibody infusion that is readily available in all 50 states .
She said that if I felt I had Covid...to call her office and they would perform a test. If the test came back positive...she would write an order for the infusion. She told me the infusion would be done at our local hospital...but on an outpatient basis. It takes a few hours. My doctor said that it is very effective if done within 10 days after having the symptoms...so she encouraged me not to delay if I ever feel I have it.
She was very encouraged by it ! She said that of all of her patients that had received the infusion...none of them had to be admitted into the hospital and there were NO deaths.
The infusion was first given for free...but I don't know if that is still the case. I also don't know if the facility giving the infusion is charging for its use or not. To ME though...it is worth passing this information on .
3 comments posted: Monday, May 17th, 2021
It's that time again!!
A little less than 6 weeks from now it will be Christmas Day . One thing that I want for Christmas...and ONLY y'all can give me...is to make the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread turn to page 27 !!! Since only 6 posts are needed for the page to turn...that is just ONE post a week .
I had to go back all the way to September of 2018 before I could find a WH write in this thread...thank you 2timesunfaithful! Some of you WH's should be stepping up with your posts !!!
All kidding aside...the holidays can be a hard time for some people who are hurting so badly from infidelity. This year can make it even harder. YOUR post may be the encouragement a person needs instead of the unrelenting despair they may be feeling. YOU could be the one to make a difference in a person feeling that their M couldn't possibly survive infidelity. So come on Santa Ilaus...or SI for short (see what I did there) . Give someone the gift of HOPE this Christmas . I KNOW you will make at least one person smile !!!
19 comments posted: Monday, November 16th, 2020
"I didn't lose my legs that day...
...I gained a second chance at life". I heard this quote attributed to Johnny Joey Jones about the day he stepped on an IED. Jones is a retired Marine bomb technician who lost both of his legs in Afghanistan. Anyone who has had the pleasure of watching this young man can see the positivity oozing from him . Johnny Joey Jones has stated that the day he lost his legs is called his "Alive Day". I have deemed Dday as the M day 2.0 . Oh yes...we DO celebrate that anniversary of the day our M became authentic!!
I remembered this quote of my title to this thread when I saw someone post on here about how being betrayed could compare to losing a limb. The M could survive the betrayal...but there would always be something missing. I would agree with that. That isn't how the story has to end though . Johnny Joey Jones certainly sees his life as MORE than just his legs. I certainly see my M as MORE than just the A!!
Being betrayed damaged my soul . But when I thought about it...I didn't LOSE anything that made me...well...ME. My integrity was still intact. My faithfulness will never be questioned. My essence is WHOLE. As I began to heal...I realized all of the things I gained . I live IN the moment now. I have a strength that surprises even me! And I will NEVER settle for less than what I deserve ever again .
I also see I have something in common with Mr. Jones...a POSITIVE attitude ! I thought I had lost that too after Dday...but I was mired in so much negativity that it took a while for the positivity to come out. Once it did though...there was no stopping me!! Research has shown that a positive mindset has many benefits...and it was something I knew I could do...so I worked at getting back that positive attitude. It didn't happen overnight...and there were setbacks...but I am back to being positive again about life...and it is MUCH better than being in that negative muck!
I started to positively FIGHT...for ME . Every battle I won brought me closer to healing. Do I still get sad at times? Absolutely. That is the feeling with ALL trauma we face. But am I happier now? Absolutely!!! I set out on my quest with a mantra...I WILL OWN THIS A! I can positively attest after all these years that I DO !!!
Things that used to settle negatively into my thoughts are now positively thrown OUT!! Triggers...pffft. I ate them for lunch . Mind movies...they were much more pornographic than what actually happened . The adultery co-conspirator...oh please. She was a broken soul who couldn't hold a candle to all of my awesomeness !! Trust...that was my H's job to show me he was trustworthy again. It was my job to allow him to show me. He did...and I do . I got my positivity back also !
My precious M...that was a hard one. But I now have the fairytale M that I've always dreamed of! I know...saying the "f" word isn't very popular on here ! The way I see it though...EVERY fairytale has trauma in it...but that isn't where every fairytale ends. They end with living "happily ever after" . My H has told me that he is making it his life's mission to give me my "happily ever after". And the best part is...I am giving him his "happily ever after" too...and it is wonderful !!!
Doing research on M's that are fulfilling...I saw that it is when BOTH spouses GIVE to each other that makes a M fufilling for both of them. It sounds so simple...but that wasn't the case in my M pre-A. Heck...it wasn't the case post-A either for a while. I was the giver and my H was the taker pre-A...but post-A our roles reversed. My H was happy taking over the role of giver...but being a taker wasn't fulfilling for me. It was HARD to take that step to being a giver in my M again...but I am so happy that I did!!
Last but most importantly...my H and I started reaching out to God...together . THIS has been the most fulfilling and rewarding part in our M! God gave us an instruction book on how to have a happy and fulfilling life and M. Our only regret is that we didn't follow those instructions earlier in life. The thing about instructions is...you can always go back and look at them again if you mess up. We are very thankful that we are able to follow the instructions correctly NOW .
We ALL have choices in our life. We can choose to remain the victim...or the victor. We can choose to be sad...or happy. We can choose to let our circumstances...through no fault of our own...defeat us. OR...we can choose to FIGHT until we WIN. Johnny Joey Jones made his choice out on the battlefield...I made mine in my M. We fought hard...and we WON our war . We have battle scars...but we survived...and we are living our BEST life ever...Thank You God!!!
17 comments posted: Saturday, November 7th, 2020
Hi there all you SI Reconcilers !! It is a GORGEOUS day in NOLA...and I am feeling pretty good today. Especially since I saw another AWESOME post in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread which is pinned at the TOP of this Forum !! THANK YOU sunwillshine!!!
Maybe we can have a breather from thoughts of infidelity for a bit and come up with some things that bring us happiness in our reconciliation . I'll start!!!
The other night I told my H that he was my whole world. He responded by saying that I was his whole universe PLUS one planet . I asked WHICH planet...thinking that he was going to say VENUS...the planet of LUUUUUVE.
His response...with that cute grin of his...URANUS !!! We had a big laugh about that...laughter truly IS the best medicine isn't it ?!
So...maybe that book is wrong...men aren't from MARS...they have a whole different mindset !!!
Anyone else have a cute...funny...thankful...HAPPY story to tell??? I am looking forward to reading all about it !!
272 comments posted: Friday, October 2nd, 2020
NtV...does this count???
My H was preparing jalapenos...stuffing them with cream cheese and wrapping them in bacon . He made the comment that he, "can cut the cheese with a butter knife" .
Will THIS be enough for the favor you said you would do for me ???!!!
What do the rest of you dear SIers say...is THIS an appropriate fart joke???!!! Help me out people...I am NOT very good at this kind of stuff...but I need y'all to help me convince NTV that this is good enough .
33 comments posted: Saturday, December 23rd, 2017