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WhoTheBleep

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

Hair loss...stress related?

I wasn't sure where to put this. I was thinking Off Topic, but I mentioned my divorce so...

I've had thick hair my whole life. My braids and ponytails have always been significantly thicker than those of most other women I know and see in public.

My hair has felt somewhat drab lately, and it just feels thinner. I thought I was imagining things. But tonight I put a low ponytail in before I ran out to grab a bite to eat with a friend, and my ponytail is half the thickness it normally is. I'm not finding a ton of hair in the shower or on my pillow. Maybe a tiny bit more than normal, but not enough to make me panic.

I'm thinking this has been happening gradually over the past several months or year, and I'm just noticing now? I've definitely been highly stressed since probably October of last year. My deposition was absolutely brutal, and came at the same time I was starting a new job. I ended up in a deep depression for about 2 months afterwards. Right around the time I pulled myself out of said depression, I came down with Covid. It felt mild compared to other stories I've heard, but who knows what the fight did to my body. I've prepped twice for my divorce trial, resulting in continuances, and I'm now preparing a third time. So yes, I'm highly stressed.

Or could it be age/hormone related? I've had some recent blood work and it showed some mild vitamin deficiencies.

Has anyone experienced this? I've read if hair loss is stress related, it will most likely grow back when the stress has passed.

Tell me your experiences, please.

11 comments posted: Sunday, September 19th, 2021

Another rescue dog?

I've been thinking about this for months. When our family mutt passed 3 years ago, I planned on no pets for 1 year. 6 weeks later I was at the shelter filling out paperwork for my current rescue 😁. She is a very social 20 lb mutt. They called her "the little cheerleader" at the shelter because she would run around cheering up all the other dogs who were afraid. She was traumatized herself, healing from a broken leg and missing much of her hair. (She fluffed up within a couple of months at my house! It was amazing to watch). She has never met a dog she didn't like. Oldest DD is begging me for another small dog. I love the idea of two buddy dogs.

There is a Chihuahua available at a local rescue. They are requesting a home with another small dog, as the Chihuahua is very social as well. I'm tempted to fill out an application. More than tempted 🤦😬

For those of you who went from one dog to two, how did you find the adjustment for all involved, including the animals? I do work full-time, but have a teacher's schedule, so plenty of time off at home(holidays, summer, etc). My three kids are very gentle and responsible with animals, so I know that won't be an issue.

47 comments posted: Sunday, August 8th, 2021

Southern flannel moth caterpillar sting!!

This morning, at work, I leaned against a concrete wall and felt like I hit my funny bone in my arm. Did the usual rub and "ouch". But it wasn't going away. It got worse and worse over the course of an hour. The pain got so bad I couldn't stand it. I couldn't see a definitive sting mark, but I had these weird Goosebumps on the back of my arm and they were oozing clear fluid. Almost looked like just that 5 inch part of my arm was sweating. After declining an ambulance ride to the hospital, a co-worker drove me to urgent care, where a spider bite was diagnosed. I got all kinds of fun drugs and a tetanus shot.

Hours later, still in agony, painkillers not working. The center of the patch now looks like a dark purple checkerboard. WTH? So I take a photo and throw it up on the local mom's Facebook page. Within minutes I had five responses:. Southern flannel moth caterpillar sting. Sure enough I googled, and that's exactly what it looks like. Many relayed personal experiences. Umm, caterpillars are venomous? Who knew? And apparently the one that got me is the most venomous in North America! The Sting is worse than a jellyfish, any bee, or a scorpion. Feels like a blowtorch on the skin, check. Pain radiating up and down the arm all the way from the fingertips to the shoulder, check. Feels like the venom is in my bones, check.

It's been 13 hours and I am still in so much pain, and I took a narcotic 2 hours ago that should have knocked me on my ass. And a toradol injection at urgent Care that did absolutely nothing for the pain. I had a toradol injection when I broke my leg and it worked like a charm. This bleeping caterpillar trumped a broken leg!

Anyway, anyone ever experienced this? Just be on the lookout. Google photos. They are super cute and furry and your kids might be tempted to pick them up. DO NOT DO THIS. I wanted to cut my arm off a little while ago. It would have hurt less I think.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:36 PM, July 26th (Monday)]

7 comments posted: Monday, July 26th, 2021

Memory loss post abuse

I've become aware of something recently, as I have been digging through all of the crap from the past in preparation for my divorce trial. My memory is crap. Not just about marriage related things, but in general life things.

