How was the affair discovered?
How did you discover your partner’s affair and does it play into your decision to reconcile?
66 comments posted: Monday, March 29th, 2021
How were you caught?
How was your affair discovered and do you think it plays into how your betrayed spouse has acted toward you and do you think the outcome would have been different?
2 comments posted: Monday, March 29th, 2021
When did you stop searching and start believing?
Even though I have access to everything now I still feel like he could hide something if he wanted to and maybe I just haven’t found it yet.
He says- “you aren’t finding anything because there is nothing to find nit because I’m hiding it better.”
When did you release the need to search for new evidence and start to believe they were not being deceptive still? You
48 comments posted: Sunday, December 20th, 2020
The Ugly Truth-triggery for BS
The truth I learned through becoming a WW.
I used to think I wanted to know everything that was going on in my WH's mind. But now that I have crossed a line I wish I did not know what he could possibly have been feeling.
The things I learned becoming a Wayward:
1. When you feel like shit you do shitty things.
2. It's all about relieving pain.
For me the pain of betrayal hurt like crazy and I decided that I needed retribution so I thought.
I am sad all day with varying moments of flatness or okayness. When i received the "Happy Thanksgiving" text from an ex I immediately felt an opportunity to feel more than okay.
3. The affair grows fast and the AP somehow says exactly what you want to hear so you think...but maybe it's just that you want to hear anything other than flatness and everyday silence. The contentment I used to have knowing that my husband and I can just sit next to each other in silence and be content was suddenly not an attribute anymore. That fast something I used to think was awesome my brain deemed as boring and unappealing...a flaw.
4. All the "feel goods"of something new pulls you in fast. My husband was NOT in my head at all. Here is the hurtful part....I didn't once think of him while I was texting the AP on the couch next to him. I left the couch and went to the bedroom to continue. I was so excited to hear from him out of the blue. That excitement trumped my cuddling on the couch next to my husband watching Charlie Brown Thanksgiving as we have done traditionally for over 23 years.
5. I wanted the phone by my side not because I wanted to be sneaky but because I couldn't wait to read what he wrote because he words made me high.
6. He made me feel only great and desirable because he said so every other sentence. It was entoxicating.
7. I could not focus on anything but him and when we would meet up. it moved to talking live to him wanting to fly out. Still no disdain for husband at this point only indifferece as if my husband was a hologram moving around me from a past life.
8.The AP didn't bring up my husband and neither did I. I would tell him if I couldn't text him for a while because of family stuff.
9. My daydreams were of the AP almost immediately.And I am still thinking about him right now even though we NC.
10. As soon as I decided to go serious NC i started dissecting my husband. I said to him I don't want to be stuck in a rut. I want to do some exciting things in the bedroom. I proceeded to text my husband in a very sexual way that I had been texting the AP and when my husband didn't engage in a way I found hot and sexy and steamy wnough I started to get upset with my husband. I second guessed my decision to go NC. Why should I be without this excitment? If you want me to be faithful make it exciting.I was now asking my husband if he found me attractive because he never tells me anymore--- The AP was all over me asking for pictures and looking through the pictures i posted and liking them and being very specific about whT HE WANTED to do.
suddenly my husband was boring. I remember feeling after DDay with my husband that he had been putting me in a competiotion I didn't know I was in and the AP knew and was winning. You gave her the cheat sheet and tested me and I was failing.
I so easily did the same thing. I wanted my husband to swoop in and be assertive and sweep me off my feet and he did not. so he had a loss he didn't even know he was racking up.
11. I am no contact and so depressed about being without the ego kibbles all the pain of betrayak has come flooding back.
12. All of me wants that feeling the AP gave me and the scary part is I don't think i can feel that excitement again from my husband.Not because i don't love him....but because It's hard to replicate the excitement of something new.
13. I'm missing that I am no longer receiving the electricity sparks from each alert on my phone. Coupled with the fact that my husband betryaed me and there is a little sting there I am freaking out.
14. My husband and I have great sex even to this day but the reality of what I have in my bed has been corrupted by what I anticipate in my head with the AP.
To the Waywards out there how log will i be in this place since i started NC? I wish the idea of it in my head wasn't built up like I'm missing something. How long will i feel a lost opportunity?
11 comments posted: Monday, December 7th, 2020
This side of it is horrible
If you have followed me I’m sure it’s apparent how effed up my fWH’s affair has made me. And maybe you all have been waiting for me to crash and burn because I displayed all the signs.
I really need help.
I became a MH shortly after Dday but it in my mind Because there was no sex or significant time I dismissed it.
I have had that little voice inside me telling me that I will only be able to move forward if I have an affair of my own. Then and only then will I have a handle on my desire to reconcile.
Well I’m in the thick of an online affair with a guy from 20 years ago. I can’t believe how quickly this escalated as it started with him saying happy thanksgiving at 9:15pm on Thanksgiving night and we’ve been texting nonstop.
I thought it was safe because it’s online and with COVID and he lives in NYC while I live in Chicago.
WRONG! We’ve been sexting. He’s clearly experienced with it and I feel naive and it’s tapped into my Dom/Sub fantasy. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the variations of that relationship but somehow I think it’s extremely addictive. He knows what to say to me. I feel irritable and sick when I’m not texting him or when he takes too long to text back.
It’s been nonstop on both ends. I didn’t choose an affair down person- he’s someone I would have dated back in the day.
It’s been 4 days of communication but 20 years since we encountered each other.
Can I be in limerance this fast?!?! How do I get out of it?
The worse thing is ...... I’m thinking if this what my husband had to go through???
How did you stop contact? We shouldn’t be this close in 4 days.
131 comments posted: Tuesday, December 1st, 2020
Not over this- is it possible?
