Once a coward, always a coward?
I read the posts on "once a cheater, always a cheater", and that got me thinking about posting something else that is on my mind.
Generally, I've read in many articles, books and on SI, that the wayward behaves in a cowardly way in the sense that he/she will not tell their spouse about their affair for fear of spouse reactions, consequences and reprisals.
I look at my husband today in a different light after our separation due to his affair. There are great efforts for change on his part and not so great ones. Me too, I believe I made great changes and not so great changes. We are together about three years, post separation.
I know him to have been the coward during his affair. And what is on my mind is a nagging afterthought...should he choose to find another woman, will he have the courage to tell me before hand that he is unhappy and wants out?
I know that maybe this question is unanswerable but I would really welcome any thoughts on this.
2 comments posted: Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Throwing this out to you all, I am thinking of putting together like a list of all the things that do trigger memories of my husband’s adultery and showing it to my husband. It’s been 2+ years since our reconnection after a separation following him admitting to his 12 month affair.
We have talked about my triggers in the past, he is aware I have many and he does support me through actions and words to help me deal with them. His approach is not perfect, but his intent is and most of the time I feel better after we talk.
To give a recent example…he trashed his "infidelity brand X" car and bought a new car. We are picking it up this next monday. He even changed the make of the car, so I would feel safe. He has been a loyal brand X driver for 35 years.
So I’m not sure of my reasons nor of my feelings for wanting to do this. And I'm not sure if it will serve to better our relationship if I show him my list.
Maybe I don’t talk to him enough about my triggers, I just don’t know. Maybe I want him to be very aware of the kinds of triggers I am still experiencing. Maybe I feel he is taking my healing for granted? Is this even possible?
Heck, I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. But thank you for reading .
9 comments posted: Thursday, September 23rd, 2021
Mirror mirror on the wall..
I need to vent a little. My husband and I are two years plus into a good R following his infidelity.
Our oldest son is experiencing marital problems, and has gone camping with buddies of his as he does every year. Nothing new. My husband blurted out to me how our son should have stayed home, taken care of his family etc. instead of leaving on a one week camping trip for fun.
I so bit my tongue. I wanted to actually yell at him: so it was ok for YOU to have taken numerous prolonged four week business trips and taken your OW along to have fun for a full f*ing year ! When you should have just done your four days of work and should have returned home to take care of me and our marriage. And it’s not ok for our son to take time off to have fun for one week?
Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the hypocrite for us all?
Sigh, I find it it so hard to be kind in moments like these. How easy it is for some former waywards to criticize behaviours in others, yet they cannot seem to recall that once upon a time, not so long ago, they were the ones who…..
I feel better having written this out…thank you for listening.
13 comments posted: Tuesday, August 10th, 2021
Intrusive thoughts about the past.
In reading about how the mind occasionally likes to reside in the past, I found this helpful hint, and I tried it and it worked for me, so I'd like to share it with either the ex-betrayed or the ex-waywards, when we have those negative intrusive thoughts...
I'll give you my example: yesterday my husband drove in the neighbourhod of his ex affair partner, to pickup an online grocery order. It is the grocery store where once upon a time, they both shopped in. I knew about this, and my though went into the past, to haunt me with "is he going to meet her there?" I could not shake that thought off as it chained onto, what a cheater he is, why did I take him back and on and on...I was not having a great day.
I remembered the helpful hint of asking myself this question;"what evidence do you have today that....." I asked myself these questions: "What evidence do you have today, that your husband will meet her there?" Answer to myself, "well, no evidence whatsoever."
"What evidence do you have today that your husband is a cheater?" Another answer to myself: " There is no evidence."
I felt immediately better, no great but better.
And maybe, just maybe this will work for you.
4 comments posted: Tuesday, April 13th, 2021
Two years later, there is hope.
The SI posts on Reconciliation helped me navigate my own reconciliation. I am so, so grateful to all the people who posted.
And so I’d like to add my story to this wonderful site that SI is. Here goes:
Two years ago I threw my cheating husband out of my life and home and he moved right into his affair partner’s home. My husband told me during year one of R, that she welcomed him into her home telling him she “was very happy” that he’s moving in with her and he, himself was convinced that that is where he wanted to be. I believed him. I believe that he did in his own way love her and not only how the affair made him feel, he genuinely felt care and love for her.
During the time they lived together as a couple, I experienced recurring anger, hate, deception, envy etc.etc. We’ve all been there as BS’s. At the same time, during my calmer moments, I found out that I felt pride at my accomplishments in life, I found out that I am stronger than I believed, I found out I am resilient. I found out I could and I liked living by myself.
There’s a lyric in the Kelly Clarkson song “Dare You” that stopped me in my tracks. It is: “People let you drown cause they don’t know how to stay above water ... when they’re too broken to know what they’ve put you through ...”. I mean, that reminded me that we are all going through stuff, and that I can be more forgiving.
And so, fast forward to today. My husband and I are living together and reconnecting. The reasons for R would be for another post, I think. Enough to say he dumped his ex, she never saw it coming and it was not a smooth break up for either of them.
Today, I feel calmer, quieter and more secure than I did one year ago. We laugh together, we text one another little messages, we cook together, not always, he’s the good cook, we clean up together and we hug , we argue, we clumsily apologize for unkind behaviours (we are learning here) , and so much more...Which brings me to say that I feel good about my life right now.
I did a lot of self work. So much, much more than my husband. But you know, it matters not that I did the work, because I did it for me. Not for him. .One thing I do admire in my husband today, is that he listens to me, after 40 years together, he truly listens. Maybe I finally learnt how to talk to him LOL. Or he picked up on how to listen better!
I have reached acceptance of the past events that so nearly destroyed my very heart and soul. I still get twinges, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a far cry from those huge powerful emotional triggers. I accept the twinges. They may very well be with me forever. Another big change for me is I no longer feel this desire to talk about my twinges; I handle those twinges on my own And when I cannot I have options: talk it out with my husband or with my best friends.
I’d like to add that I never thought my husband would betray and lie to me, but he did. I never thought I would take him back, but I did. I never thought that his ex would reach out to him after two years of silence, but she did, and my husband maintained the no contact at her failed attempt. I never thought my stomach would knot in anger when I saw the unanswered FaceTime log from her, but it did. I am sure there will be more of her attempting contact in our future. I know that his feelings, emotions towards his ex AP and his behaviours with exAP will be with us for the rest of our lives and that I will never fully know the whole story.
In ending, as an ex BS, I don’t know what will happen in our future. We are both in our very late 60´s. I now have an iron resolve that should my husband resume contact with his ex affair partner or find another AP, or revert to his damaging behaviours from the past, we are done for good. No third chances.
I survived his infidelity. I survived our separation, and I bear another set of scars. All my life scars I bear proudly, for I lived through them all. When I put all my life into a perspective, these infidelity/separation scars were not the worst time of my life and I have so many more great times to remember. And my life perspective gives me hope.
Hope that the rest of my life is a blessed one with my husband and our family at my side.
I put myself first because no one else will do it for me.
5 comments posted: Tuesday, April 6th, 2021