Good problem brings a little ick
FWH and I have been traveling quite a lot. We’ve been a foreign country for a bit. I’m nearly fluent in the local language, he is not. My skills have provided us with some fun opportunities that we wouldn’t have had if I didn’t have the skills. Namely, friendships with locals. One customs official in particular, male, ended up inviting us both to he and his wife’s home for Sunday dinner. He practiced his English, I practiced my version of his language. All very, very above board.
FWH has asked me on occasion to ask our new friend specific travel questions….no problem. New friend and I have been messaging about once a week. New friend always sends his regards to FWH…and I to new friend’s wife. Given what I’ve been through, I’m not going anywhere near inappropriate conduct there.
That being said, a few days ago, new friend had messaged just as we were getting ready to head out to dinner. FWH had to wait for a second and was getting impatient. I took an extra 5 minutes to respond to the message and FWH blew up with something along the lines of "it’s not cool to make me wait while you’re messaging other men".
It really stuck in my craw. And brings back something FWH said during the A. "If I wanted an A, I’d have one and you’d never know". He was having one at the time.
We had a chat about it. I understand how it may spark some insecurity on his part, particularly if he doesn’t understand the language I’m messaging in. I made sure that he understood…and showed him everything. There is a small part of me that just wants to say the same back to him….if I wanted an A with new friend, I’d have one and you’d never know. It makes me angry.
2 comments posted: Thursday, May 2nd, 2024
Learning about OW’s character after the fact.
It has been a minute since I posted. Things are going well for me and FWH. Very well. Aside from usual ups and downs of life. We really work together and hold more space for each other than we did pre-A, a little more than 5 years ago now.
When I last posted, I was having difficulty because my beloved sports coach switched to OW’s team. Beloved coach was able to be sure that OW wouldn’t be on the team. We were told that she hadn’t been coached by them in a few years, due to a code of conduct issue. I thought/assumed someone had told the head coach about the A. Nope, she was actually caught cheating in a race. Mind you, these are endurance races. Nobody but the pros are gonna win. So, cheating in these classes is really kind of pointless. You’d just be cheating yourself out of beating yourself in the last best race. Stupid. But, someone who would cheat in a tri just for bragging rights is WHOA!? Next level.
FWH has done all the things. We enjoy and physical and emotional intimacy that is much richer than we had before, I think because he knows himself better and had done the very hard work to help me heal and help us. Not that it really matters at this point, but I really see that she possibly groomed him. And, she was playing for keeps. Which is likely why she was so aggressive with me. IDK, overthinking is my superpower.
Not that it gives me any greater peace. Just interesting. Not excusing FWH’s part in all this, but he’s made amends. She, my former friend, has not.
11 comments posted: Thursday, March 21st, 2024
How long
Had weeks of no triggers, days of not thinking about the A. And, then FWH wanted to watch Love Actually. I love that movie. It used to make me cry every year. I will never forgive Alan Rickman’s character for cheating with his secretary. I have no idea how his wife’s character could respond so calmly throughout it all. Little triggering, but not bad.
Found out this morning that my coach is switching to OW’s team….and then ran into OW….again.
Long haulers, I’d really love for this not to matter so much to me anymore. It’s gotten much, much better. I so wish that it didn’t affect me at all. I’ve done all the therapy. I’ve done EMDR. It’s not bad….but could it go away? How?
7 comments posted: Wednesday, December 13th, 2023
Just sad.....
I'm nearly 5 years out. Had an amazing and life changing (for the better) fall thus far. But, now there is just real life on the horizon. Just mortgage payments, and family drama, and the holidays coming....while in the midst of A season. Watching a TV show last night with two people falling into love, made me cry. Seeing the leaves turn, makes me cry.
He's reminding me to join him here and now. Which is great-ish. But, sometimes, I feel like I just need to be sad about it. And my being sad.....not suicidal, not enraged, not anything more than just wistfully sad-ish....he doesn't seem to understand. Or rather, he just wishes still wasn't a thing, I bet.
He's making me dinner. We're cuddling on the sofa watching movies. He's distracting me. But, I'm still a little weepy.
Look, I feel like we've come so very far....but it's just still there....simmering behind the scenes. I'm trying to be grateful and see the season....but it is just stuck in my body still, I guess.
I'm sure he feels like I should be over it. He's not pressuring me to be, exactly. He's just saying....be here with me now.
Any longer haulers out here. When did A season stop being as hard. I know it is improved over the years. But, I used to love this time of year and now it just makes me super sad.
