Newest Member: Definedbygrace


EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

The Ones Who Just Leave

It's been 3 years since DDay (and almost as long going no contact) and between work and world events, I haven't really thought about my ex-wife, her affair, or even memories of our marriage in a very, very, very long time. I posted over a thousand times during that first year, when I needed SI the most, but after that I stepped fully into the next phase and put all this behind me. I think it was a bit easier for me, for reasons I'll explain below, but then I dipped in here recently, read some posts, and it got me wondering. I see the familiar details of post-infidelity shock and awe, but I didn't catch the one which resonates with me most.

How many other BSes here have had exes who up and left once the cat was out of the bag, then never spoke to them again?

It seems like a rarity. It did in 2018, and times don't seem to be changing. Until I found the article "The Ones Who Just Leave", I thought I was going crazy. When I caught my ex-wife's affair, by accident, it was an immediate turn. The sea of lovey-dovey texts, assuring phsyical contact, and positive energy stopped abruptly. The mask dropped and what was behind it was a cold, calculating, robotic person without a hint of sympathy for her soon to be ex-husband of over a decade. It seems common that the WS adopts the "hand caught in the cookie jar" persona, as mine did, but once we sorted out the terms of our divorce in a few weeks, I never heard from her again. I remember saying it felt like "I was someone she murdered whose body she was desperately trying to hide before the sun came up".

It's cliche to say I wasn't a perfect husband, and I wasn't, but I wasn't the type of husband from Sleeping With the Enemy that needed to be "escaped". I was never irrational or prone to outbursts or violent, or anything in that regard. The last 6 months to a year of our marriage we rarely even fought (which in retrospect was probably an indicator that she had checked out emotionally). At some point, she saw an in with an older male coworker, engaged in whatever she was doing (I never got answers), and when caught, opted to simply end the marriage, get what she could out of our assets, and disappear forever. She blocked my number, blocked what little social media I had at the time, and that was that. Probably part shame, part anger, part narrative control - the usual.

We still live in the same city, probably within 10-20 miles of each other, but it's big enough that we never run into each other. At this point, I rarely think of her and I'm sure she thinks of me even less than that. The record of our 12 years together was deleted from the archives, with no backup. It took me a long time after DDay to get used to that concept.

And so I wonder, how many others here have run into this situation? How did it make you feel? How long did it take you to bounce back from that shock? Or am I one of the only ones here who got a clean break from a severely damaged person handed to me on a platter? It seems like even those who choose their AP over BS still linger for a period, even if there are no kids involved. And some of them come crawling back. Mine though? Never has, and never will - and I'm fine with that.

16 comments posted: Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Dating Post Divorce

I'm finally ready to get my feet wet but my life circumstances are less than ideal. I pretty much live on an island and my social circle is many hours away, i.e. no set ups anytime soon. I can't even really ask my coworkers to set me up since they're all married and keep to themselves, not to mention I haven't seen them in months. I live in a city, which means the dating pool is significant, but at the moment my hobbies are of the "solo" variety. I did recently start running in a highly populated park, but that's not exactly the solution, plus that's a weekend only thing and I don't like my odds. Dating apps seem like even worse odds since it's a numbers game and I'm competing with thousands of men. I'd rather meet a woman more organically if I can.

I'm humbly asking for any advice that isn't the boilerplate "it'll happen when you least expect it". I'd love to hear some anecdotes so I don't feel so intimidated by the mid 30s dating game.

10 comments posted: Monday, July 13th, 2020

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