DD asked if we could go for a drive tonight.
Took the kids out into the hills, silent and a beautiful moon overhead. So grateful to have them, and was briefly seized with a terror-
I don’t ever want them to feel the pain their Mother suffers.
I know I’m so lucky to have them and know that they feel their father’s love. And I know I can’t shield them from the world.
And I can’t believe the grace FIL and MIL continue to afford me.
Grateful. Sad our lessons are so hard-learned.
6 comments posted: Saturday, January 30th, 2021
Fixed vs growth mindsets. This is a little bit dated but it was just sent my way and is really relevant. Especially this statement:
“To Dweck’s devastation, the most toxic byproduct of the fixed mindset turned out to be dishonesty”
A great perspective on how we view and respond to the challenge of “failure.” This on the heels of “Rising Strong” where Brene Brown points out that we have such a broad spectrum of failures to face:
Compare minor revisions on a document for work to restructuring your life while adapting to the knowledge that your actions drastically and painfully altered that structure for other people. (Yup, even in the two I tip my hand on the challenge of labeling)
How have folks here adapted to understanding, responding to, and recovering from the shame of failure?
6 comments posted: Friday, January 1st, 2021
Am lucky enough to be in Alaska for a few weeks. Walking to work in the snow the other morning brought me to one of my favorite poems, one that I haven’t revisited since betraying my family. Was a perfect reminder of the beauty of this journey, no matter how cold.
“Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”
11 comments posted: Friday, October 16th, 2020
The journey continues:
Have been on a 5 week work trip away from home. It bears a LOT of similarity to the time when the A started 4 years ago. I have been prepared better thanks to sober fellowship and a plan for dealing with anxiety and isolation.
Things that have occurred
- Work has only slight similarities right now, but I found myself wishing for a LESS FAVORABLE outcome today than ideal just to prove a peer right, and another one wrong. It was the kind of scenario I found myself in frequently at start of A, and it’s an interesting parallel to see how eager I was to have a personal “win” at expense of a far broader “win...” Wayward mentality that I really didn’t recognize in this sphere, as such...
- Most jarring, interesting... Have had a couple dreams in the past week involving R.
***First night, the dream had what’s best described as a “pharmaceutical ad” vibe, everything was sunny and joyful. In the dream we acknowledged that it took us a long time to reach this point and hard work continued, but we were both all in, and this was “a step in the right direction for us.”***
***Next night, the dream was drastically different. An overwhelming sense of dread and weight. I don’t remember conversation within this dream, but I remember the look of defeat and resignation from BW, and it permeated everything in that atmosphere.***
This series of dreams continues to refine how I view the future. Most importantly it continues to highlight the distinctions between what R could be for either of us. Bottom line, I continue to relearn that R is not good for her. And my mind appears to be helping reiterate that now.
4 comments posted: Tuesday, October 13th, 2020
Season, grieving, process
It’s now the two year mark of real heinous behavior on my part. Feeling it hard as always, wishing it could be discussed but knowing it’s not relevant.
Really a challenge and fighting what I know is unreasonable guilt that I am mourning my M more than my father’s death. I know intuitively that there’s no wrong way. I also know that he made it very easy to write him off years ago when he for all intents and purposes gave up on life. Mom said the week after the funeral that she was realizing “She was already used to living alone.” I think I’m blaming him for that, so I dunno- Won’t do me any good, and it’s perhaps better prepared HER for this new chapter. She’s really doing well, and all around her continue to step up, so she is well cared for. DD has told me a couple times she misses Papa, so I know it’s on their mind. Offered to discuss but she doesn’t want to because that makes her too sad. That worries me a bit.
Working 12 steps is slow going- I’m ok with that. I understand I have my whole life to get this right, and I don’t expect miraculous change. I am grateful for healthy friends (in and out of the program) and I am doing as much as I can in light of COVID. Putting some intermediate goals in place to ensure that I can find my way to a fulfilling future regardless of outcome.
I dunno, I guess I’m ok(?) Just kind of need to put that here because well, I feel like it. Thanks you guys.
21 comments posted: Saturday, August 8th, 2020