I hate Saturdays
It's my one full day of being completely alone, and I absolutely hate it. I try to spend the majority of the day away from home. I walk around the usual stores, try not to spend too much money. I also try to go for a run that day when my knee is feeling good. However, while I'm trying to keep myself busy, that's when I find myself falling into the slump and shame spiral. I get so envious of the couples and families I see walking around. It's never good. I then go home and just stare at the clock waiting for it to be 7:30 so I can't talk to our daughter.
It doesn't matter if I'm alone or with a friend. This past Saturday I took a class with a friend, and all of the feelings were still there. She and I went to lunch afterwards and to some stores, but I still watched all of the couples and families with a heavy feeling of sadness. A cashier at a store noticed I was down. She asked with that certain tone "are you doing ok today?" I could feel the tears start to come. I told her it was really hot out.
It's always there.
9 comments posted: Monday, June 14th, 2021
Before You Go
I fell by the wayside, like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
But I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone
All I hear are the words that I needed to say
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal but this won't
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
Was never the right time, whenever you called
Went little, by little, by little until there was nothing at all
Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal but this won't
[Chorus]
Would we be better off by now
If I'd let my walls come down?
Maybe I guess we'll never know
You know, you know
Before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
I hope Lewis Capaldi's song will help relationships. Whether it helps them grow stronger and survive or it helps them realize the relationship needs to end.
People need to talk. Spouses need to talk. Partners need to talk. You never know how someone is truly feeling unless you talk and they open up.
That's what I would tell all new couples and newlyweds.
Just talk to each other.
2 comments posted: Wednesday, January 27th, 2021
Challenging Myself
This first part is an absolute brag because I am damn proud of myself.
This past Saturday I ran in my second 5k. I beat my last time by 1:88! This race had 376 more runners. I placed 5th out of 44 women in my age group, 59th out 386 women overall, and 137th out of 630 runners!! I couldn't believe it. As soon as I finished and saw my time, I texted N because he has started running too. He did a 5k around halloween and placed 1st for his age group! I yelled out to my dad that I beat my time. He was there with my daughter. As she saw me run up to the finish line, she started running on the side. She ran around the gate and screamed with excitement for me. She wants to do that run next year.... we'll start with the 1 mile fun run/walk. It was a great feeling to know that I beat my time and in the cold weather. It was 33°, my toes were numb 🥶🥶
I just signed up for a 4 seasons challenge where if you run these 4 certain races, then all of the medals connect to each other to form one big medal. Three of them will be 5ks and one will be a quarter marathon 😬😬 I have some time for that one to build up my stamina.
Never did I think that I would actually really enjoy running when I started this summer. I can only run on days when I do have her or if my dad is watching her. On the days when I can't, I actually miss running. That's strange to say, but true. I didn't push myself to do the half marathon earlier this month like I wanted to. That kind of bummed me out because I really let my dad's words get into my head. He said I couldn't do it and that it would be too hard. I did train for it because I thought he was probably right. I definitely would have walked a bunch of it, but I also think I would have really pushed myself to run most of it. I may have not been able to move afterwards, but I would have gotten it done.
That will be my running goal for 2021, to run a half marathon.
7 comments posted: Thursday, December 17th, 2020
Anxiety
Can you feel it coming on?
For me it's kind of like a tightening around my heart. I then get this sense of fear, and I know that I will soon have a mini breakdown and cry my eyes out. I'm having one right now.
I can pinpoint what causes it, but to avoid those things would mean that I could only watch sports channels or the news while avoiding all commercials. Seeing anything that reminds me of things that I have lost, causes it. Scrolling through Instagram and seeing sweet husband/wife reels or family reels does it. Watching tv where a couple is together or there's a two parent family or any hint of infidelity, causes it.
I know, "get your shit together and that will help." That's a hell of a lot easier said than done. On top of the daily anxiety feeling, I'm also just lying to myself. For part of the day, I will feel ok, like everything is going to be ok. I'm going to be happy again because I deserve that. My daughter will grow up a happy child because her parents are both happy in their lives. Then POOF it's all gone. I sit there realizing that I have just been lying to myself. I'm not ok. I truly don't think I will ever be happy again. A part of me does not think I deserve that. I worry all the time that our daughter will not be happy because of the choices we made. Then the anxiety sits on top of that, and it makes for a lovely time in my head and chest.
