Newest Member: DrowningZombie

brokendollparts

Me 46BS Him 48WH Married 25 Y DDay #1 11/13/2017 DDay #2 1/22/2018 Attempting R since DDay #2

A cold sore ruined my day?

I was planning on writing a nice "4 year update soon" but something happened last night and now I’m in a spiral


H was getting ready to shower and I was looking at his face and I saw a weird whitish patch above his lip in the corner of the mustache area (for context my husband is a POC). I said "what’s that on your face?" He said "huh" and came over and sat next to me so I could look. At first we assumed he had an ingrown hair as those happen in his beard area a lot. He said "get your tweezers out" so I start examining it and it looked a little scabby and the more I messed with it, I said "this looks like a cold sore" I immediate became distressed. He has had cold sores in the past but I haven’t seen one on him in like 15 years I swear. He looked at it and said "yeah it does look like that" I immediately go into "stare at the wall mode" He takes a shower and comes out and says "so are we going to talk about this?" Because he knows what I’m thinking. I’m thinking he messed around with someone. He assures me as always that he hasn’t (PS we are the weird couple who stays on the phone basically all day because this is what has helped me feel secure) There was only one time I was off the phone with him last week for a couple hours while talking to my sister. Anyway, he gets on Google and starts looking up causes for cold sores and telling me but the whole time I’m just shut down. I didn’t sleep well, I still feel upset today. Am I overreacting? We did have Covid in January, he did have a stressful week with work last week due to Super Bowl. I just can’t get these bad thoughts out of my head. My main issue is I broke out with HSVG during his A and I had never had one in my life and I’ll never know if he passed it to me from AP or I already had it at it just surfaced due to stress. As a side note, things have been really good with R and I had finally felt like "maybe I can be a normal person again soon" so I really hate this stupid curveball. I don’t feel in my heart he’s done anything but I can’t stop feeling upset.

10 comments posted: Friday, February 18th, 2022

Unusual and maybe upsetting sexual issue

I will try to give a short synopsis for background. Before DDay#2 (which we call The Apocalypse) H was a porn addict. He would sometimes have issues in the bedroom (some due to excessive porn consumption and masturbation). After Apocalypse we did HB (before this we discussed him getting meds for ED and even brought it up to the doctor and got a prescription when he went to get STD testing after A). The first time we had sex he had zero issues and said "we didn’t need for me to take Viagra we just needed that connection" During subsequent discussions he admitted to feeling pressured to have sex on his days off and that when we fight or have conflict it affects him. Basically, I was into "make-up sex" and he wasn’t but never vocalized that. After apocalypse he didn’t have any issues with "performance", if he did I don’t remember (it’s been almost 4 years now). He also told me after me asking that he had performance issues with AP.

Ok so we normally have sex like 1x a week on one of his days off. He has a new route and has been working a lot more and with way more stress (all the employees of this company are it’s not just him). We did not have sex this weekend I’m not sure why but we did have a "fight" one day we also had a "fight" on Tuesday. Last night he initiated sex but was never "ready" I was trying not to overreact but he said "ok so that happened, what are you thinking?" I asked "rational or irrational?" And he said tell him "irrational" first. I said "you cheated on me again. You’re looking at porn" "you feel guilty about something" He said no to all of them. "Rational" was "you’re tired. You’re stressed" He admitted it freaked him out that his body wasn’t cooperating then he was worried I would flip out. I tried to just be calm but I slept terribly with nightmares and woke up still feeling confused and kinda scared. This is a new issue during R and I’m not sure how to deal with it.

11 comments posted: Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Triggering post on Facebook.

I happened upon a post about cheating in one of my FB groups this morning. I don’t know what made me go on ahead and read all the comments but it did. As expected 99% were "leave, once a cheater always a cheater etc.." The post got to my head and I started thinking "does this man who destroyed my entire being really deserve me???" I went back through all the ways he’s shown remorse, he’s definitely not "perfect" but I had been feeling he’s put in major work to regain my trust. What if it’s all a lie and I’m just a fool? We are nearly 4 years out and it’s affair season now but I still wonder, are all those people right? Did I make the wrong choice? In my heart I don’t think I did but seeing people say "run, they don’t change" really shook me up this morning.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Triggering post on Facebook

Accidentally posted in Just Found Out. Reposting here sorry.


