EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
Two steps forward, one giant leap back.
Complicated story here, but it is a small town and there are few options for triathlon training coaching here. FWH and my coach has left the country. The other big team is OW's coaching team. FWH's new male training partner is great friends with OW's coach. FWH has been giving me the full court press on how he should be "allowed" to switch teams. Truthfully, up to this point.....he's been doing all the things he should. He thinks that if he just continues to avoid her, but works out with his male training partner on her team.....I should be ok. And, has said some ENORmously shitty things about this being a "me" problem. We just came back from an amazing adventure together, but it was tainted by this. We've had 4 knock down drag-out fights over this. I'm pretty clear....this will not happen in my marriage2.0. Calm until I can't be. Things culminated the night before last when I was just done. Kicked him out of the bedroom. He stupidly told me he was filing in the morning (yesterday). I told him to go for it. Honestly, I was fully prepared and calm about that as a distinct possibility. I felt like, if this is the hill that he's going to die on....so be it.
The idea of being on the same team.....won't EVER be ok. I called the new training partner and explained. New training partner has been through this on the other side. I guess the "go for it" hit FWH hard enough. He emailed, called, texted, and left a note under the door of our marriage counselor - who had told us...."guys...you're good" not that long ago. Thankfully, he was able to see us for a marathon session last night. During which, twice I had to leave. MC prevailed upon H just what a dumbshit he was being. That these are the consequences, no matter how much of a poster child he's being in recovery....I will ALWAYS need him to avoid ANY semblance of proximity perceived or otherwise. H grudgingly agreed....is still a little pissy about me not being "recovered enough"for this. After chatting with the new training partner, I KNOW H is not looking to switch teams to be closer to OW - but just wants to keep up training and friendship with the male training partner. Male training partner's XW was the cheater. And, being around him has been helpful for H.
Yes, friends....I know this is a sport. I'm hooked on it now too. Honestly, being able to do this has been a godsend for me - in spite of all the potential triggers. It has given me the strength to let go of the outcome and also stand up for myself in ways I never would have pre-A.
MC sent us home last night with instructions not to talk about it with each other for a few days. We're back on the MC's regular schedule. H was DEEP in a shame spiral in the session. I don't think HE'S as recovered as he thinks he might be. Crazy as it sounds. We left the MC's went on to have a nice dinner out and went to a comedy club....and actually had a nice night. My brain hurts from the spinning.
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
13 comments posted: Friday, September 17th, 2021
Nothing new. Just recovery not being linear, blah blah blah. Had a great month. Ran into OW....again....today. Would REALLY like this to be less of a thing and to remember that I "won". I sort of did. We're much, much better. Trying. Though, feeling sometimes that the trying is SO hard. 2 years, 4 months out from DDay. I know it will be ok.....today it's just hard.
6 comments posted: Friday, September 10th, 2021
Need some input about running into OW
I'm looking for input from waywards here. I'm the BS. FWH and I are 2 1/2 years post DDay. Our marriage is better than ever. He's present. We've done so well our MC has said...."guys...you're good". Don't come back for awhile. Triggers are generally down. Not saying they don't happen, but we deal with them well.
We've done all the work and are reaping great benefits. I own that I was 50% of the marriage vulnerable to the A. We're focusing on making a better future everyday. Most days, I'm almost weirdly grateful that we have a chance to build what we're building.
My trouble stems from the OW. We were more acquaintances than friends. Once the A started. FWH and OW went all in to try to encourage a closer friendship between me and OW. I was starting to like her....but something always felt a bit off. It was a double betrayal that hit hard.
All 3 of us are triathletes. The female tri community is a very small world. I could change sports - but I don't want to. All the crazy exercise, in many ways, has helped me get through this and continues to. OW knows I don't want to see her. With very few exceptions, we're able to politely ignore each other. I feel like those exceptions have been from her....but I'm sure I've not been gracious in her presence (nor do I expect to be...ever). From where I sit, OW keeps pushing the envelope of interaction with me.
Last night, she choose to sit about 12 inches from me. It was difficult, but I just stayed in my lane....focused on what I needed to get done and tried my best to ignore her. The story in my mind is that 1. She's always sat there....and didn't want to change because of my presence and my presence is probably upsetting to her. Or 2. She's just irrevocably selfish and cruel and just enjoys pushing my buttons. Or. 3. is trying to engage a dialogue.....IDK....hell, it's really unnerving to see her at all.
In my mind, if I was the OW, I'd avoid any interaction with the BW like the plague. I'd feel really ashamed and guilty....but I don't know. I feel like, if I could just understand why a OW would behave in this way, it might help me to move forward. As it is, it is an extremely hard trigger to work around. And, usually, our paths cross with no interaction every few weeks. Last night's proximity just baffles me.
I promise no Wayward bashing from me. My BFF is a recovered wayward. Eventually OW will matter less to me at all....but will never hold friend space in my world. I know OW is human and deserves love and friendship, like we all do - just not from me.
21 comments posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021