First Post over here
Hi I'm really looking for some insight. I have been in active R for 4.5 and seen some real insight and progress with WH. But he has violated wayward boundaries on a couple of occasions in the last 6 months.
There was several years with nothing like this. This past 9 months or so he has suffered major trauma from his old job. And I have stood by him. But I think this is partly key for acting out and reverting to the old way. No excuse just trying to understand the situation for what it is. He did IC in the past and last violation he said he would see an ic again but didn't follow up.
Anyway this last violation was pretty major. It was a well known deal breaker. And as a result I've just shut down.
I feel numb. I feel nothing. I'm usually emotive and reactive intense I pursue resolutions and give demands and conditions although admittedly in the past couple of years I stopped that and handed it all over to him. And I've stopped accepting certain things but also stopped trying to "fix" certain things.
We were in a good place in the relationship when he decided to violate this boundary. He was acting out due to unhappiness in his new job. He stated lack of feeling in control wanting to act out wanting to cause chaos and feeling comfortable in the bad guy role as well as feeling "something" when there is a drama going on. He totally recognises all of this is unhealthy. But he hasn't seemed to break the cycle.
Anyway back to me
I'm trying to figure how I know to trust this numb done feeling. Is it my body shutting down to avoid further trauma? Or is this the end of the road no more angry no decision made emotionally its the finality of being finished?
Did you know? Did you fear you would regret s/d? Was it easy to trust yourself?
I cant picture my next move as I deep down don't want either option... but I think I am so done with the trauma and situation he keeps putting me into. I no longer am willing to enter into that cycle. I feel very differently looking at him I feel.pity. I love in a caring and pitiful way.
[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 12:41 AM, June 11th (Friday)]
23 comments posted: Friday, June 11th, 2021
I shouldn't be surprised
So I posted here about how my wh was acting besotted with me. And how I struggled to trust it. Well he was working away (he has opted out of this but sometimes forced) first time this year and he broke another boundary. A major one. So my instinct was right not to trust the face value of how he behaved towards me and instead keep watching the actions.
He has put a sustained good face on it. But the consistent boundary breaking is also consistent its not frequent. But its there.
Unlike other times before I am not angry or hurt. It's all on him. He's very open to accepting all responsibility and fall out he's desperate not to lose what we gained and how much of me he won back. But its gone already. Not a conscious decision just naturally detached.
Hw very much is open to being in a place yet again where he presses a self destruction button and he knows how to do it for maximum effect and impact although the fall out isn't what he wants he obv feels drawn to the drama and trauma of that type of situation. He knows its ingrained in who he is and I'm collateral damage. But he also realises he can't keep hurting me. Our family and himself. Yet here we are in the midst of another self implosion...
He feels this difference. I feel the difference. This time I don't care. I cant feel anymore. I'm numb. I don't know if my body has shut down to avoid further trauma and upset. Or if its truly end of the line I'm done. But I have an eerie calm around me. Where I don't feel rushed to put a decision into motion.
He seems to be realising where I'm headed and whilst he really protests it and says he can't just give up he also accepts he can't keep disrespecting and hurting me so will give me what I want to S/D
Feels like it might be the best time to do it.
Day at a time until I've figured it out.
I'm so sad for my boys. But I think over the last 4.5 years I've grieved enough for us.
[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 12:00 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]
10 comments posted: Wednesday, June 9th, 2021
How can he be besotted with me?
Increasingly in the past couple of years during 'good phases' my wh just appears besotted with me. Even if I don't reciprocate or encourage it. He uses verbal, physical, acts of kindness and service to show this, he goes out his comfort zone. It often feels all too much to be put on a pedestal. And often it just reminds me or makes me think is this how he viewed or acted with AP and it just makes me want to repel it. I think hes genuinely feeling these things and his actions feel genuine. But it really makes me think of what he did far more than when we are just coasting along.
He has had issues along the way. I won't pretend he has done everything I need. But he is persistently turning corners with different things. Rome wasn't built in a day. And I certainly won't be skipping off happily ever after just yet. But if he really feels all these things how could he have done it? It makes me so suspicious of his actions and how to receive and perceive them. I dont think its lovebombing or trying to detract from anything hes up to just now. It happens usually when I'm doing well and he sees the "old me" more and when there's little upset in the way of life stresses. He finds it easy to turn everything towards me.
It should be lovely to have alot of appreciation and attention and made to feel I deserve the world and mean the world to him. Yet I struggle to do that. I struggle to enjoy or appreciate it without questioning it or going down the rabbit hole of that unhealthy attraction to an ap. I am not an AP. I have always been true to myself and lived by high standards. What he says isn't empty,they are true statements. Yet I can't accept them?
[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 1:48 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]
19 comments posted: Wednesday, May 19th, 2021
What a year its been
So started off exceptionally well we had our baby and life was really enriched for it. Genuinely feel that he has kept me going at times.
We passed 3yrs of dday without me even realising. Passed anniversary or it starting without realising. Had weeks maybe months of not thinking about the AP which is progress as she really interfered with my healing and our R due to games even finding me here. I can now post without caring.
But of course this year was sent to test us all. Covid hit and the isolation was difficult but it gave us alot of time together and we were doing really well.
That wasn't enough so 2020 threw more at us. My WH had a horrible time recently where his whole life and career was thrown into turmoil. Due to someone else's lies. And I in part hold him and his behaviour partly responsible for how the whole thing unfolded, although innocent of the real issues. But feel he left himself open to the situation due to his attitudes and behaviour. I was able to prove there were lies but the damage was done.
Moving on from that has forced further self awareness and work.
I again had to be the stable reliable rock for him. While he brought drama instability and trouble to our lives. But he had a moment of clarity. Other people/someone else had tried to destroy him. They had lied and they had deliberately tried to cause trouble for their own gain and how much he hated them. That loss of control and feeling of violation and betrayal. It was a moment of clarity what it must feel like for that betrayal to come from someone who's supposed to love and protect you. Think he suddenly had a head spin moment of how do you ever get over that?
In addition he said I have a newfound understanding why I can't stand the AP and now knowing the pain I felt why each of her nasty actions caused so much hatred towards them both. How her intentions and deliberate attempts to cause further pain just makes her utterly deplorable.
It was good in some sense he had to experience an injustice, betrayal and pain and all uncertainty in a way. But unfairly I had to go through it all again as well.
Funnily enough it wasn't as traumatic for me. If anything good I can take from it is how much more resilient and stronger I am.
My husband was in a very dark place and without me I dont think he wouldve come through it. He genuinely researched taking his own life. And only my intuition and interception of it woke him out of that mind set.
I saw him with a newfound view of his vulnerabilities. He saw them much more clearly than he had done before. He really was exposed with his weaknesses and he had to pick himself up from rock bottom while hurting and feeling insecure and unsafe.
Luckily supporting him he came out of it pretty quickly he changed jobs and has new opportunities which hew enjoying with better money.
He hasn't forgetten it though.
He seems to have a renewed passion for me and my worth and value. He isn't taking for granted what I've done and think he had a deeper appreciation for giving him a chance at R. For giving him more to live for. He seems to have a deeper emotional appreciation for life.
So here's hoping 2020 has done all the damage it can offer we are all excited about Christmas and what's to come. And in a few months it will be 4 years since D-day. A milestone that seemed impossible. But this year has made the affair pale in insignificance for good and bad reasons but come through it together.
4 comments posted: Monday, November 16th, 2020