D-day has come and gone. So has our anniversary, the most hurtful of the holidays, and the physical part of A season. I wish I could say it was smooth sailing, but it was not. 😂 I was also dealing with some hormone issues, and man that did NOT help. Hopefully I’m over that hump.
I have recently felt a shift. A calmness. Dare I say it, acceptance? I don’t know if it’s psychological, or the 2 year thing is that dead on, but I have noticed a change in me. I’m not saying I’m all whole and healed, but I do think I have finally accepted that this happened to me, I can’t change it, and I’m now ready to focus on the future. Jesus what an exciting concept, and how fucking annoying that it takes that long.
I’m also viewing my husband differently. I have spent the better part of two years either hating his guts considering divorce, or desperate for his love and affirmation. Sometimes both at the same time, which is a mind fuck. Now it’s kind of evened out where I believe I’m making the right decision to stay, but I don’t feel that "need" to have him validate me anymore. I know that’s a good thing. I know it’s obviously best to not depend on a man who cheated on you. However, it is kind of sad to now think "if we divorced…meh." 😂 maybe someone gets what I mean by being both glad and sad to reach that point.
Besides my deep dive into the fluctuating hormone pit which kept reactivating my "flight or fight" (that was hell) I’ve been doing really well. I still think about the affair on a daily basis, but it’s "foggier" now. Not near as raw or painful. I don’t constantly relive that time like I did for so long. Even the mind movies, when I have them, are fuzzy and not as hurtful.
I can remember being only days out from d-day and wishing I had a fast forward button to get through those first couple of years. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to make it through this. It feels so fucking good to be here now, knowing not only did I make it through, I made it out a stronger, wiser, and more empathetic version of myself.
I know this is the reconciliation forum, and maybe I should post more about the progress my husband and I have made. I do hope to do that one day, but for now, I’m just proud of me. :)
Thanks SI stranger friends for being here.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, December 29th, 2021
I’m not really sure where to put this. If it needs to be moved, Mods feel free to.
So I had been on the same birth control for 5 years. It was the highest level of progesterone available. I am now on a much lower dosage birth control, and have been experiencing what they refer to as a "crash."
Where infidelity comes in. So I had been in fight or flight mode for almost 2 years from the trauma of my husband’s affair. I had only just gotten to where I felt like I had mostly overcome that, and was doing so much better. Now I’m experiencing these crazy side effects from my hormones fluctuating that is making me go back into that fight or flight mode. I guess because my brain had associated that feeling with my husband’s affair, I have found myself feeling like I’m back at square one when that happens. I get so panicky and sink so low, and can’t shake it as easily as I had been able to.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and absolutely terrified, but for no reason. Automatically my mind went to my husband’s affair, even though I wasn’t even thinking about it. The night sweats are what finally led me to look into the effects of changing birth control,(I only ever had those after having babies so I figured it was my hormones) and I was experiencing almost every single thing they had listed.
I feel so much better knowing what the hell is happening, but I was super curious if anyone else has experienced anything like this? Maybe after having a baby or menopause? Or even the same thing as me? Where changes in hormones triggered your fight or flight, and your mind instantly went to the trauma of your partners affair? Like you were reliving that shit all over again?
6 comments posted: Monday, December 20th, 2021
When Things Get Better
The last few weeks have felt like a dream. I say that, because for YEARS I didn’t believe my marriage could ever be better than just ok. I was so jealous of happy couples on social media. I even deleted people because they were a constant reminder that my marriage sucked compared to everyone else’s. (Turns out almost all of those couples divorced lol Goes to show social media can be a load of BS)
But here I am now with a husband who treats me with such adoration, respect, and tenderness, I really don’t know what to do with myself. 😂 Mostly because this is the same man who was distant for years, selfish, and ya know… a fucking cheater. The same man and the same woman who had no idea how to resolve conflict. Who were hardly ever intimate. Just going through the motions while harboring resentment towards each other. Somehow those two people have figured out how to do this marriage thing, and actually make a pretty damn good team.
BUT… what the fuck? 😂 We could have gotten here without all that other bullshit, and it’s annoying. I can’t even fully enjoy this "new marriage" with this "new husband" because I’m still so skeptical. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Yesterday my husband cleaned the entire house, did all the laundry, took care of dinner, and still made sure to make our intimate time all about me. 7 years ago, I could only fantasize about that (And boy did I) The other weekend he planned a guys day with my brother and brother-in-law. Something he would never have made an effort to do in the past. Thanksgiving was so wonderful. We had an amazing date night this past weekend. He is always putting me first and somehow I have naturally reciprocated.
