Need input on Will and Funeral instructions...
Okay, I thought I should get around to updating my Will now that I am finally divorced. It will be pretty basic as I own only one property and have very little else. I've got to decide on burial or cremation. I'll probably go cremation due to cost.
But here is my conundrum. It is a half-serious question,but I really do need advice. What, if any, instructions do I leave regarding my EXWW? I know her family will probably attend as we are still close, but do I instruct that she not attend? If she does attend, do I instruct that she not say anything? The thought of the woman who betrayed me in the worst way possible and destroyed my life, attending my funeral pisses me off a little.
But on the other hand, I know it would be super uncomfortable for her as everyone knows what she did and apparently, she still gets the occasional barb from mutual friends. The thought of veiled wispers and furtive glances in her direction kinda makes me smile a bit. Maybe I should reserve a seat at the front for her...
11 comments posted: Monday, February 13th, 2023
Letter dropped out of a piece of furniture while moving.
So I moved to the new place and while we were loading the moving van, I noticed a folded piece of paper on the deck of the truck. At first, I assumed it fell out of my buddy's pocket and was going to hand it to him, but I thought I would unfold it just to make sure. Turns out it was either a letter or a speech that my EXWW was going to give to her AP some time after Dday2 and I filed for D. That about 5 years ago and I have no idea how it ended up in that piece of furniture. Most likely, it had fallen behind a drawer and been knocked loose durring the shuffle. Once I had figured out what it was, I pocketed it and continued moving.
When I did get a chance to relax at the end of the day, I opened it and read it. It was enlightening, especially into her mindset. Although she does mention the damage to me and the kids, the cause of it was the AP. He was the villain in all of this and she wants him to understand the damage he has caused to everyone, including her mother. In fact, what really got me was that she was actually the real victim in all of this. One line really made me smirk:
"All of this pain and destruction because you pursued me and seduced me, a married woman. You saw I was unhappy in my marriage and took advantage of my vulnerability like the snake you are." She then goes onto say some shit about being worn down and feeling like Eve, yadda, yadda, yadda.
What really got me about this letter is how differently I read it now. Had I read it 5 years ago, I would have taken it as a sign of contrition and authenticity, mostly because my bullshit meter had not yet been installed in my head. Now I see it as all about her. There is no real accountability on her part and she defaults to playing the victim again and again. Oh, sure there were some other people who go hurt, but if you hadn't done this to me, then none of this would have happened.
Her mindset hasn't changed to any great degree over the years, as she isn't introspective generally speaking. She has said thing over the years, like, "Well, I can't punish myself forever", "maybe I should just kill myself then", etc, making every conversation about her and her pain. All of this further reinforces my decision to D as the right one.
10 comments posted: Thursday, December 22nd, 2022
Punative and compensatory damages of the affair
Okay, I have been thinking about this for a few months on and off. And for those of you that are very serious, thos is tongue in cheek.
Infidelity isn't a criminal offense in western countries, but there are consequences, albeit they vary. Now,my country is not very litigious and damages awarded are usually much lower than the US in civil litigation.
I have been engaged in a thought experiment of late. Had I decided to stay in my M, would I have asked for compensatory damages for my WW'S A? We routinely give them punative measures: move jobs, open phone, checking in, etc, but what about compensatory damages? And yes, I realize nothing can make up for an A, but they got something out of the A, why not get something out of them? Besides,nothin from nothin is nothin...as they say.
While I was trying to R, I made it clear that anniversaries and valentines days were a thing of the past. Maybe, just maybe she could earn her way back to valentines days one day,but for now, nope. Both of those days were now and in the future, to be known as "do whatever the hell I want days", on her dime of course. Weekendvat Vegas...her dime. Fishing in Haida Guai...her dime. A relaxing spa day getting my ass waxed...her dime. But my real regret is not getting her to buy me a Harley as a token gesture of her contrition. I could ride it to clear my mind and payment therapy is invaluable. Plus, as a gift, it wouldnot be counted as shared marital property. And the added pleasure of knowing that she was paying off my motorcycle each month....priceless.
