Newest Member: Definedbygrace

Chaos

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

Grooming for potential APs

Just have to throw this out there – because I’m still miffed about it days later.

When out and about at a concert at a smaller venue this weekend I had the following experience:

WH was up front close to the stage and I hung towards the back (more his music than mine) close to our group's table, a dude came up to me and asked if I’d watch his drink while he went to the rest room. I didn’t think anything of it as bad things can happen to a dude’s unattended drink too. And I’m firmly in the "never leave your drink unattended" camp. He came back in a few minutes, retrieved his drink and thanked me. Then told me he asked me because I was the prettiest girl in the room. I thanked him for the compliment and then took a sip of my own drink (water) with my left hand so he could see that I was indeed wearing wedding rings.

The evening progressed and as I was settling up our tab during the last song (to beat the rush), the man approached me again. He asked if I wanted to go towards the back of the room, get a cup of coffee and maybe talk a bit and get to know each other. I looked him square in the eye and replied "my husband wouldn’t appreciate that". Dude said "I can respect that" and walked away. I muttered under my breath "bullshit" and a buddy of WH overheard it all.

WH buddy (who is a BS himself and actively talks of boundaries) actually said "good for you – it rare to find someone so true – especially when they don’t think anyone watching" I replied "that’s how it done. But I’m pissed off because he knew I was married – I’m wearing rings". WH buddy reminded me some are just out looking and that many women would have taken the guy up on it – either naively or otherwise. I’m sure that’s how a large portion start. I’m also sure this dude was a pro and had just enough success to keep trying.

I told WH on the way home. WH buddy told him the next day and was happy to hear that I’d already done so.

I’m still a bit miffed a few days later. I’m miffed that there are dudes like this out there that make such antics a hobby. I’m miffed that there are many women that would take him up on it. And I’m miffed that some are so naive that they may really think it is just an innocent cup of coffee while waiting. And then a potential contact attempt as you can’t have too many friends right. And then a nice meeting you type of communication. And then just more coffee or lunch. And then…yadda yadda yadda…

I was on to the guy. I shut it down. I’m glad the whole exchange was overheard. I’m glad I told WH and I’m glad his buddy told him as as well. I’m honored to have received the compliment of being true – even when I thought no one was watching.

I’m sickened that this is far more commonplace than I ever realized.

23 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Tales from a Unicorn

As many of you know, WH is in a local band. Great cover during the LTA as I was home being Mom.

While LTAP lives 6 hours away in another state – spent much of the LTA up in our area (where she grew up) under the cover of girls weekends.

Fast Forward a few years, I am able to join as Mombligations have lessened [teen is now an adult]. Now when he plays, I go as well. I’ve made many new friends along the way and really enjoy myself. I’ve also learned along the way a few people did know of the LTA but chose to do nothing. These people are no longer in WH circle of friends. But like many small areas, do overlap socially. They are kept at arm’s length.

Now – when I go to these places to watch, even if among friends, I don’t drink. I like my wits about me. For reasons such as this…

While on a dancing break, a person "in the know" [let’s call him "Jerk" in this little synopsis] struck up a conversation. And I quickly picked up on the attempt at a mean spirited jab. Here’s how I shut that down and walked away like sparkly unicorn boss.

Jerk – hey Chaos. You must be exhausted by people telling you how amazing you are. Sure you are beautiful, intelligent, strong . You are a whole package. A Goddess. Yet here you sit all alone drinking water turning guys down left and right.

Chaos – I know my worth, I know I’m a Unicorn, and even sitting alone am in good company.

Jerk – (dripping with condescension) So Chaos, what would you do if someone came along and cut off that unicorn horn [and mimes someone doing so]. What do Unicorns do without their horns?

Chaos - (thinks – you motherfucking bastard) but says : They go about my business of being a sparkly Unicorn. The person who cut off the horn would still be mean, and although holding the souvenir of them being mean, didn’t affect the Unicorn in any way really because a Unicorn just goes about the business of sparking and being a Unicorn. The person who cut off the horn is mean – and a fool. Because only a fool would think their meanness made any fucking difference.