I've noticed that I've said to different people, quite often lately, "wow you have a great memory I can't believe I didn't remember that."

There have been a couple of things I have since remembered in the months since completing my deposition. I just drew a complete blank on deposition day. Now I am remembering things, a couple of major things, that both help and hurt my case. At first I thought, my goodness, early onset dementia? Alzheimer's? (I'm 47 with no significant family history). Now I'm thinking it was 19 years of gaslighting by a cluster b. I've been reading a bit and all articles state that being a victim of long-term abuse, in a constant state of walking on eggshells, can result in actual brain damage (the hippocampus actually shrinks!) and of course memory loss.

What the hell?

Has anyone else experienced this? I am deeply troubled by it. There is one major issue in my divorce that could have really helped me on deposition day if I remembered it. Good news is I answered "I think, blah blah..." I have since realized that I KNOW it was something completely different (and it proves stbx lied about said issue. It was something he claimed wholeheartedly over the years and stated as fact, so often and so emphatically that I began to believe it... Even on deposition day.) Anyway, I now have a witness who's going to testify that said issue is the complete opposite of what stbx claims.

This freaking guy damaged my brain. I really do have a shit memory about a lot of things. Oddly, I remember every vivid detail of traumatic events. All of the other everyday gaslighting just blurs into oblivion... And I still feel like I don't know what was real and what wasn't. When I look back, which I have done a lot these past few weeks, I just feel a general sense of confusion. Almost like I was drugged and didn't have my wits about me for 19 years.

No offense, but I'm hoping to hear someone else has experienced this. My lawyer has reprimanded me on my poor memory a couple of times, and it makes me feel like crap. I know where she is coming from, but I really am doing the best I can and I don't know why my brain doesn't work the way it should.

I really can't wait until I can put all this behind me and truly move forward.

26 comments posted: Monday, July 19th, 2021

Would you date someone with an sti?

I met someone a few months ago who immediately put me in the friend zone because I'm still married. I respected that, and we've maintained loose contact since then. We did a hike a few weeks ago, and grabbed a bite another time. We text sporadically. Still completely in the friend zone, and no butterflies on my end. My head is just not there. I'm completely consumed with my divorce.

That said, he is very handsome and has his life together. Last time I saw him, he disclosed he has HSV2. Got it 12 years ago from a woman who did not disclose to him. It came out of the blue and I was not expecting to hear something like that. I'm thinking he told me so that I can have the full picture going forward. And I'm thinking that means he finds me attractive and is not opposed to possibly pursuing something later on down the line. I told him that I really appreciated his honesty, especially after the marriage I had.

I don't judge anyone based on a status like that, especially after going through what I've been through and having two STI scares myself. I also already carry hsv-1, which 9 out of 10 adults do at my age. Same damn thing, really. I've also had unprotected sex, and apparently I've just gotten lucky with other STIs. And I realize that condoms don't prevent all STIs, including this one. The fact that he disclosed said much to me about his character, and I admire him for that.

I don't know him well enough to know if our personalities would do well together in a romantic relationship, and I am months out from being legally divorced, and even further out from being ready to date again. I've just been rolling this over in my head. I would never want to reject somebody based on something they didn't have control over; something that says nothing about their value as a human being. Total abstinence is the only way to protect yourself from getting HSV2, and for most (I think) adults that is just not realistic. So I would hate to exclude this man because of that when he is a decent human in every respect (and super cute! 😁. Then there's the other side of me that has been through so much, that I just don't know if I can handle picking up something I don't already have, and the future dating limitations and stress that would come with that. The good news is, I don't have to decide anything anytime soon, possibly ever if he ends up meeting someone.

There are schools of thought that say you are better off knowing somebody has something, and avoiding activity on certain days, than you are going out there dating and rolling the dice with someone who doesn't disclose, or someone who has it and doesn't know.

Part of what is giving me pause is that my trust in men is zero right now. I would not want to risk an STI with someone who's just going to ghost or betray in a few months, or years. But if he was the one for me, I mean THE one, with solid character and integrity, I wouldn't want him to get away because of a non life threatening skin condition. An annoyance really. I would rather be with a good man who has hsv2, than a shithead who is negative.

Thoughts? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 2:24 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

26 comments posted: Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Fireworks show grand finale

This is what my divorce feels like right now. Explosions happening all over. Another explosion going off before the others are finished. And then another. Trial is set a few weeks from now. Numerous Court hearings and more depositions before that. And another (USELESS) attempt at mediation. One of the hearings is because stbx is refusing to provide his latest financial discovery. As if that's a choice he has. I have to pay for a (bleep)ing hearing for this.

