Newest Member: Chickenhawk

gmc94

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

Editing posts - no quote or image buttons plus posting image issues

When I try to edit a post, the options for quote/bold/italics/img are not available.

Also, I can't seem to get images to work (I've used imgur in the past w/o issue... not sure what other free hosting sites are out there). My images are in my imgur account, but when I post them on SI, I get a box saying they aren't on the original server....

0 comment posted: Friday, August 20th, 2021

Life's riddles answered in film/tv....

I've spent a lot of my life's hours watching movies and post-Covid, a lot more TV.

Every now & again I come across something that really resonates. And I often think "I should start an SI thread about these little gems I happen across". So, today is the day.

This is one I saw on Ted Lasso (spoiler alert for those who've not seen Ted Lasso). A character (Rebecca) owns the soccer/football team that Ted Lasso coaches. She was awarded the team in her D from a serial cheating WH (with a penchant for the young uns). In a recent episode, she begins to date again, and there is this little gem:

It does make you realize how scary it is, allowing yourself to be intimate again. I mean, you really do have to be brave. And that's it right there, isn't it? I need to be brave enough to let someone wonderful love me, without fear of being hurt and without fear of being… Safe.

To me, this seems to synthesize so many feelings I've had post dday. For some, their WS are able to show the ways in which they can be "wonderful" again. And for others, the BS will need to explore what a post-D love life may look like. Either way, I think most BS know that some modicum of trust (not in a WS, but in the world and people generally) will need to be regained.

It ain't easy (or it hasn't been for me - I had trust issues LONG before my own dday). We build walls. Sometimes unintentionally (old lizard brain is really good on this front), sometimes not (aka "emotional detachment" ). But deep down, I know that I will have to learn to trust again. I will have to allow myself to be vulnerable. And I may very well be hurt. I have to stop fearing lack of safety (some say it's all a mirage anyhow).

So, today's mantra is: I need to be brave enough to let someone wonderful love me.

What scenes/lines are inspiring you this week?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:32 PM, August 11th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

10 comments posted: Wednesday, August 11th, 2021

No scroll bar w/in a thread?

Just noticed the scroll bar on the right side of the site disappeared in a thread.
I'm seeing it's still here as I write this post, but it wasn't on the last thread I was in

0 comment posted: Saturday, July 31st, 2021

No more simplicity or simplicity-like format?

I'm also having a font issue - I can adjust the font using that icon at the top, but that only makes the font smaller - not all the screens (I'm using a laptop, not a tablet). If I change my browser, then I can read SI, but every other page I open is tiny, so we'd have to be always switching back & forth on the browser's zoom function.

Is there a way to view all threads in a list like we had with Simplicity (which I assume is being discontinued)? Or even the non-simplicity interface (which IIRC listed all forums)?

When I click the link to use the old format, it takes me to accept cookies and a welcome page, but as soon as I click "forums", I get the new interface that requires clicking an individual forum to then see the threads (which also takes a ton of scrolling bc the text is huge).

ETA: and even when I adjust the font size w/in SI, as soon as I make a post it goes back to the larger/default size.

ETA again:
Also - I can hardly even get to this forum. Because all the text (not just posts, but the interface) is all so large and this is the last one on the dropdown, as I try to scroll down to it, I lose the dropdown bc it's larger than my laptop's screen.

Finally, there seems to be an endless "loop" on the accept cookies. As soon as I accept the cookies (or click the x to close that pop up window), I get returned to the new site. Then click the old site link, get the cookie acceptance pop up (again), click accept or close, and right back to the new site's landing page.

14 comments posted: Friday, July 30th, 2021

Complex Ptsd by Pete Walker

Anyone read this? My (trauma experienced) IC recommended it. ​

I'm only a few pages in, but wow!

One tidbit was basically that if the powers that be were to recognize CPTSD, the DSM would go from an encyclopedia to a pamphlet (which is similar to some of Van der Kolk's stances).

It's kind of blowing my mind... and ... there's something that feels a little "off" that I can't quite put my finger on.

3 comments posted: Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I can feel the resentment creeping in....

So, now that I have a steady job, I'm beginning to look at houses, etc.

First, the market effing SUCKS for a buyer, so a nice opportunity for anxiety

Today, I FINALLY called some realtor friends. Not a fun convo to say that WH and I are separating, and D is probably in the future, and I need to figure out what I gotta do to find and purchase a house. Something I've never had to do (WH owned our house before we met).

And man oh man, can I feel that resentment seeping into my bones.

Resent that he fucking blew it all up

Resent that R was never really an option, as working on fixing his shit has never been a priority.

Resent that I wasn't in a financial space to embark on this chapter until the market blew up

Just generally POd at the whole effing world.

ugh. I hate this.

I didn't get M to get a D.