BUT… what the fuck?? 😂 It’s so weird and I kind of struggle with thoughts of "how much of a sham are we? This is all fake. We can never be the happy couple because of what he did."
Anyone else experience this when things actually started going well?
**It hasn’t only been like this for the past few weeks and that’s it. It’s just taken me all of almost 2 years to allow myself to really acknowledge the change and growth in him and our marriage. If that makes sense.
21 comments posted: Monday, November 29th, 2021
Changes After Infidelity
There’s been a LOT of those. I’m mostly talking about with/within myself. I really have become a different person. Some of that I’m proud of. Some changes make me sad. Then there’s some really random ones.
So I used to hate scary movies. Especially those involving any sort or paranormal activity (mostly demons). They would freak me right out, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep well at night. Now? They don’t even phase me. It’s like I am more numb to fear. My husband can be out of town, I can watch a scary movie, and still sleep just fine. 3 years ago I couldn’t even watch trailers for that stuff! I suppose demons and evil spirits aren’t so scary when you’ve dealt with a cheating husband. lol Which it’s not funny…. But it kind of is.
Anyone else have something similar that changed about you? Something you didn’t expect?
27 comments posted: Tuesday, November 9th, 2021
Today I turned 33 years old. My grandma has this belief that 3s are lucky numbers, and that it is somehow supposed to symbolize some incredible year is in store for me. Even though I don’t believe the same as her, I sure hope she’s right.
My birthday is a triggery day when it comes to R. I don’t think it would be near as bothersome if I had chosen the D route. It’s a trade-off I don’t have to love, but I suppose it’s one I have to accept.
I can’t even really put my finger on why it triggers me so much. My husband spent 7 months disrespecting me, betraying me, and lying to me. Does it really matter he did those things on my birthday 5 years ago? Rationally no. However, seeing the same man try to make me feel special on a day he once shit all over me, well, it is hard to reconcile. It’s hard to trust. It mostly makes me want to tell him to not even bother.
In spite of one of the most hurtful days for me regarding my husband’s affair, I still had a pretty good day. I spent time with the people I love the most, ate way too much yummy food, and won a few hands of poker. I’m proud of my resilience, even when I would have preferred to lock myself in my room. I celebrated ME today. Perhaps one day it won’t feel like such a GD chore to let my husband acknowledge my birthday. For now, it was enjoyed in spite of him. And ya know what? That’s ok. That’s where I’m at. R is hard. Special occasions with triggers attached to them are hard. They are a part of this journey, and navigating them is a bitch.
That’s really all I had to say. Hope everyone is doing well.
19 comments posted: Friday, November 5th, 2021
I’m A Terrible Person
BUT I can’t help it. This makes me laugh! 😂
So I very much on accident came across the OW’s husband’s mugshot that was taken back in April. (On a Facebook page that posts mugshots for our county) They don’t live in my town, or my county, but he was arrested here. I am assuming he was driving on the major interstate that goes through my town. Anyways, I did some digging and learned it was his second time being arrested in my city, with the most recent being a DWI 3rd or more. Now, Texas doesn’t play when it comes to 3 DWIs. I had a friend with the best lawyer, and a ton of money, and he still had to go to prison for a while. That was without any other criminal charges on his record. The OW’s husband? He had 2 DWIs, resisting arrest, and something about the intent to transport in ONE county that he doesn’t even live in. No telling what else he has on his rap sheet.
Yeah, dude’s going to prison, and she just had a newborn. (I don’t keep up with her much anymore, but did see she had a baby) She was such a witch to me, and basically tried to rub it in my face she screwed my husband. Now her’s is going to jail. Karma bitch!
Unfortunately, I know she will be in my smallish town when the trial takes place in November (for the first charges of resisting arrest and the transport) and then in December for the 3rd DWI. I have never had to fear running into her, but now I’m a little worried about it. Would really hate to cause a scene in a Chipotle or something. 😂 Just knowing she will be a few miles away from me already makes me nauseas.
