a "WE" problem
WH is going out of state to help a family member with a construction issue. He’s used visiting family out of state as cover during his LTA. So this is a trigger point for me. He’s been upfront, transparent, even used speakerphone to make all arrangements with the family member to put me at ease. I have no worries that anything inappropriate is going on or will happen. With the trip fast approaching, I’ve been having bad trigger symptoms – can’t sleep, horrible anxiety, overly quiet.
The other day, WH noticed my withdraw, pushed and I unloaded – not in anger or venting. Calmly talking but explaining how all this affects me - him legitimately doing something that he’s used as cover many times before. He did mention tracking on his vehicle and phone, etc. I flat out responded he’s not a teenager and I’m not interested in having a 2 legged pet. And in reality – the tracker would only tell me where his vehicle and/or phone is. Not where HE is. I said that’s false sense of security at best and a level that I have no interest in monitoring at this stage in the game.
He went on to explain how he’s not that LTA person anymore and not in that LTA headspace anymore and elaborated. I agreed and appreciated. I told him I KNOW that but I can’t pick/choose my triggers or how/when they will affect me. I said sometimes it just sucks to be me and that’s ME problem for ME to deal with.
WH said no, this is a WE problem and for US to deal with. Y’all – that stopped me in my tracks and totally disarmed anything I was going to say. Because…in the moment…that’s pretty much the BEST thing he could have said and the BEST approach he could have taken. Yes, I told him all this.
I’ve been better since.
9 comments posted: Friday, January 20th, 2023
Over the weekend WH band played in a well-known large club. I didn’t know anyone there and was just hanging out at my table watching them set up and organizing set lists chit chatting small talk with other patrons.
One dude comes up to me and asked if he could sit his drink on my table [hello Ben Franklin effect]. Then began the small talk type chit chat. Then…the conversation went like this.
Random Dude: thanks for letting me set my drink on your table, can I buy you one?
Chaos: no thank you
Random Dude: so…you like the band huh?
Random Dude: have you seen them before?
Random Dude: That singer keeps looking at you, so I better make my move now (wink wink)
Chaos: that singer is my husband
Random Dude: Hey – I’m married too. But my wife and kids live in [insert another state here] and I’m on assignment. It gets lonely, so I come here on weekends. I was hoping I’d make my move before he did, but I didn’t know you were married-married
Chaos: [loud enough for others to hear] I feel sorry for your wife
Random dude moves to another area and stays clear the rest of the evening.
I think the thing that surprises me the most is that I’m still surprised things like this happen routinely.
8 comments posted: Monday, December 12th, 2022
Anyone else lose friends as a result of Reconcilliation
Few people know of WH LTA. Of those who did, early on after DDay 1, one invited me over for a drinks and crying fest. WH encouraged me to go. I did and it was helpful. For hours, I cried and raged and cried and held my head in my hands. I was offered comfort, wine and support. I was offered a plan and resources for D.
I choose for many reasons to try to R. And...in doing so...lost a long time friend. When I left there I felt the vibe. That if I kicked him to the curb I'd be embraced with support and assistance. But in attempting to R...I was met with coolness and distance.
Any attempts at socialization were shut down gracefully. If we found ourselves at similar events, there was politeness but that's about it. Over the years I have mourned the loss. WH and I even talked about it the other week. That he was sorry it happened but also angry on my behalf that I pour my heart out to someone who wanted to be there, only to get shunned for my decision.
Years have passed. Things are going well in the Land of Chaos. And I run into this person in the grocery store. It looked like a reunion - running down the isle, big squeals and hugs. Few minutes of catch up chit chat. We realized that we'd both be at the same event in a few weeks. More chit chat and girl talk. When we went about out shopping she said she'd see me at the event. I said why not sooner - let's get together for coffee or lunch and catch up. And there it was...coolness and a graceful decline.
I can't say I was surprised or even disappointed. I wasn't sad or heartbroken. But I felt a confirmation of sorts. Like I'd always assumed but now I knew. It was a sorrowful moment, a little bit of melancholy. But a type of closure.
I came home and told WH. Who was surprised she didn't try to hide. And he felt sad for me when I told him of her dismissal of my offer to catch up. I said, now I know. And as sad as it is - this is just a harsh side effect. The tentacles of infidelity are long and far reaching.
But I can't help wondering if I am alone. Has anyone else lost friends due to their decision to stay? It seems when it comes to friends, Camp Kick Him to the Curb is full of supporters. But Camp Reconciliation is a lonely place with few members.
7 comments posted: Friday, October 7th, 2022
Birthday Triggers in the Land of Chaos
This is my birthday month. And I wish I could hibernate until it is over. I hate my birthday. I never used to. But I do. I don't remember my birthday following DDay1. It was still so very much a blur.
My birthday before Ddays 2/3 is the one that haunts me. It was a milestone birthday. WH and I were rebuilding. I thought we were doing so good. It had been 14 months since DDay1. My actual birthday was midweek. WH went all out. The weekend before, he arranged a trip for me and 3 good friends to the beach. It was my first girls weekend ever. It was magical. The week after he threw me a huge cookout with all my friends and family. And arranged for a few out of towners to come in for it. It was another magical day. In those 2 things I felt like I'd reclaimed myself. I felt special again. That word reverberates. Special.