Now I'll do my usual of faking it all so that I can spend a few minutes with my daughter before getting ready for school and hope that the breakdown happens before I get there.
6 comments posted: Tuesday, October 27th, 2020
Accomplishment
A couple of weeks ago, I found a 5K run. I contemplated signing up, then finally I did.
I did it this morning!! I ran my first 5k marathon in 30.27 minutes. I am so damn proud of myself! I finished 13th out of 150 women, 2nd out of 21 women in my age group, 57th out 240 racers!!!!!!! I didn't think I would place, so I left before the race officially ended and missed my award. I called them to see what happens, and they said I can come by tomorrow to get it. I plan on wearing my medal all day tomorrow at school. My students said they wanted to see it. 😁😁
It felt amazing! I had a huge smile on my face when I started and huge smile when I crossed the finish line. I've been running that distance on the streets by my home, but they're hilly so it usually takes me almost 40 minutes to run them. I really wanted to run today's race in 30 minutes. Once I came around the last corner,saw the finish line and the time I was at, I started running faster. My dad was at the finish line recording my accomplishment. I've already started looking up future races because I definitely want to run more of them.
[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 11:18 AM, October 11th (Sunday)]
18 comments posted: Sunday, October 11th, 2020
Painful, but happy realization with daughter
So, I posted this to my FB this weekend, the day after our divorce was finalized. That same day I had an online therapy session and told my therapist about this. I sent it to her after I posted it. It was definitely a HUGE step for me to be so open and vulnerable to people, especially ones I rarely speak to. Lots of female friends commented saying how they too felt the same thing or how they were thankful that they weren't the only ones who felt like this. I thought I would share it here since you all have seen my struggles for the past year.
This isn't easy to write. I feel ashamed, angry, sad, disappointed, and mostly at myself. If any of my words can help at least one woman, then I guess it's worth it.
I have been a mom for 6.5 years, and I have just now fallen in love with my daughter. It hurts to write that and acknowledge it, but it's my truth. I always wanted to be a mom. I thought I would be amazing at it because I loved kids. It didn't work like that. I got pregnant and didn't get to fully enjoy it like I see women on social media do. Then post partum hit me, and I didn't handle it at all. I didn't get the help I needed. I didn't reach out to N like I should have. I told myself that I had to be strong and nothing was wrong with me. Then my mom's cancer progressed and took her from us. I had to be strong. I couldn't let my daughter see me sad and broken. The lie of "I'm ok" grew and grew. The mask I wore my whole life was now glued to my face. N would try to peel it off, but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't be vulnerable. That wasn't ok.
My daughter takes after us so much, in that she is so stubborn and strong willed. I couldn't be strong with her. I let her tiny words and behavior affect me so much. I let them burrow into my head and make me think that I was an awful mom and she didn't deserve me as a mom. I let them skew how I perceived things. I have always loved my daughter and would do anything for her, but there was always this BUT. But she drives me insane. But she is so mean to me. But she disrespects me. But I don't deserve a daughter like her. But she deserves better. But she is just a child and I felt all of that. What is wrong with me? What kind of mom feels like that?
I wasn't strong like I kept telling myself. I was extremely weak and broken. I couldn't even be vulnerable with myself. I made horrible hurtful choices. I broke my family apart. N and I separated. We each lost time with our daughter. I missed her terribly and thought my relationship with her would get better. It was hard. I had my good days with her and then I had my bad days. I still thought she deserved a better mom. It's been a year of this back and forth, and with in the past few weeks, my feelings for her have changed.
All of a sudden I fell in love with my daughter. Again, I've always loved her and would do anything for her happiness, but this was a new feeling. I am so grateful that I work at the same school she does. I find myself sneaking over to her class just to look at her. I feel this immense pride to have her as my daughter. When she hugs me and gives me a kiss, I can feel my heart healing. When she's not with me, I miss her so much.
I know that N and I will do everything possible to make sure that she has a better childhood than we had. We will make sure that she will never have to see or hear or feel what we felt as kids. My therapist said that we both have this "badassery" when it comes to our daughter, and I couldn't agree more. It's so hard to be a parent. Society puts this pressure on mom's to be the best, to love your kid more than the next mom, to be the perfect mom, to never feel anything other than love towards your child. And if you are not all of those things, then you're a piece of shit mom. I won't let myself think that I am a piece of shit mom anymore because I'm not. I know that. I hope (dd) will know that too as she grows up.