Plus I would have a Harley.
So what would you have wanted?
19 comments posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2022
I guess it's safe to update
Well, I thought it might be time for an update. The two-step lessons my daughter and I are taking are going very well, and she is getting better quickly. She really looks forward to our Saturday nights together. EXWW and her on again off again boyfriend are there, so things are still a bit weird.
Ive been holding off celebrating as I am a catastrophist... wonder why? Things don't tend to work out for me. But the really big news is that we are moving in three weeks. I just signed the papers on a townhouse in a great location, within walking distace to everything and on two bus routes. It has enough room for all of us and still have a spare room for guests. I finally have my own room. I've been sleeping in the dining room of our 800 square foot apartment for 3.5 years now and it is wearing on me.
There is an in-law suite in the basement, so my older D is moving down there. My younger D will be upstairs down the hall from me. It's an older complex,so I'll need to reno the kitchen, replace some flooring and spruce it up, something I love doing, so I'll have purpose again. The big thing is that I'll finally be able to invite people over again, something I've avoided here as I'm pretty embarrassed when it comes to my living situation. Oh, and it has a wood fireplace that is grandfathered so I'll be able to enjoy winter evenings at home. But the biggest bonus is that I will be able to have my kids with me longterm. Even my peppery one.😉
63 comments posted: Thursday, November 17th, 2022
Had to post this!
So my daughter just turned 19 this summer. For you people in the US, that's drinking age here, so she can go to bars now. Well, I asked her if she would be interested in doing two-step lessons with me each week. It's five bucks and I thought it would be fun. I love to dance and needed a reason to get out, as did she. She agreed. So we've been on a couple of lessons.
I tend to only stay for an hour or so after the lesson as my EXWW is usually there after the lesson, smaller town and all, but my daughter said something to me that made me break out in a grin. To preface what she said, I should point out that I try not to encroach on her fun as she does not have a lot of friends. I don't want to cramp her style with her dad hanging around. Anyway, she asked me why I don't like to dance with her. I of course told her that I love doing the lessons and dancing with her, but wanted her to have her space as well. Then she told me that she loved dancing and I was her favorite person to dance with! Then she asked if I would consider staying later on the nights we have lessons. Honestly, I almost broke into tears at that. Yeah, seeing my EXWW is a bit irritating, but we'll worth it with a daughter like that! Wow. On cloud nine.
14 comments posted: Monday, September 19th, 2022
I guess an update is in order
I don't post as much as I once did. Still read posts though. I thought I'd give everyone an update as to where I am at. My real Dday was on December of 2017. I gave my STBXWW 6 months to pull her head out of her ass and fix what she broke, but we both knew that she didn't have it in her. In order to heal the wound, she would have had to become a completely different person, something she just could not do.
Well, I just got my finalized divorce papers in the mail. It takes 31 days for them to be official from the date the Justice signs them, and that will put me on a cruise ship with my best friend, coming back from our Alaskan voyage. He was the guy that forced my STBXWW to confess or be outed. He is an amazing friend, and I would take a bullet for him. I owe him more than i can repay. Man, the cruise line is going to regret selling me the drink package, I tell ya.
Even though it's been 4.5 years, I've not really recovered. I think the old me is dead and gone. Sadly, the A has changed me on a quantum level. I've tried and failed at having any type of relationship. Not counting the one I got into much too soon after S, I am either the king of first dates, or I panic the moment anything gets remotely close to almost getting serious. I get panic attacks, night sweats, you name it. I've gone to accept that I may not be relationship material anymore. I do miss the intimacy though, but as they say, you can't get there from here. The last woman I started seeing before I called it off, said it was a shame since I would have made a great boyfriend. Maybe once upon a time,but no longer.
As for the changes in me, the biggest ones are that I don't feel things anymore and I have trouble giving a shit. I've described it on other posts,but instead of having the full eight octave range of emotions, I only have three or four of the middle ones, save rage. That one is still front and center. I miss feeling things, especially when I see other people experiencing emotions. I know that I have experienced joy, but I'm at a loss to described what it is like. It's become just a theoretical emotion.
