Newest Member: makEre89


Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years. D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW). 5 years (and two kids) into R. Happy.

iphone tips and tricks (for monitoring your spouse)

I saw a tiktok or something recently that was showing off some lesser known features of the iphone, some of which I thought would be helpful for those who monitor their spouse's phone for signs or confirmation that they are (or are not) being faithful (or at least doing what they say they are doing). I'm no tech expert so I'm sure there are many more, feel free to share your own.

1. See who they are messaging. Go into messages and create a new message. In the "To:" box, type the plus (+) sign. A list of the most recent contacts will pop up (apparently this works regardless of whether the messages have been deleted or not).

2. Recently deleted messages. On the Messages homescreen there is an "Edit" button in the top left-hand corner. CLick it. A menu will pop up, at the bottom is a button that says "Show Recently Deleted". Press that. Up will pop any message chains that have been deleted in the past 30 days (and have not been "double-deleted"). There is an option to recover them or delete them (I'm calling this double-deleting as it appears that once they are deleted from this trash bin, they are gone). If your WS knows about this and is careful, this trick may not be useful, but even careful waywards get sloppy sometimes.

3. Frequently Used Emojis. Go into messages and create a new message. In the text box press the emoji icon in the bottom left of the screen. On the far left will be a list of "Frequently Used" emojis - I have no idea how this list is populated becuase for me it tends to be made up mostly of recently used emojis, but anyhow, a screen of emojis will come up for you. If there are any that seem out of place or raise flags you may wish to do some more digging. Pre-d-day I had been on my H's phone and seen the eggplant emoji in his recently used emojis. Having no reason to question him, I joked "who are you sending this to??" Sigh... I wish I would have dug.

4. Screen time. This didn't exist when I was a new BS but I wish it had. It allows you to see when your spouse is using their phone and what they are doing when they are. Go into Settings. Click "Screen Time". You will need to ensure that screen time is enabled. If it it will have a box at the top showing the daily average time usage (haha yikes - mine is high). Underneath that is an option that says "See All Activity". When you go into that you can see which apps (and even websites if they are frequently used enough) they are using on any given day, as well as how many minutes they are spending on each. You will have some idea of whether your spouse is doing something they should not be (I'm thinking secret dating or messaging apps, a lot of messaging that is not otherwise accounted for, etc).

0 comment posted: Friday, January 27th, 2023

Tiny little pizza legs

When I found out about the A, my husband and I were childless and I had been trying to get pregnant for about a year, without success.

On D-Day, after the initial confrontation, i remember sitting by our back window and processing what it all meant. I got really quiet (I’m shockingly calm in a crisis), and I started to think out loud about what this meant for our lives. I remember turning to my husband and commenting, "I always pictured us having little kids and taking them up the mountain and teaching them to ski, with their tiny little pizza legs….. I can’t believe we’re not gonna get to do that…." My husband, realizing the gravity of it all, dropped to his knees and whimpered, "I wanted that too…" and he put his head in my lap and we both cried together about the loss of our marriage.

Today, almost 6 years later we took our 4.5-year-old and 2-year-old skiing. The little one wore a harness held by my husband, but was so proud to be doing it. My eldest, whose only fear is not being the fastest on the mountain eschewed the pizza legs in favour of bombing straight down and stopping only when she tipped over. She was buzzing the entire trip home. It was a good day. I am so incredibly grateful.

18 comments posted: Sunday, January 1st, 2023

Reverse Trigger

So the other day, I asked my husband to grab something out of my wallet for me as I was cooking dinner. He did, and in doing so he commented, "Do you know you still have this old hotel key card in here? Do you want me to throw it out?" The key card was from a hotel chain (think, the Four Seasons) that we had stayed at during a weekend away together several months prior. I guess I had shoved it in my wallet for safekeeping and forgotten about it. The whole thing was a total non-issue for him.

It got me to thinking that if the tables had been turned and I had found a hotel key card in his wallet, it likely would have caused me to question things. Even though I knew we had stayed in that chain of hotels several months ago (and therefore there was a perfectly reasonable reason for him to be in possession of such a key card) we live in a city where one of these hotels is located just down the street from his office building.

Basically, I am afforded the benefit of the doubt and he is not (despite having given me zero reason to suspect him of doing anything offside in the past 5+ years). It weirdly made me feel grateful. A kind of reverse trigger, if you will.

Anyone else?

