BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

R Land

I’m back! Lol

I am realizing I probably should have been in the general forum for the good first year of after d-day. I’m just now really into the throes of reconciliation.

It’s turning out a lot different than I thought it would. I spent a year processing, grieving, raging, researching, and being extremely mindful of how my WH was reacting to the shitstorm he created. It took me a year to decide I was willing to R. It felt really good at first to finally make a decision. I was feeling all the positivity and hope. I think it was mostly relief that I had actually picked a path. Being unsure whether to stay or leave is pretty exhausting, and carries a heavy burden all on its own.

Now that I’m here in R land, there’s a whole new amusement park full of rides I wasn’t expecting. I’ve made a few posts recently, but thought I would compound them into what I’m currently experiencing.

The Shame Carousel: Its not fun. I don’t enjoy it. She’s a seedy little ride that you think you can avoid, but somehow draws you in, and you end up staying on way too long in need of a barf bag. This is the shame of staying. You swore you never would, yet here you are in R Land after your husband had a full fledged affair. Why are you even here? You should be on Badass Woman Island where men (especially cheaters) aren’t allowed. What if someone finds out you’re over here, and they think less of you? Hell, what if YOU think less of yourself all on your own? And why can’t you get off this damn carousel?

The Monorail of Flatness- This one sounds great at first. After spending months and months on a rollercoaster, the idea of a smooth ride is enticing. Until it’s boring. Until you miss the excitement of the ups, because now everything is mostly bleh. This is the Plain of lethal flatness. You’re not sinking but you’re not experiencing many ups. You’re seated next to a stranger making awkward conversation and your butt’s numb. This “stranger” also punched you in the face before the ride started, but you’re trying to be a good sport and keep the ride from being completely silent. When will the stranger feel more like a friend, and when will you forgive them for hurting you? You have no idea. There’s no time limit for how long you’ll be on this particular ride.

Trigger Tower- What the F are you doing here? Shouldn’t I have left you in Post Discovery World? Why do I still find myself experiencing your free falls? Everyone says I should be done riding you by now. I find myself jumping straight from you to the Shame Carousel.

Woo. This took a real metaphorical turn I wasn’t expecting. I want to add some positives to the mix. I have some in mind, but not the energy. What rides are you currently experiencing in R Land? The good and the bad. Please share!

52 comments posted: Friday, February 19th, 2021