Newest Member: Definedbygrace


BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

5 years

Yesterday, was 5 years out and that feels like a true milestone.

I can say that I feel like I have recovered from the affair.

I no longer have intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares or mind movies about the affair.

I enjoy many forms of media that touch on the subject of infidelity without an adverse reaction (movies, tv shows, books, podcasts etc).

I no longer dwell on the events or wish things were different.

I routinely visit places that I used to go to with the OW and do activities that we did together as friends without a second thought. Those memories are mixed in with so many new experiences that they have faded almost completely. They don't cause me pain to consider.

I don't have an issue trusting new people in my life. (This was a large issue in the early years of recovery).

The affair doesn't come into my mind most weeks. In fact, often times months pass and I don't think of it. When it does come to mind, it upsets me maybe 1/10 times. It's more like a passing fact - like the fact that my beloved granny died years ago. The fact is still sad, but it doesn't make me sad the majority of the time.

On the occasions when I do feel upset and would like some support, my partner has no issue with discussing it in whatever depth I wish to do so. Our discussions are calm, centered and based in respect and understanding in care.

I consider myself in the process of healing. I have lingering physical effects from the trauma (an autoimmune disorder lying dormant was activated by the stress, per my doctors). The impacts of my condition will be life long, but I have made

Sometimes I will find myself depressed without knowing why and when I investigate I realize that it is a date from the affair. This happened this week, I literally forgot DDay. I was chugging along doing all the things, making plans, etc and out of nowhere I feel very down. When I told my husband I was really sad but I had no idea why, he was the one who reminded me what the 25th was. I bounced back to normal pretty quickly (literally the day after the depression hit, it lifted). I'm sure that body-led emotional reaction with no attachments to thought patterns is something I will address with my therapist.

We both say we are back to a happy marriage with a healthy amount of trust. I trust my husband to handle himself respectfully and with good boundaries based on the consistent actions, attitude and growth I have seen from him over the past five years. But more importantly I trust myself to uphold my own boundaries and do what is most healthy for me if he proves that trust wrong. I no longer make excuses or doubt my gut - if I have a question, I ask it. If something feels off, I address it. My husband is transparent, brings up concerns and has changed careers all in an effort to be the kind of person he wants to be (rather than the one that he was).

Our daily life is pretty normal (as normal as it can be in 2021). We both have fulfilling jobs and personal hobbies at home plus we have some fun hobbies that we do with the entire family. Our boys are both teenagers and so we have been having a lot of fun playing cooperative games and learning new skills as a group. We spend a lot of time 1:1 including date nights (planned and spontaneous) but we also just like to spend the night on the couch listening to music or watching something together.

I love my husband, without any qualifiers. There are no "but" statements silently in my mind when I say it. I'm proud of the marriage and the life we have built out of the ruins. But really I am proud of myself. I have come a long way since the person I was in 2016 even before the devastation. I am changed in many ways, some bad, some good but most ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING. I am the most authentic and least fearful version of myself and that is the best revenge.

There are links to Years 1-4 in my bio.

14 comments posted: Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Hillbilly Elegy

Since the topic is closed, I decided to start a new one to say: as a person who grew up in Appalachia, the book reads exactly like what it is, the slightly condescending narrative of a man who never lived there but did visit his granny there for the summers. He doesn’t back up anything with data and he can’t quite back up his conjecture with lived experience because he was a visitor there, an outsider.

If you would like to read something accurate, well researched and well written that actually represents that part of the country please pick up What You Are Getting Wrong about Appalachia by Elizabeth Catte.

0 comment posted: Monday, June 28th, 2021

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