2 comments posted: Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

Pop-up ads

For the past two days, when using the site from my phone I’ve been getting pop up ads that cannot be minimized and interfere with my ability to see most of the text on the page. I absolutely understand the need for ads but this is making the site completely inaccessible. Is this a permanent change? Does anyone know?

7 comments posted: Wednesday, June 29th, 2022

Where do we begin: We Started As an Affair

At the risk of bringing on the bi-monthly Esther Perel hate session (seriously, not interested - I can find the podcast interesting without agreeing with everything she says).....

Did anyone else listen to this recent episode of Where Do We Begin? It's about a couple whose relationship started as an affair. They had dated in high school and lost touch, 20 years later both were married (with children) to other people and reconnected on facebook, left their respective spouses, and had recently started living together and were adjusting to the reality of their new lives together. He had left his wife and his kids and moved across the country to live with her and her children and one of their issues was parenting differences and his difficulty maintaining a relationship with his children in the circumstances (one of those circumstances being his angry ex-wife). I imagine the episode might be pretty triggery for anyone whose spouse has left to be with the AP, but I did think it was an interesting listen if for no other reason that it sheds light on the fact that when APs get together, it's not all sunshine and rainbows forever - they enter their new relationship after throwing an actual bomb in their lives and the fallout is experienced (by everyone!) during their honeymoon period.

EP actually pushed back on them a bit when they got to the narrative of their A - she corrected them that their first boundary cross was not when they got a hotel room, but when they first gave themselves permission to cross a line. In discussing their A, they both unsurprisingly spouted the "I was unhappy and deserved to be happy" narrative that we are all so used to hearing - the guy actually noted that his wife wasn't happy either (so it was almost like he was doing everyone a favour rolleyes ) and she pointed out that there was clearly a strong element of cognitive dissonance that was going on (no one likes to think of themselves as a bad person, so the story they tell themselves is the one that paints themselves in the best possible light).

She also (subtly) tells the guy to cool his jets when he expresses concerned that his kids aren't getting on board with "moving on" as quickly as he'd like and noted that their decision to divorce their spouses had wide-ranging impacts on more than just themselves (I think her words were that there is an entire community of people who have a stake in the plot). This part really hit home for me because it's something my own father has spouted quite a bit over the years when he wonders why the relationship between him and my siblings is strained (my dad left my mom unexpectedly when I was in University to be with his AP - they are still together - albeit unhappily). He seems to think we should just get over it (even though it has hardly ever been discussed) simply because time has passed (in fairness, its been 20 years). I don't really know what he expects - we have always been polite/civil with his AP and if anything, she has been the one to act immaturely at times (for example, she left my wedding because she felt awkward being around my mom's sister, who obviously doesn't think much of either of them. She also insisted that my dad miss brunch with me the next day because SHE felt uncomfortable).

Ugh.. he also mentions that his kids don't talk to him much (hmmm....wonder why??) and he has to hear about how they are doing from his ex-wife who "puts it in the most negative light" - like she's saying it to hurt him versus just naming the obvious fallout to having your dad pick up and abandon your family. Hearing him talk about this so dismissively is just soooo wayward.
He also mentions a conversation he had with his father about his choices, and his father mentioning that anything that happened with his kids after this, he would be blamed for and EP notes, "oh like, anytime they go to a therapist for the rest of their life they will mention how their dad cheated on their mom...." and you can tell that never even occurred to him. He was more like, oh no, their mom will blame me for anything that happens with them - whether its my fault or not.

Obviously not a groundbreaking statement... but waywards sure are selfish, aren't they?

19 comments posted: Thursday, June 9th, 2022

Alexithymia - Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions

Administrative Professionals Day is coming up and my husband's workplace is planning some sort of slideshow or video to thank/show appreciation for the support staff in the office. The people organizing this have reached out to my husband to ask him to write a little appreciation blurb for the staff that he works with. These are people that help my husband out daily/constantly. He is endlessly grateful to these people. So all in all, not a hard assignment, right? Wrong.

My H came downstairs this morning (we are both working from home today) and begged me to help him write this 3 sentence paragraph with him because he's been putting it off all week and needs to get it done. This kind of thing is his worst nightmare. He's a very smart guy and a good writer, but the man would would rather write a 7 page technical report than a single paragraph expressing his emotions. It's not that he doesn't have emotions, he definitely does. He just really struggles to identify and talk about anything other than "mad, sad, frustrated or stressed." Talking about other people's feelings can be difficult for him too - he is able to sit there and nod in agreement or express empathy when someone is talking about their feelings but loses his words or gets nervous when it is his turn to share.

