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EllieKMAS

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

Mod please

Hey no need to PM, but the 'link' for the Christmas card exchange is not functional. Should it be?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Being a grup.

I've been struggling lately. I have something going on with my inner ear and/or sinuses that has made me feel like I'm on a boat for the last 5 weeks (not covid, I've been tested twice). For a clumsy bitch like me it's really annoying and frustrating. Plus I decided to get back on an antidepressant because I've just been really having to try for my normal sassiness.

But today, boathead and all, I cleaned my WHOLE house. 2.5 bathrooms, mopped all the floors (soap and rinsed), steam cleaned my bedroom carpet, wiped down walls, cleaned all the baseboards, dusted all the things, super cleaned my ceiling fan, scrubbed all the litterboxes, cleaned the gecko tanks, and am working on my last 2 loads of laundry. Tbh I don't think the house has ever been this clean all at once. I feel grungy and my hair looks like a cockatoo cus of the sweat and dirt lol so am gonna go take a hot shower then go get a pedicure.

I just felt good today and am proud of going overboard with the cleaning cus I haven't felt motivated for the last month.

What are you proud of yourself for today?

11 comments posted: Saturday, September 25th, 2021

New decade :)

I am forty today.

My 30's were.... interesting. I learned a lot. About how strong I am. About how resilient I am. About my humor and my compassion and all the things that make me, ME. I honed in on a lot of things I want to work on too, which I am thankful for because I still have so much to learn and so much opportunity and capacity for change.

Taking all that learning I did in the last decade, my 40's are gonna be fucking amazing I feel

18 comments posted: Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

The pandemic ruined me.

Now that the world is returning to 'normal' (not that I think it ever was), I have been going in to the office once a week. I am very happy my boss is perfectly okay with me working from home for the most part, but she does need me in occasionally.

But there's a problem.

I was never a huge fan of humans - I've always been more of an introvert - but my tolerance for the ridiculous social niceties is seriously atrophied at this point after being able to not have to do that for the last 16 months

This last week one of the gals started up a conversation about something having to do with trash bags... or grocery bags... or something. I am sitting here wracking my brain trying to remember, but I honestly can't, I just remember feeling like 'what is the actual point of this 3 minutes of my life this annoying lady is taking from me right now'. I just have NO patience for pointless conversations with people I don't know or particularly care about anymore. I know that sounds so horrible!

In my defense, I do have to regularly interface over the phone and by email with vendors and coworkers and I am always as professional and courteous as possible. And in person, I always try to be civil and polite and watch my tone of face.

Anyone else struggling with this now? I just don't see my tolerance for banality really coming back anytime soon.

32 comments posted: Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Wise words by essayist Brianna Wiest

I stumbled across this essay recently and I have read it over and over. I think it bears sharing.

This Year, Let Go Of The People Who Aren’t Ready To Love You by Brianna Weist

Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don't want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it's a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn't mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren't ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don't do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.

That's what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.

The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won't be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it's attachment. It's wanting to give a chance to those who don't deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.

When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don't suit you and shouldn't be around you, your energy is stolen.

You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It's not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It's your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don't waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

2 comments posted: Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Mod please

No need to PM me - but can you please correct the spelling of 'friend' in my topic title 'Interesting convo w'? Misspellings make my eye-twitch and I went and done one

Please and thank you!

1 comment posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021

A thought provoking convo w a friend

I was talking with a fellow BS friend of mine a while back. She is closer to her dday (within the last 10-ish months vs me almost 3 years). She has recently been telling more people about the infidelity, which I whole-heartedly endorse. But she told her grandmother about it recently and her gran had some interesting thoughts on it.

I am paraphrasing here, but the gist of what gran told her that the problem with younger generations as it relates to marriage is that younger folks expect way too much of their SO's; that younger people expect their SO to be their best friend, and their lover, and a provider, and and and. That people are looking for the be-all and end-all. According to gran, she loved gramps (who passed away years ago), and loved her life with him, but she wasn't his best friend, nor was he hers. They both had friends that they did things with outside of their marriage - golf buddies, walkin buddies, book club buddies etc. Point gran was making is that if one expects an SO to fill every single niche, that's pretty unreasonable and there's no wonder people aren't staying married anymore. And furthermore said that marriage is damn hard work and there's a lot of times it isn't fun - and it isn't supposed to be.