So I haven’t told my husband any of this. He doesn’t want to know anything about her. If they weren’t going to be in such close proximity, I wouldn’t bother. Do you think I should? I will try really hard not to gloat over the absolute trash her and her husband are. I mean, I’ll give it the old college try. 😉
7 comments posted: Tuesday, October 26th, 2021
I’m A Terrible Person (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Tuesday, October 26th, 2021
It’s hitting me harder than I anticipated. It is discouraging how much it is affecting me, when I had such high hopes that it wouldn’t.
This is everyone else’s favorite time of the year, but I can’t stand it anymore. Every holiday is a reminder of my husbands betrayal and blatant disregard for me. Throw in my birthday and our anniversary, and I wish I could just hit fast forward.
I know people talk about reclaiming dates, but I don’t feel up to that. At least not with him. I’m not even near as mad this year, I’m just sad that any of this happened. It feels like I’m so far away from ever enjoying what was once such a happy time of year for me. For what?? So he could escape reality for a little while and "feel better about himself." It will always be so unfair what he did to me and our family.
I was doing really good, and then A season had to come knock me on my ass. I’m honestly disappointed in myself that I am having this reaction. I thought I was more healed than this.
Thanks once again for being a place to share.
14 comments posted: Monday, October 11th, 2021
R is hard. I can’t imagine it’s supposed to be easy, but that doesn’t mean one day it won’t be worth it. Please keep in mind I do not want to D right now. I’m more than able to, I simply don’t want to. So if you’re going to recommend D, save your fingers the unnecessary typing. ;)
Making peace with my decision to stay with a cheater is still hard. I feel almost like I have had to chip away some pieces of myself in order to be the person who can stay. Does that make sense? I’ve had enough time to consider my options, and I believe R is the best one for me and my family. My husband has done all that I’ve asked of him and more. It’s not that he could somehow "do this" and it would help me. It’s very much about my own internal conflict. I don’t believe it’s "well maybe it has always been a deal breaker." Of fucking course it was a deal breaker, but I’m open to a new deal with him, except for those pieces of me that aren’t. They are smaller and quieter than those parts of me willing to give this a real shot, but I can’t deny they’re there. They sneak up on me sometimes, and I find myself overwhelmed by them. I guess it could be lizard brain, but when I visualize it, it’s me cutting away pieces of myself. It’s honestly a really sad image. I respect those thoughts and feelings, but I don’t want them to be a driving force in my life.
I’m kind of just sharing what I’m struggling with, more so than looking for advice. I don’t want to deny that R goes against some of my personality traits and core values. Yet, I also have plenty of those that are absolutely able to make R work. I suppose that’s what I’m really getting at with this post. The internal war that I find myself experiencing sometimes.
Ok now I’ll ask for some advice. How do you make peace with the smaller parts of you that are inherently against staying, with the larger parts of you that are willing to, without feeling like you are cutting away pieces of who you are? If this even makes any fucking sense. lol
I’ll add, I don’t feel this way all the time. I have more good days than bad ones, or even "meh"
ones. R is going well for the most part. Obviously I still have some struggles. I am content with where I’m at more often than not, but I also don’t want to ignore those unhealed aspects of this journey, either.
Thanks for being a place to share. I appreciate you all.
23 comments posted: Tuesday, September 28th, 2021
So I am leaving for Florida on Friday. I only have a few days there and will be in the Odessa area.
Anyone know the best beaches around there? I don’t mind driving a little ways if it’s worth it.
(I do know of the red tide situation)
8 comments posted: Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
I am proud as hell of myself!
I made it through our first family vacation post d-day, and actually had a blast. It was 7 days and 6 nights, and a 7 hour long car ride. I wasn’t completely free of triggers or intrusive thoughts, but handled them really well. My husband was great to make sure I was doing ok and able to relax. He went out of his way to be helpful with my sister and her husband’s family (they have 5 kids). He played with my nieces and nephews (as well as our own kids) more than their own father. My mom also went, and he was so attentive to her and helped her so much since she is a single woman. I was glad to have him, and imagined how different it would have been if he wasn’t there. Not that I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, but it was nice to feel appreciative of him.
I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought the pain and the grief would ever subside, but they have, and I finally feel like I’m out of the pit that was my home for so long. I still feel hurt sometimes, but I also am able to feel contentment, and even joy now. There is an other side to this, and I’m well on my way.