14 comments posted: Wednesday, April 21st, 2021

Stan Tatkin Interview

Over the weekend I listened to an interview of Stan Tatkin on the Helping Couples Heal podcast. Tatkin has written several books, primarily about attachment. He also does training for IC on something called PACT (psychobiological approach to couples therapy), tho I don't think they spent much (any?) time talking about what that is or how it works. His website describes PACT as "a fusion of attachment theory, developmental neuroscience [the physiological basis for understanding how people act & react within relationships], and arousal regulation [moment-to-moment ability to manage one’s energy, alertness, and readiness to engage] "

One of the "biggies" for me was Tatkin saying (around 53:35 min) that:

The greatest prediction of a successful outcome in any betrayal case is the willingness of the victim [BS] ....to stand their ground. If they do not stand their ground, the prognosis gets poorer and poorer. Everything hinges on [the BS] saying "it's this or goodbye" ... they are unwavering and they are watching to see whether the [WS] is behaving in accordance to these ideas and these terms.... full stop. That changes everything, and that will bring anybody who is a wrongdoer [the WS] to their knees if they care, they don't want to lose the relationship and they will do their work. But everything hinges on [the BS] saying "you do it or you're gone"

Ms. Breecker chimed in, saying that the goal in therapy and in healing is moving the victim to a place of empowerment. That in order to move from being a victim and to become empowered, the BW "must be able to own that power and make their needs known"

Tatkin: "That's what attachment security is about.... otherwise the person can do whatever they want, living in a boundaryless world, which is bad for them [the WS]. We're not supposed to get away with everything."

Other things I picked up on in the interview:

"it's a matter of will. Not anything else. Will. How much do you want this. What are you willing to do to get it."

I tell the WS [who ask] what do I get out of all of this? "You get to be a better person.... that's gonna be your reward here.... you get to be smarter, wiser, more compassionate person... and a much, much happier person"

Anyhow, that first part (BS holding WS accountable) really resonated.... yet as I thought about it, a part of me got a bit resentful, thinking along the lines of: "so you cheat and now I am the one that has to be your fucking parent to 'hold you accountable' and stand my ground" kind of thing. I guess that's my own little personal pity party.

Anyhow, anyone else hear this interview? Read his books? I found it all very fascinating.

24 comments posted: Monday, March 29th, 2021

Stan Tatkin's books / Helping Couples Heal

Over the weekend I listened to the Tatkin interview of HCH's podcast. I thought it was very helpful, with several "money quotes" that I'll try and post about later. One of the "biggies" for me was Tatkin saying (around 53:35 min) that:

The greatest prediction of a successful outcome in any betrayal case is the willingness of the victim [BS] ....to stand their ground. If they do not stand their ground, the prognosis gets poorer and poorer. Everything hinges on [the BS] saying "it's this or goodbye" ... they are unwavering and they are watching to see whether the [WS] is behaving in accordance to these ideas and these terms.... full stop. That changes everything, and that will bring anybody who is a wrongdoer [the WS] to their knees if they care, they don't want to lose the relationship and they will do their work. But everything hinges on [the BS] saying "you do it or you're gone"

Ms. Breecker chimed in, saying that the goal in therapy and in healing is moving the victim to a place of empowerment. That in order to move from being a victim and to become empowered, the BW "must be able to own that power and make their needs known"

Tatkin: "That's what attachment security is about.... otherwise the person can do whatever they want, living in a boundaryless world, which is bad for them [the WS]. We're not supposed to get away with everything."

"we are talking about a set of behaviors for which [the WS] is accountable"

As I type this, I may post in general to relay my thoughts about the above, but also wanted to post here as the interview made me wonder if others have read any of his books and were willing to share thoughts.

1 comment posted: Monday, March 29th, 2021

Out of the Doghouse

Anyone read this? My WH's new CSAT suggested it. I'm listening to it and so far not finding much of anything to criticize, other than I get a tad irked by saying "in the doghouse" too much, and the imagery that conveys (to me, it's not so much in the doghouse as it is in a doghouse that you shit & pissed in over & over & over again, that stinks of the putrid lies and deceit of your selfishness... but something tells me that title may not sell so well )

Seems to be written in a pretty straightforward/informal language. So, curious if others have any opinions - a part of me wonders if this is just a more straightforward way of getting to the points of "Not Just Friends".

Maybe the BS blaming comes later, but about 25-30% through I'm not feeling it...

3 comments posted: Friday, December 27th, 2019

Carol (the Coach) Juergensen Sheets workbooks

Anyone done any of them?

Looks like she has one called "Help. Her. Heal" (which also has a video workshop)

Another called "Improving Relationships. A Couple's Workbook"

"Group Work For Men In Sexual Recovery" (she calls it a "manual"

Curious if aanyone has experience here....

1 comment posted: Wednesday, December 18th, 2019

The Unspeakable Mind: Stories of Trauma

Anyone read this (by Shaili Jain)? It's new (May '19) and not available at my library, so wondering if anyone has any thoughts before I shell out $30.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, December 18th, 2019

Blackberry

I found my WH's phone backups going back to 2011. I bought a refurb BB Curve 8530 on ebay

BUT

now I cannot find any of the old versions of the software to restore from the dozens of backup files I have in .ipd and .bbb format.

I did download the newest version (i think 7), but it won't even recognize the old file formats to do a restore to the phone :(

This could be a goldmine, if I could just get my hands on some legacy software - any ideas?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:18 AM, October 28th (Sunday)]

2 comments posted: Sunday, October 28th, 2018

Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton

Anyone read this?

I do not agree with all of his premises (esp that morality itself is bad - which may be why he's been married FIVE times), but his concepts of honesty and intimacy really ring true to me.

Just curious if anyone else has read this and their opinions.

0 comment posted: Friday, October 12th, 2018

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