Then...a few weeks later - BAM! DDays 2/3 where I told OBS. And in sharing information with him, I realized the weekend I was at the beach - LTAP was all in a snit because WH wanted her to come into town that weekend and she couldn't due to plans. Our then teen said Dad was a grump all weekend but I thought that was just because he had to assume all household and parental responsibilities and face it - those are no fun. The following weekend, the day after my magical party - WH asked if I minded if he went and watched the games with friends. How could I refuse? I was still floating on the high of my magical birthday festivities and truly feeling like his grand gestures were all for me and his way of showing his love. He let me go about packing up all my leftovers for him to take to the event all the while thanking him for restoring my faith in him and our relationship. While telling him how special he made me feel again. And how I'll never forget such a perfect celebration. He took my leftovers and his lies and holed up in a hotel with LTAP.
Since then - I've wanted nothing to do with my birthday. I pretended it didn't exist and mandated he do so as well. I just had didn't care. I went through the least amount of motions I could when he and the girls got me cupcakes and cards. I cried myself silently to sleep.
Last year it was an argument of sorts. He wanted to do something for me and I said no. I stayed in my cocoon. He asked why I wouldn't let him make things up to me? I calmly [and that surprised me] explained that I did. I did let him make it all up to me. On that milestone birthday I thought was special and magical. And all the while it was a bunch of subterfuge.
So, with this date fast approaching, I find myself filled with anxiety again. I find myself fueled with the conflict of wanting my cocoon yet realizing that just ins't practical. I find myself resenting the fact that I have to pretend to be happy for everyone else who wishes me a happy day. You can't respond by saying "f*** my birthday". You can't scream from the mountains "if you really cared you'd pretend it didn't exist with me"
And you can't reclaim something you tried to reclaim and it just served to f*** you over [or at least I am no where ready to do so].
WH asked me this morning how I wanted to celebrate as it on a weekend this year. I flat out said I wanted to pretend that it didn't exist but know that really isn't practical to do so. So just understand I have to pretend to be gracious to well wishers knowing all the while each time is another dagger to my heart. I told him I didn't say this to be cruel or rub his nose in it all - but he needed to hear the truth. I realize that puts him in a no-win situation and frankly SI, I really just don't care. I'll stoically accept whatever he, our kids and our friends want to do. But how I wish I could hibernate until it was over. How I wish that the date could be obliterated from everyone's minds. How I wish that day on the calendar just disappeared.
I'm not even sure of the purpose of this post other than to get it all out there. And hope that in some way purging my system of this to those who may understand is helpful in its own right.
I know this sounds horribly selfish and a serious lot of "first world problems". So if you are still reading, I thank you. I can only hope the typing of it all out helps me as much as I hope it will.
15 comments posted: Monday, September 12th, 2022
My first U.T.I.
Gah! 53 years old and I have my first. And I don't like it. I drink my 64 oz water daily, I exercise regularly [with varying intensity]. I eat balanced. And I got my first UTI.
Any helpful hints from those who BTDT?
Pants and shorts are NOT my friend Good thing it summertime because maxi dresses
& sun dresses are my friends.
PS - as this is SI, I'm sure y'all know the "panic" when I realized something wasn't right down there. I am happy to report that I told WH I made an appointment to get this checked out and why. That I think it may be my first UTI but I'm not going to sit and wonder - or to to Walmart and try to self treat. He looked at me and gently said "I'm sure your mind is racing, but I promise you a UTI is the only thing it could be" I thanked him for the reassurance and understanding and told him I did google for my own curiosity. And given history, all testing must be done. He sadly understood but wanted to offer reassurance.
I am happy to report - it us a run of the mill UTI and the practitioner said if I've lived this long without one - I should count my blessings LOL. However she also complimented me on mentioning my fears and concerns and coming in when I did no matter how scared I was. Many women have caused themselves more problems [and some lifelong] by not being honest with their doctors or themselves.
8 comments posted: Sunday, August 21st, 2022
I bought a Kayak
WH and I got kayaks. We wanted to do that for a few years, but stupid budgetary responsibilities LOL.
So...we got them over the weekend and can't wait to use them [my vest had to be ordered - as I'm built like a Modern Day Marilyn - I need a vest designed for a woman - those unisex ones weren't butting it for me].
Anyway - kayaking SI buddies - give me some tips! We live not far from a local municipal park that has a 300 acre reservoir.
For reference is is the Pelican Bandit NXT 100 which is supposed to be good for beginners. She's blue (because they didn't have the pink). And she's beautiful. WH got one as well but that is designed for fishing.
I need a name for new kayak. I'm working on accessorizing her.
I'd love name suggestions as well as tips, tricks, helpful hints you all may share. Looking forward to gliding along the water and letting my mind go blank except for the peace and tranquility.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022
Healing from Infidelity
By Michelle Weiner-Davis
“The divorce busting guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair”
My new IC recommended this book to me today. I have downloaded it to my Kindle.
I’ve been seeing her due to PTSD due to LTAPs cyber stalking and attempts to get back with WH (a Cease and Desist letter had to be sent recently).
Anyone read it? Thoughts?
2 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021