Chaos – bottom line – the Unicorn would still be a sparkly Unicorn. The horn cutter would still be mean and a fool.

Jerk – Stared slackjawed for a moment, lowered head and walked away

And while this was a very surreal moment (worthy of an 80s standing slow clap) I sat a little taller. And later danced a little bolder.

Moral of the story - don't fuck with a Unicorn. Especially a Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn.

11 comments posted: Sunday, April 10th, 2022

Keys

I am currently sitting in my car ugly crying and laughing at the same time. Why? I can’t find my keys.

I had to return something at a store and while I was there got a cup of coffee and slowly wandered around. However instead of making me happy or calm. I started getting overwhelming flooding of memories and mind movies. No rhyme or reason. No distinct trigger. I know I have been having trouble the past few weeks since this is the anti-versary of the cease and desist. But there was nothing specific or reminder.

Then I’m remembering DDay1. As I’m looking frantically for my keys. You see I went to get STD tested and went to a clinic in a neighboring town. That way I wouldn’t have to run into anyone I knew or tell my GYN that I have been going to for decades what happened to me. When I went to leave the clinic I couldn’t find my keys. I was already crying but in a clinic that apparently is an every day occurrence. I don’t my purse all over the counter no keys. I asked to have the room checked the restroom checked etc. and while the staff was very helpful no keys. I finally went out to my car sobbing hysterically now. Thinking maybe I had dropped them and no keys. I open the door to see if maybe they had fallen out somewhere in the car before I put them in my purse and they were nowhere to be found. But I did notice a strange sound. Apparently I was so distraught I never turned the car off. I never took my keys out of my ignition. My car sat in that parking lot for over two hours running.

So here I am ugly crying because of the quasi-anxiety attack in the store for no reason and laughing maniacally because I ended up finding my keys. I was sitting on the whole time.

Since I was on SI anyway thinking maybe I could use a distraction and maybe post about the quasi anxiety attack and how it made me feel combined with a reminiscing of the D day one missing keys. I figured I would share my maniacal laughing moment when I realized I was sitting on them.

Do you things like this happen to anyone else? I can’t be the only one 😂

11 comments posted: Monday, March 7th, 2022

Almost a year from Cease & Desist

I have been out of sorts the past few days and only today realized why.

It is almost a year since we had to hire an attorney to send LTAP a Cease and Desist due to her fake profiles, reaching out, cyberstalking and trying to duplicate my life. Even the attorney nicknamed her Fatal Attraction.

And...I think she's still doing it, I just can't prove it. I've learned from the last communication from OBS LTAP is Hell Bent for Leather on some type of "revenge" against WH [for ruining her life] and me [for exposing - again and again and again]. Both OBS and I think it not IF she does it again, but WHEN. While OBS has told me she claims to have extreme hate for WH, he also feels she had/has a strong emotional attachment to WH. Love/Hate - both passionate emotions.

Part of me almost wishes she'd do something I can find/prove. Then I can act. In the following order:

1 - Inform Attorney
2 - Inform OBS
3 - Inform WH

Having this solid plan is helpful in a way. But it is also sad. Because I'm not sure what it would take to convince me I won't have to execute it.

I've learned a lot over the past year. Being cyberstalked is creepyAF. To know that between 2018 and 2021 she'd been doing it and I had no freaking clue. To know the things she'd done during that time to mimic/duplicate my life is scary. To realize she's probably still doing it is unsettling. To know she probably won't stop, I have no words for that.

I know this post is a bit disjointed. But so are my emotions right now. Hopefully the collective wisdom of SI can help me with this feeling.

9 comments posted: Sunday, February 20th, 2022

Dreams of her stalking ... again

The past few nights I've been woken up out of sleep by panic in dreams that LTAP is at it again.

I'm keeping a detailed journal [OK - spreadsheet] of them.

