Newest Member: TotallyShatteredandlost


Dealing with shame?

It's been seven weeks since I stepped out on my wife, and had a ONS with another grad student. Three and a half weeks since I told her. A few days later, she confessed to a two year affair. Our daughter is one. I sent my wife to a mutual friend's place, where she has been since.

I feel ashamed of my affair, I feel ashamed that my wife had a two year affair, I feel ashamed that I doubted my daughters parentage enough to get a paternity test. I'm ashamed that I don't know what I want, while my wife says she wants to stay together. I'm ashamed that while she respects the boundaries I've been setting, I can't respect them. I'm ashamed that I broke my hand and didn't tell her. I feel ashamed that I yelled at her and called her horrible names when she found out and asked me if I was okay. In front of our daughter, and my parents no less.

I'm ashamed that when I invited her to come back to the apartment to see if I could even look at her without anger, that I initiated sex. I'm ashamed that I let her sleep in my arms, on our couch that night. I ashamed that it took her finding out I broke my hand, two weeks after the fact, for to even talk directly to her. I'm ashamed that the first time I saw her three weeks devolved into sex so rapidly. I feel shame that after asking her to not contact me over the weekend, including father's day, to let me process, that I called her and asked her to dinner at my parent's house. I'm ashamed that I hurt my wife, and also ashamed that I feel shame and guilt for that. I'm ashamed that we may have to do in-house separation, because I don't want the mother of my child going back the college diet so that we can swing two apartments.

When you fail the goals you set, repeatedly, do you ever like anything other than a failure? After my ONS, I'm not going to come out of this smelling like anything other than shit. Can I just escape a chunk of time without feeling like shit and being ashamed?

23 comments posted: Tuesday, June 23rd, 2020

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