My friend was kinda upset because she thought gran was being unsupportive, but we talked a lot about it and I think she kinda saw some merit to it after all was said and done.

It just made me think a lot about all that concept in terms of my own marriage. I mean, looking back with the benefit of hindsight now I can definitely say that my expectations were pretty out of whack from the beginning. I know some of that is my foo shit that I'm working through, but I can't help but think that a lot of it is societal conditioning too - that hollywood version of what romantic love is supposed to look like.

I also relate it back to my grandparents and aunts/uncles that have been married forever. And the more I thought on it, all of them definitely have hobbies and things that are separate from their marriage.

I also thought of that in terms of my friends. I am not a friend collector so I have only a few really close ones, but I think the reason I have them and have had them forever is that my expectations of those relationships is definitely more reality-based than wishful thinking. I have one friend that I call for gentleness and philosophical-type support, and another friend I call when I want to be bitchy and sarcastic. Not that I am different with either of them, cus I'm not (nor am I saying I couldn't lean on either one of them whenever and have), but I don't necessarily expect my snarky friend to be gentle. She's the one I call when I need someone to whap me upside the head with some truth.

I'm just kinda sharing some thoughts, because I found that whole concept pretty interesting and think there's probably some merit to it.

31 comments posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Yay me!

I bought a new car today! I went through that Carvana place and my new wheels will be delivered a week from tomorrow Is crazy that you can buy a whole ass car online now...

I ended up going with a 2018 Mazda CX-3 in that gorgeous juicy red color so I also then know exactly what color my nails are gonna be next week LOL (OPI An Affair in Red Square - so fitting for so many reasons)

I just can't believe what a difference a couple years have made in my life. 2 years ago my credit was so shite I would have needed a co-signer to do this, but not having someone around bleeding me dry financially has allowed me to pay things off and turn things around more than I ever thought possible. Ellie is a happy girl today!

27 comments posted: Friday, April 30th, 2021

Name change

So I posted over in NB about getting a bathroom reno done. I am withdrawing some 401k money to do this.

Welp. Found out today that my old 401k place still has me as married and they are asking for a spousal consent form! UGH. It'll be okay - called them and I just have to send them a copy of my certified divorce decree (which I had to dig for but did find).

I was right at the start of the name change process when covid hit and it just kinda got moved to the back burner cus so many of the government offices got so backed up. But I am getting this name change done, immediately.

So... I seem to remember that changing to my married name wasn't this big a pain in the arse. Does anyone have any good services or tips for me to get this done? I'm sick of looking at that last name now and want my old one back!

17 comments posted: Friday, February 19th, 2021

Home stuff

So I am getting my master bathroom renovated - my guy was here today to go over final estimate and details and will be starting March 1.

I have picked out all my tile and things, got my vision in my head of what it's gonna look like and I think it will be really nice! Plus I am doubling my closet space (woo hoo), and will FINALLY be able to organize my shoes. I am so excited I can hardly stand it...

Just got me to thinking though. The bathroom in it's current state is a mess. There was a leak when douchewad was still here - his solution for it was as lazy as the rest of his life, he just flex sealed EVERYTHING. And while I was picking out my tile and stuff, it just made me remember the fights we used to get in whenever home renovation type things came up. I would always ask that we hire a pro, and xwh would get all pissy and snippy because he thought he knew how to do things like tile and drywall and such (spoiler alert - he didn't). Just so happy that I was able to hire a pro to come and do this project and pick out all the stuff to make it how I want and didn't have any of the tactfully tiptoeing around a tiny fragile little ego. Not to mention that my financial state is so much better not having someone sucking the life out of me and my checking account

It's just one more little example of HOW MUCH BETTER my life is without him. Things like this hit me occasionally and make me feel almost unbearable gratitude that I am free of all the bullshit that came with him. And bonus! I don't have to share my closet with anybody

30 comments posted: Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Mod please

:)

1 comment posted: Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

My sister....

GOT ENGAGED TODAY!!

I'm so happy for her!

9 comments posted: Thursday, February 11th, 2021

Any Mini owners?