I knew it was going to be this way. This was one of the reasons I dreaded filing. I knew standing up for myself (after years of "tolerating" his abuse) was going to set STBX off.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but I may eventually, just to vent. The latest: My own attorney has had to hire 2 separate attorneys to represent her; one personally and one professionally. She destroyed stbx in deposition a few months ago. He is now going after her as payback. He's trying to have her thrown off my case and ultimately disbarred. She has even installed cameras around her house for extra security. She believes he is having her followed.

I couldn't make this up if I tried. I'm trying not to look too far ahead (as in, even when this is over, he will keep me in court for years and years appealing and appealing and appealing). I'm taking deep breaths and taking it one step at a time. Watching what's left of my savings dwindling away. I cannot compete with stbx financially, and my long-term concern will be that he will simply outspend me and I will have no choice but to make a decision, not in my best interest, based on finances.

I know some of you here have dealt with extremely disordered exspouses. Any support from those who have been there... Tell me I will get through this, and that the money isn't that important...

Oddly, I still feel very peaceful. I'm just so tired, and I'm starting to lose sleep. Waking at 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. every morning, and not being able to get back to sleep. Disturbing dreams. Last night, I was back in my marital home, with the new owners, and walking around my old neighborhood. I remember every vivid detail. I woke up feeling extremely sad. How the fuck did I get here. Why the fuck did I marry this asshole?

Thank God for my children. Even if I walk out of this penniless, I will never regret my beautiful children.

Pity party anyone?

He isn't going to break me. I'm not the Bleep he married. F him.

121 comments posted: Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Fostering shelter animals

Does anyone here have experience doing this? I adopted my last rescue mutt 3 years ago and have been toying with the idea of a second pet, either a dog or a cat. My kids are begging me. I'm just not ready to commit to another animal for a lot of reasons.

Dd12 and I were discussing fostering last night. I told her we would be saving a life, but that the animal would not be ours and we would have to give it up once it found a permanent home, which would be difficult. The last thing I want is a house full of broken hearts. On the flip side, I don't want a bunch of foster fails either!!

Pros? Cons?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:32 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]

14 comments posted: Thursday, June 10th, 2021

Serious medical complication, advice needed

Hi everyone, I've been commenting on other threads here and there, but I haven't made my own post in quite some time.

DD12 revealed to me that STBX is battling cancer. He and I communicate very little. He is generally overly dramatic about every aspect of life, including a biopsy he went for a couple of months ago. Since then, I've heard nothing about it from him, except that he went out of state for a surgery and is undergoing "therapy." (He's had lots of orthopedic surgeries, so I assumed this was yet another one.) It seems I was mistaken because he had a mass removed from his lung. Which I guess means lung cancer?

All I have for medical information is Google, and based on what little info I have, this could be grim for STBX.

I felt a bit sick at first, then I cried driving into work the next day. I don't love him. I stopped loving him a long time ago. It was more just an emotional release because this feels so heavy. I'm thinking about my kids, and what this could mean for our lives and our future. A swirl of crazy emotions.

We have some serious court dates coming up in the next couple of months. I guess what I need advice/info on is twofold:

1. From SI medical peeps, what do you know about lung cancer? It seems that 8 out of 10 times it is found later stage and prognosis is poor. When caught early, it's 50/50. Does that seem accurate?

2. I've already notified my lawyer. Our divorce is supposed to be wrapping up later this year. What do I need to hammer down in writing in the divorce, keeping STBX's health in mind. Whether he is here and very ill, or if he is no longer here, what financial safeguards do you recommend for my kids and me?

The past year (pandemic, etc) has felt like the Twilight zone... And with this news, things just get weirder and weirder.

Getting way ahead of myself, in typical Bleep fashion, even though stbx is a douche, the prospect of raising my three kids alone is frightening. Am I even up to the task... As if I have a choice.

Thanks all.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:24 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]

53 comments posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021

I deleted all social media. I'm free!!

Early yesterday morning I manually deleted every post and photo (after saving the photos to the cloud) from my social media accounts. They are set to permanently delete in 29 days. I can't describe how free I feel. I made sure everyone I wanted to stay in contact with had my number. Most already did, so I was able to just quietly leave. As I scrolled through my friends list, I realized there were many I had no interest in maintaining relationships with in the real world. What does that tell me? Social media can be an absolute time sucker.