The not giving a shit has been good. It's slmost like a super power. It's like there are these social-emotional vortexes around, waiting to suck me in, and I can simply step over them because, well, I just don't give a shit.
So, I guess that's it. Further in and further up!
11 comments posted: Thursday, June 30th, 2022
The emotional ebbs and flows of life after infidelity
I think I'm having one of my days.
I am now 3.5 years separated and on the cusp of being divorced and very excited about cutting off that albatross. I've had my own apartment for 2.5 years and have gotten into a groove. My older daughter has graduated and opted to live with me full-time, while my younger daughter is week on/week off. It is a system that seems to work. In the past, my younger daughter has expressed a desire to live with her mother after graduation, but this has shifted and she is now unsure. Financially, it would make sense for her mother and I to take one daughter each as house prices are crazy here. But I think my girls do better emotionally she they are with me. The uncertainty of our future is unsettling for me as a three bedroom is completely out of reach.
Even though my life is stable and I can pay the bills, I still find myself cycling through periods of melancholy and loneliness. I've been single for two years, and still miss my GF, as she crosses my mind every day, even though it was a relationship that for some reason we could not seem to get to work. Tragic really, as we were good together, just on different pages. I miss the tenderness of a woman's touch and the comfort of a woman's scent.
However, I've come to the realization that at 55 I'm past my best before date 📅 and most likely will be alone for the remainder of my years, at least according to the data. Thanyou social scientists!. I get sad at times at everything I've lost due to my STBXWW'S shitty choices. There is so much I won't get to experience, family gatherings, welcoming grandchildren together, growing old together, etc. That chapter is now concluded, and yes new chapters can be written, but they are not part of the same narrative arc.
I've observed my moods and have noticed that the sadness comes in cycles, lasting about a day. Usually after a sleep I'm okay and back to my purpose. But it always returns, so it is difficult not to look at it and wonder if that is how the remainder of my years will be, oscillating between sadness and I guess...not sadness? It just deem like the rich and textured existence I had envisioned the final years of my life to be. In fact, it smacks of having failed.
The weird thing about my periods of sadness is that I actively embrace them. Maybe it's out of some masochistic notion or maybe I just need to feel something, anything other than apathy. I feel like it's the emotional equivalent of cutting myself. It seems as if infidelity has selectively cauterized only those positive emotions, ironically, leaving the negative ones untouched.
Maybe I am being dramatic and too influenced by two years of pandemic and now the state of the world, but really, is this all that remains? Just run out the clock till the buzzer sounds...
15 comments posted: Saturday, March 5th, 2022
My stbxww is brain dead
Okay, I haven't posted a thread in a while. Still getting used to the new site. Old dog, new tricks and all of that. Well, I had to update you on my divorce proceedings. Things are progressing slowly, as my STBXWW is slower than a shit through a long dog, but movement there is...
So I get a text from STBXWW asking if she can call me to clarify some tax stuff. You know, information that I had already sent her. Once on the phone, I told her that she already had it, and would you believe it? Yup, found it right away. So before I hang up, I ask if that's all? Funny I should ask...
She asks me if the party room in my complex is open?
No, I respond. Still closed due to covid.
Oh, she says.
Why, I ask? Stupid, stupid me!
Turns out, my STBXWW needs a venue to host her boyfriend's birthday party, and because they are antivaxxers, they need to show proof of vaccination to rent a public space, plus are limited to 50 people. If I was drinking, I would have spit my drink out.
That's too bad I respond. Yup, she says, it's a big birthday, his 60th... Oh, I respond. I Didnt realize your boyfriend was that old... cover mouthpiece and chortle.
Not age shaming, just that I'm certain that my STBXWW imagined a single life where beefy 30 year old men would be orbiting her like the moons of Jupiter, that life would be some never ending adventure because, well she's so hot and deserves it. Reality, not so much. I mean, the market value for a 52 year old serial cheater is slightly more limited than she expected. Cue Karma bus.