I am finally getting dug out of the financial vortex that I was in when I was married - so, I am gifting myself a new car - woo hoo!! My current car is a big SUV and I am wanting to downsize. Plus my current car is getting old and tired and I just am sick of dealing with constant repairs and stress, so I want something more reliable and with less issues. No I don't mean that to be a metaphor for a relationship either

I have been leaning towards getting a mini cooper. I have always loved them and am actually finding quite a few that are well within my means online.

So - do you own one? If so, do you like it? Pros/cons?

Also, has anyone bought through carvana? if yes, what was your experience like?

11 comments posted: Monday, February 1st, 2021

Well this is awkward.

I cut ties with my dad a long time ago. He was a classic narc and I finally got done with his emotional and mental abuse about 15 years ago. I have a stepmom and 3 siblings over there that I unfortunately lost through this as well - not for lack of trying to keep a relationship with my brothers and sister, but my stepmom was a barrier to that. It used to really upset me, but *shrug* I tried.

A little backstory - my dad and stepmom have been together since I was really little and my stepmom's family was wonderful to me growing up. I have kept in fb contact with a lot of them, but honestly none of them really tried to keep me in their life (beyond cards at Christmas and birthdays) after I said fuckthis to my dad. I get it and have long since forgiven them and dealt with my feelings around it. It sucks, but it is what it is.

But I just found out this morning from my stepmom's sister that my step-grandfather (stepmom's dad) passed away yesterday. I honestly am not sure how to feel - sad, yes. Sad for the family, for sure. But I had not seen him in 10+ years, so I am not grief-stricken by it. About 12 years ago, my dad's mom passed away and my stepmom called to notify me and asked that I go to the service. Awkwardness aside, at that time, I just couldn't afford it - it was in a different state and I just couldn't afford airfare/hotel etc. I did reconnect with my sister the year after my wedding and caught an earful about just how little my stepmom thinks of me, including how shitty stepmom thought it was that I 'refused' to attend my grandma's service. I told my sister my side of that, but frankly don't know (or care particularly) if she believed me. Point being, there's a lot of water under the bridge with my dad/stepmom's family and me at this point.

My step-aunt asked if I would go to the service, and that is what is tying me in knots. I dunno, I just feel like it would be... inappropriate? for me to go to the service. I don't want to add any stress or upset to what is sure to be a difficult and sad day for them... is that wrong? Why do I care? Ugh - help.

ETA - clarifying who died.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 12:45 PM, December 3rd (Thursday)]

6 comments posted: Thursday, December 3rd, 2020

Am I the only one....

...Who literally has ZERO desire to date? I keep telling myself I won't always feel like that, but honestly right now the thought of dating just makes me feel like slapping things.

I was talking with a friend the other day and it came up and I just told her that I really feel like he killed the part of me that gave a shit about being in a couple. Don't get me wrong - for right now I am 90% happy being on my own and not having to deal with someone else's crap. But I do still ruminate on that 10% bit. I'm young and I don't necessarily think I want to be alone forever but I do wonder and fret over it sometimes.

Could be too that I have gone full-on cuckoo's nest cus of you know, the WORLD right now. I dunno, just rambling I suppose.

22 comments posted: Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

New job - wooooot!!

So my boss when I was dealing with dday1 and all the subsequent bullshit with exdouche was WONDERFUL. She was SO supportive and amazing - I honestly don't know what I would've done at work without her... (no lie, I was so useless for a couple months, I probably would have been let go if I had a shitty boss). Just one of those rare bosses that are so few and far between.

Anyways, she left in January for another company and it's just not been the same without her there. She called yesterday and wants to hire me to work for her again at her new company. We talked about the nuts and bolts for a bit, but she met with the big boss today and it's a go - 6k more a year, I get to set my own schedule, better work that is more suited to me... and the best part? I was planning on eventually leaving CO (looking for more affordable place to live) and I can keep this job and work remotely!

I am so SO excited and happy. Other than divorcing his dumbass, this is the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time.

Just needed to share

25 comments posted: Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

Bang boom mofo. Smell the freedom!

Prefacing this by saying I have utmost respect for vets and I know 'murica day is usually not their fave holiday.

But my exdouche was a vet. And he haaaaated the fourth. I love fireworks, and the smell of gunpowder, and the booms and bangs. When he was here if I acted like I was enjoying all that, he would be so pissy with me. This is the first fourth of July in a decade that I've been able to enjoy without having to tiptoe around him and his jumpiness

Hope you're miserable and jumpy as fuck shithead! Cus I'm enjoying my fucking freedom!!