Were you a witness to your FWS ending communication to the affair partner? I was not and it eats me alive that I don’t know what words were exchanged. I feel like he left her with her dignity in tact and that hurts me.
Not knowing is driving me crazy. My husband assured me she knew it was inevitably going to end as it was in the process of ending. He says she was not left feeling like she was special. He also asks me to look at the facts and ask myself how could she feel good about being dumped and all his lies and manipulation.
I just wish I knew what was said for sure.
20 comments posted: Tuesday, November 24th, 2020
The One Thing Wayward/Madhatter edition
Someone suggested that I start a topic as I did in the Reconciliation section-
The One Thing you miss the most of your relationship before infidelity.......
As a MH I suppose I can share from a wayward’s POV.
The one thing I regret is that my husband, who was already struggling with low self esteem issues which contributed to his cheating) looks at me and knows my eyes looked wantingly at someone else and that person walks around knowing that guys wife wants me.
Does that makes sense???
16 comments posted: Saturday, November 7th, 2020
The one thing.....
The one thing that your betrayal destroyed and that I miss the most is ___________________.
Fill in the blank.
For me it’s the peace of mind that comes from knowing that someone has your back completely.
63 comments posted: Wednesday, November 4th, 2020
Is anyone else afraid to admit this....
I am upset that God let this happen to me. I’m really upset with God.
I don’t know what to do with this disappointment. Any advise?
34 comments posted: Wednesday, October 28th, 2020
Rubbing it in his face
I want to put my husband’s nose in the BS he risked us for but a part of me feels it’s a dangerous game——-
He made AP into this thing in his head and each time I get a chance to I reveal to him how dumb he was.
1. He thought she was a real redhead. I saw about 20 pictures of her from various stages of life as a child and her hair was with dishwater blonde or 15 different versions of red. Box Dye! Idiot
He told me about how he would just say regular stuff or give regular advise and it was like she was amazed. I accidentally saw a John Gray Women are from Venus advise video where he tells women what to say.....and sure enough the exact words he told me she said to him are what John Gray advised.!!!
I want so badly to share it with him....to say you fell for it hook line and sinker—-nothing you said to her was real and nothing she said to you was real FAKE FAKE FAKE—— you weren’t brilliant or a KISA... she was playing you.
I know I’m wrong for it but my EGo wants to destroy any shred of fake memories he has.
Anyone else go through this stage?
28 comments posted: Thursday, October 22nd, 2020
The Shut Down
I’m shutting down inside. It’s just too much pain for me. I realize I’m never going to understand how he could carry on an affair and do the things he did and today.....right now..,..I don’t care that he’s trying to make it right.
I’m not sure if shutting down is good or bad——but his presence makes me sick. Sometimes i still feel love a d sometimes I look at him with disgust.
I need to shut down and crawl into my shell.
I’m not feeling equipped to deal with betrayal.
Have you felt like this?
11 comments posted: Wednesday, October 14th, 2020
Went out with Friends got triggered - Semi-WS/MH
I am a Semi- WS and MH. I refer to myself as “semi” because before this site I had never heard of a Madhatter and being labeled one seems harsh for what I did.
I went on 2 coffee dates with the intention of starting an affair with someone. In my head I planned on crossing sexual boundaries with the other person but I DID NOT cross the boundaries I intended to cross instead I pulled back and refrained. However I am labeled a MH because I did cross a marriage boundary ——-this was brought on by my husbands’s infidelity. Still I guess I am a MH.
So I am seeing how it starts in the brain. I walked into the restaurant and feel the eyes and glances. I locked eyes with someone that, before my husband’s infidelity, I would not hold the glance. In my head I told myself why should you break the glance? He didn’t- why shouldn’t you cross the line? —-he did.
I see the justification that occurs. I know my “whys” for constantly questioning why I should stay faithful....
How do you stop the triggers from setting up a seemingly perfect scenario to cross lines.
What keeps you on the straight and narrow when your brain do easily sets up an environment in mind that gives you justification?
I’m faced with the trigger from my husbands infidelity and betrayal that then is connected to a trigger to commit the same act as he did.....it’s horrible. It’s like I have to stop the first trigger to prevent the second one.
I need tips.
12 comments posted: Tuesday, October 13th, 2020
Failed RA uncovered more Insecurities
I realize now how effed up the mind of a WS as my inability to move past my husband’s affair is bringing out pathetic aspects of my character that I don’t respect..... apparently those aspects can be considered “ wayward behaviors”
So in my attempt to try mask my pain or cancel out my pain by attempting a RA I am realizing horrible things:
I have never pursued someone to be their “side person” and for the affair to begin both parties have to be okay with this sub position. I’ve never put in an effort to be #2. To me, there is a sick power in being willing to be someone’s side person because they know there is no bottom to how low you’re willing to go to get what you want.
I’m starting to feel like the AP has more power in this than I ever realized before! It’s making me feel more fears than before.
I am also realizing how hurtful it is to pursue someone with the sole intention for them to patch a hole. I am frustrated with myself for contacting an ex bf who I knew loved me that I never loved for him to fill the pain my WH’s affair left.
It would be cruel of me to continue down that path and I am aware of it. So how could my husband have not thought about the destruction to all 3 parties.
And the worst part- with all these realizations the pain inside grows and summons my stupid ego even more to escape. This madhatter situation is already bubbling things to the surface that I need to resolve within.
Is this post as confusing as my insides are?
25 comments posted: Monday, August 10th, 2020
Easy undetectable IPhone spy ware
Does anyone know of an app for iPhones that can be installed without detection. I do have Apple ID and password but prefer not to use it if I don’t have to.
0 comment posted: Wednesday, June 10th, 2020