Me BS (54)
FWW (54)
DDay 3/10/2015
Married 30 years, together 34
2 kids, college and grown

What was lost, even with a successful reconciliation

We are a long way from the D-Days. I found out about an EA when I discovered her plan to make it physical. Then as the trickle truth that went on for a long time (years) I found out about PA's that never included intercourse, but did include giving some BJs.

We have addressed her issues. She was emotionally neglected as a kid (and adult) by parents who had not emotional intelligence and enough trauma for many lifetimes. She suffered from chronic depression. fWW has gone to counseling and is on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I have done some cleaning up too. I am not as much of a workaholic, and have changed jobs, so I am happier and more present. (Not that any of this was my fault). Life is really good. I am certain she is no longer flirting or doing the behaviors that got her so sideways with our marriage. It should be great right? And it is. She is a better partner, friend, lover, you name it. We travel and hang out, we have a great time and we are starting to plan retirement in the next 9 or so years. Because there was no divorce and because we did not have to dole out a lot of money being separated, we are in a great financial spot. We will have enough income to replace our pretty strong salaries when we are in our early 60's. Sound awesome, right?

But as I followed her into work this morning (we drive separately to downtown because I do leave later than her in the evening)I started thinking about what was lost. What we will never get back.

I know she can betray me. I know she has said vile, rotten things about me (mostly untrue or exaggerated) to other men to gain their sympathy. I know she chucked her vows to get a fix of feeling "wanted". And it was just that cheap. I know she was willing to get on her knees and put another man's dick in her mouth without any thought of the pain she would cause anyone else. Including me. I will never get back the innocents of a secure marriage, even though I am sure that she will not do it again. I will never have that fairy tail marriage I thought I had. Two kids who met at the end of high school who went to the same college and got married after college and had great kids, great careers and a loving marriage. 95% of that is true. But she was a serial cheater for so many years. She was not my friend, partner or lover all the time, even though I stayed faithful, and worked my ass off to give my family all that we have now. Its just hard to process that....

Do I wish we did not reconcile? No, not at all. Did it come with a price? Yep. But that price would have happened if I did not reconcile too, and that price would have been more that the one I am paying now, with splitting our home, paying for child support, paying lawyers, all that crap. Even if I had dumped her, I would be left with the knowledge she did this. But sometimes, you just need to take a look at all that was lost when she decided to self-medicate her mental issues with someone else's dick. I guess the only thing that give me any solace is that I know that now that she is healthy, anytime she thinks of what she did, she feels gross, and dirty, and she feels a ton of guilt (and shame). If she knew then what she knows now, none of this would have happened. Thanks for reading, I needed to get this off my chest.

75 comments posted: Saturday, October 16th, 2021