If you read all of this, thank you for listening to me. This wasn't easy to type. I've always been the person who cared what others thought of her. If you're a parent/mom and feel any this, then tell society and all that pressure to go to hell. You're a good parent
4 comments posted: Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
We are divorced
He texted me Friday night to let me know the company we used emailed him to say that our divorce was granted. Oklahoma is very fast if both parties agree on everything.
I texted him back saying how I held out this small bit of hope that I would never receive that text even though I caused it.
I broke down crying when he sent the text. Our daughter was with him, so she didn't have to hear or see me. I woke up Saturday and just laid in bed. I couldn't move. I eventually got up and then sat on the kitchen floor crying.
Sunday morning when he dropped our daughter off, I asked her to go inside for a minute so I could speak to him. Once she was out of sight, I hugged him and cried. He put his hand on my back and stayed silent. We then made some small talk. I thought he was about to turn around to leave, but instead he hugged me. We both stood there crying.
The reality of being divorced, having to call him my ex, comes and goes. I'll have moments when I'm fine and then BAM. Everything stops. My heart pounds. My stomach feels empty. I can't move. The complete and utter sadness just washes over me.
Sometimes, this still doesn't feel like real life.
17 comments posted: Monday, September 28th, 2020
Had a realization today
While driving to school today, I had a realization. I don't even know what made the thought flood into my head, but it hit me hard.
I realized that my uncomfortableness /shutting it down with being vulnerable came from my mom. I would go to her upset and crying begging her to stop fighting with my dad or to finally get a divorce because I was tired of having to break up their physical fights. She would always tell me that I was overreacting and crazy to think that they had issues.
I would be crying having just finished pulling her away from hitting my day before he could hit her back, and she would say "if you think I'm such a bad mom then move out and go live with someone else." I heard that many times from her throughout my childhood/teenage years.
When I would beg my aunt or brother to come help me stop the fighting between my parents, they would say that they were tired of it and didn't want to come. I was a damn child, and they left it up to me.
If I cried about anything, then I was overreacting. HOWEVER, if I wasn't there to comfort her when she was upset, then it was because I didn't love her.
At 16, after being told that I must have not remembered correctly about being touched sexually by uncle, I'm pretty sure that's when I stopped being vulnerable with anyone. What was the point? I grew up only knowing people telling me that I was silly or overreacting or lying about my feelings.
I started crying while driving, trying to not let my daughter see it. I didn't want to start her day like that. I started worrying that I would do that to my daughter one day. I don't want to be my mom. I want my daughter to know that we will always listen to her and never tell her that she is being silly for feeling a certain way. I try to be mindful of that. I always ask her everyday how her day was, the good and the bad. When she mentions how she's upset that we aren't a whole family still, I tell her that I understand and that it's ok to be upset by it. I'm always telling her, especially lately, that's it's ok if she's not always happy or if she wants to cry.
But I still worry that negative little bits of my mom will come out of me. I never thought that my mom was perfect, but I also never realized just how much she screwed me up.
3 comments posted: Friday, September 18th, 2020
Depression
It's only getting worse. Unless I am in the middle of teaching, my mind instantly goes to being depressed and feeling all the negative/sad feelings.
I texted him last Sunday to come pick up our daughter for a little bit because I didn't want her to see me like this.
There are very few moments where I don't feel the depression front and center.
I want to feel better. I am tired of everything. I am tired of having to make myself feel better. I am tired of being angry and disappointed with myself. I am tired of being jealous of couples that I see everywhere.
20 comments posted: Sunday, September 13th, 2020
Good days are quickly drowned
To start with, it is a daily struggle for me to allow myself to have good days. I know I should have good days and welcome them, but it's still hard. It doesn't feel right after what I did.
When I do have several good days in a row, they are quickly drowned out by negative thoughts. I will see something or remember something or think about things I did, and I start falling into a dark hole. I feel my attitude quickly drop and become sad. Everything around me kind of blurs out, and my body gets really heavy. If I'm alone, then I let the tears roll down. Eventually, the awful heavy feeling goes away, but the good day is gone.