I happened upon a post about cheating in one of my FB groups this morning. I don’t know what made me go on ahead and read all the comments but it did. As expected 99% were "leave, once a cheater always a cheater etc.." The post got to my head and I started thinking "does this man who destroyed my entire being really deserve me???" I went back through all the ways he’s shown remorse, he’s definitely not "perfect" but I had been feeling he’s put in major work to regain my trust. What if it’s all a lie and I’m just a fool? We are nearly 4 years out and it’s affair season now but I still wonder, are all those people right? Did I make the wrong choice? In my heart I don’t think I did but seeing people say "run, they don’t change" really shook me up this morning.

9 comments posted: Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Is masturbation “cheating”????

A quick background. H was a porn addict since he accidentally watched one of his stepdads VHS tapes when he was 14. He was a porn addict (though never acknowledged or admitted it) though our entire marriage. After DDay #2 we discussed the role porn played in his affair. After a lot of discussions he realized porn was unhealthy for him and for us in R. He agreed to stop completely. He also agreed to stop masturbating because it made me feel unwanted and the ties to porn/affair. He has two incidents where I caught him masturbating since. He’s dumb and does it in the shower and gets a dry spot since he’s not using proper lubricants. First (2019, about 1 year+ after DDay 2) time noticed dry spot during sex and he told me he had been masturbating in shower. It upset me and he agreed not to do it again. Second time I found his underwear under the bed and saw it had dried cum (again, dumb move buddy) I was hysterical and he admitted to masturbating next to me while I slept. I was LIVID and so hurt. Again, he agrees not to masturbate. So last year I noticed a dry spot again and I said "ok I’m not upset just tell me if you jacked off" he absolutely denies it but I feel in my gut he’s lying but I don’t exactly have proof. He convinces me to accept that it’s from drinking a lot more water and peeing more and "milking his penis". So we move on eventually but it never sat right with me.

For some reason I bring this up again last night, I tell him to tell me the truth and he admits that he had masturbated. He said he "withheld the truth" to "protect me" since he’s "put me through enough already". I ask him why he did it, he says "I’m a flawed human being etc" I’m upset. We talk more about it today and he just says "it was stress relief blah blah blah" I feel like this is a betrayal bu he acts like it’s no big deal. I say "if you can lie about that what else can you lie about?!!!" He assures me he’s not lied about anything. I’m really stuck. I don’t feel he’s being contrite enough, then I feel like maybe I don’t get to control if he masturbates? Am I being unreasonable??? He’s been pretty great in all aspect of R, it’s been a rough road but I will say he’s been good with everything. How should I proceed? Just forget it and move on? Be worried? I got so upset with him I left and am sitting in the parking lot of a grocery store at 8:30 at night. Please help me. I don’t know if I’m just being dramatic or what I’m doing.

23 comments posted: Monday, September 20th, 2021

I’m scared

So it’s been over 3 1/2 years and R has gone well in general. Two weeks ago I suddenly developed what I believed was a UTI (I haven’t had one in over 20 years) and I’ve also experienced 3+ weeks of bleeding from my period this month which is highly unusual. H and I had sex about a week after period started I was still bleeding but not profusely. Two days later I went to pee on the middle of the night and started having UTI symptoms. I called but my doctor could not see me so I did a telehealth and got some antibiotics which I took for a week and felt better. In the meantime I’m still having a heavy period. So I finish my antibiotics but UTI symptoms return in 3 days. I panic and call to get in with my PCP and went yesterday. I asked him to please do full STD panel on blood and urine. I’m in agony waited for results. My urinalysis results are in and they could indicate UTI as we suspected or could indicate certain STD’s and I don’t know if he ordered specific tests or is just going to interpret the results (I did email him and ask this today) H encouraged me to go to doctor and get STD tests because I’m always scared anytime I have any issues in the area and he always has told me go to the doctor. There’s a less than 1% chance he’s cheated on me again mostly because we spend almost every day on the phone and when he’s home we’re together 100% of the time. Not just this but we talk, he’s shown change and growth as well. I’m just FREAKING out about these tests and not knowing immediately. Am I overreacting? We discussed at length what my fears were (I said the times we aren’t on the phone you hooked up with someone in a vehicle) I mean that’s the only way because I also look at his map time line and keep tabs in other ways. Can anyone relate at all? I’m giving myself extreme anxiety over all this.

5 comments posted: Thursday, August 12th, 2021

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