Raging right now!!!
I am 7 years from dday 1. It took years to pull more and more details from my WW. About 3 years after dday 1, I believe I got most of the truth, as much as any of us get.
Over time, I’ve slowly stopped checking on my WW (emails, text messages, etc.), as I felt we had turned a corner. I will say, my WW has done some work when it comes to R. She’s done IC (after an ultimatum), she has established boundaries with men, she has checked in at points when she feels I may be needing it. So far so good.
One thing that has always bothered me is two fold.
1. She spent time with a friend of mine while I was working (this is many years ago, prior to marriage). After dday, my eyes were opened and I remembered back to this time in our relationship. I saw a lot of smoke….and I brought this up to my WW after dday. I told her that I believe something had occurred with this friend. She denies it fully. Now, there was one instance of "phone sex" or mutual masterbation that she told me about many years ago, basically called me crying telling me what had happened. This should have been my first red flag. I was mad but at the time, didn’t feel it was that bad. I now know better. So, I’ve cut this person from my life a long time ago but my WW is still connected with him on FB. I have asked her over the years and most recently around the pandemic, if she had had any communication with him. My WW said that she hadn’t talked with him for years.
Today, I decide to check her Messenger chats. I search for this guy and there is a convo from the early days of the pandemic. A couple of back and forth messages, then stopped.
I see the last message (6 or so months after the last message) from him, that said "had a dream last night and you were the star of the show". There was no reply from my WW, or any further messages were deleted, who knows.
I lost it when I saw it. I messaged her and asked her to check her messages and asked her to explain the last message he sent and given that I believe there was more to her initial story, to explain. She replied that she didn’t respond to him at all, that she knew exactly what I was referring to and that she ignored it because she didn’t want to engage him. She tells me she is being honest and didn’t delete the message to demonstrate she wasn’t hiding anything. She went on to say "I’ve had zero contact". I pointed to messages in early 2020 as contact. She said nothing since these messages. She never told me he reached out in early 2020 and I KNOW I have asked her a few times if there has been any contact.
I got a bunch of "I’ve been 100% honest, haven’t deleted anything, I’ve lied in the past to you but I didn’t lie about contact". This feel like gaslighting to me. I am not the same man I was 7 years ago. My eyes are wide open, and I know my WW is capable of doing terrible things.
2. She had a male friend that she had known before we met (we were HS sweethearts) that continued until about 6 years ago. I wasn’t ever threatened by this guy but during her PA in 2012, there was a period where she did spent a lot of time with him. After dday, I brought him up and said I feel there is more to this than what she told me. She maintained that they never had any physical contact, ever. Dday 3 comes along and she admits that she propositioned this guy dozens of times over the years but he never took the bait. I find this to be hard to believe. Why wouldn’t a single guy take what he could get, I mean, she was basically throwing herself at him.
I’m just so tired of this sh!t!! I believe a poly is in order. Maybe a poly will back up what she is saying. At the very least, and if she were to pass, I would have something more than her word to base my feelings on.
She is at work and I am WFH and so I haven’t been able to sit with her to really discuss this. I’m at the end of my rope with this crap. I feel she might agree with doing a poly, then end up with a parking lot confession. Fine, if that’s what has to happen for me to get the truth so be it. I will have some huge decisions to make if she isn’t honest with me. Don’t give a sh!t if it’s embarrassing for her. Tough, she brought this on, not me.
Thanks for letting me rant a bit and wanted to get some feedback on this situation.
18 comments posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2022
Infidelity is everywhere…..
When I went through my dday nearly seven years ago, I was fortunate to have a good friend of mine going through something similar, so we were able to bounce things off each other through a difficult time for both of us. He suspected infidelity in his 20+ year marriage breakdown but never really had any evidence. His wife just up and left the family one day. I found out about my WW’s A’s about a week after. Going through this really brought us closer together.
He has since remarried and has been going through issues with his new wife. She has alcohol issues and has since day 1. The alcoholism has been getting worse and worse, and seems it has come to a head.
I met with him Saturday since we haven’t seen each other for 3 months or so. We spent a great day just catching up laughing about our past together. We spent a lot of time discussing how his relationship is going. It isn’t going well.
I gave him advise I would expect he would give to me and I left letting him know to call me anytime, I’d be there for him.
Well, I woke up Sunday AM to a social media post (from him) posting about his marriage being over and how she is cheating. He did mention to me (Saturday) that she has gotten physical with him while she was drunk and I immediately thought of SI, and said "make sure to record any interactions so you protect yourself". Even said consider installing cameras in the home to document your interactions so she can’t claim DV. I don’t think she would pull this kind of stunt but you never know and better to be safe than sorry.
All I can do is be there for him. He’s going through a bunch of other crap too at the moment and I know how debilitating infidelity can be. I feel so bad for him, infidelity is truly everywhere
12 comments posted: Monday, June 20th, 2022