Today started good then quickly went away. I was in a store texting N about something regarding our daughter. He took what I asked the wrong way and thought I was questioning his dad abilities. I explained why I asked the question, but felt awful. I felt awful for making him think that I didn't think he could do something. I quickly left the store and started crying while walking to the next store. I picked up what I needed, but everything was blurred out and that heavy feeling was there. Eventually it went away, and the rest of the afternoon was fine. I took care of some chores once I got home and went for a run. I was all ready to start painting when the depressed feeling came back. Now I'm sitting here typing this up.
Does this happen to anyone else?
9 comments posted: Saturday, August 29th, 2020
Trying new things
So I decided to try painting. It's not the usual, paint an image kind painting. I found these different techniques called Dutch Pour and Pour Painting. The trio is a Dutch pour where I used a blow dryer to move the paint around. The tiny canvas, I just moved the paint around. The two small canvases were actually done by my daughter! It's really fun. I plan on creating another trio, triptych, this weekend. I didn't really like the way the first one came out.
**Ok so I messed up on the URL. I will try to figure it out again.
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[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 11:01 PM, August 21st (Friday)]
13 comments posted: Friday, August 21st, 2020
Would have been wedding anniversary
Saturday would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. Our daughter will be with him all day, so I need to figure out things to do that day to keep my mind occupied.
I'm wanting to create a large painting to go above my bed. I also want to "hike" through these trails. I've only ever been with him as he knows how to get through them, so going alone will be new. They're nothing crazy, but knowing me, I will get lost. I figure if I go early enough, then I'll have plenty of time to find my way out before dark. 😆 It's a populated trails. So while I may be lost for a few minutes, I know I'll see people that I can ask or just follow out.
Those will be two things that I have never done.
This week alone has been an extra dose of reality. I've been shopping around to refinance, had to figure out my own home owners insurance policy, and just found out that there is a HUGE possibility that I won't be teaching my normal grade. Our numbers are so low that we have to remove a class from our grade. The principal said I wouldn't be leaving, which is great, I just won't know what I'm teaching until who knows when. We are supposed to begin in a few weeks.
My brain is very tired.
[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 12:14 PM, August 13th (Thursday)]
9 comments posted: Wednesday, August 12th, 2020
Physical touch being a csa victim
Forgive me because I may just ramble, but I just had a thought or maybe a realization.
For those who were a victim/survivor of CSA did you find yourself having an aversion to physical touch from someone older than you?
Backstory (trigger): when I was a young girl 6-12ish I would have to go to my aunt/uncle's house before and after school. My uncle was always getting fired so he was the main adult home for me. Every time I entered the door he would "playfully" hit me, it first started like around my arms but then moved. He would always hit me on my chest and then eventually moved down between my legs. I would try to avoid it but didn't think any of it. I honestly don't remember how old I was when the big assault happened.
We were the only ones in the house. I was upstairs while he was downstairs on the computer. He called me down and asked for a favor. He was playing a computer game of golf and needed some luck. Yes, he actually said that. He had me kneel down beside him and took out a handkerchief. He told me to put my hand on his leg while he tied the fabric around us. He told me to rub his leg to bring him luck in the game. I don't remember how long I did it or if he got off. I do remember quickly going upstairs once it was done and scrubbing my hands raw in the sink. Later that night while in the kitchen, he gave me the typical line. He's standing there cutting up hotdogs and said "you know you can't tell anyone about what happy because they won't believe you." He was right. After that day, I made sure that he couldn't touch me when I walked through the door. I made sure that I was always away from him.
Now for the realization. I'm watching the Jeffrey Epstein documentary on Netflix, and something clicked. After the abuse, I didn't like being touched by older people, even my mom. I would feel so uncomfortable when she would sit next to me or try to touch me (hug me or give me a kiss). I would try to make it very quick. I was even like that with my grandma. My dad isn't a physical man, so I didn't feel that way with him. This whole time, I just thought I was an asshole of a daughter who didn't want to be around my mom, but could it be because subconsciously I didn't want an older person touching me again because of what happened??
3 comments posted: Friday, August 7th, 2020
An update on N and I
After the parenting vent thread, N and I spoke. He admitted to going into a deep spiral after reading the comments. We spoke a lot that Thursday night. I tried to empathize with him by telling him that I know what it's like going down that spiral. I shared what I thought he may be feeling. I also shared with him how I broke down at my IC over what he's going through. I helped put him in that dark place and that's not somewhere I ever wanted him to be.