Now, no disrespect to older guys, as I am one and past my best before date. I'm just pointing out the disconnect between her imagined single life and her real one. But what really got me was that she was actually asking her STBXBH if he could host a birthday party for her new boyfriend and 48 of his closest unvaccinated friends.
Sorry, I said.
Thanks, but if you think of anything, can you let me know.
Yeah, you bet....
14 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
Looking back on my birthday
This started out as an update on my other dating/not dating thread, but screw it. It's my special day, so I'm starting a new thread. Plus, I'm trying to make it to 1000 posts. Almost there.
Well, it's my birthday and I am having a mini solo celebration between grocery shopping for the week and getting back to my side hustle job. Yes, my life is an adventure. Oh, oh, tell me, am I living my best life yet?
Currently, we are on Province wide restrictions, so we can only sit outside. Nice day for it.
Today I turn 54. And as I reflect back on my life, I try not to throw up in my mouth, just a little. Man, I did not picture myself here. A career professional who works orchard work on the side, plus small job renos, just to pay the bills. It used to be good with a wife and kids and house... Oh well. But I do what needs to be done.
On the bright side, we always seem to have just enough. Last month i had to dip into my tooth fund, broken molar that needs a crown, so I was quite disheartened. My goal is forward. Even if I have to measure it in inches, it's still progress. So when i broke my rule of never touch the savings, I felt pretty defeated. But the next week, i get a call from the orchard guy that he needs work, and he even hired my kids! So now they have a bit of pocket cash and i can begin topping things up. Just hope the tooth doesn't break...
And this is the kicker. As I was leaving the orchard, he gave me a beef tenderloin. I was floored, but it wasnt until I got home that my kids pointed out the price. It was more than half of what I spend on groceries for a week. Hell, I dont even walk by the beef cooler because I know I can't afford the hood stuff.
This gesture moved me to tears. I mean, my life has been shit for do long, I just assume that shit things will be the new normal.but I also feel tremendously guilty accepting charity, so I was spinning all afternoon. I ended up calling my friend who gave me shit for not receiving. It's just so hard to receive help or kindness when it seems I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
We had a good laugh talking about some of the shit we did to cope with a tight budget during our divorces. He was so broke, paying alimony, that he would hit up the food bank just to feed his kid and he, even though he taught university. I would be invited out with "the boys" and would eat before I left, so I could tell everyone I wasnt hungry and just nurse a beer. He's doing great now and is my "you can make it" go to guy.
So, just enough money seems to show up just when its needed. Go figure. Lillies if the field I guess. Thanks big guy.
So here I am, drinking the cheapest beer I can find in town and celebrating another go around the sun. Still not thrilled about life, but not hating it either. I'm learning to find peace in being alone and just enjoying my own company. Covid has certainly helped with that. The future scares me and I still shake pretty regularly. My panic attacks are fewer and I see myself as a victim no longer. So that's pretty good for year 3ish.
Now if the divorced could just be finalized so I can send the ex a Skank You card...
13 comments posted: Monday, April 5th, 2021
Vent: online dating and women
So this is purely from a binary Male perspective. I have yet again, yes I know om an idiot, dipped my toe int the cesspool of internet dating. So, I am getting matches and likes. Fine, I'll bite. I send women a smile and comment, almost always a question. They will respond, if the don't ghost, with an answer, so I will respond with yet another fucking question. The respond with an answer, and usually an emoji. So now I am left wondering if the woman on the other end is a fucking moron. Really???? Think of it as a game of catch with one FUCKING ball! Toss it back. It's not like I have a whole thing of balls here. You could feign some level of interest by asking me an actual question!!! You know, I'm an actual human being, with some depth here. Stop being do passive! It's the 21st century. And dont give me crsp about being pursued. This is not how grownups gave conve5sations. Even if you adhere to Victorian standards, they covered this shit in finishing school..
God, that felt good...vent over.
73 comments posted: Sunday, January 31st, 2021
Hand overs with the ex
Don't know what to title this. I did the handover with the STBXWW yesterday. We have an arrangement that we pick up the girls on our week. I look forward to having my girls all week, though I do enjoy the me time as well. I know transition days can be hard, so I make comfort food on Sundays, most times a roast with mashed potatoes, gravy, and a nice salad. I want them to associate coming to my place with the smell of a nice meal waiting for them.