There has been no trigger or behavior from WH that could cause these to occur.

I've taken no medications that may cause them. I have not consumed alcoholic beverages.

I've tried all the at home remedies. Long hot shower before bed. Lavender oil/spray. Prayer/mindfullness. Breathing exercises.

And I woke up this morning feeling exhausted, heavy with my heart racing because all night last night in my dreams I was on the run from the hit man she hired all the while trying to gather evidence so I could go to the authorities.

I figure if I throw it out here on SI, to those who understand, I may be able to purge my system enough to "reset" the brain so to speak.

Possible triggers: this time last year she started, it took me until the end of February to find/prove it was her and notify OBS, early spring we had to have a Cease & Desist sent.

Anyone have success vanquishing these dreams?

2 comments posted: Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Best Holiday Season since my world blew up

The title sums it all up. I had the best Holiday Season I have had since before any DDays.
From everything before Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, days after, New Years Eve and New Years Day. I had an amazing time.

This is HUGE for me. This is the first time since I found out about the LTA that I have enjoyed any of it. I didn't have to put on a mask, paint my face or fake it in any way. I didn't even think about saying "fuck you" to the happy decorations, didn't feel that holiday store displays were mocking me and even voluntarily turned on some Christmas music and danced/sang along. Baking the cookies was a joy again. I wrapped gifts smiling and not like laundry folding part deux.

I thought about posting this under Reconciliation but realized - I think this is independent of that. This has to do with me. How I am feeling independent of WH or LTAP.

I wouldn't call myself healed [I'm not sure if I ever will be fully]. But I will say this is the first time in a long time I didn't have to fake any bit of it. This is the first time in a long time that LTAP didn't factor into my holiday [and she was relevant in 2021 as a Cease and Desist has to be sent]. None of that mattered. And I enjoyed it.

I wanted to put this out there. For those who aren't sure they will ever see the Light of the Season again - there is hope. And when it happens it will be when you least expect it.

10 comments posted: Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Glimmers

The other day I took ½ day off of work to do my annual hustle/bustle. Pre-LTA I loved going out this time of year to see the lights, decorations, festivities. I loved seeing the store displays and merchandise. This is something I loved doing ever since I was a kid. It brought me joy.

Since the LTA I went through the motions and forced myself to do this. I felt no joy. I’d do it but felt no joy. When I took my teen & her friends with me one year (before they could drive) I overheard her mention to WH "I saw mom walking around…she just looked so…sad". So I made sure my fronting mask was better in place from then on.

Last year – the combination of a LTAP reach out attempt and the various restrictions/lockdowns, there was even less joy – I ended up leaving in a puddle of tears.

This year – this year I found myself wandering around with a smile. I found myself chatting with strangers about upcoming festivities and products we liked and just general good cheer. I found myself interacting with anyone who wanted to interact. I bought some coffee and walked around and…smiled. In true Chaos fashion I picked up some new sparkly undies – because they made me smile. In previous years I’d done so out of sheer grit – this time I did so because it brought me joy.

So…driving home…I found myself feeling a little more full. A little more complete. A little more full circle. A little more…joy.

This is good I told myself. This is healing.

Now…yesterday evening, I felt the gray try to return and couldn’t figure out why. I managed to tell Lizard Brain to slow the f*** down. I tossed and turned a while last night. I didn’t know why I had this gray feeling after I had such a nice day at something I hadn’t in a long time. In the shower it hit me like a ton of bricks. My old friend Happiness Hangover was trying to sneak on in. But this time, I recognized it for what it was, asked it to leave and shut the door.

9 comments posted: Thursday, December 9th, 2021

Hypnosis

IC wants to explore this with me and my PTSD due to LTA and LTAP cyberstalking/trying to come back.

Anyone else try this and if so what are your thoughts? Did it work? Did it help?

2 comments posted: Friday, May 7th, 2021

Healing from Infidelity

By Michelle Weiner-Davis

“The divorce busting guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair”

My new IC recommended this book to me today. I have downloaded it to my Kindle.