We really do have to stop punishing ourselves for choosing to stay. There won’t be any freedom until we are able to do so. It’s so easy to allow ourselves to be haunted by some figment of our imagination. The person we thought we’d be if our spouse ever cheated on us. The truth is, that person didn’t exist until d-day. They couldn’t have. The betrayed spouse isn’t born until after discovery. So if you’re stuck in comparison mode between who you thought you’d be as a BS, and the actual reality of you as a BS, I say let that shit go.
Keep going ladies and gents. It really does get better.
9 comments posted: Sunday, July 18th, 2021
Downside of R
So R is fucking hard. It really is. It can be worth it, but it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
One of those hard parts I’m currently experiencing is “normal” marriage issues don’t seem normal anymore. Even the smallest shit feels like a “make it or break it” moment. For example, my husband is out of town leading a really big job. He is extremely busy and stressed, so he hasn’t had much time to talk to me. He works late, and when he gets back to the hotel he has to do a ton of paperwork before going to bed. I want to be understanding, but then all I can think about is how he wasn’t “too busy” to talk to the AP 1,000,000 times a day. My rational mind realizes he is at a new job with way more responsibility, but my lizard brain wants to freak right out and put back up my wall to protect myself.
There’s no real point to this post. I guess I just needed to share with people who understand how tough this journey really is.
19 comments posted: Wednesday, June 16th, 2021
I’m curious, for those who experienced HB, how long did it last? At what point is it no longer considered HB, but maybe a new normal?
Since about a week post d-day my husband has been obsessed with me. We have sex on an almost daily basis, and the weekends it’s usually a few times a day. (I have a high sex drive so I’m more than okay with this)
For those unfamiliar with my story, our sex life was beyond pathetic for YEARS. He would initiate maybe once every month to two months, with me doing the bulk of the initiating, but was often rejected. About a year after his affair, he started initiating a lot more often, and we were having sex about 3-4 times a week. It stayed that way until d-day.
I guess I’m afraid this is still HB, will eventually wane, and what that would mean for me. I think I’d be ok with returning to the 3-4 times a week, but anything less than that I would not be ok with. Maybe in a “normal” marriage that hadn’t experienced infidelity, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to me, but now it is. I suppose I’m not willing to ever go back to a mediocre marriage with mediocre sex.
So a little over 16 moths out, could this still be HB?
ETA: I did a quick little search on the topic, and it seems hysterical bonding is mostly done on the side of the betrayed. They’re the ones wanting to have more sex as a way to hold onto their spouse, reclaim them, or even as a way to pick me dance. So can a wayward also experience HB? Almost as a form of desperation to keep your partner? Curious to hear from waywards also, and what their experience with it was.
[This message edited by Underserving at 12:26 PM, April 19th (Monday)]
20 comments posted: Monday, April 19th, 2021
How to Help With a Trigger
So this Friday night we are going to a baseball game with a friend of my WH’s and his wife. I haven’t been to a ballgame in ages, and am really looking forward to it!
The catch is, we have to drive past the exact exit my WH would take to go to the AP’s apartment. It will be the first time I have ever driven by there since learning of the A. There is no way to avoid it, unfortunately.
Any suggestions on ways to prepare for this expected trigger? I really don’t want it to ruin a fun night for me...
26 comments posted: Wednesday, April 14th, 2021
I went back and read my previous posts. Holy shit they are the most bipolar rantings and ravings I have ever read.
I just wanted to say thank you to those loyal posters who have helped me through this journey. Even when I got cocky a few times, and thought I was going to come out of this quicker than every one else, y’all were there to gently advise me I still had a long ways to go. Then when I’d go on to post about being back at square 1 two days later, y’all were there to reassure me I wasn’t in fact batshit crazy. Thank you for your honesty, your compassion, and your encouragement.
Who knew a bunch of anonymous internet strangers would have such a strong impact on me during the absolute worst time of my life? I’m sure it’s not easy to stay here after healing has taken place, and all the constant reminders of your own painful experience, but I’m so glad there are those of you who have! And for those still in thick of your own grief, yet still have it in you to offer encouragement to others, you are some beautiful people. ❤️ Thank you!
6 comments posted: Wednesday, March 24th, 2021
Last night, while my WH was in the shower, he left his phone charging on his bedside table. Not for the first time or anything, but my go to reaction was “wish he would have done this shit 4 years ago, but nooo he had to have his phone by him at ALL times.”