So I get to my STBXWW'S lair and she tosses the kids bags at me and says thank God its Sunday and she can get rid of the kids. She looks like hell as well. I guess the stress of this exciting single life has lost its sheen... Yup, it's no fun when you have to shoulder all the shit your husband did quietly in the background. Should have read the other side of the infidelity brochure.
Anyway, if that's not enough, she start sputtering about how hard she has it. I'm listening, the whole time thinking she has me confused with someone who gives a shit. Yes, I fully realize that she is baiting me, but 2.5 years of detoxing from her flaming dumpster of a life has taught me to grey rock quite effectively. I stood stone faced and told her that I'm sure she would figure it out, then packed up my kiddos went home and had roast.
My STBXWW just doesn't get it. She is destroying her relationship with the kids. Even the girls have commented that I'm always happy to get them, while mom is always happy to get rid of them. But again, not my monkey, not my circus. I got fired from that job. Looking forward now...
20 comments posted: Tuesday, December 15th, 2020
Just going it alone, anyone?
I think I've gotten to a new stage three years after Dday#1 and 27 months separated. Maybe I've lived through too much shit or maybe I just read too many tragic stories hear. Maybe the hey, we are now fully recovered, oops I guess we aren't ones have really hit me. I don't know, but I feel done with people. I've seen first hand how darkly selfish people can be and it sickens me. I know I'm now jaded with trust issues, so that dosen't help either.
I just find myself tremendously uninterested in the risk of a relationship, even though I love the connection. I tried OLD for a whole 5 minutes before quitting. Felt sleazy. I walk around in my own cacoon now. I am decently attractive, so I get eye contact and smiles from women, but I have no desire to smile back. Just yesterday in the grocers, a woman was smiling at me and it seemed like she always ended up in the aisle I was in. At one time, I would have smiled and said at least something. Now all I do is look at her and think about risk, percentages, possible history, basically deconstruct every possibility etc, and think, shit, probably not worth the effort.
And if I do say hello, then what? Drinks, conversation, maybe a little hope before I find out that her last relationship ended because they grew apart? Find out later she cheated and now I'm forced to bail with all the emotion that goes with it.
I find myself wanting to be alone and just go my own way.
Am I off base here? Do I need a kick in the ass? Can anyone identify with me?
41 comments posted: Wednesday, October 21st, 2020
Signed up for old and got liked
So I broke down and signed up for OLD after my buddy was giving me shit for just sitting at home and having no life. So, I answered the questions with honesty and authenticity. I figured with the crap I've been through, the last thing I need is more untruthfulness. Plus, I think I'm a pretty decent guy if you can get past the age and profile pic.
Well, I've gotten a couple of likes. I know this is not a huge deal for some, but for me, it is exciting. I've let the likers know that I am totally good with just making new friends and having some hopefully stimulating conversations. Wish me luck navigating this "brave new world that has such people in it".
30 comments posted: Sunday, August 30th, 2020
If, how, and when do you ask about infidelity?
I and 2 years S and 5 months single from my first post M relationship. I sort of fell I to that one and it was a rollercoaster to say the least. I gave myself 6 months to heal and then do a reevaluation of my healing. I'm not sure if I'm ready to date, but my best friend is giving me shit for being so closed to the idea, so I am considering it.
I am a guy who lives in his head, so I read and I research. I will not, and I mean will not date a former cheater any more than I would allow a former sec offender to sit my kids. The research on recidivism is pretty solid on once a cheater... and I am too screwed up after the last one.
What I am asking is if, how, and when do you bring it up? After how much time? I've read some shitty advice on other boards about the past remaining in the past and it's none of my business. After I threw up in my mouth and hit the back button, I figured this is literally the most trusted forum anywhere and has centuries of combined experience. So have at it. Both barrels.
30 comments posted: Monday, August 10th, 2020
My very first post on New Beginnings!