I’ve been seeing her due to PTSD due to LTAPs cyber stalking and attempts to get back with WH (a Cease and Desist letter had to be sent recently).

Anyone read it? Thoughts?

2 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Connecting Songs

I see a few threads in other forums about various song types. So...I was curious - what are your go to songs for us that are in and/or attempting R.

I'll go first.

To Love Somebody - Bee Gees

There's a light

A certain kind of light

That never shone on me

I want my life to be lived with you

Lived with you

There's a way everybody say

To do each and every little thing

But what does it bring

If I ain't got you, ain't got?

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

In my brain

I see your face again

I know my frame of mind

You ain't got to be so blind

And I'm blind, so, so, so blind

I'm a man

Can't you see what I am?

I live and I breathe for you

But what good does it do

If I ain't got you, ain't got?

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

8 comments posted: Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Kayak

WH and I are thinking of getting them. We have been for a while. Now with our kids grown we have the time.

And I'm overwhelmed with it all - so many choices and options.

Don't want or need top of the line. We live on the East Coast [around the middle] and there are lakes/water within 20 min in any direction. I am a fair weather outdoorsgirl so if it not warmish - I'm not going.

WH is looking at a fishing set up. I'm just looking for something comfortable and practical. I want to enjoy some water, nature and experience exercise and peace.

Recommendations?

15 comments posted: Friday, April 9th, 2021

Inspirational Quotes

While talking to a friend the other day, sadly about a mutual acquaintance being busted for infidelity and how he's currently shacked up with someone levels down from his STB xBW, she said...

THE WEAK ASSEMBLE, THE STRONG SURVIVE

This resonated with me on every possible level.

What are some quotes that resonate with you that way?

8 comments posted: Friday, February 26th, 2021

A funny story about empathy

I’ve been teleworking a few days/week since the pandemic started. This change has created anxiety in my cat who’s on again/off again litter avoidance issues are back on.

So…I’m in my office and the cat piddles out of the box – just off the pad so it makes a mess on the floor. I’m shocked it happened right in front of me and exclaimed from my office “you b*tch – you f*cking b*tch”. WH from the other room comes running yelling “what – what happened – what did she do” and I’m pushing past him to grab the enzymatic cleanser and paper towels. I’m still grumbling and muttering under my breath and he’s trying to give me space but still help all the while saying “just tell me – I can’t help you unless you tell me what she did”

He finally gets to my office to find me on the ground moving things around and cleaning. When I saw him I said “she peed on my fucking floor” And he’s like “OH…the cat. I thought it was HER – and she’d sent something to you”. I look at him confused – it really took me a while to register what he was saying as I’m scrubbing cat pee of the floor.

And then – I laughed. Hard and fast. Until tears were running down my face. He was giving me empathy and I couldn’t figure it out. Then we realized we were both talking about 2 different things. And we both laughed. A bit awkwardly but laughter nonetheless. The Who’s on First of Infidelity speak LOL.

I went back to work a while and this kept playing out in my head. And I realized. There it was. He’s a fight or flight guy and his first reaction to my outburst [he assumed was about AP] this time was empathy. And it was nice. And I couldn’t stop smiling and chuckling over the miscommunication. His first swift and immediate reaction to my [perceived AP] outburst was empathy.

It warmed my heart. And I told him. And he smiled.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

And we danced

This weekend I was at a small gathering [in line with my area’s restrictions]. Music was played and people were dancing. I love dancing. Like no one is watching. WH and I danced. Then…. slow song came on. And we slow danced. And in that moment I felt good. I felt OK. I felt connected. I felt love.

But it was profound and it did hit me that dancing in his arms – I felt warm and good. Not staged. Not fronting. Not forced. Not pretending. Warm and good and natural and love.

Days later – it still amazes me and the feeling is still good. I haven’t told him yet. I should.

23 comments posted: Tuesday, January 26th, 2021

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