M = 43 yrs
DDay = March 2020
Me/BS = 62
WH = 64
Working on reconciliation, one day at a time.
A New Way To Deal
Nightmares and almost everyday upon waking - it is the first thoughts in my head - his cheating. His betrayal and apologies. Then more tears. Hate this. I don't want to live my life like this. This morning at mass the priest talked of inviting Jesus into marriage. So simple. I realized that I need a prayer to start my day, and I want to create it. I'm not good with this, so I googled to find one. I copied and pasted it into a new memo in my cellphone memo app. Made edits. I can now pull it up as many times in the day as needed and change the wording if I need to, so it is right for me. I feel so much relief that I was able to do this. Today was better - for me.
3 comments posted: Sunday, October 3rd, 2021
I wasn't ever supposed to know - then, I did. I suspected and asked him - when I was looking right at him. This happened about a year ago.
His response showed me a truth that he could not deny and I was scared to see. Why did this happen to us? Cocaine he said. Since I learned of this, I've been struggling with it all over again. I feel traumatized as old memories just all came back at me. He changed into something else during those years and none of it was good. I couldn't figure it out then and this went on for several years, when he finally confessed to using cocaine after I realized he was going through large amounts of money daily. It all stops now or I'm leaving I told him - and he quit the cocaine. I forgot about it all. We didn't even talk about it for decades. We have been happy all these years later. Until this. I'm still stuck back to about a year ago when he confessed to the cheating. It all makes sense now. It all comes together now. The initial shock and pain has subsided after months of numerous conversations. We haven't discussed it for a couple of months now as we have mutually agreed, but I continue to think about it every day. I want to forgive and move forward. No constant rehashing, no arguments, no misery. This is what I want. He told me that he is embarrassed and humiliated by his behavior all those years ago. He continues to worry that I will now cheat on him or leave him. It feels like I'm still processing. Nobody else knows about any of this, as we have kept it all between us. I hate all of it. I love him. Dealing with this during the COVID months has kept us together, which has helped. I know we are not done talking about it, but right now I don't want to. I envision a time years from now, when it stops hurting so much.
21 comments posted: Friday, May 28th, 2021