Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen (of the Harvard Negotiation Project) was so useful in navigating a recent issue with my ex-WS involving the kids. It has also been healing, as the process it uses makes you look at how your feelings and identity are engaged in a struggle with someone else.
Some highlights for me:
1. I had to examine my own contribution to the issue, which was really hard. After a while, I realized that my contribution was (a) avoiding discussing the issue with him until it escalated to a crisis; and (b) if I'm honest with myself, I haven't been receptive to communication about the kids because I'm still a bit mad at my ex.
2. You have to determine what the purpose of your discussion is before you go in and decide whether it's even worthwhile to have a conversation.
3. Even feelings that you think are irrational can be expressed in a difficult conversation.
4. My views and feelings can be complicated and even contradictory and that's ok.
There is way more stuff in the book. It's like taking Brene Brown's stuff about being vulnerable, and giving a road map to actually putting it into practice.
0 comment posted: Thursday, June 14th, 2018
Need to Dig Up Old (Possibly Deleted) Posts and Tweets
Background: I separated from my ex a couple of years ago. He shacked up with OW. We have two kids together who have special needs and require quite a bit of therapy. I received a weird apology from my ex yesterday about some of OW's activities. It turns out that OW was posting a bunch of malicious stuff about the team online questioning their methods and making thinly veiled accusations of child abuse. I think a bunch of it has now been taken down.
Is there a way for me to see what was posted/tweeted, even if it has been deleted or taken down by the poster? I think it was on facebook and/or twitter. I also have OW blocked on facebook because I didn't want to see her pop up.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, May 15th, 2018
In New Beginnings:
Drunken Hoover Maneouvre
3 comments posted: Monday, September 4th, 2017
Book Club in real life
I'm joining up a book club in real life with some people I met at the local divorce and separation meetup group. We're going to read Bruce Fisher's Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends together. I'm excited. I read it a year ago, and it helped me a lot, but I know that sharing with others can be very healing. I also think that my views on some of the topics may have changed in the last year.
6 comments posted: Thursday, January 19th, 2017
Free Affair/Relationship Books
I have a ton of affair/relationship books to give away. I'm keeping my divorce/coparenting books
I will post pics in comments, but here they are in no particular order:
Getting Past the Affair by Snyder et al
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Kirshenbaum
Chatting or Cheating by Meyers
Spousonomics by Szuchman and Anderson
Getting the Sex you Want by Nelson (actually, I might keep that one )
Talking Dirty by Neustifier (hmmm... I might reconsider keeping that one in case I ever, ahem, need it)
Mating in Captivity by Perel
What Makes Love Last by Gottman
Where to Draw the Line by Katherine
After the Affair by Spring
Not Just Friends by Glass
Marriage Rules by Lerner
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman
The Sex-Starved Marriage by Davis
If I find anymore, I'll come back and edit. As you can see, I often try to solve problems with information.
22 comments posted: Monday, May 9th, 2016
Book or Article on Gaslighting
I'm starting to realize that STBX and OW were gaslighting me during their affair, but I'm still working out all of the various ways they played me. I know that I felt everything about them was "off" and I was getting all these weird mixed messages. Is there a good book or article that describes the different ways people gaslight and deceive?
4 comments posted: Wednesday, January 20th, 2016
Blocking on Facebook
If I block someone on Facebook, how will they know? I went to share something the other day, and I wanted to share it with a private support group I belong to. When I hit share and looked for options, it brought affair partner's name up as someone to share it with specifically. It didn't suggest anyone else specifically, and I unfriended her after D-Day, so why did it pick her?. I don't want her name coming up when I try to share things, etc., but I don't want her thinking that she is taking up space in my head, either, such as if she was notified that I've blocked her or something.
3 comments posted: Friday, December 11th, 2015
Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends
By Bruce Fisher. Has anyone read it? Thoughts? My psychologist recommended it for help with the grieving process and more.
19 comments posted: Thursday, November 12th, 2015
Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
I tend to be a non-fiction reader, and I know that my STBX and I are going to have to go through 10 years' worth of STUFF, including kids' stuff, now that we are separating. A part of me is looking forward to not having HIS stuff around anymore, as he tends to accumulate much more than me (or at least that is my impression, but maybe I just value different things). Anyway, I'm enjoying this one so far. I'm going to start with my own stuff, but I'm seeing this as an opportunity for renewal.
18 comments posted: Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
How to Survive Change... You Didn't Ask For
By M.J. Ryan.
I got tired of reading After the Affair, Not Just Friends, everything by John Gottman, etc. This book about surviving change is more about surviving economic change (the examples are largely about layoffs, budgeting, selling your house, etc.), but I'm finding it helpful to move the focus to me and getting me through this mess, instead of constantly thinking about the relationship. One of the early suggestions in the book is to make a list of all the things you've accomplished in your life, As a reminder of how you have dealt with past challenges and that you will get through this one.
I'm just throwing it out there in case anyone else is sick of relationship recovery books!
4 comments posted: Tuesday, August 4th, 2015
Suggestions for Books about Boundaries
I'm looking for a book about boundaries. My spouse and I never really discussed them. I want to be able to either reconcile with him or someday enter a new relationship with a strong sense of boundaries for me and boundaries I expect a partner to follow. I hope I'm explaining this right. I've heard of the Henry Cloud one, but I'd prefer a secular book rather than one with a religious bent (although if the best material out there is from a religious source I will still read it).
7 comments posted: Tuesday, July 14th, 2015
From what I've read on-line, once someone deletes their Tumblr account, you can't recover their blogs. I'm just wondering if that's true. My WS broke NC using Tumblr blogs, realized it was wrong or something and conveniently deleted his whole account. Just checking if someone knows a way to recover this stuff.
0 comment posted: Tuesday, May 12th, 2015