Yeeeaaah. Still haven't gotten to meh yet. Working on it

12 comments posted: Saturday, July 4th, 2020

Loving singledom

Holy shit am I so goddam happy that my D got finalized right before the world went tits-up... Aside from the fact that my xdoouchehole went through a roll a day of TP on his own, he was also completely incapable of existing with himself. I can't even imagine how sick of his shit I would be if I had been stuck in a house with him for the last month. So grateful that things worked out with the timing.

And speaking of houses - I bought my house in 2015. For 'us'. We had a laundry list of things we wanted to do to it, number 1 of which was replacing the revolting carpet. We used to get into arguments about what we wanted to do to the house, mostly because he had no taste at all. Also he had a very overblown sense of his abilities to do 'house stuff'. Welp - my bonus from work this year was enough for me to replace my carpets finally! I cannot tell you how happy doing that makes my home feel. Plus i am taking all this time I have to purge things. I am going one closet/room at a time and shedding all the crap I had accumulated during my M.

My next project I am super excited for - starting on my homemade 'me' ornaments and decorations for my awesome Christmas tree. I decided that in December - I am tossing all the christmas stuff I had with him and making my own stuff that is tres moi. Should be some fun!

Just wanted to share those thoughts for anyone still in the hell of separation or facing a divorce and feeling scared about it. Hard and heart-breaking as it is/was, life after is really not so bad. Different, but better in a lot more ways than I anticipated.

Hope everyone is surviving the apocalypse OK!!

8 comments posted: Friday, April 10th, 2020

mod please

1 comment posted: Wednesday, February 26th, 2020

New 'do

This is my first post in NB. Started it in D/S... but you know? I think it goes here.

Nothing huge. I got my hair cut last weekend (I have had short spiky cuts for years), and did something kinda different. I *almost* have a mohawk. Its way short on the sides and back and all crazy long and spiky on the top and longer in the middle on the back. But not like punk mohawk... like... business mohawk. And this weekend am dying it black with big hot pink chunky highlights. Cus I can that's why.

I have been feeling extra spicy this week and I'm not sure why, but I realized this morning that the x would have haaaated this haircut (which was not consciously in my head last week at all) and I really love it. It's the first (visible) thing I've done that feels like ME. Feels like the me before all that other shit happened.

I dunno, it just made me very happy realizing that. It's like all these little things keep happening and the doubt and negativity and 'bad' that was my M at the end is shedding off, piece by piece. I still have my days, but overall my soul and my being just feels lighter. I'm... happy. Is that what that feels like?

5 comments posted: Thursday, February 6th, 2020

Good for a laugh

Just MHO, but I think we need some funnies.

So what are some of your favorite funny/cute gifs?

I'll start!

28 comments posted: Wednesday, December 4th, 2019

A moment of grace.

So I am at a work conference and today was really hard. Just was really struggling. My boss and I were hanging out with a couple other people that work in our town that she knew. The girl is a hoot and a half and I can see being friends with her long term. She gets my sarcasm and we laughed a lot. I told her my story and she had a matching one and we compared notes. The guy... I'd have to be dead to not notice that he's cute. But that's not what this post is about.

Like I said, I was really struggling today. Havin a rough one. He said something earlier and I kinda flippantly blurted something about my ex boinking a teenager. Turns out this guy's first wife cheated on him. Small world!

The moment of grace for me? I told my truth. Not only was my truth accepted but it was embraced. By her cus she's a woman and w def connected. With him not in a romantic way (he is happily engaged and I heard all about his fiancee), but my truth allowed for real connections and didn't make people run away screaming.

I told a friend of mine recently that my exWH didn't get to make me not be my truthful trusting self, and tonight gave me hope that's true. And also let me know that there ARE still stand up guys in the world.

It was a beautiful thing and I am very appreciative of the peace it brought me today.

1 comment posted: Friday, September 13th, 2019

Any G2G's in CO?

I would love to attend a G2G, but I really can't travel far this year for financial reasons. Are there any members in Colorado or surrounding states that maybe we could plan something in the not too distant future?

9 comments posted: Tuesday, September 10th, 2019

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