13 comments posted: Wednesday, November 1st, 2023
Wasn't sure if this was better in Thankful Thursday.
In 3 days, I'll complete my first Ironman. Five years ago, my husband was training and racing for an Ironman with his female training partner....and thus began their brilliant idea to have an affair. Since then, I embraced the sport...which I've grown to love. I was training too, 5 years ago, but was a baby triathlete and just learning the ropes (OW was my mentor....yeah)
The last few weeks and months have been physically and emotionally demanding. Run ins with OW multiple times a week....and she's not sorry. I'm holding myself together trying to not lose my shit and make a scene....but it's been obvious that I've given her a lot of my power. In the last couple of weeks, I've taken that back.
1. I've done lots of self help reading....moderators take this down if needed, but I found a book....The Choice, by a holocaust survivor turned clinical psychologist specializing in trauma. She wrote this memoir/self help for trauma book in her 80s. Her focus on choosing your path forward whatever the journey was eye opening for me. She even divorced her husband and remarried him. 2. I may not have made a scene, but I've enlisted a lot more support. It's been nearly 5 years. I didn't keep it a secret when it Dday occurred, but I DID keep my discomfort and triggering a secret on all those training swims where OW just didn't respect her part of my pain and my desire to just politely ignore her and move on. So, virtually everyone important to me on those swims....knows now. Knows her name. Knows what I've been dealing with. And, they've come out in droves to support me. OW deserves friends and support - just not from me. Funnily enough, this is so common in the tri community that I've made a few more close friends who've been down this road and either R or D....but can empathize. I'm no longer keeping their shame a secret. It isn't mine to carry and I deserve support in those triggering times. I have to fix my own triggers, but I can enlist help. 3. Taper week crazies. Tapering is when you suddenly stop all the crazy workouts and rest in the week leading up to these races. And, if you use exercise to get through your demons.....all those demons show up on your doorstep. It's not been easy. FWH has stepped up. He's human, but I've also been able to express my needs - which I stuffed down before in favor of what he needed- in this week. He's showed up. Particularly with me on the boat last night.....and having him there, rubbing my back...reassuring me helped. Earlier in the week, tongue in cheek, I said....ya know....sometimes I feel like you're a really lucky dumbass over this. He acknowledged that he definitely had been a dumbass, that those days are long gone, that he's VERY lucky....and I feel lucky too. I still miss the fairytale. But, I like this the man I'm married so much more. He is present in ways he never was before. He leans in.
He used to say, pre - A, that we didn't need MC. He said we had a "Porsche" marriage. Lol......now we have a Ferrari. They are finicky m-fr's. They require a lot of maintenance. They are not the most comfortable to drive. But, they're a lot of fun and a big adventure (not that I've owned one....but, got to test drive one once).
So this weekend, rather than celebrating his birthday on the day, my FWH is going to be there clapping and supporting me. OW will likely be hanging too - as this was her community before it was mine. But, she's the Pinto now. This is my bookend to this experience, and I'm going to burn it down.
14 comments posted: Friday, September 22nd, 2023
Nothing new....
Nothing new to see here. Going into my first Ironman in 11 days. Totally first world probs. After all the triggering, decided to try another EDMR session just to make running into OW not such a thing. 1. 5 out of 7 days of runs ins plus EMDR....yep do not recommend. 2. Aftermath of emdr makes me attack FWH....again do not recommend. Thankfully, he's actually in the kitchen making me dinner because he knows what I'm trying to do...and it's one thing he can do. 3. We're actually 4.5 years out and mostly in a better place (except for the ramped up run ins). It isn't lost on me that I'm CHOOSING to be in a space where OW is. Choosing to own it. Doing this, everyone asks what my why is. Am I pathetic that it is....F-you? It feels pathetic. I just want to finish. Skipped the crazy boat workout this evening, where she usually follows me around, because I just don't have the energy for that.
And also, I'm in that weird emotional space leading up to this....where, I'm sure if I hadn't shielded myself from this....I'd totally be vulnerable to an affair.
Did I also say....that this is such a common thing that divorce by triathlon is a topic on every Tri-club's page?
4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
{no soliciting}
Similar to the study that was announced here.....there is a MC on TikTok that conducted a study with around 1500 WS. I know....tiktok....probably doesn't seem like a credible place to look for advice. But, some of the information she's been publishing there is really interesting and validating. Like 60% of the respondents said they cheated, once and never again. That the most common length of an A 2-6 months. That WS were usually going through their own terrible place. That many claimed to love their BS. That the vast majority stayed in the marriage and worked toward R. She has a website. She's doesn't excuse A, but seemed to explain it in a way that I could digest without going down the shame spiral myself. Check it out, if you're so inclined.