I thought it might be appropriate to post here, even though I am not yet divorced. Last New Year's, I chose a word for my year, FORWARD. Then I asked my colleagues to create a bucket list with activities that they think I should do. I have a jar with almost 50 things. No idea what they are yet due to covid, but I did pull one. I am going to spend half a day volunteering.
Anyway, being alone has shown me a few things. One is that the world is definitely not but for me. Based on double occupancy and table for two are just a couple of ways in which a single person stands out. I am growing accustomed to taking myself out for a meal or coffee. Basically, I do most things along as I am the only person I k ow that is alone. Since I dont read get invited over anymore, being a 5th wheel, I've gotten used to flying solo.
Since I had a week off with no kids coming up, decided to do a solo bike trip along a section of the Trans Canada trail. This will be my first solo trip as a single guy, although I did take a motorcycle trip alone to decide if I was going to divorce or not.
I've no idea what to expect. I bout a used bike trailer and a few things I didn't have, and have packed them up and leave in two days. I've got a micro camp chair, Cuban cigars, and a bottle of cheap whiskey, not mention a pack fly rod. I have no idea what to expect, but I feel something like excitement. Not sure what it is, but it approximates some of the positives emotions I remember once having.
I am looking forward to new experiences and new friends.
18 comments posted: Thursday, July 2nd, 2020
This just seems like the right place
At first, this was going to be a post about how tired I am of reading the sad stories that we have all gone through and continue to. Cheaters take so much away and it seems the cycle of hurt never abated, wash, rinse, repeat. But as soon as I started typing, something happened. As my GF would put it, something needed to come out, so here it is....
I struggled with what to name this thread. I've been a member here since July of 2018 and have read possible hundreds if not thousands of posts. They have been invaluable to me. The collective wisdom and experience here has proven more beneficial than any therapist could be. You people have saved me in more ways than you can possibly imagine. I am now 3 years post dday#1, 2 years post dday #2, and roughly 19 months seperated. In dog years, I guess I'm a vet. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal, but since I am divorcing, it feels faster.
So many positives have happened to me recently. They might seem small to those outside SI, but I think you all get it. I no longer spend all of my time wishing I was dead and when i do, it is just because i an low or tired and life feels to big at times. I dont feel pain anymore, just irritation, like my STBXWW is a pebble in my shoe and i just need to find the nearest opportunity to shake it out. I have a woman in my life that i care for very much, though I have no assurance of it lasting, but hey, I apparently did not have assurance in my last relationship. I was just unaware of that.
I laughed a couple of weeks ago. Not a chortle or a smirk, but really laughed and smiled in a way I had not done in many years. I felt, for a brief moment, joy. I was with my GF and I mentioned it, but did not want to convey it's full impact to her. I wanted to save that as mine and mine alone. I wanted to sit and really think about it.
I have learned to find moments of peace and contentment. I am now of the opinion that happiness is a fool's errand. It is fleeting and superficial because it relies on situation rather than attitude. For me at least, I want to learn to bend and not break, to accept and not resist the troubles life gives me. I'm working on this.
I've so learned what intimacy is and what an honest and authentic physical relation can feel like. It turns out that I had never really experienced that before but was blissfully unaware. Won't ever go back to mediocre sex, I'll tell you that. I will not accept a partner who is not emotionally all in. And I will not defraud someone by not doing the same.
Holy shit, this is a long post. My bad.
So my GF does this thing every year. She comes up with a order for the next year, sort of a theme to live by. I thought about this. I guess my word for last year would have had to be "unbroken". I had been hammered last year and I felt it. I am going to spend the day thinking about a word, but one seems to be in the forefront, "foreward". I have decided to see myself, not as a victim or even a survivor, as they suggest, to me at least, a passivity which I am leaving behind. I now feel that something good and big and wonderous is coming, and I need to stand up and go to meet it head on. So I guess it rucksacks on and get ready to move into 2020. Happy new year my friends. And thank you for being there for me, all of you wonderful, hurting, loving and anonymous people.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, December 31st, 2019