I told him that I was not going anywhere. Even if we divorce, I would still be thinking about him, still caring about him, still wanting him to find happiness, and I would still be there for him if he ever need it. He admitted that he didn't know if the love if he feels for me is real because it feels so strong. He said if it means it's real love, then the pain will never end. I told him what I believe based off of what I've read here. I said that the pain may never end but for some it may become very minimal because of all the amazing true loving feelings they have for one another.
I told him that I believe the couples who have reconciled on here. I believe that there are tons of couples on here who have found their way together. I do believe that those couples worked together to create a new life together. I do believe that those betrayed spouses have been able to find happiness again, even with the one who betrayed them.
He said as soon as he starts thinking like that, a trigger sets him back. I then apologized because I don't know what to say to help through his triggers. I then told him that mine are different and I'm still trying to figure out how to work through them. He apologized for giving them to me. I told him there not all from him, that I gave them to myself too. I told him what my triggers were, and he said all though they are different, they still are painful. Before we ended for the night, he said that he wouldn't mind if I came over early Friday morning, so of course I did.
When I got there, I told him the thing he sent me arrived. (After the parenting thread he texted me saying he sent me something but asked that I not open it and return it.) He walked over to the counter and stared at it. I went and sat down. He came over and handed it to me, he said it was mine but first he had to explain something. He said he had bought the card a few days ago, and even after being triggered so hard Wednesday morning, he still put it in the mailbox. He said that had to mean something. I opened it up, and it was a Valentine's card. He has written inside "Will you be my Valentine?" I asked him if the question was still true, and he said yes. I probably had a huge smile when I said "yes!"
I then asked if I could sit with him. He only had a few minutes before he had to leave, but we sat there cuddling. When he got up to leave, I stood next to him. I was waiting to see if we would hug. He came over and placed his head on mine. After a little bit I kissed him because I knew he had to leave, but he didn't right away. He stayed there with his head on mine. He then asked me if I would like to come over last night, barring any mood swings he may have. I told him that I would be there.
Valentine's night, I went over with a movie to watch. We sat on the couch next to each other. After the movie, he held me and I thanked him for asking me to be his Valentine. I asked him what he was thinking and he said that he wished he could truly enjoy this moment. He then asked if I wanted to go lay down.
We laid there facing each other, just looking. I started getting that guilty feeling. The feeling that I'm keeping him stuck in this limbo. I asked him if he thought he would be happy or find peace in a few months if we divorced. He didn't know. I asked if he thought he would find it if we stayed together. He said he thinks it would be harder to find. I told him if we divorce, then he can't live alone. He needs to find someone to bring that joy. He said then that means that I can't wait either.
He said he had no idea what I look for in a man anymore. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him that "I'm looking for a man like you. I'm looking for you." He asked "Did you really know what you wanted after D-Day?" I told him "yes, I wanted you and that hasn't changed."
We started kissing, but then I started crying. I was only thinking about letting him go so he can find that peace. I had to stop kissing and just cried. He let me cry while caressing my cheek. After I was done he asked what that was about. It took a minute to get the words out. I told him that I know what I should do, but it's not what I want. I told him that if I knew for certain that he would be happy in six months if we divorced, then I would let go now for him. He closed his eyes when I said that, in sadness. We were still holding each other.
Afterwards, he asked if I wanted stay for a bit. He set an alarm so that I would wake up and leave before our daughter woke up. We don't want her knowing and being anymore confused. We fell asleep, side by side together.
We didn't really talk much Saturday, and then on Sunday he asked me to think about what my optimal divorce scenario would be. Then on Tuesday, came a text that I wasn't expecting. After his IC, he texted me that he doesn't want to live with me again. He said she had him envision his future and what it looks like. He couldn't see us living together. I asked him if that meant he wanted a divorce, but he said he's still doesn't know. This weekend he asked me to write up a divorce agreement. Again, I asked if that meant we were getting a divorce. He said maybe, better to be prepared. I honestly don't know what to write in it. I don't know what to think about anything. I've had the flu these past few days, and this rollercoaster ride has gone crazy this week.
293 comments posted: Monday, February 24th, 2020