Back to living in the real world! I'm ready to lose the anxiety and keep up with people the old-fashioned way, not like voyerism with filters and the like.

All the craziness of 2020 has driven me to go back to simple things. I feel really good about this.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:19 AM, November 15th (Sunday)]

20 comments posted: Sunday, November 15th, 2020

Things are finally moving

I haven't been around much lately, as I've been busy with a new job and the long hours of training. (All good things!)

After multiple delays, depo's are happening starting tomorrow. I'm not too worried, as I've played it straight from day one. The most free man in the world is the one with nothing to hide, right?

WH will be deposed Thursday. That will be rough. This will be the first time he is called out in mixed company for his abhorrent behavior. It will be impossible for him to cluster B spin it.

Then next week, a hearing to protect my personnel file at my new job. (WH, who had been adamant about my returning to work, is now trying to discredit me and get me fired? I'm not even attempting to figure this out, beyond that it is simply an attack on me...for a change.) How dare I move on with my life.

This week will be ugly in some ways, but progress is good.

I'm tired you guys. Send whatever mojo you can. Thanks

I'll try to update by this weekend. I'll be working remotely during off business hours, after divorce stuff, to not lose ground with my training and finish on time. My employers are totally working with me, and I am so grateful. It'll be a long few days. Keep pushing, Bleep.

30 comments posted: Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

It finally happened! A married suitor. Oh what to do....sigh

I received a "like" on my dating app. And thanks to some kindergarten level Google sleuthing, I found him on Facebook. He is 12 years older than he is claiming to be. He is also happily married to what appears to be a lovely woman. He is currently in my neck of the woods, and she is back home in the Midwest caring for their medically compromised daughter (what a low life PIG!!!) I found all of this out inside of 60 seconds.

I have screenshotted his entire profile.

I found his wife's Facebook page and her LinkedIn. I also have an unconfirmed street address out west.

Alright expert SI peeps, what do you think is the most reliable way to contact her? I plan to send her the screenshots (undeniable proof), and I don't want them to get lost or end up in an unseen folder. I prefer to remain anonymous since even her husband doesn't know who I am, and he is local to me. I still have a fake Facebook account from post D-Day. I might even have a fake LinkedIn...

Any suggestions?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:55 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

33 comments posted: Tuesday, April 14th, 2020

Do as I say, not as I do. Onward!!

I'm usually the loudest voice to tell members here to take time to heal after heartbreak before dating again. But f*** it. I'm diving back in. I've lost decades of my life to cheaters already. Not one more minute.

I took some updated photos of myself (using my tripod and cell phone) and updated my OLD profile. (I also updated my Facebook profile pic. Which I hardly ever do. And never with a photo of my face. I got a huge reaction, because the photo came out great and nobody is used to actually seeing me, lol. So I got plenty of ego kibbles for myself and external validation which I normally don't give a shit about. I'll admit, it felt good in the midst of my heartbreak.)

Anywhoo... I reactivated my dating profile, and again it was like jumping into a shark tank. And yes, the same platform exSO is on, so I know he has seen me there. Good.

(Funny story, when I put in my search parameters, I get like 50 results in a 50 mile radius. 2 are ex SO and his best friend. The other 48 look like serial killers.)

A good friend met her boyfriend on Facebook dating. So I tried that. I've had two very great texting conversations with two men, and have lined up a date with each of them for this coming week.

Resilience. A positive side of surviving infidelity. Definitely taking it slow and not looking for anything serious. I'm just not going to sit home and cry into my coffee mug while SO is trolling, and has been for months.

Yes breaking my own rules, but I don't care. Mehhhhh.... And not caring, that should be a good attitude to go into dating. Meet people and have fun. I'm done being sad. I've been sad for years and years and years. No. More. I'm. Done.

Cheaters can bite me.

That is all.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:52 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

15 comments posted: Wednesday, February 19th, 2020

Is this a DDay??? SO issues...

I'll give you the backstory and I will attempt to be fair on all sides and not view this through the sensitive lens of a formerly traumatized BS.

SO and I met on OLD 9 months ago. He was my first (and last) OLD first date. He's been dating on and off for years. On our 3rd date, he described himself as a rule follower and serial monogamist. He said he dates one at a time because he doesn't like to lie. I called myself the same. Nothing has ever given me an indication that he is not what he claims to be. He keeps his word. Shows up on time. Is a complete gentleman. Does not sell himself or talk about what a good man he is. His actions show that. He is physically affectionate and tells me everyday that I am beautiful. But he does not lay it on too thick. It's classy and a good balance.

