Never let your fear decide your fate
venting, I guess
I am a mess lately, and I feel like I'm getting worse. Tuesday is technically my wedding anniversary, and I can't even do the math to figure out what number (1997 for anyone who cares). My therapist called in sick today, so I guess I'm posting here.
I'm finally moving solidly forward with the separation agreement. WH's been dragging his feet, keeps whining about me giving up, keeps saying we've got more left together, does all the surface stuff of life (love bombing?) but still hasn't gone deeper. Only does stuff for me that he thinks I need, doesn't really listen to what I've told him I need. He's actually been doing the paperwork for refinancing the house. He's whined about isn't there any way we can stay together. He's keeping the house and I need money from it to get me a place to live. Yesterday he turned from whiny to mad. I helped him get documentation he needs for refinancing. Yesterday morning, he texted me literally begging me to stay with him. He gets mad if I don't answer his texts right away, especially the love bombing ones. Then he'll take it out on me by taking away the love bombing.
Two days ago we were sitting on the couch and I had gotten some texts from him hours after he sent them and he told me it puts him in a bad mood when I don't answer him right away. I've told him plenty of times that for many reasons I don't sit by my phone and pounce on every text and immediately reply. That's absurd.
He's submitted all his paperwork for the refinance and we are definitely on the path of separation, so why do I feel like shit? Why can't I stop feeling bad that he's mad and lashing out at me? This is why I never rocked the boat and pushed for anything before now. He just pouts when he doesn't get his way. I'm not a strong willed person with big ideas of my own so I didn't have a problem going along with him. Until now. And now I have no practice and my body is just over it and wants to give up. My instinct is to comfort him, then I will feel better. But I guess that's only short term and I've come this far, but its so hard to keep going.
Why is it getting harder and not better?
Only a couple more weeks, then we tell the kids. Hopefully I'll be able to look for a place to live by then. Will it get better then?
5 comments posted: Thursday, July 8th, 2021
I presented a first round Separation Agreement that my lawyer drew up to my WH a week or so ago. He doesn't have a lawyer and it's a toss up as to whether he'll ever get one or not. He's looked over it with the help of someone (a friend, I guess) and emailed me back last night with a list of items in response. We haven't sat down and discussed anything, and I forwarded his list to my lawyer without commenting on it in order to get her impression without my thoughts biasing her beforehand.
I'd like to get your thoughts and opinions on a few child-related items as well, if you please. Our children are both 14, just finished 8th grade.
1. So, WH very often traveled for work. He has barely traveled at all since Covid, but I think it's reasonable to expect that he really could travel again at any time. I had it put in the Separation Agreement under Child Custody, that if either of us travel for work during our regular custodial time, we are not entitled to make-up time unless mutually agreed upon in writing. He's come back with wanting to be compensated for a percentage between 25% - 40% of the time he would miss with the kids when traveling for work.
2. He says there needs to be a statement that neither party may discuss the terms of the separation with the children at any point.
3. According to my lawyer, the standard child custody schedule is 2-2-5-5. WH says that's too much back and forth for the kids and would prefer a 7 day schedule. What are your experiences with schedules that work best for your kids at this age and why?
8 comments posted: Friday, June 11th, 2021