What good did that knee jerk reaction do? It didn’t launch me back into the past where I could have demanded things be different. Nope, to my knowledge time travel is still impossible, and no amount of bitterness is going to change that. *Sigh* So instead of going down that path, all the could’ves and should’ves, I took some time to appreciate the here and now, and was actually thankful for that small gesture (whether it was intentional or not). I decided to add another drop into the trust bucket.
As I have embarked on my own healing journey, and I mean really dug into it, I have been more capable of staying in the present. Making peace with my own past transgressions has given me a new outlook on how I view my WH as well. I don’t want to be hypocritical in forgiving myself, while still viewing him as the person he was 4 years ago. No, I want to focus on what his actions are telling me about the person he is TODAY.
Now that’s not to say all is well and all is forgiven. It’s a step forward though, in what I consider a very healthy direction. Just as I’ll never forget what I am capable of when I’m in a place of brokenness, I won’t ever forget what he is capable of either. All I can do now is look at today, and know if tomorrow something changes, I’ll be ok. I’m finally on my way to that place of contentment, and it feels pretty good.
5 comments posted: Monday, March 22nd, 2021
So I’ve been a SAHM for over 5 years now. I have a finance degree, and worked in an accounting department before I started staying home. I’m not really wanting to return to that field of work while my kids are still young. I would if I needed to, as I made really good money, but for now I want something more flexible. I would really like to pay off all my debt in the next 1-2 years. I have my car and my student loans (ugh those make me sick.) We also have my husband’s truck, but I’m primarily focusing on my stuff right now if you catch my drift.
I’m considering substitute teaching. Has anyone done subbing? Did you hate it or love it?
11 comments posted: Monday, March 15th, 2021
Talk Me Out Of This
I spent everyday for 11 months looking at the OWs social media.. Pouring over all the tweets she made during the A more than a few times a day. Sometime in November she made her account private. It was one of the best things that could have happened to me.Yet here I am, jonesing to be able to look at it again. I was thinking of creating a fake account and requesting to follow her. I know I shouldn’t, but damn I want to. Talk me out of it!
Which ew to the fact I care enough to consider this, but it’s what’s happening, even if I wish it wasn’t.
31 comments posted: Monday, March 1st, 2021
A Trigger and a Victory
WH is out of town for work again. He gets back tomorrow, and this week has been the best I’ve ever handled it. I normally get extremely anxious and take at least 1 or 2 trips down the rabbit hole. I was able to enjoy my alone time, miss him appropriately, and didn’t sink at all. (His A was not from work travel. Only started traveling after he got a new job after d-day) I’m pretty proud of myself :)
My trigger is sending sexy pictures to him while he’s gone. That’s something the OW did 100s of times, as their relationship was mostly over the phone. It’s been 4 years since then, but I still wonder if he compares my photos to hers in his mind. I’ve asked and he says no, but I’m not sure that’s something he (or anyone) would admit to. He’s going to be traveling a bit in the next few weeks, and I would like to be able to overcome this trigger. (I want to. He’s not pressuring me) Any suggestions?
7 comments posted: Thursday, February 25th, 2021
I’m back! Lol
I am realizing I probably should have been in the general forum for the good first year of after d-day. I’m just now really into the throes of reconciliation.
It’s turning out a lot different than I thought it would. I spent a year processing, grieving, raging, researching, and being extremely mindful of how my WH was reacting to the shitstorm he created. It took me a year to decide I was willing to R. It felt really good at first to finally make a decision. I was feeling all the positivity and hope. I think it was mostly relief that I had actually picked a path. Being unsure whether to stay or leave is pretty exhausting, and carries a heavy burden all on its own.
Now that I’m here in R land, there’s a whole new amusement park full of rides I wasn’t expecting. I’ve made a few posts recently, but thought I would compound them into what I’m currently experiencing.
The Shame Carousel: Its not fun. I don’t enjoy it. She’s a seedy little ride that you think you can avoid, but somehow draws you in, and you end up staying on way too long in need of a barf bag. This is the shame of staying. You swore you never would, yet here you are in R Land after your husband had a full fledged affair. Why are you even here? You should be on Badass Woman Island where men (especially cheaters) aren’t allowed. What if someone finds out you’re over here, and they think less of you? Hell, what if YOU think less of yourself all on your own? And why can’t you get off this damn carousel?