1 comment posted: Monday, September 4th, 2023
The gift that keeps on giving.....
Had a major drama with FWH. We are in real estate. OW's parents are selling their home. FWH asked if I'd have a problem if we bought it....not to live in....but to develop the property. It's a deal. OW's parents know us. Know the whole story, as OBS outted it to them.
Now...FWH didn't hide that it the property came up on his radar. Didn't hide that he knew who owned it. And asked what I thought about it. Those are all new behaviors. During and pre-A....he wouldn't have consulted me. We have made some progress. I didn't answer him at first. I was just trying to process it. He did it at the end of a beautifully romantic dinner we were having. It was kind of like the record needle dramatically scratching. He had forgotten that he and OW and said parents made our family Christmas dinner during the A. My family of origin is complicated to say the least, and FWH and OW sold it as providing a family Christmas when I didn't have one. Little did I know that this was their way of getting to spend the holiday together.... 
Conveniently,he didn't initially recall that. The idea came from a builder partner of ours. FWH told said partner that he knew the owners and that I might not like the idea (ya think?) because he used to workout with their daughter and then said....."nothing happened". This he told me.
I get that he didn't want to out himself to the builder friend. It's been nearly 5 years. But, I lost it. Seriously, considering the property....given that this is my business....I can excuse, I had to take a moment to think about how it might benefit us long term....and it would. But, the "nothing happened" BS just took me back to trigger hell. 1. He said this all the time during the affair. 2. He threw me under the bus, made me out to be the unreasonably jealous wife.
When he saw my reaction, he took the whole idea off the table with the builder and said I wouldn't be happy, because of mistakes he had made regarding OW. Or at least that is what he told me. Do I believe that 100%, hell no. I told him this lying is "affair" behavior and I won't be around for it.
I'm trying to look at what he did do that was different. And those are positive, I guess. But, that I had to tell me what to do at all, makes me think that I'll never get away from this. That he's not fundamentally changed. To be honest, things have been really pretty good with us for a long while. But, this one had me really wondering if this hard work was worth it at all.
18 comments posted: Wednesday, August 23rd, 2023
Recovery happens when it happens. You're not doing it wrong.
This is terrible. I met a man a few days ago....another person doing triathlon. I was in a bad place. On a training swim. OW was there, again. I'll be happy when I no longer physically react as if there is a tiger in the room. When this happens....I look anxious (understandably so). Most of the time, I can pass it off as nerves about whatever swim is coming up. This time I couldn't. It was the second time I ran into her in one day. FWH and son were out of town. I was physically and emotionally alone to deal with the aftermath of the A. Mind you, this was after another woman has shared some TMI triathlon thing. He asked and I answered...."I got into tri because my husband was training with someone, here on this boat whom I won't name, and they had the brilliant idea to have an A. FWH and I, we're in a much better place, but the running into OW is hard for me and I know once I begin the swim...things will be better". He responded that the same thing had happened to him. His ex left him for HER training partner. Then he showed me the scar on his wrist. He was so broken up by it that he had attempted suicide. Suicide. He's good now. But, could attest to just how hard this all is. We're triathletes. The physical part of that is so much easier than the triggers.
Often FWH, my BFF, our son....all those who are close to me who know about the A....remind me to be strong. That I won....blah, blah, blah. And, then I'll beat myself up for not leaving (because I love him). Or not doing recovery quickly enough or right? They're tired of it. I'm tired of it.
It gave me a little bit of comfort to know....I'm not doing it too slow or wrong. I often wanted to get in the car and drive off into the distance away from all of this. Never to the point of suicidal ideation, but not far off in the darkest days. It is MUCH better now.
It takes just as long as it takes.
4 comments posted: Saturday, July 29th, 2023
Something of a dilemma….and very minor. Extra points for responses that help me laugh through this
So, OW in my case is a triathlete, as am I. It’s a very small community. Very the longest time, after DDay she was, in my mind, really aggressive. DIdn’t have the sense to just give me space. We run into each other at events and sometimes during workouts. I do my best to politely ignore, but she still shows up and tries to talk to me. So many photos of her and her new BF standing inches away from me while I have my back to her. Like she either wants to talk to me or they have a weird fascination in hearing an update of our story.
I imagine that she’s made me out to be the villain in her story. No telling what FWH told her about me or not…to get into her pants. I digress.
