Newest Member: 30yearsofheartache


Me- BW, 45 (FWH, 47); DDay Oct 2019 - Double Betrayal (x2) during Aug-Sept 2018. Hard at work in R! Whole story in Bio
I tend to make little edits for clarity and typos!

Overdue Update!

Hello SI family! It has been a long time since I posted. I see that my last entry was August, a couple days after the antiversary. It’s funny how that works… I needed this group regularly, until all of the sudden… I needed to step away. It seems from other posts I’ve seen that this is a common pattern. I’m grateful to all the moderators and active members who stick around – whether it’s consciously to help, or because it continues to be therapeutic, or both.

We are doing really, really well. The 3-yr "antiversary" was early August (date of affair). We were out of town doing something super fun that day, by coincidence, and that really helped. Then the 2-yr DDay was early October. We did something social really fun with favorite friends that day (again, the opportunity timing was a coincidence that I seized very consciously). FWH seems to have turned a corner in how he speaks to and relates to me and my painful moments. He is way less defensive. The painful moments are much fewer and further between. I still need him to be a little more proactive more often, but as I’ve healed I’ve also come to accept that him not being bringing it up often is his coping and healing approach, and it’s not necessarily "wrong." As he has gotten better at coming out of his "shame shell" to support me, I’ve gotten better at not always taking it so personally when he doesn’t do or say exactly the right thing. I guess we are both coping better. I guess that’s how this works under the best of circumstances. I hit a horrible trigger the other day (get this shit… my neurofeedback/EMDR therapist just moved into a new office… above the bar where the first affair initiated. I followed my GPS to the address, and it didn’t click until I pulled in. So yeah, I had a panic attack when I realized that and I have to evaluate continuing to go there. She was apologetic but of course it’s not her fault! I might need EMDR just to handle going there, LOL!). But, he handled it really really well when I got home. Scooped me up and commented how much that double whammy gut punch must have sucked. Let me cry. Apologized.

We have some exciting new partnership ventures in the works. We’ve had a couple small business ideas brewing and we are moving ahead with one of them. If it works out, he will be able to retire earlier than he would have originally – which will be good for his physical and mental health, as his occupation is very stressful. This has been a good distraction and a good chance to bond. When I told my therapist about it she was excited for us and thought it was good. I was worried she would be worried that we weren’t in a strong enough place to tackle something as stressful as a new business. I was actually happy, relieved even, that her assessment was a positive one!

So there we have it. Two years to reach some pretty solid healing. That seems to be what "they" say is normal, on average, and I guess I believe it. I have been on the verge of checking in here so many times in recent months. I kept thinking "I need to update, I need to check in on others…" But emotionally I resisted, and I followed that instinct. As I continue to heal I will be back. Stories from the trenches are so important. I think since I’ve really just climbed out, I’m too close to the edge to risk falling back in. Thank you all SO much. I intend to pop in a little more often as I get stronger.

5 comments posted: Monday, November 29th, 2021

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