The Monorail of Flatness- This one sounds great at first. After spending months and months on a rollercoaster, the idea of a smooth ride is enticing. Until it’s boring. Until you miss the excitement of the ups, because now everything is mostly bleh. This is the Plain of lethal flatness. You’re not sinking but you’re not experiencing many ups. You’re seated next to a stranger making awkward conversation and your butt’s numb. This “stranger” also punched you in the face before the ride started, but you’re trying to be a good sport and keep the ride from being completely silent. When will the stranger feel more like a friend, and when will you forgive them for hurting you? You have no idea. There’s no time limit for how long you’ll be on this particular ride.
Trigger Tower- What the F are you doing here? Shouldn’t I have left you in Post Discovery World? Why do I still find myself experiencing your free falls? Everyone says I should be done riding you by now. I find myself jumping straight from you to the Shame Carousel.
Woo. This took a real metaphorical turn I wasn’t expecting. I want to add some positives to the mix. I have some in mind, but not the energy. What rides are you currently experiencing in R Land? The good and the bad. Please share!
42 comments posted: Thursday, February 18th, 2021
Hello again. I’m on a posting kick, I suppose.
I guess I am looking for reassurance that it does in fact take a while for the relationship to feel “easy.” Meaning, right now it takes an immense amount of emotional effort on my part to have even semi normal days with my husband. I miss being at ease and comfortable with him.It is possible for those feelings to return, right? And only being a year and two months out from d-day, it’s reasonable for everything to still seem hard, and even a bit forced? Or is that not a good sign?
4 comments posted: Sunday, February 14th, 2021
The Shame of Staying
I don’t feel like there is much out there in regards to the BS feeling immense shame in choosing to stay with their partner after infidelity. I did a quick look in the healing library, and didn’t see anything. Maybe I missed it? I’ve also done my own research on the topic, and didn’t come up with much. While there is some stuff on why we feel that way, there’s not a lot in how to actually overcome it.
For those further along in their reconciliation, how were you able to cope with this aspect? How were you able to move past it?
41 comments posted: Wednesday, February 10th, 2021
I have an incredibly supportive family. They want to see me happy. They want to see my family stay together. They hate seeing me still having triggers, or having rough days. I don’t know if it’s because they don’t understand, or just feel helpless in what they can do for me, but I feel like everyone is tired of me not being “over it” yet. It’s like they think if I really wanted to be better by now, I would be. But since I still struggle, I must want to stay that way. How do you explain to someone you aren’t choosing to be triggered? Or that everything else going on isn’t enough to distract you from thoughts of the A? My mom being sick last year, the pandemic, deaths in the family. They have no understanding how I am still able to think about “something that happened 4 years ago” despite all the other shit that’s happening. I’ve tried to explain betrayal trauma to them, but it’s mostly scoffed at. I guess they don’t believe it’s a real thing.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the one who was betrayed, but I don’t really have anyone in my corner. When your own mom is essentially telling you to get over it in front of your WH, how the fuck am I supposed to feel? How do they not see that only fuels my feelings of inadequacy. “Well, shit. I wasn’t good enough for my WH so he fucked someone else. Now I can’t even fucking heal right after being cheated on?” Like WTF?? I could write so much more but I’m exasperated right now.
ETA sorry for the excessive use of profanity. I’ve been stuffing these feelings down for too long, I guess.
[This message edited by Underserving at 4:26 PM, February 7th (Sunday)]
13 comments posted: Sunday, February 7th, 2021
Looking at the Positive
The husband and I both have Covid. He’s on the up, and I mostly just feel like I have a terrible cold. My kids will now be quarantined from school for 24 days. My 7th round of quarantine with them. :( To say going through a global pandemic while dealing with betrayal trauma is friggin hard, would be quite the understatement. My mental health has definitely paid a price.
However, I have to admit it’s been pretty nice to have some time with my husband at home while we are quarantined. We aren’t able to do much, other than watch movies and lay in bed together. We chat, laugh, and cuddle if we’re feeling up to it. I still have thoughts pretty frequently of the A, but nothing like it was a year ago. I also have a lot of moments where things feel really good and comfortable with him, and I don’t think about it at all. It’s only been in the last month we’ve had sex where I didn’t have a single MM. It was only a couple of times, but shows some progress. When I do have MMs now, I can usually get myself to stop and focus on the present. Healing really does take a long time. I know I still have a long ways to go, but it’s nice to know I’m on my way.