A mutual friend/athlete, who knows, set up a group chat to organize some workouts. Of course, we’re both on the chat with 100 other people. It’s be 4.5 years since DDay and it still stings to see OW’s name/face/car….whatever. Doesn’t sting as bad, but still sucks. When I discovered OW there, I left the chat. And, then promptly had quite a few other athletes, who don’t know, ask me why I left. Mutual friend knows the story, but didn’t realize we were both there until I left when she messaged to apologize. Leaving messaged everyone, including OW that I had left. I immediately had myself added back. If I make OW half as uncomfortable by my presence, it’s a win. I know this is stupid and petty in the grand scheme of things. I also know from how she and her BF follow me around at events that this will likely lead to communication that I don’t want. Though, I also don’t want OW to have the satisfaction of pushing me away from things I want to do. But, I also don’t want to see her face.
I keep telling myself that she’s nothing special. She was just available and willing. Human, flawed. It’s ok if not everyone thinks she’s the antichrist…as I would naturally do. She is deserving of friends and compassion and maybe has grown or changed (but I doubt it).
I keep trying to plan what I might say if a confrontation does come, as I still have a hard time making words when these things happen. I don’t want to cause a scene, as that will likely fuel some narrative.
Anyone here deal with an OW who was a sister or friend. I don’t want to change my life or quit the sport that keeps me from keying her car. This was a double betrayal in my situation. I won’t be having any relationship with this person. She isn’t worthy of the time it took to write this post. Just looking for suggestions if you often run into Others.
45 comments posted: Monday, July 3rd, 2023
Really…..4 yr old triggers…..
Mostly, I just read or stay away. I’d say we’re 85-90% there. I’m super grateful for that. It’s been an eventful year. Suddenly empty nesters. FWH planned all sorts of wonderful adventures….and we ticked them off our list.
I feel like such an idiot even writing this. Mostly, I feel like I won. I like the guy I’m married to now much better than pre-A. I get triggered and 90% of the time, I process it and don’t let it change my day. There are plenty of triggery places and events. It’s a small, small town. I still work out at the gym and occasionally run into OW. She was a "friend". Most of the time I’m ok. It is just something that happened.
A few weeks ago, FWH was in a bad accident. He didn’t remember how it happened and came to in an ambulance. Thankful, he was with a male friend, they were riding bikes. Male friend is a friend of our marriage and made sure he was ok. I had been out of town and rushed back. And, thankfully, FWH is going to be ok. It’s been a nearly 3 week recovery for him. He’s still not completely recovered and in pain. I’m sure he’s frustrated by that. Lots of time home from work. He’s almost always on the go, and this is a real challenge for him. I’ve been doing a lot of care taking, which mostly I’m happy to do. But, while in pain….FWH reverts to being an insensitive jerk and said something extremely triggering last night. Nothing serious, he just wasn’t thinking. The A happened while I was doing something that I loved….he waited until I was at church or out with girlfriends….even four years later….I’ll do those things, but they give me pause. He said something silly about how he thought I was staying home to take care of him because I didn’t trust him. He’s in pain and angry about it. Made me totally want to go back through his devices - which he will give up freely.
What’s worse for me is that, I’m so angry with myself….for being THAT wife….the one he cheated on. I know I should be grateful of where we are. But, these little slips, these human slips….it’s not even A related really….just puts me in that "I’m outta here" mode.
Told him about it….he brought home flowers….and apologizes. Just so angry that this is a part of my life at all.
5 comments posted: Thursday, April 27th, 2023
It's not Thursday, but I'm thankful
We had a bit of an adventure for the holidays. I had to travel for work on the 23rd. Our family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. It is a big to do. My family is second generation Ukrainian. We have a very elaborate Christmas Eve meal....a bit like a seder. 12 courses, homemade pierogi, etc.
As I was out of town, FWH called to let me know...1. The heat was out. and 2. The stove stopped working. The next morning, he went to 3 hardware/box stores to find the 1 and only gas range that was in stock. As he was installing it....our power went out.....for 8 hours. So he found us a kerosine heater and I made Christmas Eve by candlelight. Just as we finished the preparations, the power came back on.
I really tried to just say....well do this another day....many times. He wouldn't let me, because he knows how important it is to me. It was the best Christmas EVER.
5 comments posted: Monday, December 26th, 2022
Down to usually a trigger a month or so
But when they come.....damn. I'm almost 4 years out. When they hit, I go into full on flight or fight....I'm googling divorce lawyers, etc. We've reached a point where things are good, maybe a little too comfortable. Not in a suspicious way, but in a "this is no longer a crisis" mode.
5 comments posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2022
