Newest Member: Chickenhawk

MalibuBayBreeze

You have to be phenomenally twisted to tell someone you love them when you don't even respect them enough to be faithful or honest. Where there is no conscience there are no boundaries.

It's been a while

Hello everyone. I have been reading here now and then but haven't posted in a year, and not really sure I should be now to be honest. I needed to step back a bit. I do see many of my SI peeps are still here, and I want to thank you guys for all the support you gave me, especially in my early days and months here. I don't know how I would've survived without you.

Last month marked 5 years since D Day. Where on earth does time go? In a way it feels like yesterday and in others it seems like a lifetime ago.

I won't go into the details of my dope opera, those who have been here a while know it well enough.

I have reached the point of acceptance. In the beginning I would get very upset upon hearing that word, taking it as reaching that stage, that mindset, meant I accepted what my WH did and was at peace with it. Not so much as I have learned.

Acceptance, to ME (and any following thoughts, beliefs or conclusions are based on my own feelings because infidelity is not a one size fits all experience) means I have accepted my marriage never was what I hoped. What I wanted. What I tricked myself into believing. I accept it was flawed almost from the start. I accept the fact my self esteem was rock bottom which enabled his narcissistic treatment of me. I accept that he never really loved me, because a person cannot engage in a LTA and love their spouse, it's two opposite ideologies. I accept that I no longer have the feelings for him I once did. When speaking of him to those who know (yes I'm still married to him God help me) I refer to him as my roommate because that's what he is. There's no relationship here. Honestly it feels like we're both stuck with each other. I fake it in front of certain people who don't know, but with the Covid shutdowns socializing took a nose dive and acting as if everything is ok isn't necessary as much.

My life is going through changes right now and I am trying my best to cope. My mother's dementia has worsened, and she is a shell of her former self. It is not easy to watch her wither away and not remember what was said moments earlier. My best friend, the one I mentioned often as being my rock, is moving to another state next week. Aside from the fact she is like a sister, I have known her for 25 years, and we hang out together a lot, she has been my biggest source of support throughout this journey. Other friends didn't come close to matching her level of commitment to helping me. Yes we can message and call each other and eventually visit one another, but it won't be the same as being able to call her and say "WH is being an asshole and before I snap I need to get away" and being able to see her. I have had close friends but she has been with me through the heartbreak of a shattered marriage, illness and other stressful issues. Though a move is planned for us as well, I hate the fact she and I won't be near each other. Friends like her don't come along every day.

I've been spending a lot of time alone, continuing to heal. Let me say, that 2-5 year timeline for healing that's so often mentioned is a huge under estimation in my opinion. I don't believe it will ever fully happen which is another part of my acceptance.

There's so much I did wrong, so much I wish I could change.

The hysterical bonding phase is one thing I'd love to take back. How insane it now looks to me. Yes, it is very common among newbies and I now look back with disgust and contempt that the phenomenon even exists. Think about it, they cheated, they had all the feels and good times, get busted and then have amazing sex with their betrayed spouse. So wrong, even though at the time it felt so right. I get mad thinking how I humiliated myself by allowing myself to feel that primal instinct of wanting to reclaim what I believed was mine. It was stupid, even shameful, but it was the result of being neglected for so long and believing naively that we were reconnecting.

I wish I had not believed that our marriage, which was torched by his LTA, could be rebuilt into something new, different and stronger. Hopeful delusion is how I see it now looking back, and an enormous waste of time, energy and effort.

I wish I had believed everyone in those early, mind numbing days when I was told the ball is in my court. I held all the power. I did, but when you've been in a long term relationship with a narcissist who controls everything down to the penny (literally) I couldn't see that. I had no cash on hand, no access to funds, and was a stay at home mom. I thought I was screwed. Let me tell you newbies or lurkers who may be reading this, you best believe you hold the power no matter how broken and devastated you feel. Don't make my mistakes. Your WS is scared shitless of what you are going to do and lots of thoughts of what they stand to lose are running through their heads despite how callous or nonchalant they may seem.

So even though I am still with him, I carry on my days without him. He works nights now and our schedules are opposite from each other so I barely converse with him. I don't tell him anything, don't depend on him for emotional support, and have detached as much as I can while living under the same roof. Is it how marriage should be or how I ever imagined it to be? Hell no, and I really would've loved a life partner and I crave the simplest things like being held in someone's arms. I cannot and will not ever again expect or hope that he has the capacity to be empathetic, genuine, or give a shit about anyone but himself. I have accepted that I cannot change who he is, even though I have changed so much.

In the early days I felt like I was not good enough. That he and his MOW were involved in something so many people are doing and that there must be something wrong with me for believing in monogamy. What they were was two incredibly deceitful, selfish people who perhaps should've wound up together. They truly deserve each other.

I have a lot of regrets, but a new chapter is about to begin with changes looming, and I hope to make it one that makes me happy. It's what I'm about now, me. My journey. My happiness. It really is what it should have been about all along.

Finally, after everything he did, the years of cheating, gaslighting, discarding, devaluing and neglect I still sometimes can't comprehend how he was able to do it all and still sleep at night. Despite everything we learn there are some things that are still hard to believe.

15 comments posted: Sunday, April 25th, 2021

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