We have not exchanged I love you's. (Although I've been feeling it the past month or two, for sure) We have not had "the talk" about being exclusive or deleting our dating profiles. I hid and deactivated mine a few months ago as I knew I liked him and didn't want to be bothered with other men distracting me. I told him I did this and I never asked him his status, even though I occasionally wondered.

Within a few weeks of dating, he introduced me to his family, adult kids, grandkids, in-laws, and closest friends. he incorporated me completely into his life and I had every reason to believe he thought of me as his SO. I introduced him to my parents and a few friends as well shortly after. We spend the night with each other at least once a week. We really only see each other when I don't have my kids and his work schedule allows. Usually no more than twice a week.

He has not yet met my kids, as I told him a couple of months ago that I wanted to make sure we were on solid ground, and that we were both ready for the fallout from STBX. He had never asked me about it, and agreed to go by my timeline. A few nights ago I told him that when my sister comes to town in a couple of months, I think that would be an easy casual way to introduce him to the kids, as he would be meeting my sister, and we will have been dating almost a year by then. I told him that I wanted to incorporate him into my life. He was completely on board and had no issue with it.

He is comfortable going into his phone right in front of me and scrolling through his text logs, showing me photos. He is always where he claims to be and often sends me photos of the mundane places he is (tire shop, his couch, out with a buddy). He is definitely a nerdy personality and not your typical smooth operator. In fact, he is a bit socially awkward at times, and we have both joked that he and I might be on the spectrum. As we have weird quirkly similarities about bright lights, noises, and scratchy fabrics.

Which is why I was completely blindsided early Saturday morning when a close friend called me and told me that SO messaged her close friend on our dating app. Introducing himself saying good morning. They went back and forth a bit and he described his life. Definitely him. Definitely the words he would have used. He was not hacked. It was just dumb luck that my friend was there when she got the message, otherwise she never would have known.

I was out of town when she called me, so I told her to have her friend arrange a date with him as he knew I was out of town. He said he couldn't that night because he had plans with friends (truth), but went on to tell her his days off from work and give her his personal phone number. She never responded. This morning he messaged her good morning, and again she didn't respond. She's removing herself, now.

Now admittedly I'm a complete OLD newbie. I was on for a hot minute before I left. SO has been on for years and years. Even if this wasn't a DDay, I feel he should know after 9 months whether or not he is sure about me. Either way, this hurts like hell and I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I've had an awful knot in my stomach for 48 hours. It feels just like D-Day. I have forgotten how bad that was. I went dark and haven't texted him until a little while ago when I returned from my trip. A benign good morning (he works nights). Followed by a little small talk. Then I told him I needed to steal some of his time when he gets a chance. There are things on my mind I want to talk to him about.

I already bounced this off of a good male friend who is an online dating veteran. We both had the same idea. Play dumb and give SO the chance to lie to me. If he is 100% honest, then there is a chance we are just sucky communicators (admittedly I have held back due to my terrible marriage) like maybe everybody is supposed to have "the talk." I feel like he has held back as well. And if he lies, well then that's that. Lies are a deal-breaker. I don't plan to tell him what I know or how I know it.

We are meeting tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to screw this up by approaching this the wrong way. Help me, you good people. My stomach is in knots and I don't even know if I'm thinking straight.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:42 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

97 comments posted: Monday, February 10th, 2020

There are no accidents

As I'm sitting here scrolling through SI, reading a lot, and posting a little, I had a realization.

4 years ago today, my STBX went on a 14-hour drinking binge, and took a fistful of prescription pills, and came home essentially psychotic. He terrorized me for 45 minutes, and I thought he was going to kill me. I jumped out my daughter's bedroom window at 2:30 in the morning and ran barefoot in my pajamas down to the main road and called 911 on my cell phone which I had hidden in a pillowcase without him knowing.

This morning, I spent my first day volunteering at a local charity which benefits victims of domestic violence. It was my first step in taking what I've learned and paying that knowledge forward. I hope and plan to one day work directly with victims. Today was the first step.

I hadn't even realized what day it was until just now.

Sometimes God and the universe just know... And make sure you are exactly where you need to be.

I just wanted to share. We are all on the right path, even in those rabbit hole times (and I've had many) and are going to be OK.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:12 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

19 comments posted: Friday, October 4th, 2019

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