This has always been an issue for him. We had joked about it pre-D-day. It really became apparent post D-day though - MC and IC was a struggle at times. It was also a problem because his A came on the heels of him having a lot of overwhelming stressful/negative feelings due to various life events that he never really worked through properly. In short, he felt like garbage and instead of coping in a mature and healthy way, the A was a really shitty, selfish, attempt to emotionally self-regulate. As a result, we spent a lot of time working on identifying and expressing his feelings post-A. It's still something that he has to work at though - in a way that would never have occurred to me had I not witnessed it with my own eyes.

This morning after I had quickly dictated some sort of blurb for him expressing appreciation for his various staff members, he thanked me, gave me a sheepish smile and jokingly wondered aloud, "I wonder if I have some sort of disorder or something." Out of interest, I googled "difficulty identifying and expressing emotions" and came up with articles about Alexithymia. It's not a disorder or anything, a "sub-clinical finding" and my husband probably wouldn't be considered a severe or even moderate case or anything, but a lot of it (certainly not all of it) fits. Obviously it doesn't change anything and I'm not looking to pathologize him, but its interesting to see it written out in plain terms. Does anyone else here have any experience with Alexethymia or a person that exhibits these sorts of traits?

ETA: Before anyone asks, he's nowhere near the autism spectrum and isn't a sociopath or anything like that. He is extroverted and has no difficulty making friends.

11 comments posted: Friday, April 22nd, 2022

5 years

Today is the 5 year anniversary of D-day for my husband and I. 2-5 years seemed unimaginable back then, both because it was SO LONG, but also because the hurt was so bad I couldn't imagine it ever not being there. I think I was 50 % healed at a year. Maybe 75% at 2. By 3 I was 95% of the way there. At year 4 I forgot entirely. I'm not sure when I healed, but I'm healed. I wouldn't think about the A most days if I wasn't regularly posting here. It doesn't hurt me the way it used to. Now it's just a thing that happened.

I texted my husband to remind him when it occurred to me this afternoon. His response:

Ugh... f*ck. I'm so sorry honey. I love you so much. How are you feeling? Sometimes I can't believe I did that. I mean, I know I did, I am just ashamed to have caused you that much pain. Thank you so much for sticking with me. I didn't deserve that and I am so, so grateful for you and our family.

When I didn't respond right away he called to make sure I wasn't upset. I wasn't - I was busy with work. I told him he was right, he didn't deserve me back then. I'm glad I stuck around though. He does deserve me now.

9 comments posted: Saturday, February 12th, 2022

A Christmas Miracle!!!

Tonight is my husband's annual work holiday party for work. Because my husband and his former COW still have the same employer, they are both invited to attend. It is a spouse free event.

The first two years pre D-day, my husband simply did not attend. Year 3 he did as I felt comfortable with where we are and I was tired of "letting her have" these spaces. As with every other work event they have had to attend, everyone kept their distance, he texted me throughout the night to make me feel comfortable and it was fine. I have zero concerns there is any ongoing A or contact that is not absolutely necessary. Last year, due to Covid, it was a non-issue. This year, I gave my H the go ahead again months ago - he was in charge of organizing a portion of it this year. At the time, I kind of figured OW would not be attending as she is on mat leave after having twins this past fall, however my go-ahead wasn't contingent on that. Unfortunately, he let me know a few weeks ago that he had seen her name on the "yes" RSVP list. He confirmed I was still okay with his attendance. I was.... mostly.

I guess I've triggered lately as tonight has approached. Triggers are far more low-grade this far into R I suppose. Intellectually, I know I have nothing to worry about but yeah, I have been thinking about OW and the A a lot more in these past few weeks than I'd like and it kind of sucks. I haven't posted anything about it because a) I am truly not actually worried; b) I know I can handle it (I had plans to have a fancy cocktail and bougie takeout after my kids are in bed tonight and let myself feel sorry for myself); and c) every time I post about my situation, someone inevitably shoots off some quick insensitive/ unhelpful remark about how my husband has to quit his job immediately or that I should ask to get OW's DNA tested even though everyone has been happily in R for almost 5 years. (So if that's your instinct here, please just scroll on by!)

Anyhow, my husband texted me a screenshot of an email he received this morning which indicated that OW had cancelled last minute because she is sick. Yay!!! A Christmas miracle!!!!

1 comment posted: Thursday, December 16th, 2021

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