I definitely still have hard days. The rabbit hole is always there, tempting me to dive head first back inside of it. Sometimes I do. Most of the time, I don’t. Today, even with the GD Covid making me feel crummy, I’m reflecting on the little tiny bit of healing I’ve experienced, and feeling pretty positive (ugh there’s an unintentional pun )
Hope everyone is doing well. :)
4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021
Comforting WH After Loss
My WHs maternal grandmother passed away yesterday. It’s an especially hard blow for him, as his own mother died 7 years ago. His grandma was the only mother figure he had left.
I am working very hard to be a comfort to him, and to definitely take a break from any of the infidelity talk. However I’m noticing this is bringing up some bad memories and triggers for me. After his Mom died, he turned into a different person for YEARS. Depression that went undiagnosed and untreated, and though I know it didn’t cause his A, I do think it played a role in the mindset he was in when he was unfaithful. I am perfectly capable of understanding that losing his grandmother is not the same as losing his mom, but man it’s brought back some bad feelings.
Also, though I’m worlds away from where I was a year ago, I still find it challenging to be the supportive and empathetic wife I know I should be. Ugh, that kind of makes me sound like a monster, doesn’t it? I obviously hurt for him, but I’m having to let my guard down more than I ever have since d-day, in attempts to show him I am emotionally here for him during this time. It’s hard to let that guard down as much as I have, and as quickly as I have, when keeping that guard up has been such a source of protection for me. Maybe I’m expecting too much of myself? Maybe I’m not expecting enough? Idk...
I too am sad for this loss, as I loved her dearly. Why I’m letting his infidelity even cross my mind during all of this is beyond me.
Thanks for listening and am open to advice, or even a 2X4 if it’s needed.
4 comments posted: Tuesday, January 12th, 2021
Things Are Looking Up
I haven’t been on here as much, which I think is a pretty good sign. I’ve been doing so much better, and feeling very hopeful.
I think the entire 1st year after d-day was me processing everything. There was not a single second that went by without me thinking about the A. I stalked the OW the entire year on social media. Using the advanced search tool to look at every post she made during the A. I didn’t understand why I was doing it. I know now I was just trying to make sense of something that you can’t make sense of. My brain did not want to accept that any of this was real. That my WH could choose some skanky druggie over his family. The truth is, he didn’t choose her, he chose himself over everyone. He threw his life in the toilet, and traumatized me in the process. It’s been a hard thing to accept, but I think I’ve gotten there. I accept that this happened to me. I accept my WH was a selfish asshat who only cared about himself. I also accept that he has changed, and that he’s not the same person he was 4 years ago. Not only do I have 3 years of him proving that (except him obviously failing to disclose the A) I have the past year of him showing me his remorse, and willingness to do whatever it takes to heal our marriage. I’m not sure I would have stayed with me through this journey, even though it was his fault we were in it. Let’s just say I acted like a lunatic on more than a few occasions, and had spent the entire year making sure he knew exactly what a POS I thought he was. In December, something clicked and I was able to choke down the shit sandwich, and accept the new reality of my life and my marriage.
I feel like I’m FINALLY on the path to healing. The first year was just surviving and, like I previously stated, processing. The doom and gloom feeling I had every single day has been gone, and I’m able to get back to a somewhat normal life. Tomorrow my kids return to school, I’m having coffee with a friend who has also been through infidelity, and then this mommas getting a hot new hair do. After that I plan on starting back to the gym, and have groceries bought for some delicious healthy eating. I’m excited that I’m finally able to start moving forward with my life.
I also am allowing myself to feel like R has begun. Something I was pretty terrified of. However I do plan on focusing more on myself, as it takes time to recover from an entire year of depression. I hated myself for a long time for not choosing to immediately divorce my WH, but I’ve be able to work through that as well. I don’t think I will ever regret offering him a chance at R.
This is off topic with the rest of my post but I also had to share a proud moment for me. The other night I was looking in the mirror, and there were still some lingering thoughts of comparing my body to the OWs, and if my WH really found me more attractive than her. I quickly changed it to “Are YOU happy and confident with your appearance? Yes, and that’s ALL that really matters.” A little thing to most, but a big victory for me. :)
Thanks for all of those who have helped me through this journey. I hope in a few years I can offer some encouragement and hope like so many of you have done for me.
6 comments posted: Monday, January 4th, 2021